They've just won 1st, but Sehun feels like he's lost. Sehun watches the way Jongin stares at Kyungsoo with such bright eyes, as if nothing in the world was brighter than the man sitting across from him. He feels a clench in his heart, like a hand squeezing at the muscle inside his chest. He lets out a small gasp when Kyungsoo moves closer, that beautiful smile on his face. It hurts. He wants so much to leave the stage, to curl up in a dark corner of his room where no one can ask him "what's wrong?" because everything is wrong. 

He can hear the soft snores Joonmyeon emits from the bed beside him. There are noises from the room next to him, heard through the thin walls that separates him from Kyungsoo.

A tap. "Hun? Are you awake?" 

Sehun blinks and moves closer towards the wall. He raps his knuckle on the wall and whispers back. "Yes." (He can almost see the soft smile that spreads across Kyungsoo's features.)

"Why are you still up?" 

"Why are you?" Sehun bites his lip, resting his forehead against the cold wall. 

"I just can't sleep. That post-win high you know?" 

Sehun imagines Kyungsoo with his eyes closed, arms behind his head with a blissed out smile on his lips. His heart does that weird flip. "Go to sleep hyung. We have another show tomorrow." 

"Hun, I have a question for you." 

Sehun wants so much to ask, "What is it?" but he can hear Jongin waking up. 

"Who are you talking to, Kyungsoo?" Jongin's sleepy voice asks. 

Sehun releases a sigh. "Tell me later." His heart clenches, his fingers are numb, his eyes sting, his throat closes up. He's suffocating, he's drowning, he's burning all at once. 

Oh Sehun is in love with the boy that has the voice of an angel, the smile that shines brighter than a thousand stars, and a significant other that just so happens to be Sehun's best friend.

Everyone is screaming his name but all he can see is the proud grin that is directed at him from that one person. 

"You did great, Sehunah." 

His cheeks burn as Kyungsoo's smaller hand claps him on the shoulder. Sehun nearly jerks away because ohmygodKyungsooistouchinghim but he holds still. The world seems to stop as Kyungsoo squeezes him reassuringly and uses his other hand to wipe off a bead of sweat rolling down Sehun's temple. "We're getting pizza later, Jongin and I, do you want to join us?" 

Sehun wants to pretend that Kyungsoo is asking him because he wants to, that it's just going to be the two of them. He wants to pretend that it's not out of politeness, or because Jongin told him to ask. 

"I'm okay," he replies. "I think I want to take a shower and sleep early tonight." 

Kyungsoo's lips purse together into a thin line but he nods. "I see. Well then, we should get ready for the next stage." Kyungsoo gives his shoulder another squeeze and then he's gone. 

Sehun feels himself wanting to pull his hyung back and spilling out everything. 

Sehun is the only one in the dorm. Kyungsoo and Jongin were out getting pizza, and the others were doing their own thing. Sehun didn't want to care too much. He's about to turn on the TV to watch a rerun of Music Bank when he hears the passcode to the dorm being punched in. The last person he expects to see walks in.

"I thought you were going with Jongin to get pizza?" 

"Jongin invited Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Jongdae too and they were giving me a headache." 

Sehun nods, understanding but not really understanding. He focuses more on the way Kyungsoo's lips move and the beautiful voice that seems to echo in the empty dorm rather than the words themselves. 

"Hun?" 

He blinks. "Huh?" 

Kyungsoo smiles that blinding smile again. "You seem so out of it. Tired?" 

Sehun flushes. "Yea, kind of," he mumbles. 

"Do you want anything to eat?" 

"I'm ok." Sehun curls up on the couch, hugging his legs to his chest as he watches Irene and Park Bogum introduce the next group. He's not paying any attention though, not when Kyungsoo is flitting in and out of his line of sight. "Hyung?" he says. Sehun almost regrets it because no, he won't care. No, he doesn't want to hear about your feelings. "Never mind." 

"Is something bothering you, Sehunah? You've been out of it since we started the tour." Kyungsoo shuffles out of the kitchen and plops down beside Sehun on the couch. 

Sehun feels his heart beat that much faster. "It's nothing." His hands twitch and he drops his legs so he can wipe his sweaty palms on his thighs. "I'm just out of it." 

"Nerves?" 

"Something like that." Sehun tries to focus on the screen, on the smiles plastered on faces as they sing and dance. That was him at one point, before he fell in love. "It's not something you can help me with." 

"Do you want to tell me about it so I can see if I can help you with it?" Kyungsoo probes, and yes, I want to but no, I can't is all Sehun can think. His mind is screaming, the angel and devil sitting on either shoulder is yelling different things at him. 

"I can't. It's just not a thing you can do anything about. I'm sleeping, hyung." 

Pain. 

Sehun promises himself that he'll let go, that he'll find someone else to love because Jongin is your best friend and this isn't right. Sehun wants to believe, he tricks himself into believing, that Kyungsoo is better off with Jongin, a talented, handsome man that can actually provide everything and anything that Kyungsoo's wonderful self desires. 

But it hurts. It's like a knife has been stabbed into his chest and all he wants, needs, craves is a touch from the hyung that he so dearly loves and a whisper in his ear telling him, "It'll be okay." 

It's anything but. 

Joonmyeon notices how Sehun is curled up close to the wall, nose practically touching the surface, with his pillow thrown over his head when he walks in that night. He calls out Sehun's name once, to see if the younger would stir, but Sehun is as still as the wall he was basically hugging. Joonmyeon shrugs it off, as Sehun being tired from their concert and sleeping. 

He doesn't know that Sehun's pillow is soaked through with tears. 

I hope that this was good. I've been really low on motivation lately, and I guess it's shown in my writing? Like, I don't think this is good, but I wanted to crank something out so I can get back into writing mode.