Sang Hyuk and Hong Bin got married few years before, yet their relationship was ice cold. Hong Bin seemed refuse the younger as partner, and even in public they limited their interactions into fake smiles or fake laughs. Hong Bin got used to it but Sang Hyuk had something else in heart.

He truly hoped Hong Bin loved him, even a little. He fell for the man with time, as he noticed how good the man was with everybody, how genuine his smile was, how beautiful he can be even when he is mad or dirty, how care for his friends, and how hard he works for his family. It was hard to not love Hong Bin.

However, it seemed hard for Hong Bin to feel same. Sang Hyuk noticed so and his heart sank. Didn’t he have something to be loved about? It made him kill things inside him, little by little. He isolated himself from the world, barely speaking to anyone. He felt lifeless after three years of loving the man who seemed not noticing.

They had separate lives but it was obvious Sang Hyuk sank in depression. Hong Bin had noticed but never reacted to it. One day, Sang Hyuk reached his limits and instead from driving from work to home, he drove aimlessly until he found himself in front of the sea, five hours after that. He stood there, looking ahead without thoughts. “I wish I can leave you behind, Hong Bin.” He mumbled to himself before crying badly. He cried for god knows how long until he noticed that his phone was ringing. He picked it to notice he missed over seventy four call from Hong Bin, two hundred messages, and several voice mail message. He turned the voice mail first.

“Where are you, Hyuk? You never come home late?” Hong Bin’s voice was filled with concern. “Did something happen to you?”

“Yes, I fell in love with a person who can’t love me… who can love me, for god sake?” Sang Hyuk shed tears as he turned the second message.

“I called your family, they didn’t see you! How come? They didn’t even know if you left the work on not. I’ll go fetch you if you are there, ok? Just answer the phone.” Hong Bin seemed pissed.

“I just left the office, Hyuk. Please tell me where you are.” Hong Bin was frustrated. “I am so worried, please call me back once you get this message or answer the phone.”

“Your friends didn’t hear from you for two years… Hyuk, how can you isolate yourself from the world like that? What happened?” Sang Hyuk sobbed harder at it, hugging his knees. “I’ll find you, ok? Just answer the phone.”

“Two hours passed and you still don’t answer the phone.” Hong Bin seemed more frustrated and angry than concerned. “Nobody can tell me where you are! Neither the police nor your relatives! Please, answer the phone.” He was shocked to know that Hong Bin went to the police.

“Three hours passed, and god knows how many messages I sent you meanwhile but you answered none. Are you crazy? Did you lose your mind to make me lose my like this?” Hong Bin was beyond angry. “I will stop calling you if it bothers you.” Sang Hyuk was crying still and it just fueled his tears.

“I am sorry, just come back home. You never left home like this, and I feel bad about it. Please come back Sang Hyuk, before something bad happen to you.” Hong Bin pleaded, and seemed a little tipsy from his voice. “Come back, ok?”

“Why don’t you come back? What did I do to deserve this? Nobody knows where you are, nobody talked to you in ages, nobody got a single damn information that may help me. Nobody!” Hong Bin yelled. “What kind of life do you have, Han Sang Hyuk! How can it be that you isolated yourself like this? Get your back home before I truly empty my anger on you.”

Sang Hyuk was crying as he drove back, he barely could see the road and he didn’t know if he did manage it home until his car stopped suddenly, it didn’t move and his head was throbbing enough to wince at the sound of breaks. A sudden collision made him go fly up and down, as he didn’t put his seat belt. He could feel things, painful things but had no idea where he was or what happened; his mind was in haze.

When he woke up, he noticed his mother and Hong Bin sitting next to him, talking softly, when they noticed him moving. “Sang Hyuk!”

“Am I not dead? Why am I not dead?” Sang Hyuk’s broken weak voice was painful to hear on its own but his words made Hong Bin and his mother give him a horrified expression.

“Sang Hyuk…” Hong Bin tried to touch the man who winced and closed his eyes. “Do you feel pain? Is it painful somewhere?”

“Yes.” Sang Hyuk simply said, while they looked at each other, trying to figure out what happened.

“I’ll call the doctor. Stay with your husband.” Hong Bin nodded to the old woman and he sat down by Sang Hyuk’s side.

“I lost my when they called me, telling me you got a car accident.” Hong Bin’s concerned voice was killing Sang Hyuk, and he truly wanted to speak up but he feared crying in front of the man. “I knew you won’t miss dinner time like that. I knew something bad happened.”

Sang Hyuk scoffed. “You know nothing.” Hong Bin was shocked by it. “You don’t know what I feel right now…”

“I do not.” Hong Bin exclaimed. “Because you don’t tell me.”

“What is it to be told? That I love you? That despite all the love I feel for you, I can’t dream of having you loving me back?” Sang Hyuk hissed, before wincing in pain. The doctor got in and gave Sang Hyuk a pain killer.

“You got several hits in the head, fractures in the ribs and your right knee so you will feel pain often.” The doctor explained as he made sure Sang Hyuk was responsive.  “It is a miracle you didn’t fall into coma with your state.”

“A miracle.” Sang Hyuk’s voice was emotionless and it made the doctor look at Hong Bin and the patient’s mother who seemed lost. He nodded to the woman before asking them to leave the room and let Sang Hyuk rest.

“He showed depression signs according to my file, undernourished, and over stressed, plus what you told me and what I witnessed.” The doctor looked at them seriously. “I don’t think it was an accident per say… maybe he may had unconsciously put himself in danger.”  It shocked Hong Bin who looked at the man in bed.

Sang Hyuk woke up the next day, with a throbbing headache, and a dry throat. He didn’t say a word but still felt someone giving him a cup of water. “Drink slowly.” He opened his eyes slowly to notice Hong Bin next to him. He did drink but ignored Hong Bin who didn’t seem to make a sound for a while. “Do you remember why we got married, Sang Hyuk? We got married because our mothers wanted us both to. Because for them, their gays sons should be still with people from better families. There was no love involved in it.” Hong Bin’s serious tone made Sang Hyuk shed tears. “Yet, I was foolish to think you felt the same toward this marriage and I never considered it possible that you will involve emotions to it.”

Sang Hyuk opened his eyes and looked at him. “I didn’t want to…”

“That doesn’t matter now.” Hong Bin smiled still. “I will try to keep you out of your slumber and sadness, the best I can. After all, I made you like this.” Sang Hyuk didn’t say a word, and closed his eyes. “Once you get better, you will be nursed by your mother. I think seeing your old room will make you better.”

“You are kicking me out of your life, in other words.” Sang Hyuk deadpanned and Hong Bin sighed.

“No, I’m making sure that you truly feel what you feel for me. If you get better and still want me, I’ll be waiting for you.” Sang Hyuk laughed bitterly, making Hong Bin frown.

“I will want you anyway, Hong Bin Hyung. You know but you are freaking out because you can’t feel what I feel for you. I got it.” Sang Hyuk tried to move. “You can go back to your life, I don’t truly need you right now.” Hong Bin wanted to speak up. “Leave this room, Hyung, while I respect you.” Hong Bin rushed out to meet his and Sang Hyuk’s mother.

“What happened?” Hong Bin shook his head at his mother’s question, forcing a smile.

“I’m just tired. Can I go home?” They nodded to him, patting his back while he walked away, while Sang Hyuk was sobbing a little loudly in the room. The sedative managed to make him sleep but not stop crying as he shed tears in his sleep.

He woke up the next morning, only to notice Hong Bin there, and he closed his eyes right after. He acted like asleep, hoping the man would leave when suddenly he felt someone squeezing his hand.

“Is he still asleep?” his mother’s voice was filled with concern but he didn’t want to trust it.

“Do you think he will forgive me?” The question was shocking for the Hans. “I feel like I did hurt him emotionally, and there is this wall between us now… something I’ve never seen before.”

“What do you mean sweetheart? What did you talk about? He cried the whole night in his sleep.”

“and I cried myself to sleep.” Hong Bin sighed deeply. “This is ridiculous. What was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to get married.”

“But you are and you had duties.” The woman’s patient tone pissed Sang Hyuk a lot. “I didn’t marry for love, Hong Bin, but with time, I fell in love with the man I call husband.” She squeezed his shoulder. “Sometimes, the love you build on a solid bond like marriage ends up being the strongest and the most painful.”

“How?” Hong Bin asked her, shocked to hear her stating so. “He… said he loved me… but I was never close to him. We had a very limited relationship.”

“Maybe he managed to learn a lot about you and find things to love in you.” She guessed. “Maybe you should do the same and that if you want to.”

“I do want to.” Hong Bin admitted and his voice was shivering. “I want to love him back, I swear.” A sniff made Sang Hyuk tense. “I feel so alone without him at home.”

“Easy, easy, Hong Bin.” The woman patted on him, with an amused tone. “If you feel something once he is away, it means he mean something to you.”

“He does. Oh god, he does.” Hong Bin sobbed. “But he gave up on me, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Idiot. I know my Sang Hyuk, once he loves something, he keeps it.” She said with a scolding tone. “You are just reading his heart wrong. He doesn’t want you out of his life, he hope you can let him in even further.”

“You think.” Hong Bin had tried to let go but Sang Hyuk had kept his hand firmly holding the man’s. “He is tensing over my hand.”

“Maybe your cries tensed him.” Her mother said patting her son’s arm. “Sang Hyun ah! Wake up. I brought your favorite food.” Sang Hyuk opened his eyes in a blink and the mother tensed but hopefully Hong Bin was looking at Sang Hyuk’s hand. “Wake up now. Huh? I brought you food.”

“I don’t feel like eating now.” Sang Hyuk mumbled but his mother heard nothing from it.

“Come on! The doctor complained from how undernourished you were. After all, you are too tall you should eat more than us to get enough energy.” She said with a smile bringing the lunch box. Hong Bin picked the chopsticks and offered the food to Sang Hyuk without a word and the man ate silently without looking at him. He kept only swallowing without much chewing, hoping they will go. However, the woman left and Hong Bin stayed still.

“Aren’t you going to leave too?” Sang Hyuk asked him, trying to look away.

“You are holding my hand.” The remark was shy and he looked to his hand before trying to free himself but Hong Bin kept holding it. “No. Keep it.” Hong Bin said with a shy smile. “Your hold was firm… I enjoyed it.”

“Stop…”

“I am sorry.” Hong Bin spoke suddenly. “I am sorry for neglecting my duties in this marriage… but I decided to try again. I want to try again.” He pulled the hand to his lips. “Can we live as husband and husband once we get home.”

“home?”

Hong Bin smiled. “Your mom said your old room had a big bed, so I can be there with you… can we start over?” Sang Hyuk blinked in confusion. “I don’t promise that I’ll be a good husband, but I’ll try my best.”

“Hyung, you don’t have to.” Sang Hyuk tried to free his hand as Hong Bin’s lips rested on them but he was unable to.

“I want to.” Hong Bin smiled as he leaned close, nose to nose with Sang Hyuk, and looked at the man’s eyes. “Give me a final chance.”

“A final chance.” Sang Hyuk repeated stunned and nodded which made Hong Bin smile. The man kissed the hand he was holding.

“I’ll go finish some tasks before they start complaining.” Hong Bin said brightly. “I’ll bring you dinner. What do you want? You can order whatever you like, the doctor had gave us the go.”

“I don’t feel like eating.” Sang Hyuk stated and Hong Bin pouted to him, using his charms.

“Please?”

“A small pizza would be nice.” Sang Hyuk gave up, and he observed as Hong Bin left the room. “Stop making me love you further every day, Hyung.” He slept most of the day and woke up as someone shook him. Hong Bin was back and from the darkness in the window, it was nighttime.

“I brought pizza. I didn’t know which one you like I took a mixture.” Hong Bin opened the box of pizza and helped Sang Hyuk to sit properly, without moving his chest much. They ate in silence, Hong Bin observed Sang Hyuk chew slowly.

“What?”

Hong Bin blinked and smiled. “Nothing, I just realized you are really good looking.” Hong Bin blushed suddenly. “I mean, I do know you are good looking but it didn’t strike hard like right now.”

Sang Hyuk didn’t feel like reacting right then as tears showed up. “Thanks.”

“You think I’m good looking as much as you are?” Hong Bin asked him suddenly.

“You are gorgeous.” Sang Hyuk didn’t hold his eyes from shedding tears. “Amazingly gorgeous.” Hong Bin blushed further and thanked him with a shy tone. They repeated such thing often, in the following month; Hong Bin will say something he noticed in Sang Hyuk while the man would say something back. They blush, but none of this went further.

Back home, sleeping in the same bed was something new. Hong Bin and Sang Hyuk were still distant but they still talked. However, sleeping in that bed meant to hug each other to fit, it meant to squeeze in the bed because their legs took most of the space. The night fell in and Sang Hyuk made sure to give the bigger space to Hong Bin when the man made in the bed.

“I am sorry… I take most of the place.” He excused himself, looking guilty while Hong Bin gave him an outraged expression.

“You are so tiny you can fit three with you, darling.”  Hong Bin scolded. “If someone takes more place here, it is me.” He hugged Sang Hyuk, offended that the man kept on looking low but soon tensed as he noticed they had to mingle their legs, almost grinding their groins together. He still made sure he was scotched to the man.

“Hong Bin…” Sang Hyuk moaned at the sudden tightness between his legs. “Stop moving.”

“Why?” Hong Bin’s hand went down to slap Sang Hyuk’s bottom while Sang Hyuk’s hand slid down to pull Hong Bin’s hip up, as he fixed their positions. From the pure contact they were in, they slept in a very comfortable position. “We definitely need a bigger bed.” Sang Hyuk chuckled a little at it. “Sang Hyuk…”

“Yes?”

“Do you love me?” Sang Hyuk hummed as he slowly drifted to sleep. “why?”

“I don’t understand.”

“When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see what you love in me.” Hong Bin admitted and Sang Hyuk pushed his face away to look at Hong Bin. “What is there to love about me? I see nothing, really.”

“Do you find something to love about me?” Sang Hyuk asked him back.

“I see many things, honestly, like your way to smile, and your manners, or many different parts of you. Even your nagging sometimes is adorable.” Hong Bin admitted while Sang Hyuk smiled, shedding tears.

“I thought I had nothing to be loved for, since you didn’t fall for me in the past three years… but I’ve learned everything about you, and loved every side of you.” Sang Hyuk’s smile flattered. “I kept wondering: If I had something to be loved for, would he still love me? And I concluded that definitely, I just don’t worth it.”

“You do.” Hong Bin dried the man’s tears before leaning to kiss his face. “Oh you do.” Kiss after Kiss, Hong Bin’s hands wondered around, fueling Sang Hyuk’s desire.

“Stop teasing me.” Hong Bin felt the man massaging his groin as he mumbled so. “Hyung.”

“Wanna drive back home? I don’t think this bed can handle us.” The words made Sang Hyuk paused before hugging the man up and making them stand on their feet. “I’ll drive.” Hong Bin pulled him out, not even wearing proper clothes or shoes, and made sure they had their seat belts on before driving ahead.

That night, for once, Sang Hyuk was glad their conjugal house wasn’t a far drive.