What should I say

From where to how

I drop my head

And you look at me

That awkward silence

It has always been a daily routine for Soonyoung to wait for Seokmin at the bench underneath the tree nearest to their classroom before their first period starts. However, today, they start the new school year face to face in silence; none of that boisterous laughter and excessive chatting. Just silence, until Soonyoung was the first one to look away, turning to an acquaintance nearest to him who happens to pass by and starts chatting with him, leaving Seokmin standing still on the same place. But this doesn’t faze Soonyoung the least bit.

I don’t love you

You probably already know

Even if you cry

My heart doesn’t hurt

‘Of course, what other explanation could there be?’ Soonyoung asked to himself one time as he thinks about it one day. For it has been a complete mystery how a person he was once so close with is now sitting meters from him in the library, Seokmin’s eyes evidently puffy despite his attempts to hide his face with a book. But Soonyoung isn’t the least bit guilty, the least bit hurt, and he thinks that he has to be hurt. Sure, he was a troublemaker, often poking fun at himself or someone close to produce laughter from people, but he knows he isn’t that much of a jerk to break someone’s heart.

I have to get hurt by all this. Why am I not bothered? Soonyoung asks himself tonight, again, for how many times he has done this, he gave up on counting. But it’s been two months and he’s still not sorry for breaking Seokmin’s heart. And his heart feels heavy, not because of having to reject a friend’s feelings, but because he feels like a bad person.

I don’t love you

There’s no other reason

I don’t want to say the words

Sorry or forgive me

Today, they face each other again, in the middle of a busy crowd, their eye contact lasting for more at least ten seconds. Soonyoung knows that Seokmin’s waiting for him to say something, anything, even a simple ‘hi’. But deep down, he also knows that Seokmin is waiting for something more. No, not small talk in the lines of “How have you been?”, but something frank like “About last time, I’m sorry.” However, nothing comes out of Soonyoung’s lips. He has no explanation, nothing to talk to about Seokmin except four words that would rather stay at the bottom of his stomach, like a thick pill that could take years to digest.

He won’t apologize for not reciprocating the feelings, that won’t be his fault. However, if he gets to tell Seokmin of those words he tries to keep, then he knows that it would be on his end to apologize.

But apologies aren’t included in Soonyoung’s long list of talents.

That’s just all

This is how I feel

I don’t love you

And today their paths are about to diverge as they started to recite their oaths. Soonyoung recalls seeing Seokmin get on the stage a couple of names after he does to get his diploma. The latter flashes a bright smile at everyone, the usual bright smile of his before slowly, subtly faltering when he glances at his best friend, his former best friend. Soonyoung doesn’t notice all of this, even with Seokmin walking close to him as he passes the aisle, for he was too busy posing for a picture with his friend’s camera.

That could have been him and Seokmin, even if it was just mere friendship that he wanted. And it has almost been a year since he promised friendship for Seokmin, but that in itself would be impossible. It wasn’t fair for his friend to look at him like that. And so he chooses to distance himself, away from all the things that could make the situation worse. Someday, he believes that Seokmin will understand. He might not understand now, but someday, even if it means they have to part ways later on in life, he will.

All he wants is for Seokmin to stop hurting and asking himself why they have this distance now. Because all of this has just one simple answer from Soonyoung.

I don’t love you

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A/N: I hope you like this guys! And sorry for the delayed update! Thank you for subscribing, if you have any requests, suggestions, violent reactions, etc etc, they're all welcome in the comments section~ And oh, please don't forget to take a listen to Urban Zakapa's new song, I Don't Love You! They're a great group with really good voices~