He hadn’t always been like this, he was a shell of the man he once was. It wasn’t so long ago, not even a year ago, that he was bright and cheerful. He used to smile so much, mess around and laugh almost annoyingly loud, but all of these things seemed like a distant past despite not being so far behind him at all. That version of him, the old him, it all felt alien to him now and all Sooyoung knew anymore was the empty and yet heavy void in his chest. There was nothing, no feeling, and yet it was the heaviest nothing he had ever felt. It made it hard to breathe, hard to sleep, hard to function, it made it hard to live. It had come on slowly during his first year of university, as the stress of it grew and the pressure of the real world dawned upon him. His previously cheerful thoughts, cushioned by the safety of high school, slowly began to dissipate one by one until he was left wondering why he was even bothering at all. Gradually, life began to make less and less sense, it had started with the odd thought he would shake off in confusion, then it became a growing issue he hid with his normal bright smile, but eventually it had consumed him completely and even something as small as smiling became hard to do...something that used to come so naturally to him suddenly felt so foreign.
 

Foreign, that was how he felt now, he felt foreign to himself and like he didn’t belong in even his own skin. He felt out of place, wrong, he felt so large and unavoidable and yet so unbelievably small. Every action he made became noticeable, annoying, stupid...at least to him, and yet he was convinced that no one noticed him at all. His thoughts were a mess, his whole mind contradicting itself, and it was becoming harder and harder to take. He was at war with himself, his mind, his heart, all of it, he was at war with who he was and what he had become and it was a war there was no way he could win. He would win and yet he would lose, he was fighting a war there was no good outcome of or at least that was what he had convinced himself. He wanted to shake all of this, he wanted to be better, he wanted to laugh and smile just like he had done in his first year of university, and yet all of these new and horrible feelings blanketed him in a gray and dark warmth he found himself scared of escaping. It was another contradiction, another oxymoron, there wasn’t a single thing in his mind that made sense anymore.
 

He felt safe and yet afraid, he wanted to escape and scream out for help and yet the gray blanket he had found himself under just became tighter and tighter over time. He had pulled himself out of his friendship circles bit by bit, gradually and slowly as his thoughts convinced him more and more that they didn’t care...they wouldn’t ever care, that he was just a joke to them and someone to laugh at. He pulled himself away from them while being completely ignorant to the worried glances they all shared with one another, he closed himself away and ignored each time his phone would buzz or illuminate with a phone call or text, he wouldn’t answer the door of his dorm room when someone would tap their knuckles upon it and call through to try and invite him out to drink and party like he used to do. None of them cared, not really, how could any of them care? He was obnoxious, he was loud, he was annoying, he was all of those things and more so how could anyone truly care? He had convinced himself of that, closed himself off from those who cared so much, and yet it hurt to feel so alone.

It all built up, gradually it all became worse and worse, until battle scars started to litter his skin and the red puffiness around his eyes that only tears could bring became a permanent fixture on his pale face. He had turned against himself, more and more so with each passing day, the cold war with his mind had suddenly become hot, violent, painful, and yet he slowly had started to crave that pain. The pain joined him under the gray blanket that had consumed him, it became one of the only feelings that lightened the weight in his chest. Pain...it hurt, it hurt so much, and yet it made it so much easier to breathe. The rush of air through his lungs kept him sane, or at least that was what he thought even if how he gained it was probably so very far from sane, the sharp pain and warmth of his blood distracted him from the numb ache that had grown and grown in a way nothing else had managed.
 

It had helped, the marks growing on his skin ignored and disregarded under hoodie sleeves, but as with any sense of release it wouldn’t last forever and this didn’t either. Soon it wasn’t enough, no amount of self inflicted wounds could ease the ache, everything stopped working and it became too much...it was too much, he couldn’t take it anymore. Sooyoung couldn’t take it, not for one moment longer, and it was with that he made his way out into the night with intentions the old version of him couldn’t even begin to imagine. He wanted relief, he wanted it all to end, he wanted his mind to leave him alone and the heavy grip on his heart to let go, he didn’t want to struggle to breathe anymore...it was so hard to breathe.
 

That was how he found himself standing on a bridge in the middle of the night, in the dark and looking down over the gentle waters of the Han River as his fingers curled against the worn metal of the railings that held him back from plummeting down into the waters that became more and more beautifully tempting the more time passed. He could do it so easily, swing a leg over the railings and just let himself fall, but even now something was holding him back. There was always something, his mind wanted one thing and yet another at the same time, the constant turmoil and uncertainty was part of what lead him to the bridge at all and yet was what was holding him back from doing what his heavy heart cried out to do.
 

The water would probably be cold, painfully cold, that was one of the many things that came to mind. There would be pain to free his chest of the weight that held it down and to let air rush into his lungs except that it wouldn’t be air...it would be water. Cold water, freezing cold water, it would sting his skin, be let inside, sting his lungs, it would sting, sting, hurt, hurt, it would turn the gray blanket that held onto him into an eternal black as the water took his last breath from him. Darkness would win, the black would overtake the gray, but maybe that would be the gray winning over all...gray was just a lighter version of black afterall, black that hadn’t quite sunk in, black that was waiting to creep in and take over entirely, was that what he wanted?
 

Yes.
 

Yes.
 

Yes.
 

No…
 

He didn’t know.
 

He had been so certain, he had grabbed any clothes he could find on the floor of his messy university dorm before running. He had ran from his dorm room, barrelled past his old friend Seokmin who had called after him only to be ignored, he had run off of the campus, through the streets, past drunken students and businessmen alike, he had ran and ran and ran and didn’t let up until he had found himself looking at the waters below which called to him so temptingly and yet, no, he didn’t know...not anymore.
 

He didn’t know anything, he never knew anything, nothing made sense no matter how hard he tried to cling onto any sort of answer. He thought that this was the answer, a part of him still thought that this was the answer, and yet maybe it wasn’t...what was the answer? He wanted to know, please, what was the answer?