No, he hadn’t given Seunghyun more than a passing thought, he only really thought of him when he got the text notifications that someone had used their joint account. Originally, the notifications had come from somewhere in Incheon. When Seunghyun had first left, and Jiyong thought it would be like the last time; that he’d be back in a couple of days. Then the messages came from Suwon, and Jiyong had thought he’d just needed a little more time than usual to blow of steam. When he’d gotten the first notification for Daejeon he’d been angry. Because what the was Seunghyun doing in Daejeon? He should be at home with Jiyong, in their apartment by the river, eating crappy take out and being stupid in love with each other.

There were a few more notifications between Daejeon and Busan, but Busan had been the latest and the longest. It seemed that in the last month or so, Seunghyun had settled down there. He was still staying in a crappy hotel, but his purchases were all in one area and a paycheck had started to come into their account from a grocery store in the area.

So Seunghyun was hiding out in Busan, bagging old ladies groceries and living in a ratty hotel room, instead of at home with his boyfriend of eight years. Yeah, it made a lot of sense to Jiyong, too.

The fight had been one they’d had one thousand times before. Seunghyun wanted Jiyong to give up, to get a real job. He had a real job. It just wasn’t a steady one.

Jiyong and Seunghyun met in college. Jiyong a baby-faced freshman and Seunghyun an already jaded sophomore. Jiyong was vibrant and alive, he dreamed of making music for everyone to hear. Seunghyun was an English major and most of his worldview was through the pages of various books. It was dumb luck that they’d been paired up on the same project in a creative writing class.

Jiyong took Seunghyun by the hand and lead him to places he’d never go on his own, and Seunghyun grounded Jiyong in ways no one else could.

Yin and Yang.

They complemented each other like almonds and chocolate.

Until they didn’t.

You would think a year’s difference in age would be an inconsequential thing, but to Jiyong, that one single year might as well be a decade. A century.

It seemed Seunghyun was always one step ahead of Jiyong. While he was the excitable freshman, Seunghyun was the above-it-all sophomore. When Jiyong hit his above-it-all phase, Seunghyun was a nose-to-the-grindstone Junior. In his Junior year when Jiyong buckled down, Seunghyun was preparing to depart college. When Jiyong was a Senior looking forward to taking his first real steps out into the world, Seunghyun had already been worn down by a year in the workforce, struggling to find a place where he fit.

It seemed to Jiyong that Seunghyun was always giving up on everything. He gave up on his hope and his dreams, settling for less than he deserved, less than he was worth. So Jiyong felt like he had to dream twice as hard, hope twice as hard, try twice as hard to succeed. If maybe he could do it, then Seunghyun would want to try again.

Seunghyun, however, saw all of Jiyong’s enthusiasm and optimism as naivety. As an inability to grow up and realize that not all dreams were worth what it took to make them come true.

Was living in their ancient, tiny one bedroom apartment that didn’t heat well in the winter and tried to roast them alive in the summer something they wanted for the rest of their lives? Was it worth it so Jiyong could stay up until five o’clock in the morning working on songs that he stuffed into manila envelopes and mailed to entertainment companies? In the past four years the twenty-six year old ad managed two sales. A one hit wonder for a boy group that still had an okay-sized royalties check rolling in, and an underappreciated girl group gem that sporadically earned some income.

Seunghyun gave up on his dreams of getting his doctorate, of teaching Literature at a college level, only one year into his master’s program. He’d accepted a job he was overqualified for, teaching spoiled high school students how to write essays for college applications. The pay was small but the work was consistent, and that’s what mattered to Seunghyun.

Seunghyun always got discouraged, but Jiyong seemed incapable of doing so. Everything was sunshine and rainbows to him and Seunghyun’s horizon was covered in dark clouds.

The argument had been about Jiyong getting a real job. He had a real job. He had two real jobs. It was just that one of them didn’t pay. Not yet, anyway. For the last six months he’d been working with Hyeyum Entertainment as part of the staff that worked with the boy group the planned on debuting in the next year. He was the head producer for their debut album, and while he might not be getting paid right now, if the album did well he’d do well, too.

But Seunghyun didn’t like ‘if’s and ‘when’s, so on the weekends Jiyong took a job as a DJ at a fairly popular club in Hongdae. He still didn’t make as much as Seunghyun at the end of the week, but to Jiyong that didn’t really matter. They had a roof over their heads and food in their bellies and it wasn’t always going to be this way. He was sure of it.

The day of the fight, he’d come home from the studio to a dark apartment.

“Hyung?” He’d flipped the switch, but nothing came on.

“They cut the power. We missed the payment.” Seunghyun’s voice came from the direction of the sofa and Jiyong relaxed.

“So light a candle?” He laughed, “Why are you sitting here in the dark?”

“Light a candle? Jiyong-ah, that’s not the point!” The light on Seunghyun’s phone flared to life, throwing his haggard face into sharp relief. “We have food in the fridge that will spoil, we have no hot water, no internet, nothing!”

“I’ll borrow some money from Youngbae, I’ll get it turned back on in the morning. It’s not a big deal, Hyung.” Jiyong tried to reassure him, but Seunghyun shook his head.

“We can’t keep doing this. This has to stop.”

“Don’t worry, Hyung. Things will get better.” Jiyong stepped closer to him, raising a hand to touch his cheek. He drew in a sharp breath when Seunghyun rebuffed him, shrugging off his touch.

“They’d be better if you’d act like an adult and get a job that actually pays you.”

Jiyong huffed, annoyed. Not this again. “I’m going to get paid. It just takes awhile. It’s a small company. Other things come first. Other things are more important.”

“We’re important, Jiyong. You’re important.” Seunghyun reached for him this time, catching Jiyong’s hand between his, his phone lay on their banged up old coffee table, illuminating the room. “We need to eat. We need to pay bills. This company isn’t your responsibility. This relationship, us, we’re your responsibility. Our responsibility. I’m tired of doing this on my own.”

Jiyong tugged his hand away, frowning. “You’re not on your own. I’m here. I’m always here. You’re the one who checks out, who can’t be bothered to try anymore. I’m the one who has to try for both of us, because you won’t even get up off the ground when you get knocked down anymore.”

“You’re not trying to do anything but put us in debt. I’m sorry that me being the realistic one is such an inconvenience for you, Jiyong.”

“What’s inconvenient is your doom and gloom attitude, Hyung!”

“I’m serious, Jiyong-ah. It’s time for you to grow up. You need to start looking for a real job or I’m going to have to start to seriously reconsider where I want this relationship to go.”

Jiyong took a step away from him, hurt. “Then go. Get out. I’m fine with me, with my life, with who we are. But if this life isn’t enough, if I’m not good enough for you anymore, then go. I won’t stop you. I don’t need you here if you’re going to be like this…”

And so Seunghyun had left. He’d thrown some clothes into a duffel bag and left without another word.

Jiyong had figured he’d be back on Sunday night since he has to work Monday mornings, but he didn’t show.

Jiyong never tried to call him and he never tried to text him. He’d told him to leave if Jiyong wasn’t enough for him anymore, and he had. He wasn’t about to throw himself at Seunghyun. If he wanted to talk to him, to let him know how he was doing, how Jiyong was doing, he could pick up a phone.

It was enough to know he was eating. Enough to know he had a place to stay.

He told himself it was enough, anyway.

They never really broke up… were they broken up?

Jiyong didn’t know.

He didn’t feel like they were broken up.

When he woke up in the morning he still stretched out an arm, expecting Seunghyun to be there.

When something amusing happened at work, he still found himself with a message open, ready to text Seunghyun about it.

When he laughed, he still turned to the side, expecting his lover’s steady gaze and easy smile to be there to share the moment with him.

When Jiyong thought about his future, Seunghyun was still there. A thread woven throughout the tapestry of his life that he couldn’t bring himself to yank out.

But it seemed that Seunghyun had moved on without him, had started his life over in Busan, as far away from Seoul and from Jiyong as he could get.

So he guessed they were broken up.

Jiyong just never got the memo.

So if he was being honest with himself, Jiyong hadn’t given Seunghyun more than a passing thought in week.

If only because it hurt to much to do otherwise.

On this particular Friday night, the night before his twenty-sixth birthday, Jiyong was the featured DJ at the club. G-Dragon was a patron favorite and his booking price had been steadily increasing. He was even starting to pick up some gigs for private events.

When he stepped into the booth that night, the last thing he’d expected was to look up halfway through his set and see Seunghyun standing on the far side of the dance floor, watching him.

He’d seen the notifications, that Seunghyun had bought lunch in Daegu, but he’d just assumed it was a day trip or something. It hadn’t occurred to him that he was heading back to Seoul.

Back to Jiyong.

What did he want from him? Was this the end?

Was he finally coming to tell him it was over, face to face?

He met Seunghyun’s eyes and the older man smiled a wry smile, nodding his head in acknowledgement.

The night ended and Jiyong left the booth, shaking hands with people and handing out his card. He made his way slowly across the floor, always keeping one eye on Seunghyun at his place at the bar. As the patron slowly trickled out into the balmy night air, Jiyong finally approached him.

Seunghyun stood as he walked over, giving Jiyong a good once over, from his cotton candy colored hair to his clothes. He slipped one finger under the shoulder of the leather vest he wore over his bare chest, plucking at it. “I didn’t realize something like this was required to play a bit of music.”

Jiyong bristled, “It’s not. But people like it. And so do I.”

Seunghyun raised his hands, placating. “I didn’t come here to fight, Jiyong-ah.”

Jiyong narrowed his eyes at him, “So why did you come?”

“To talk.”

“So talk.”

Seunghyun looked around them, at the curious eyes of the club employees cleaning up for the night. Jiyong sighed, “Follow me.”

He lead Seunghyun through a side door and down a maze of dark hallways that made up the bowels of the club. He tested a few knobs before he found an unlocked door, then lead Seunghyun inside a storage room.

“Talk.” He repeated, turning to regard Seunghyun, arms crossed over his leather clad chest.

He was caught one-hundred percent off guard by the strong arms that enveloped him.

“I’m an idiot.” Seunghyun mumbled into the crook of his neck. “I’m a self-righteous moron.”

“Hyung…” He ran a soothing hand down Seunghyun’s back, almost unconsciously, so deeply ingrained in him was the need to ease Seunghyun’s pain.

“I thought I was right. I thought that everything would be better if we just had a little more.” Seunghyun rushed on, “And I couldn’t understand how you couldn’t see that. I thought you were being selfish. I thought I had outgrown you.”

Jiyong stiffened in his arms, “Outgrown me?”

“Hush, Jiyongie, please. Just listen to me. I was wrong, I was so, so wrong. I missed you so much. I was miserable. I told myself I was being ridiculous, that I was just use to you. I thought if I tried hard enough that I could work you out of my system. I went as far away from you and everything that reminded me of you as I could. I drove until I hit the ocean, and then I tried to start over. And maybe it worked for a bit, I don’t know. But then I realized it was your birthday soon and the thought of not being here for that… that something so small could be the final straw… I couldn’t stand it anymore and I had to see you. The whole drive here all I thought about was you and our life together.” He took a shuddering gasp, pressed a simple kiss against Jiyong’s jaw. “I want that back. I want you back. I don’t need anything else. I just need you.”

“Ah, hyung.” Jiyong sighed. And he knew. He knew the past three months of loneliness and heartbreak should have been enough to tell Seunghyun to get lost, but honestly, when in his life had he ever been capable of denying the older man anything? “You’ve always had me. I haven’t gone anywhere. I’ll always be right here.”

Seunghyun pulled back, framing Jiyong’s face in his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You’re all I need, I love you.”

“I love you, too, hyung.”

a/n: as always all mistakes are mine and I'm sure I'll correct them as I re-read in the future. :) Come visit me on tumblr at kwon-ji-yongie <3