Heavy breathing. Sweaty palms. Beads of sweat were rolling down my face. Why the hell was I so nervous?

"You can do this. It's not like anything's changed," I said to my reflection. "You got this."

I wiped the sweat off of my face and hands all while muttering, "You got this," in an attempt to calm my nerves. I look at myself in the mirror one more time. "You got this," I say once more. I slapped myself. My face stung, but at least the pain distracted me from my thoughts. I stood in front of the bathroom door, closed my eyes, and said, "You got this," one last time, before I pushed it open.

"Hey Jungkook! We were starting to think you had already fallen asleep inside," joked Namjoon. All my other friends laughed at this, and I pretended to as well.

"What took you so long anyway?" asked Seokjin. 

"Oh. I.. uh... I was feeling kind of sick so- But I'm fine," I said. Damn it. I couldn't even construct coherent sentences.

"You sure?" asked Jimin. I nodded as I took my seat next to him.

"So, what'd I miss?" I asked.

"Taehyung was just telling us about how he proposed to Chaeyeon," said Hoseok.

My palms felt sweaty again. My breaths were becoming shorter. 

"Jungkook, are you sure you're okay? Because if you're not we could-" asked Yoongi. 

"I said, I'm fine!" I insisted. I might have said that a little louder than planned. "I'm sorry," I said. I looked at each of their faces. Worry was etched on each one, including the most beautiful one that belonged to Taehyung. 

Taehyung. 

5 years ago

"PULL!"

I ran towards the middle of the field as our game of Ultimate Frisbee began. I loved playing Ultimate. It was my escape from my other responsibilities, such as my schoolwork. I was majoring in Chemistry, and all those structures, formulas, and instruments made my head hurt occasionally. Which was why I started playing Ultimate. When I started playing, I didn't really care about anything except having fun. And sometimes, winning.

Halfway through the game I noticed someone near the field, watching us. Apparently Yoongi knew the guy since he waved at him and ran in his direction. We all stopped and watched as Yoongi gave him a hug, and waved for us to come meet the guy. 

Yoongi introduced him, but I didn't really catch his name. It was at that moment that I got a good look at his face. I couldn't decide on whether he was handsome or cute. Maybe he was both. I smiled unknowingly, and felt my heart beat faster. Damn it. I hate it when this happens.

Yoongi's friend played Ultimate with us after that. He was pretty good. Better than I was, actually (then again, everyone was better than me). After a good game we decided to eat dinner, and he tagged along with us. I didn't mind. In fact, I actually liked the idea because that way I could admire his face even more. I got to know him better that night. Apparently he played a lot of sports, he sang, ang he also danced. He also played the drums. 

After dinner we decided to hang out some more; just talk and try to get to know each other. The whole time I just kept on smiling. My heart was beating faster than it usually did. I asked if he had a social media account so I could follow him, and he said he did. I was happy because, finally, I'd get to know what his name was (I was too shy to ask). The name on his account read 'V', which didn't sound like the name Yoongi used to introduce him. But at least I was a step closer to figuring out his name. I followed his account, and later on we said goodbye.

That night I lay in bed, thinking of him. A smile was still etched on my face. I think I had a crush on him.

For months I didn't get to see him that much. He didn't play Ultimate with us that much, which made me kind of sad. But then, there are those instances where I do see him, and we say hi to each other. Those were the little moments that I cherished. Those were the little moments that made me happy and kept me sane when my academics started piling up. We were floormates in the dormitory we were living in. He often stayed outside his room. So whenever I got too tired of doing stuff for school, I look outside to see if he was in his usual spot.

Eventually I found out his name was Taehyung. I frequently checked his Twitter to see if he was online. I wanted to talk to him, but I was too shy. Every day that passed by I fell in my hole of feelings for Taehyung deeper. I just couldn't stop thinking about him. 

One day I decided to tell Yoongi about it. We were hanging out that day, just the two of us, and I brought it up.

"Hey Yoongi," I said, "I think I might have feelings for someone."

"Really? Who?" he asked.

"It's-" I hesitated. Should I tell Yoongi? I mean all my friends knew I was gay, I just had this sudden gut feeling to not tell him. "You know what, never mind," I said.

"Really dude? You're going to keep me hanging like that? C'mon. Tell me," said Yoongi.

"It's-" I hesitated again. I wanted to tell Yoongi, but I wasn't sure if it was the right idea.  it. "I like Taehyung," I said.

"Really? How long now?" he asked.

"A while," I said, "That being ever since I saw his face." I smiled as I recalled seeing him for the first time.

Yoongi chuckled and said, "Well you seem to be happy. I won't tell him about this. Promise."

One day we all thought we'd go ice skating. Everyone, including Taehyung, went. We all had bags back then and needed a place to put them in, so we decided to rent lockers at the rink; one locker for two people. I decided to share with Yoongi. 

"Hey Jungkook, do you want to share a locker?" asked Taehyung. 

"Oh, I'm already sharing one with Yoongi," I said. Damn it.

"Oh okay. It's cool," he said, smiling. He looked absolutely adorable when he did that. 

A little while later I found out Yoongi was sharing with Hoseok. I was going to share with Taehyung when I found out but he was already sharing one with Namjoon, so I had to share with Seokjin.

It was my first time ice skating but I wasn't nervous. I was actually kind of excited. I used to rollerblade when I was a kid, so I guess I kind of knew how to skate. I just didn't know how different they would be though. For a first timer though, I'd say I wasn't half bad. That is, compared to the others. Everyone else, except Taehyung and I, stuck to the sides. Taehyung and I would occasionally go to the middle of the rink. One time I slipped and fell, and he helped me up, and even brushed off the ice from my . He touched my . I looked over at Yoongi who was trying his best not to laugh and keep a straight face. I skated over to him and said, "Shut up. You look constipated."

I made a lot of memories with my friends (Taehyung included as he was joining us more often now). Our schedules were basically the same everyday: wake up, go to class, play Ultimate, eat dinner together, hang out, study together. One night while we were studying for an exam the next day, we decided to put on some music. Namjoon played this song about having a crush on someone and wondering if they feel the same. I loved the song and sang to it while I was studying. I'd glance at Taehyung at times though, directing what I felt while singing the song towards him. He didn't really notice anything, but the others did. Although I never really told them, I wasn't exactly subtle when I tried flirting with Taehyung. Pretty soon everybody caught on; everybody except Taehyung that was.

That same night while we were taking a break from studying Taehyung decided to share the story about him and a girl he liked. I was actually kind of amazed that he had such a good memory; still remembering even the smallest details. As he went on with his story though, I could feel my heart sinking; my chest felt like it had a 25-ton weight attached it. I was jealous. 

I couldn't sleep well that night. I just kept thinking about Taehyung and his experiences. I'd sometimes imagine that Taehyung and I would have moments like those, which brought a smile to my face. After a while though the jealousy would come crawling back, and my smile would vanish. 

"Jungkook! Jungkook!"

I was back at the table with my friends. All of them were staring at me. "I'm sorry. Just- I got lost in my thoughts. What were we talking about?" I asked. 

"We were asking you if you're feeling okay," said Seokjin.

"Yeah. I'm fine," I lied. 

Taehyung suddenly stood up. "Jungkook can we talk outside?" he asked. I really didn't want to but I didn't really have a choice either. I stood up and followed Taehyung outside. Before I left, I could see worried expressions still etched on my friends faces. I tried smiling in the hopes of assuring them that things would be fine. No such luck.

Taehyung was waiting for me beside his car. "Get in," he said. 

"Why? Where are we going?" I asked.

"Nowhere. I just want to talk to you," Taehyung explained.

"In your car? Why can't you just-" 

"Jungkook please don't make this harder than it already is. Please get in." Taehyung was practically pleading. I sighed and got into the car. Taehyung got in after me. Silence. After a few seconds, Taehyung spoke. "What's going on Jungkook? Why are you like this?"

"Why am I like what?" You mean like a total jerk who doesn't seem to be happy for his friend who's getting married. 

"You know what I mean," said Taehyung.

"Then you should know the answer to your question," I replied.

Taehyung sighed. "Jungkook... I'm s-"

"Don't!" I said. "Don't apologize! Stop apologizing because you have done absolutely nothing wrong, okay? I'm the one who can't ing accept that you're getting married; I'm the one who can't seem to move on from you; I'm the one who should be sorry. I should be happy for you because you've found someone who makes you happy." My voice started to crack and my eyes were just swimming in tears. "I'm sorry because, even after five long years, I'm still in love with you; I'm sorry I can't make you happy the way your fiancé does; I'm sorry because despite reassuring me that we're still friends, I chose to ignore you after you rejected me." Tears were streaming down my face now, my breaths were short, and my voice was shaky. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

Before Taehyung could say anything else, I left the car and started running away. My face was wet with tears and I could barely see a thing. I kept running, ignoring Taehyung's voice calling my name. I ran farther and farther away. As far as my legs would-

"Jungkook look out!"

Blinding lights. An ear-splitting horn. Taehyung.