Something has skulked inside of Seulgi and slept inside her, for a long time to the point she never steps out from their apartment room ever since.

Wonwoo was there when it happened, and he didn't try anything to stop it. He just stays, because that's what he thought she needs; someone by her side and someone to stay beside her when she is not herself.

Δ

He still remembers the very first time they met. And it had been a long time ago. They know each other well, like how much Wonwoo knows how it felt to have galaxies combusting inside of him when he kissed Seulgi in the age of fifteen. He did it after Seulgi came with tears streaming down her face to his room. Her heart was in so much mess, and a kiss sounded more effective than words of comfort. 

It didn't matter to him that he gave his first kiss not for the sake of his happiness, but for Seulgi. He had known happiness a long time ago, in a whole other level on the time he met Seulgi when he was thirteen.

Seulgi was angry at him for doing that, that he took advantage of her sadness to exploit her. 

Wonwoo thought, Seulgi was just angry it was him who kissed her, not Mingyu who was supposed to be her crush. And then he realised, Seulgi didn't love him that time. Why would she? Him, who merely spent his days studying, reading comic books and appear like those boys who would talk lightly about girls like they are playthings, when they are nothing near that. Seulgi is not a play thing, and it's a known fact to him.

Δ

At the age of seventeen, Wonwoo was willing to do anything for Seulgi. She might not have realised this, even though they were just mere friends. The term friends irked him so much. He wished that he was brave enough to knock on her heart and hear her answer.

He was bold to do that when her heart was broken for the second time. He found her standing in the rain, her damped uniform stuck onto her like a second skin and he turned away from the sight of her visible brassiere. Wonwoo made his clothes wet that evening to infuse heat to her freezing body while holding a yellow umbrella above them, the rain atrociously hitting the pavements.

But despite of that, Wonwoo felt a little bit thankful. Without the rain, he would never get a chance to hold Seulgi like this again. Without another bastard breaking her heart, they wouldn't be possible.

"You are the one I am thinking when I barely can close my eyes, Seulgi. You are the words I whisper to myself amidst the sun rising to the horizon. You are the person I want to shout out into the world when eyes are awake and I can finally see that you're looking at me."

This time, Seulgi was the one who kissed him in salted tears and burning skin, lips whispering, biting, smiling and hands around his neck. "I can't believe it took you so long to find me. I can't believe you, Jeon Wonwoo. You made me suffer for so long." He was able to patch up her heart with the right pieces and Seulgi actually loved him, all this time. She didn't say it, but he knew. He just knew. They kissed on the dark alley beside her house, hiding from her parents' eyes who see kisses to be too dirty to be committed by their children.

Δ

At the age of eighteen on their graduation day, they made love to each other. Drunk in the idea of love between the two of them, they lost themselves in each other. It was of smiles, innocent chortles with hands searching in the dark (because doing it like in those movies sounded thrilling to them, no lights watching them taking each other's clothes off). Even though it was dark, he could still see her. Her skin was as soft as silk, and the places Seulgi touched above his skin felt pure and dream-like. It almost felt like a sin to Wonwoo, to feel so much joy and contentment in something like this.

He recounts Seulgi laughing when he traced firefly kisses in her jaw, her lips placed warmly to his temple.

"You will never know how precious you are to me, Wonwoo. You're here for so long," that night, they stayed awake for hours, bodies beneath white sheets of some cheap motel they had stumbled in that evening. 

They talked and talked about their lives after their intimate moments, talking about their futures and what they were going to do. He planned to build a future with Seulgi, but she didn't seem ready, so he kept it to himself.

"You won't either, Seulgi."

"It's funny, how we stopped being friends awhile ago and began to love each other like this."

"I never see you as a friend, just so you know."

"Really? Even when we were thirteen?" Seulgi was looking up to him in disbelief now.

"Of course, since we were thirteen," and she only looked and shook her head at him, burying herself to the blanket.

"You're silly. What did you know about love back then, Wonwoo? You were just a young boy," only her eyes playfully smiles at him from under the sheet.

"I knew quite a lot to keep the one I like close by my side," he smiled in a sly way and scooted closer and closer until their skins touched and Seulgi laughed again with endless kisses placed on her forehead.

"Promise me you'll never let me go, Wonwoo." She was looking at him now, hands on his shoulders, his arms around her. He was looking at her as if she was the place he could come back to and live in, to the end of his time.

"I promise, Seulgi," he looked back at her, brushing away messy strands off her face and tucking it behind her ears like a golden precious thing.

"Promise me you won't fall when I do."

"I p-wait what do you mean by that?"

"Just promise me, Wonwoo."

"Then, I promise."

"What do you want me to promise?"

"I just want you to stay. Through thick and thin. Stay as long as you can."

"I promise, Wonwoo. I promise I will stay long enough until you get tired of me being beside you."

"I will never do that."

"You never know, Wonwoo. You never know."

Her words somehow sent something deep inside of him, making him realise how insecure Seulgi actually was as a person. She had told him her worries a lot about other things, but she never told her worries regarding him and everything between the two of them.

Δ

After they finished college, Wonwoo married Seulgi under dead leaves falling above their heads and it was perfect. Everything about their wedding was. From their smiling parents, to their clapping friends from high school and college, witnessing how they made it. Ten years and his love for her survived.

He made it. Seulgi was smiling her worth-of-a-million-stars smile that day, her hair in dark whorls and her arm laced to his. His dream came true.

It was all fairy tales and warm kisses everyday, until he lost her. He realised he lost her when she stopped painting the things that she loved and stopped talking to him and just detached herself from him.

Seulgi fell, but he didn't know what was the reason and how could she end up this way, her turning his questions away with vague answers.

"Seulgi, please tell me what happened. I can't bear to see you like this. It's too painful, please."

"Isn't sadness a beautiful thing, Wonwoo? It breaks you from the inside and makes you feel empty yet whole at the same time. It's strange but it's beautiful, just like you," she didn't answer and placed a cold kiss on the top of his head, her fingers brushing his hair fondly. 

"You're not answering my question, Seulgi."

"I can't answer it, that's why."

She would wake up, take a long shower in the afternoon, then eat (only twice per day, as Wonwoo counts everytime, on Sundays and days he didn't have work), and she would stare out of the window, her legs framed to her knees, staring at anything but him.

When he came home from work, he'd find her curled up in the bed, staring emptily across the empty space. He wants to snap her out, but it's been hard to reach her these days.

Day by day, little by little, love that is there between the two of them dies down, as Seulgi is slipping from his fingers, even when the distance between them is barely a finger away.

She'd still make love to him and unscrew everything of him that is tight, but it no longer feels the same. As if she already left this world, and Wonwoo is living with her shadow.

He tried smoking once, even though he was not one to smoke. He knows how badly Seulgi loathes the smell of it, even produced from cars and especially by smokers.

At least, she had flamed up and became alive again with him destroying himself like this. She'd regain herself and striked the match in her.

"No, no. Wonwoo, don't kill yourself like this," Seulgi seemed so fragile that day, her lips trembling and her hands reached out to the cig in his mouth. She was wearing a sleeveless top with short shorts, long legs marched to him who sat in a small sofa in the living room, close to the opened window.

He turned his face away, inhaling it deep and deeper and pulled it away from Seulgi's reach, blowing off smoke to the ceilings. "You're already killing me, Seulgi."

"No, what did I do to you?" He sighed heavily when she seemed clueless. She was changing into someone he barely knew. Seulgi was never like this. She had always been sure about herself, keen about the things happening around her. Wonwoo could only wonder about the things that changed her since she never answered.

He scrunched the cigarette on the wooden ashtray, messing his hair since he couldn't see her like this. Messing himself up sounded like a horrible idea when the person before him seemed off already. "Come here, Seulgi," he patted his lap and Seulgi stayed rooted in her spot, until he had to pull her to sit on his lap.

"It's been awhile since we did this," he sighed into her hair which smelled like roses, his left arm securely keeping her pinned to him, her right hand laced to his.

"Yes, I know," the lower skin of her thigh brushed his pants and he missed this. He missed them holding each other like this fondly, like they used to. 

If she had spoken everyday to him, it would have made it a lot better. But she barely had any words to say, so it was hard. She was his dream, and it pained him to see her fading like this.

Her body began to quake, hands gripping over her body tightly, face down and hair falling to her face.

"What's wrong, Seulgi? What's wrong with you?" He wanted to see her face, but she insisted to stay there, facing away from him. So he held her close to him and embraced her, so tight but not tight enough to break her. Only enough to make all the broken parts in her stitch back together.

"You are the spring which I find myself in whenever I wake up every morning, You are the colours chasing me back alive whenever I felt my life is turning dull. You are the lullaby who hummed me to sweet dreams and a world where you and I are immortals who live for no one but ourselves. You are Kang Seulgi who loves painting like a part of your being, who is selfless and bright and the sun in my life. Kang Seulgi, who I spend my life worrying if I will ever get to be with you in the end, if our ends will ever meet-" Wonwoo didn't want to stop whispering all the truth to her skin, to make her sure that she wasn't alone and whatever she was fighting, he was there by her side.

"I'm trying to hold on, Wonwoo. I'm trying."

"I'm here, Seulgi. I'm here, I just want you to see that."

It was tearing his heart apart that he still had to struggle to make her see him. 

But Seulgi is losing, she is losing in a battle with this invincible thing Wonwoo couldn't grasp. And it is even worse, the pain of losing her to herself is more painful than the one he felt when she kissed boys that were not him. 

Wonwoo doesn't want to leave (he promised her, how could he?) but he needs a reason to stay. Sometimes, one can hold on so long until one breaks. And that is Wonwoo. He is human too, and he is breaking apart seeing her deteriorating self, falling into a deep abyss where his arms won't be long enough to reach her.

Δ

In spring night, he comes home with a scent of perfume that is alike to Seulgi's - yet it's not hers. He still bought her favourite flowers - orchids - in the florist near their apartment, whose son used to crush on Seulgi. Wonwoo came in to the store one day, seeig the son giving her orchids for free and he noticed the slight frown in his face when Wonwoo put his arm around her waist protectively. 

"He likes me, Wonwoo." She had frowned at him after walking out of the store, fingers fiddling with the petals. "You could have been more subtle with it."

"I don't like the way he was looking at you."

"It's not necessary to break his heart like that, still."

"Whatever."

She grinned and pecked him on the cheek. "You're so fast to get angry, don't be like that," she nudged him playfully in the ribs, ignoring the side eyes they received from passer-bys in the street.

And that is one of the bright moments in his life. It was one of the little moments they had with each other. Looking back, he never imagined to never have those little moments again. The sun barely touched her skin these days.

He places the orchids by the bed side, and Seulgi is sitting in their dining table, her head laid on her arms, sleeping soundly.

Wonwoo sighs, as he sees a plate of spaghetti in the table. It's one of the rare days where she is actually there, and not a shadow.

She has always been a light sleeper, and when he is about to take a seat while pulling out the chair, it creates a screech that causes her to jump out of her sleep. 

She has always looked like a deer caught in the headlights whenever she looks stunned, only that her eyes are feline-like. Her black tresses are still graciously long reaching her hip, and she's clad in her night silk dress, soft pink and falling to her knees.

The slightest move that she makes as she shrugs herself in discomfort from the disturbance, sends the loose night dress away from her shoulder a couple of times. It gives him a sight of portuding pallid bones, asking to be traced and loved until it gleams and turns a shade more passionate. She effortlessly pulls it over again and again, only to slip away more as she gets up from the table.

"Don't sleep on the table, Seulgi," Wonwoo mutters worriedly, coming closer to her. He realizes the reason she didn't manage to do so is because two of the upper buttons of her dress are unbottoned. He proceeds to button it up as Seulgi keeps her eyes fixed on him. He doesn't know if she's actually there, though.

"Wonwoo," it feels like years since she's called his name. He doesn't reply and continue to straighten her dress, putting wild strands back into place. He feels like a dollmaker, keeping his doll in check from time to time, dressing her up and keeping her safe.

"You should sleep, it's 1AM right now. I still have something to work on," he glances at her and takes her arm gently, guiding her to their bed, ready to tuck her in. He feels obligated to take care of her, for something inside her was lost, something that made him see her in the distance. This will be like any other time for him, a routine that he has grown accustomed with.

"Come in, Wonwoo," she grips on his arm and it feels like the last time. It's the first time in a long time Seulgi manages to pull and push him into her, and he wonders if this is going to be the first or the last. The thought makes him confused and almost insane, to think about the countless possibilities.

No matter how little love he has for her now, she was his sun and he doesn't want to push that fact away. He keeps it dear and close to his heart, the time she was herself and bright.

He closes his eyes. "Only for a little while."

"i don't need much of your time."

She's still considerate as ever, Wonwoo ponders on himself as he changes out of his work attire. When he slips into their bed, she's sitting upright, her back supported by the head of the bed.

The moon is casting its beam in her face, and she reminds him of a princess from the old tales his teachers told him about. Princesses with solemn hearts and subdued nature.

She's thin, almost skeletal, that makes him always careful and tender whenever he touches her. She's off into her own space again, but now he waits for her to realize.

"Wonwoo, I'm destroying everything right?" her voice is still raspy and muddled in dreams. He doesn't look at her, sitting straight facing lines of painting before him whose artist shifts uncomfortably in her space.

He runs his shapely fingers across his jet black hair, turning to look at her as he does this. She's peering down at him, her eyes unreadable and foreign.

"There's nothing left to destroy, Seulgi-" and he feels like taking back those words. He doesn't want to let her know that he's tired and worn out of feelings, having to see her being like this for days and weeks.

She chortles somewhat bitterly. "Nothing left in me to be unraveled, I guess. Nothing left of me to destroy."

"What happened, Seulgi? What happened to us?" He calls out somewhat desperately and instead of moving away from him, she scoots closer and lets him lay his head on her chest, her fingers by the side of his face. The night is cool and he feels warmer with Seulgi beside him, ruffling his hair from time to time. He still loves the way her fingers would straighten out tangled knots in the layers of his hair, combing it all straight.

"I can't understand it myself. But something is lost, and I don't know how to take it back."

"You can give up on me, Wonwoo. It's time-" he is still in her arms, burying himself in Seulgi, who is coated in dried tears and dead lips.

"-isn't the girl living across of us pretty? She smiles to you like I do."

He feels like breaking apart as Seulgi is willing to let him go so freely, and she actually sounds like the one he had fell in love with. He moves to the crook of her neck and rests there, his lips breathing close. Seulgi shivers under his cold breath as if death finally whispers its visit to her, even though Wonwoo is far from death for her. He is a tide of affection that is both keeping her afloat and drown her to the deep ocean. He closes his eyes, listening to her.

"How did you know that?"

"You told me last Saturday."

"And-"

"And you don't have work on Saturdays," her voice is crestfallen as she says this, and he can feel her shoulders give away. Tears bristle on her eyes again and again and she lets it fall one by one, drip by drip. Each time it falls, it burns his heart like acid.

"I promised to never let you go, and I won't. I promised you to not fall when you do, and I'm trying. I'm sorry, Seulgi. It was a mistake, I would never repeat it again. No, I would never dare to do it again." He wants to whisper all those things about their childhood, them growing up together until they become the way they are now, but he's afraid she won't listen. That she is too shrouded in darkness to remember what they used to be.

"I still love you, Seulgi," they are married now and he already spent more than five years beside her since their teenage years, knowing and learning Seulgi all over again. Now, with these seemingly eternal sadness inhabiting her, he just have to learn about her all over again--Seulgi with all her sadness and sorrow.

"I can't feel it, Wonwoo. I can't feel anymore," she chokes on her tears, and he places warm kisses on her neck, to her jaw then to her face, as if doing so would make her feel something. And in between that, with the two upper button of her dress coming loose for the second time and detach themselves from each other, he still find stars in the deep lines carved by her bones resting there, sleeping and glittering.

His arms are wrapped around her small waist, and something inside Wonwoo tells him to brush the thought of removing her night gown, even when she seems suffocated with the already light fabric enveloping her body.

"I'm running out of time, Wonwoo-"

"We are all running out of time. It keeps me awake all night," her breathing falls steady as he places his fingers securely on her waist, on the curves of her body.

No matter how little the love he has for her now, out of the blue Seulgi is going to be able to strike the match inside of her and becomes herself again. He'd tell himself to be constant for her, no matter how far they drift from each other.

"Wonwoo, I-I can't get pregnant, Wonwoo. We will never have a child together," when her tears slide even harder and harder to her cheeks, morose leaking out from her lips, palms pressed to her face helplessly, Wonwoo finally understands. 

It explains the disappointed look she had when her eyes passed along the lines of children skipping to their school through their windows, it explains why Seulgi stopped showing him pictures of babies whom she loved collecting so much, it shows why she couldn't answer him all these weeks. She was deeply disappointed at herself, how she couldn't be a mother to her own child because of her own incapability.

She stopped bringing up the topic of names for their chidren. It pains him, that the possibility of having his first child from Seulgi is diminishing, but there is still hope. Nothing is impossible in the his eyes. In the age of twenty four, Wonwoo is more determined than ever to do anything for the both of them, so they will make it out together.

"You shouldn't have kept this for yourself, Seulgi. You should have told me."

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't, you're already working yourself day and night and I felt like such a huge burden. Even more so, drowning myself in sadness-I just couldn't think straight. It's like-like my whole life I dreamt to have a family of my own, to have a child. Then, it's suddenly taken away from me like that. It hurt so much, there must be something wrong i-" She's looking at him with pleading eyes, holding on to him so he won't leave after knowing the truth.

Like that will ever happen.

"Hush, Seulgi. It's okay, don't say anything anymore. You're hurting yourself like this," he brushes the tears off her face with his thumb. "It's fine. It's not impossible, Seulgi. We will try all the options that are available."

"Thank you for not giving up on me, Wonwoo. Thank you for staying," she utters softly and tenderly, fingers by the side of his face now, them lying down and her facing him.

He doesn't realize that she is looking at him as all of her life spread out before her; her childhood, her teenage years of heartbreaks where she busied herself with boys who're not him, her first kiss, her first time being touched underneath her clothes, her love, her husband and her future.

Most times, Wonwoo is too busy keeping her happy and loved to notice that she loves him as much as he does, to know that he is also loved. Even more, perhaps. Seulgi has her own secret thoughts of Wonwoo which she rarely expresses to him.

"I'm so relieved, Seulgi. I'm so relieved that you are finally here," he feels his voice thickening and cracking apart, and he turns his eyes away from her. 

"Once again, I'm sorry. But I'm here now," and then Seulgi kisses him, the energy from her body surging inside of her like light thundering his insides, and it feels like that chlorine kiss they did when they were nineteen and reckless enough to do anything, throwing their clothes off to the shore and jumped in the ocean, kissing underwater with mermaids and dolphins blessing them with ethereal smiles, and trusting each other to provide enough oxygen to survive until they reach the surface. 

Another star explodes for their love to each other, her dead lips now kissing him and becoming alive after her resolve, feeling chlorine kisses being repeated over and over again as they go on despite not being under water, the skies are parting themselves for a better day and Wonwoo is glad that he stays, through thick and thin with her.

Eventually, he finds that he will never be able to detach himself from Seulgi who is his youth, his dream and he doesn't regret the pain he felt all these times to reach until this point with her, with them finally together.

SO SOMEHOW THIS ENDED UP SO LONG AND OMGGGGG IM DROWNING IN FEELS AGAIN. I hope you like it and please leave your thoughts below ^^