Jiyong.

I never told anybody of the voices in my head. Nobody knew, that, when I left the house to go to school, they told me to burn it. Nobody knew, that they wanted me to hurt my sister. That they said, the jeans I got from my aunt was ugly, I better ripped it.

They thought it was me who stole the toys of my sister, who burnt the new kitchen, who destroyed his clothes.

I was sure, it was normal.

And I was. At least, in my own way. But I had to learn, I wasn't. Not a bit.

My sister was never angry with me. She meant, it's okay. She always was the good girl, so understanding with her little ed up brother.

My mother was always so concerned. I came home and she just shook her head with this look full of sorrow. My father... well, I guess I was just one big disappointment for him. I wasn't interested in taking over his law firm, or in laws anyway. I liked music and clothes.

And boys. Maybe this was his biggest problem. You heard this? The son of the Kwons is gay?! Aww, hell no.

So, I spent the most time of my childhood in my room, listening to music, talking to my self, writing, screaming to my self, cutting, having deep, bloody thoughts about my future beeing.

I geuss, I was no easy kid.

But, to be honest, my life wouldn't be that bad forever. Well, besides my non-existent friends in my head. I wouldn't even call them friend. Above all, they are annoying.

''Seriously? You wanna live here?''

I sighed. I was tired and exhausted, just having a two hours lasting introduction in my new appartement behind me, so I really hadn't any nerve for the complaining of two tormentors.

But, honestly, my new roommates were almost as horrible as the voices in my head. I didn't know that something like this was even possible.

''Well, there is a big window in the living room and... oh my, it looks like some of the walls are only made of glass-'' ''Aaaish, would you please stop talking about your ing windows? That't kinda very ing not interesting!'' ''Whoa, I'm just soo sorry mister, but at least, I don't talk all the time about ing the hot new-roommate-chic! Because, maybe you didn't notice, he's gay!'' ''Oh my GOD! Stop this ! I can't even think!'' I pressed my hand against my ears, even if I already knew, it wouldn't help in anyway. Well, it was worth the attempt.

''Don't be such a ...'' ''You are hopeless, Jiyong...'' I tried my best to ignore them. With the years, I learnd to shut them out, but they never disappeared all in all.

For some time, I went to a therapist. Like, sitting ther and pretending to be attentive... or something.

She asked me about the voices. And I told her. She meant, I had to get them in something I could understand.

When I told her that I namend them, she looked at me like I was crazy.

But, I have to admit... I am crazy.

Actually, there are only two voices.

Yongbae and Seungri.

Well. To make it short, Yongbae is like some crazy christian guy, who wants me all the time to kill people in order of some big powerful beeing.

Seungri means, I just had to everyone and my problems would disappear.

I'm not crazy. But the voices in my head are, indeed.

Warm wind carves his way through the high standing blades of grass. The heaven looks like one big experiment of some crazy giant, who claimed to be an artist.

Beautiful.

Expect of the continuos whoosh of the wind, there are no sounds. No birds. No animals. No humans. After some time, maybe a minute, maybe an eternity, some movement comes into the soft waves of the grass. The sharp features of a tiger, big and soft, seems to glit through the field, thoughtful and content.

Then he stops,lowers his head, just a bit, and, it almost seems as if you could hear the crytsal clear laughter.

But the tiger is tired.

All in all, my life is kinda really ed up. But, Hey! Who cares? Definetley not me.

I was moving in the new flat in, like three days. My stuff was already packed, the most of it, at least, so I had time. I decided to go out this evening, because, what else could I do.

Beeing ed by some unknown jerk in the restroom of a club was better than sitting alone at home in an empty apartement, with nothing, then some depressing ty movies, joint and two voices in my head wich made my life to hell.

''And? Are you goin' to a girl today?'' ''Why should he? I mean, in case you didn't noticed-'' ''Hey's gay, I know.'' ''Then why the hell should he a girl?'' ''Dunno. People change.Isn't-'' ''Oh, come on, just shut up!''

I was standing in front of The High, one of the most apreciated and most visited clubs. Here came idols, buissiness-people, models and so on to drown their sorrows and problems in alcohol and , and, for this high standard, it was surprising cheap.

I wasn't that often here, but sometimes, I just had the feeling. I mean, why not? The people in here were hetero, bi and gay. It didn't happen very often, that I got home alone.

Inside, it was loud and full and colored. People and... monster. They were overall. All the time.

Sitting on the barstool and swirling around, I took the glass without caring what really was in it and rested my chin on my hands. Today, I wasn't interested in dancing or anything. I just wanted to sit and watch. And so I did.

''So... when actually do you want do,ahm, anything?'' 'What do you want me to do?', I thought, slightly mocking, of course I knew, what he wanted me to do, I just liked to . He was annoying and he was all the time around. ''As painful it si, to agree with that, I really liked to know, what you actually wanna do?'' 'I don't wanna so anything. Just shut up.'

''Hey ! Watcha doin'?'' Oh . Sighing, I bended my head down a little more, in the useless hope they would just leave me alone. I wasn't afraid. I just hadn't the energy to deal with Choi Dongwook and his menservants.

''Hey! Did something hit your dumb head, ?'' As I said, useless.

Just the moment my head hit the asphalt, I knew it would hurt the rest of the week. .

''Hey ! Get up!'' Gosh, this guy was annoying. Rolling my eyes, I streightened a bit up, hands on my head. I felt something wet and warm on my fingers. Double .

''Would you just get up er?!'' ''No.'' And again. Kwon Jiyong, shut up.

Dammnit.

''Why don't you just kill them?'' Yeah. Why not?

Seunghyun.

It was cold. Or, better said, it was freezing. And, as always, the ing Underground was, what felt like an eternity, too late. I tried desperately to not think of Seunghos words; make your drive license, er, and shoved my hands in the pokets of my jeans.

'they gotta gotta get you.

And the gonna gonn-''

''Yeah? Choi here?'' ''Hyuuuung! Where the are you?!'' Dongwook. The er. Sometimes, I had the vagualy wish killing the little monster. Besides, he was my older brother. I didn't know, why he called me Hyung. I didn't want to know.

''I come when I want. you. See ya.'' ''Seeee youuuu!''

Oh. Underground. After only fourteen minutes waiting. Awesome.

When I saw Dongwook and his little friends I immediately had the wish to turn around. Why had he always to bully some poor guy...

''Hyung! What took you so long?'' Dongwook turned around, and with him his slaves. But I didn't give any attention to them, my gaze took his way strictely to the boy laying on the floor.

He was bloody and dirty and hurt and breathtakingly beautiful.

Suddenly I was incredibly angry. Shoving Dongwook and Co. aside, I run to the guy on the street.

''Are you-'' I was just to ask him about his condition but then he looked up. His eyes met mine and I felt like something was tearing me apart.

He was perfect.

Slightly leaning back, I looked at first at the boy and then threw a look to Dongwook. ''Who is he?'' Mildley surprised, my so-loved-big-little brother raised a brow and looked between me and the guy on the floor back and forth. ''He? That's the littel from The High. Didn't I tell you from him?'' The High. I hated this club.

Ignoring Dongwooks question, I knelt down and inspected him.

And again.

He was perfect.

''Who are you?''

He seemed surprised, when not even taken aback. But then, something changed. His mouth, till now slightly opened, it twisted, forming a small, even knowing, smile.

''Jiyong. I'm Kwon Jiyong.'' He shook his head, eyes closed, then he tried to get up.

Jiyong.

''Hey...Jiyong. Sorry, my brother's such a jerk...ah, may I-'' ''It's okay.'' He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. ''I kinda have to go.'' He struggled to get up, so I reached around his shoulders to support him, against his protest. In this moment, I remembered Dongwook and his friends, but when I looked over my shoulder, they where gone.

Cowards.

''Really, it's okay.'' But he didn't smile anymore. When he stood straight again, he pattetd his legs, chlothed in ripped jeans, silently swearing and murmuring something, wich I was was sure was not for me to hear. ''Aaish, why don't you two just shut up?'' I wasn't sure what to think about the situation, better, about Jiyong.

But still, he was beautiful.

''I... I want to help you.I just don't know how.'' It was one of my biggest faults. When I didn't know, what to do or say, I just said what I thought.

Surprisingly, he wasn't taken aback or anything,he just shook his head and even the small smile came back.

''Ah, thanks... but no. No, I'm alright. I'm alright.''

And with these words, he left. I was to stunned to say, wther do anything, I just stood there, staring after the boy who was still, continously wispering: ''I'm alright, alright.''

I was sure, he wasn't.

Four days after the incident with Dongwook and his 'gang', Jiyong and I met again.

This time, it was noon and I saw him sitting alone in a cafe. Spontaneousley, I decided to accost him.

''Hey! Jiyong!'' He raised his head and looked at at me. At first he seemed confused, but then his eyes light up and I thought to see somthing like surprised gladness. Maybe I just hoped to see something like this but nevermind.

''Ah, Hey...'' ''Seunghyun.'' He smiled and nodded. ''Seunghyun. Ahm,'' he looked around and threw me a questioning glanze. ''Wanna sit down?''

Slighty surprised but not less pleased I took the seat across of him.

A awkward silence settled down around us, just a short moment, then I resognized the small, but never the less prominent wound over his left eye.

''Are you alright?'' And again, I asked this question, again, he just shook his head.

''It's okay.''

Why kept he saying this?

''What are you doing here alone?'' ''Actually... nothing.'' He shrugged and then laughed softley.

We sat there and talked about everything and nothing. This day, I found out that Jiyong loved music, that he just moved in in his new apartment, that he worked in a small studio, near this cafe. In the afternoon, I left the cafe with his phone number and the promise to see him again.

He was perfect.

Just the thougt of the feeling of his blood between my fingers gave me goosebumps.