“You’re staring again,” Jinyoung starts him that morning.

Jaebum looks up to his bedroom door that’s now ajar with Jinyoung’s head poking in. His skin seems fresher and the small towel resting atop his damp hair indicates he’s just done showering. What time is it now?

“We’re leaving in 20 so stop ogling at your roommate and get ready,” Jinyoung says, his stress on the word ‘roommate’ makes Jaebum roll his eyes and Jinyoung pulls his head out before peeking back in again. “Oh, and wake him up too.”

A sigh escapes Jaebum’s lips as Jinyoung closes the door and he turns his head to the boy sleeping next to him; he is hugging his pillow with a blissful, adorable expression on his face and Jaebum thinks about kissing him awake to find out if Youngjae’s lips is as sweet as what he imagines. But of course, being the reasonable leader, Jaebum instead nudges the boy on the shoulder with a little pressure and calls him several times until Youngjae whines and rubs his eyes open.

“We’re leaving soon. You go shower while I make the bed,” Jaebum says, prompting the boy to get up by pulling gently at his arm. Youngjae yawns and sits up, only to rest his head on Jaebum’s shoulder, upon which the older tenses and has to turn his head away to stop himself from nuzzling at the boy’s soft hair.

“Yah yah yah, wake up if you don’t want to get hit!” Jaebum tries again, his palms pressing against Youngjae’s shoulder to get him off of him.

The boy finally pulls back from him and pushes himself up off the bed, dragging his feet to the door with his eyes still half closed.

“Jaebum-hyung loves me too much, he would never hit me,” he grins cheekily before disappearing behind the door, leaving Jaebum flustered and unable to control his rapid heartbeat.

.

.

.

Jaebum has seen it coming when Jinyoung corners him in practice room that afternoon during break, but he’s never thought of any reasons to respond with. So when Jinyoung asks him ‘what are you doing’, Jaebum defends himself by returning the question to him.

“You should ask that to yourself and maybe stop joking around with Mark during dance practice.”

“At least I’m not the one messing up his steps and glaring at Jackson for the past 20 minutes for dragging my roommate around.”

Jaebum clenches his jaw at Jinyoung’s comeback, and the not-so-subtle emphasis again.

Bambam is skipping practice today to attend a photoshoot back in Thailand so Jackson has been attaching himself like a leech to the remaining maknaes to accompany him being an idiot with his antics but Yugyeom being Yugyeom (the usual brat that he is), not a single damn is spared even a little so Youngjae has to be the one to put up with Jackson and it irritates Jaebum because Jackson literally glues himself to Youngjae everywhere and not keeping his hands off of the boy.

“You see, I didn’t expect you to choose Youngjae as your roommate when we moved to the dorm because honestly, everyone including me thought we’re going to room together because you know, you, me, JJ Project, hm?” Jinyoung starts again.

“But even after you said you want to take Youngjae under your care because he has the least experience, I could still see through that ty as reasoning of yours because let me ing remind you: I’m your ing best friend, meaning I would know if you have other ing intentions you’re hiding.”

Jaebum winces at Jinyoung’s sudden use of dialect. “You might also want to ing remind me why you’re being insanely rude to your hyung.”

“Because, Jaebum-hyung, can’t you ing tell that I’m ing OFFENDED?!” Jinyoung throws his arms over his head in frustration. “You should’ve ing told me from the start that you have feelings for Youngjae instead of just ing ditching me with those twerps! I thought since we’re ing living together now, we’d be telling each other everything!”

Jaebum’s lips begin to twitch into a smile before he explodes in a shriek of laughter. Jinyoung hooks his arm around his neck to stop him from laughing but it just makes Jaebum’s guffaw more intense that he has to bend down because his stomach is starting to hurt and his tears are slowly oozing out. Of course Jinyoung would protest about that, what else would he be complaining about other than Jackson’s not inviting him to eat meet again?

“Okay, okay, sorry,” Jaebum says after his laughter dies down. He wipes his tears with the back of his hand. “You also haven’t told me that you have a thing for Mark, though? You owe me one too.”

Jinyoung shoots him a disbelief look. “You’re ing kidding me. I tried telling you during the photo shoot two ing weeks ago when we were waiting for our turn, but of course you just had to ing stare at Youngjae all the damn time!”

Jaebum laughs again, this time a bit more embarrassed because wow, does he really like Youngjae that much that he’s starting to lose focus? If he’s been failing to notice Jinyoung, what else has he been ignoring?

“I screwed up, didn’t I?” Jaebum asks, his voice sad and disappointed.

“To be ing honest, it could be worse. You just can’t help it, though. I totally get it,” Jinyoung says, his gaze is darted at the floor and Jaebum nods.

Now that he thinks about it, Youngjae has slowly become his center with those captivating, brighter than the sun smiles, melodic laughs and bubbly, gullible self that makes Jaebum wants to wrap his arms around the boy and shower him with kisses and affection. The fact that he can’t tell Youngjae all of this—that he gives him strength and faith with every reassuring pat of his hand on his back, and that he is the reason why everything seems bearable when the duty of a leader pressures him to the extent that he might break down because he feels as though he is not worthy enough, not reliable enough and basically not good enough to carry the responsibility that comes with the position—really puts him in distress because the boy needs to know how much he has helped Jaebum just by existing. Yet at the same time, he has to think rationally of their statuses. Work comes first after all, at least in Jaebum’s principal of life, and so what if he does tell him? It’s not like Youngjae feels the same way about him, right? Those meaningful smiles and gazes aren’t essentially meaningful too, right?

And oh man, how long has he missed having a heart-to-heart talk with his best friend like this?

“Help me get back up?” Jaebum offers his hand to Jinyoung, palm facing up and the younger happily accepts it. It’s a bit embarrassing to rely himself to Jinyoung almost all the time but it has been a habit of theirs since the very old days in order to be supports to one another. Jinyoung is a great caretaker after all and Jaebum always makes sure to return the favor.

“What would you do without me, hyung?” Jinyoung says, his fingers fill the gap between Jaebum’s and he entangles them together.

“Probably die.”

The younger scoffs at that and smacks the older lightly at the shoulder. “But seriously, though. As your friend, I’m asking you to get yourself together. And don’t say I’ll try, I’m not having any of that bull—”

“Alright, enough with the profanity,” Jaebum interrupts but the younger shoots him a glare. “And yes, Jinyoungie, I will get myself together.”

“Good,” Jinyoung says, satisfied, as he tugs Jaebum to walk with him toward the exit. As they approach the door, Jinyoung pulls him by the shoulder and whispers, “And maybe if you start paying attention, you’ll see how Youngjae is head over heels about you too.”

Before Jaebum can shove Jinyoung away for teasing him, the younger has already smacked a kiss on his cheek and bolts for his life. Jaebum would run after Jinyoung and at least give him a big slap across his back or a flying kick but the sight of Youngjae before him, holding two cans of hot chocolate and staring at him, unmoved, stops Jaebum in his track. The expressionless look on the boy’s face made Jaebum somehow feel regretful yet at the same time… hopeful? Jaebum mentally shakes his head; the last thing he needs now it to be enraptured by Jinyoung’s words because there’s no way Youngjae would—

Wait.

Is Youngjae blinking back tears?

“Youngjae—“

Jaebum almost drops the can of hot chocolate when Youngjae shoves one to his chest, avoiding eye contact as the boy steps again to create an uncomfortable distance.

“Can we talk?” Youngjae asks rather quietly and Jaebum’s heart clenches in agony; the last time he heard Youngjae talk quietly like this was when he got upset for screwing up his part during Girls Girls Girls recording.

Jaebum scoots to the side, making way for Youngjae to enter the room he previously used to talk with Jinyoung just now.

“What did you talk about with Jinyoung-hyung here?” the boy asks abruptly after Jaebum shuts the door.

“Nothing important,” Jaebum responses, starting to feel nervous because what if Youngjae actually heard his conversation with Jinyoung? What if he heard that Jaebum has feelings for him?

Youngjae scoffs bitterly. “Of course. Why would you tell me the things you talk about with your boyfriend, right?”

“Excuse me?”

“Jaebum-hyung,” Youngjae finally locks gazes with Jaebum, the faint red lines in his eyes are visible even to Jaebum and the older wants to envelope him in his arms. “What do you think about me?”

And Jaebum halts.

What does he think about Youngjae exactly?

He has feelings for the boy, a fact that Jaebum is very well aware of. And he would be lying if he said he has never thought of kissing him and having him cuddling up to Jaebum and maybe making out with him and touch him in all sorts of ways too, but to see of Youngjae as more than a group member, as a person that he would… date? It would be unthinkable.

Because that would be a dream come true.

However, the surrealism of dreams sometimes terrifies Jaebum so much because then he won’t be able to recognize the distinction between reality and fantasy if he is to be stuck in a stupor. Hence, never has Jaebum thought about Youngjae as something more; he doesn’t want to be intrigued, only to be stabbed by the cold truth of reality.

Jaebum is a coward, indeed. But it’s better to keep him in a safe zone instead of going astray and lose track of himself.

“I love you,” Jaebum starts, and Youngjae’s eyes widen adoringly, “as a brother. As a group member. And as a family.”

Jaebum’s words sting even to Jaebum himself and he can sense anger building up within Youngjae as the boy speaks, “I honestly have no idea of what I should do to make you realize that I love you too.”

What? Did? He? Just? Hear?

Jaebum’s mind is running a hundred miles per second as he tries to recall if Youngjae has ever dropped hints about the statement he just heard.

“But I’m really at a loss here,” Youngjae continues, Jaebum notices tears are starting to flow down the boy’s cheeks and Youngjae wipes his eyes with his forearm. “I don’t know what I should do when at one moment you make me feel like I’m at the top of the world, but at the same time you seem to be glued to Jinyoung-hyung all the time and displaying too much affection that Yugyeom had to run out of the room.”

Jaebum takes a step forward, approaching Youngjae, and when the boy doesn’t flinch away, he takes another one.

“I’ve been convinced that you have feelings for me, Jaebum-hyung, because I’ve been paying attention.”

A sniff and Jaebum takes another step.

“And I’ve been trying to signal my feelings back to you but—“

The crack in Youngjae’s voice breaks Jaebum’s heart and Jaebum wants to beat himself for letting his own thoughts block himself from receiving those signs from Youngjae.

Another step.

“I keep doubting myself because I don’t know if maybe it's just me and if you actually love Jinyoung-hyung.”

Jaebum takes a final step and lifts his hand to touch Youngjae’s face.

“But this sort of gesture,” Youngjae sniffs, pointing to Jaebum’s fingers erasing the tears on his cheeks, and he scoffs out a laugh when the older sneaks his hand to the back of his neck, “is what’s telling me that—“

Youngjae’s lips taste way sweeter than what Jaebum has imagined to be as he closes the gap between them. He can feel more tears trailing down Youngjae’s face when he tilts his head further and presses a deeper kiss, showing his love with his lips because he doesn’t trust himself to use words to show his feelings.

Pink hue is visible across Youngjae’s beautiful face as Jaebum pulls away and he kisses the boy on the nose, earning a chuckle.

“I love you,” Jaebum finishes, his forehead resting against Youngjae’s perfectly like it’s meant to be there.

Youngjae wraps his fingers around Jaebum’s wrists, his thumbs caressing the back of the older’s hand. He need to thank Jinyoung later for going out of his way—and risking himself from getting hit by Jaebum—to wind him up and spark his urge to blurt out his feelings and finally gain confirmation.

But of course, that can wait. Kissing Jaebum and being basked in affection are more important now, obviously.

“That’s all I need to know.”