I’m sitting alone on the sofa where you used to be
I couldn’t sleep a bit, in case you came
I’m just blankly staring at the front door
I try closing my eyes and covering my ears
But the memories come back to me
Will my heart stop if I hold in my breath?
Only my longing for you comes back

 

 

Black.

If I have to define my life. It’s black.

Pitch black.

Since before, and excessively this moment. This moment, where I am alone, body shivering in cold, and all I feel is numbness. This moment, where warm tears endlessly running down my cheeks, as I am choked to breath. This moment, where the one who all over my mind and thought is him, only him.

Him.

Him, who was once brought color to my dull life.

Him, whose smile was more beautiful than the rainbow after the rainy sky.

Him, whose skin was white and round eyes leaving me captivated, all day and night.

Him, whose fingers was electrifying, leaving my skin tingling and craving for more.

Him, whose lips was crimson and slightly chapped, that never once fail to make me intoxicated and breathless.

Him, who was the one, leaving me alone with alcohol in my system and pills shattered on the tiled floor.

Body limping on the sofa where he used to be.

Only him.

 

 

 

**

 

 

I’m alone on the sofa where you used to be
I’m here, waiting for you
So far from my side, you’re so far away
I’m still not over you, only dust remains
As I wait for you

I couldn’t fill it up alone
The longing that spread throughout the room
I couldn’t place it in my heart
Because of that damn hope
Sitting here alone is bigger torture
I try to escape
But I’m looking for you again

 

It was a cold night, the first time I saw him.

And all I saw was red, deep red.

Red as if my heart was on fire, causing the reddish fireworks behind my closed eyelids. And from the red that splattered on the trembling male’s white shirt.

On him.

On his slender fingers.

On his pale neck.

On the corner of his chapped lips.

It was beautiful. He looked beautiful, covered in red. At that moment, I thought red was the most beautiful color ever exist.

No words out from my frozen mouth, I can’t even speak upon saw him. His vulnerable condition make me perplexed, mind empty. He look so scared and desperate. When he came to me and suddenly hiding himself behind my canvas stand, shielding himself from whatever was chasing him, I still can’t speak.

His round, contused eyes looked straight into my puzzled eyes, giving me the pleading look that make my chest hurt for no reason. Even without words, I understood and pushed him further to the corner of the wall and arranged more canvas stands and a few frames in front of him.

My own hands shivered when I put my jacket over the trembling body. His head ducked in between of his knees, thighs close to his chest.

“You’re going to be safe here.”

It come out as whisper, I am not sure if he hear it. But when he brought the jacket more to his body, I knew he felt safe.

With mixed emotions, I resumed my work as a street artist. Hands working delicately on the white canvas, splattering colors on it. How irony.

That night, my heart beating so fast than normal, as if it going to burst out from my ribcage.

As if someone set it on fire.

It was all because of him.

The male behind the piled of canvases.

 

*

 

“I am Jonghyun. Choi Jonghyun.” I managed to speak without stuttering. Eyes trailed to the pale body on the sofa. I brought him to my apartment after I had done with my work. My lips curled upward impulsively when he agreed to followed.

It silence for a moment, saved for the sound of the fan and rains hitting the window pane. My eyes stopped at his face as I dapped a cotton wool into a bottle of anti-septic.

“Yoo Changhyun.” His voice trembling, as he kept thumbing the side of the warm mug in his hand. He hissed when I tend the wound on his stomach. It was a long, deep cut from his torso down to the navel. I recognized it as a puncture wound produced by knife or any sharp objects.

My eyes grew bigger when I saw the back of his body. I felt a sudden rage and anger boiling inside me. His body was full with black and blue bruises.

“Don’t look. It’s ugly.” He whispered. Slow, as if not for me to hear.

“It’s not.”

That was all I managed to say.

You’re not ugly. You’re the most beautiful man I have ever met. Your white milky skin looks glowing in my eyes. Your round eyes is mesmerizing. Your slender fingers feel warm against mine. Your lips looks so red and inviting. And you make my heart goes crazy.

That was all I want to say, but I can’t. It got caught up in my throat, and I don’t know why.

“Stay the night. You can’t walk much at this rate.”

 

*

 

He stayed.

That night and the nights after.

Yoo Changhyun. His life was not beautiful as his name was. I felt grateful the time when he opened up to me and told his story. His life.

He was a victim of domestic abuse by his own father, and his mother whereabouts was unknown because she ran since he still a little kid. He, himself surprised that he still alive even after years been abused. Changhyun’s father was a heavy drinker, every night he came home drunk and mind lost. He would only satisfied after leaving bruises and wounds on Changhyun’s body.

Things got worst and Changhyun decided to ran away from home.

And I am glad.

That he did.

 

**

 

I can’t sleep, all night long
Until the end of time
No matter how much I try emptying you

 

Time passed, and days by days I couldn’t picture myself without Changhyun.

He brought colors to my dull life. And I have never felt alive before.

I got comfortable to the warm body next to mine each morning, waking up to Changhyun’s beautiful face and angelic voice saying ‘good morning’. Or the way Changhyun’s slender fingers fitted perfectly against mine when he dragged me for breakfast. Or the way his chaste kiss burned my cheeks and make the butterflies in my stomach fluttered wildly.

I love the way his body wrapped in cute apron, hands working on the cooking. It hard to control the urge to circle my hands on his waist and bury my head at the crook of his white neck. He was not a good cook, but his simple dishes tasted the best for me.

I got used to the times when we cuddled on the sofa, watching his favourite movie. It was the moment that I love the most. The way his eyes lit up when we were watching action movie or the way he squealed and grab my arm when the scary images of ghost popped up on the screen. Changhyun never failed to amuses me.

It was crazy how someone can come into your life and changed it completely. To a brighter side.

I can’t imagine myself without him.

But life is never fair.

Never was.

And never is.

 

 

***

 

 

I’m alone on the sofa where you used to be
I’m here, waiting for you
So far from my side, you’re so far away
I’m still not over you, only dust remains
As I wait for you

 

Love, it never dies.

People did.

Changhyun did.

Remembering him stabs my heart like someone had ripped through my carefully stitched up world and exposed the infected, pulsing red tissue that I thought was healing.

They said times heal all wounds.

But you all have lied.

Because times would never ease me of my pain, my longing.

I miss him in the weeping of the rain.

I want him at the shrinking of the tide.

I saw him everywhere in this dull apartment, smiling and laughing to me.

My chest hurt.

Excruciatingly.

With trembling hand, I try to hold onto him. But he fade away.

I sobbed.

Hard.

Hard until my body goes numb. And I am choking for air. Mind blank as black start to take over my sight.

And my body gone paler by times.

 

*

 

I heard someone call my name.

Impulsively, I smiles.

Because Changhyun is smiling. His cold fingers grazing my tears stricken cheeks. His face paler than usual but it is glowing, blinding me with his angelic smile. His hair looks soft as cotton candy.

And his eyes beaming so brightly.

He’ here. In front of me. Waiting for me to hold his hand, in which within seconds I did.

Fingers entwined.

Smiles exchanged.

Heart throbbed.

“Let’s go” Changhyun smiles, as he squeezes my palm.

“To our forever.”

My lips curl upward. “Don’t leave me.”

“Never again.”

 

 

 

 

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.

Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

 

 

 

 

FIN.

 

AN: Finally. I am able to post this up. Thought of posting it last week before I went to vacation but nah, life is jealous of me. Hahhahah.

 

It’s an angst and I am keeping it short.

Enjoy ~  Feel free to comment and subscribe.