I'm in control when it come to recording

When it comes to the boys

The kids

When it comes to what happens in dorms

When I say something, I'm in control.

 

So why am I feeling so out of control when a hand wraps around my eyes, another arm pulling me closer to a strangely familiar body. 

 

Why do I feel so out of control when I hear someone gagging on their own blood, when my eyes are covered even as my hands claw to remove them.

 

Why do I feel like I've lost all control when his voice whispers into my ear,

 

"You'll be okay Yoongi-hyung. He was bad. We're good. You're good. So good."

 

Why do I feel like all that I've worked so hard to take pride in was ripped away when the hands were removed and I throw up because of the gruesome sight of the mutilated body.

 

Why do I feel like I don't want control as familiar hands; stained in blood, hug me, telling me the words I needed for so long.

 

"We're in control now baby."

 

Why do I feel so happy when my world goes black, all control I once thought I had gone with the bland colors of the scenery around me.

 

Why do I feel so happy when I wake up surrounded by the same boys I've know for years. Even after I've seen what they've done.

 

Why do I feel so happy when they caress my face, hair, and all over my body. 

 

Why do I suddenly want control back when they are pounding me into the bed.

 

Why do tears cloud my vision as I lie there, again, surrounded by the same boys I've know for years. 

 

Especially knowing what they've done.