The town is like a mafia- no one leaves, and they all stay. Miles, and miles south from Seoul, their neighbourhood looks nothing like the towering skyscrapers and bright lights from the city, and Yoochun loved that part of his hometown. 

In the summer it was both a paradise and a living hell, as one squirmed in the torturing heat as the sun burned your skin, and it was the perfect time to drive to the shore, which was only a few minutes away and jump in. The glimmering, translucent sea all cerulean under the sky and to the kids who lived there – it was their own palace to live, their palace to reign over. 

Yoochun loved it here, especially with lazy mornings when all he’d do is chase his friends in his father’s field and then they’d collapse in the middle of it as they all scrawled their bodies against the overgrown weeds and trampled daisies, and be happy. 

Most of the kids his age, like Jaejoong and Donghae, optimistically hoped they’d find a way out of this town, although they knew it was close to impossible, but he accepted it with every fibre of his being; it was part of his own existence. As much as college seemed like the quickest way to get out of here, he would rather stay behind with his father, sitting on the tractor with the loud buzzing of the tractor in his ears and the blobbed stains of mud on his forest green rubber boots. 

His mother always joked that it was his lack of ambition, lack of wanting something better in his life out of his natural laziness, but it seemed like Sooyeon had it all while he had none. Sooyeon was an enigma to him, even after years of sneaking past midnight, sharing notes from each other’s bedroom window, as their rooms faced one another’s, before she’d quickly shut her blinds when her older brother Yunho would catch them in the middle of a full-blown exchange of information, but he loved it about her. 

She was full of energy and full of life in her own ways, and never stopped hoping and pushing towards her dreams. Her dream was to get out of here and break all the ties she had in their small neighbourhood and be free to see all the things the world has set out for her to see. 

      “Don’t you get sick of seeing the same people all the time? The same places? Living in this restricted routine and nothing else for our entire lives?” She asks when she’s fourteen and he’s fifteen, sitting in a field a few miles away, just in front of their parked bikes as they picked blades of grass and putting daisies between the braids of her hair. 

      “I mean, it does get pretty uninteresting if you really think about it, but I like it. I don’t really know why, but I just do. I love the simplicity and serenity of it all. Makes things seem a lot simpler than how complicated it really is. Do you not like it here?” Yoochun shrugs casually, not really sure where he stood about it. 

Sooyeon looks at him skeptically, as he felt her stares even if he wasn’t directly looking back, yet when he finally did, she averted her eyes from him. She takes a crumpled piece of a map in her cream sweater’s pocket, and quickly fists it into a ball before swiftly putting it in back.
“I’ll be completely honest with you, oppa- I really just want to get out of this place. I don’t want to be here- Wait, let me rephrase that-  I do like this place, but I want to see other places out there too. I want to see France, Italy, Germany, South Africa, Mexico, Colombia, and Cambodia- just everywhere. The quicker I get to leave, the happier I’ll be. Yet at the same time, it means I’ll have to leave all of you, and I don’t know what to do about that.” She chattered passionately, as he distractedly noticed how her hair fell on her shoulders and how the sun made him see more colours in her eyes than usual, yet felt a pang of loneliness in his heart knowing that she wanted to leave the very thing he loved the most, other than her. 

Even after years of playing hide and seek behind the giant oak trees and climbing up to her roof in the middle of the night to see the sky and how beautiful it was up close and when it was completely free of any distraction, he felt like he never really knew her.
 

In the middle of the night, with the sky empty with darkness, yet shimmering with the millions of dots scattered bright and blinking brightly at him, Yoochun peeked out between his blinds, nearly flinching from the sudden influx of light, but at the same time admiring it patiently with his own eyes to fully take it in. 

He usually expected to secretly talk with Sooyeon at this time, even if it was in the middle of the night and way past her bedtime, they knew as long as they were careful and no one knew about it (maybe except Yunho), then they were all good to go. 

It was already 11:03 pm, as it showed on his electric clock by his bedside, and it was nearly an hour past their supposed time to secretly talk through flashing pieces of paper at each other, and she usually never missed this, even if she had a tendency to be late with everything else. 

      “Why weren’t you at the park yesterday? Just because you weren’t there, Yoona had to pester me while you were gone.” He aggressively scribbled on the back of his sister’s doodles of kittens and lions, and quickly flashed it against his bedroom window as she opened her blinds. 

      “Sorry, I went to the shore yesterday, and it took me quite a long time to get back.” Sooyeon replied on another piece of paper, a pastel pink shade with her neat, legible handwriting, unlike his own. Even when it was dark outside, her lights were still on and he saw that she was a lot more tan than she last was when he last saw her. 

He raised his eyebrow suspiciously, as he doesn’t remember her mentioning anything about driving towards the shore, and that she wasn’t even the type who enjoyed her time by the open sea. “To the shore? With whom? I thought you didn’t like the shore.” Yoochun wrote, snatching a piece of lined paper between the books on his shelf and held it up again for her to see, with an annoyed expression plastered on his face. 

She laughed heartily, even if he couldn’t physically hear her laugh, his heart remembers how she laughed whenever they were alone together and it broke his heart thinking someone probably made her laugh like that, and it wasn’t him. He was right.

“Jaejoong invited me to drive to the shore that same day, and I just accepted. We came home after the sun set, and it looked so good there. You should come too.” Her cheeks reddened while she jotted down her note, and a bright grin was plastered on her face. 

Kim Jaejoong was Yoochun’s best friend, of course, as much as he had many friends, this bunch was special including Jung Yunho, her older brother, Shim Changmin and Kim Junsu. He wanted to convince himself to be shocked or surprised, yet a part of him always believed this was going to happen anyway.  

He felt like crying, as the bile formed in his throat and he bit his lip to resist from the tears to fall down from his eyes, but instead he forced a smile as he responded with his last note for the night. “Sure. I’ll come the next time you’ll go.”
 

That was the last time they’d exchanged notes like that, as ever since it seemed like Sooyeon never opened her blinds through her room like that anymore, just like that, like it never happened. The morning before that, as they sat in his father’s field, with her head lazily lying on his lap while he read  a worn out copy of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, he assumed that things would just go on like usual, but she disagreed. 

      “So same time at ten?” Yoochun reassured, not looking away from his book as he read fixated and attention undivided from the classic book in his hands, as his back rested against the oak tree’s trunk and the leaves of the dried out leaves brushing on his shoulders. 

      “Yeah, at ten. –But not through our windows. Meet me on the rooftop. My rooftop.” She sat up from his lap, supporting herself to sit up with her shoulders and closing her eyes as she took in the glare of the sun that filtered between the leaves and branches of the oak tree. Their rooftop, he nearly muttered out, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t in the position to do so. He never was.
 

He fulfilled his promise, sneaking out of his house furtively with quiet footsteps and agile movements as his family all seemed fast asleep and he made his way to cross over the fences towards Sooyeon’s backyard and then climbing up the rusty metal ladder towards their roof.

The last thing he expected was for her to show up on time, but she was already there, patiently waiting for him as if she had all the time in the world with her chin resting on the palm of her hands as she wistfully looked up towards the sky. 

“What a surprise – Park Yoochun being late.” She blurts out at him as soon as she caught him by the corner of her eye, and crosses her arms at him. He points his tongue at her jokingly, before they chuckle while he sits right beside her. 

“Try sneaking out of my household, and be on time at the same time- and we’ll see who wins. “Yoochun replies, and for a few seconds, they stay silent, with no word exchanged but just sat there, looking up at the sky. 

He was starting to feel cold, underdressed in just a sweater on top of his tank top and a pair of flip flops with his sweat pants, and the cold breeze seeping into his skin and forming goosebumps on his flesh, rubbing his hands over his shoulders and shivering on her concrete roof. 

Without a word, Sooyeon pulls a blanket from her other side, and to Yoochun, it looks like she pulled it out of the nowhere that is the darkness and sets aside a pillow beside hers before she lies down on the pillow like she’s about to sleep, yet this time she’s looking up at the stars. 

“How convenient of you to bring your entire bedroom up here. I wouldn’t be surprised if you brought up your mattress and a few snacks up here too.” He snickers as he relaxes on the cotton pillow and snuggles against the wool blanket, turning sideways to face her. 

“Annoy me one more time and I’m not sharing any of my popcorn with you.” She threatens him with a nonchalant expression, before she finally gives in and hands him over a bag of half eaten popcorn. 

He quietly munches on the caramel and cheese popcorn from the bag, looking up at the sky and noticing that some stars have appeared now that he has never seen before, and in awe at how from the ground below you wouldn’t even blink to see some of them but up here – it was all bared and obvious like they were right next to you. 

“So, - What’s next for you? You’re graduating in a few months and you haven’t even talked about where you’re going next- Wait- Are you really going to stay here to be a farmer?”  Sooyeon asks him curiously, brushing her tangled locks between her fingers and putting together a fancy lace braid, but stops midway as she starts worrying about his lack of looking forward to things. 

And just like Yoochun would do, he shrugs carelessly. “I don’t really know – At the same time, I’m open to whatever’s going to happen to me next. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve applied to a few universities, a few locally and one of them in Seoul, but as long as I get accepted by any and get to go to university, I’m set. There’s no need to go abroad or anything for me to be satisfied, to get to go is enough for me.” He spoke, resting the back of his hand against his forehead, resisting the temptation to fall asleep under the spell of the peace and quiet from up here. 

She fights to her displeasure from a face of disgust and disappointment, but he knows she’d react that way anyway, and he couldn’t do anything about. “You’re smart enough to get into a good university anywhere, oppa- but you’re settling for the local university here? I hope you’re joking-“ He wasn’t. 

They lie in silence, ignoring the throbbing pain of the bare cement on their bones and the freezing chill of the summer night breeze, and Sooyeon snuggles up against his shoulder. Without a second thought, he circles an arm around his shoulder and rests his nose on the crook her neck, breathing a tired sigh. 

He wishes things could just always be like this, but remembering that high school’s ending for him and it’s suddenly now time to grow up, he’s afraid this’ll be the last. He loves how comfortable she is under his touch, a smile on her face as the moon lit under her eyes and he saw how her eyelashes were so long and delicate on her sweet face, yet he hated how he never gathered the courage to tell her.

“Jaejoong invited me to drive to the shore that same day, and I just accepted. We came home after the sun set, and it looked so good there. You should come too.” Her cheeks reddened while she jotted down her note, and a bright grin was plastered on her face. 

Kim Jaejoong was Yoochun’s best friend, of course, as much as he had many friends, this bunch was special including Jung Yunho, her older brother, Shim Changmin and Kim Junsu. He wanted to convince himself to be shocked or surprised, yet a part of him always believed this was going to happen anyway.  

He felt like crying, as the bile formed in his throat and he bit his lip to resist from the tears to fall down from his eyes, but instead he forced a smile as he responded with his last note for the night. “Sure. I’ll come the next time you’ll go.”

That was the last time they’d exchanged notes like that, as ever since it seemed like Sooyeon never opened her blinds through her room like that anymore, just like that, like it never happened. The morning before that, as they sat in his father’s field, with her head lazily lying on his lap while he read  a worn out copy of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, he assumed that things would just go on like usual, but she disagreed. 

      “So same time at ten?” Yoochun reassured, not looking away from his book as he read fixated and attention undivided from the classic book in his hands, as his back rested against the oak tree’s trunk and the leaves of the dried out leaves brushing on his shoulders. 

      “Yeah, at ten. –But not through our windows. Meet me on the rooftop. My rooftop.” She sat up from his lap, supporting herself to sit up with her shoulders and closing her eyes as she took in the glare of the sun that filtered between the leaves and branches of the oak tree. Their rooftop, he nearly muttered out, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t in the position to do so. He never was.
 

He fulfilled his promise, sneaking out of his house furtively with quiet footsteps and agile movements as his family all seemed fast asleep and he made his way to cross over the fences towards Sooyeon’s backyard and then climbing up the rusty metal ladder towards their roof. 

The last thing he expected was for her to show up on time, but she was already there, patiently waiting for him as if she had all the time in the world with her chin resting on the palm of her hands as she wistfully looked up towards the sky. 

“What a surprise – Park Yoochun being late.” She blurts out at him as soon as she caught him in the corner of her eye, and crosses her arms at him. He points his tongue at her jokingly, before they chuckle while he sits right beside her. 

“Try sneaking out of my household, and be on time at the same time- and we’ll see who wins. “Yoochun replies, and for a few seconds, they stay silent, with no word exchanged, but just sat there, looking up at the sky. 

He was starting to feel cold, underdressed in just a sweater on top of his tank top and a pair of flip flops with his sweat pants, and the cold breeze seeping into his skin and forming goose bumps on his flesh, rubbing his hands over his shoulders and shivering on her concrete roof. 

Without a word, Sooyeon pulls a blanket from her other side, and to Yoochun, it looks like she pulled it out of the nowhere that is the darkness and sets aside a pillow beside her before she lays down on the pillow like she’s about to sleep, yet this time she’s looking up at the stars. 

“How convenient of you to bring your entire bedroom up here. I wouldn’t be surprised if you brought up your mattress and a few snacks up here too.” He snickers as he relaxes on the cotton pillow and snuggles against the wool blanket, turning sideways to face her. 

“Annoy me one more time and I’m not sharing any of my popcorn with you.” She threatens him with a nonchalant expression, before she finally gives in and hands him over a bag of half eaten popcorn. 

He quietly munches on the caramel and cheese popcorn from the bag, looking up at the sky and noticing that some stars have appeared now that he has never seen before, and in awe at how from the ground below you wouldn’t even blink to see some of them put up here – it was all bared and obvious like they were right next to you. 

“So, - What’s next for you? You’re graduating in a few months and you haven’t even talked about where you’re going next- Wait- Are you really going to stay here to be a farmer?”  Sooyeon asks him curiously, brushing her tangled locks between her fingers and putting together a fancy lace braid, but stops midway as she starts worrying about his lack of looking forward to things. 

And just like Yoochun would do, he shrugs carelessly. “I don’t really know – At the same time, I’m open to whatever’s going to happen to me next. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve applied to a few universities, a few locally and one of them in Seoul, but as long as I get accepted by any and get to go to university, I’m set. There’s no need to go abroad or anything for me to be satisfied, to get to go is enough for me.” He spoke, resting the back of his hand against his forehead, resisting the temptation to fall asleep under the spell of the peace and quiet from up here. 

She fights to her displeasure from a face of disgust and disappointment, but he knows she’d react that way anyway, and he couldn’t do anything about. “You’re smart enough to get into a good university anywhere, oppa- but you’re settling for the local university here? I hope you’re joking-“ He wasn’t. 

They lay in silence, ignoring the throbbing pain of the bare cement on their bones and the freezing chill of the summer night breeze, and Sooyeon snuggles up against his shoulder. Without a second thought, he circles an arm around his shoulder and rests his nose on the crook her neck, breathing a tired sigh. 

He wishes things could just always be like this, but remembering that high school’s ending for him and it’s suddenly now time to grow up, he’s afraid this’ll be the last. He loves how comfortable she is under his touch, a smile on her face as the moon lit under her eyes and he saw how her eyelashes were so long and delicate on her sweet face, yet he hated how he never gathered the courage to tell her. 

Yoochun knew that to stay up this late and to face the consequences of being caught for the both of them is extremely dangerous, but maybe a few more minutes, a few more moments won’t hurt. He gently taps her on the shoulder to signal that he was getting up, yet as she lifts her head from his arm- her lips fly over his and he doesn’t refuse or stay still, he gives in. 

As he deepens the kiss, she puts her fingers around his neck and he rests his hands on her waist, feeling the fabric of her cotton floral sweater between his fingers and he feels so bliss that it felt criminal to him. He breaks the kiss and walks away, refusing to look at her after what they’ve done

For the following months after that, they don’t ignore each other like they expected they would, but it was never the same after. They still talk, during lunch and between classes, exchanging a few laughs and inside jokes, yet their conversations were never lengthy or teasing like they used to be, and not a word was mentioned about it. 

They still walked home their usual route, sometimes even picking apples from Changmin’s grandmother’s yard in her garden and then panting out of breath after they’d run miles and miles after she’d chase them out, even if they knew they could easily outrun her just by walking. 

Gradually however, their walks by their long time short cut and stopping by the oak tree in his father’s farm became less frequent, and it was only then where he felt like he really lost her. He really lost the spark they had, or worse, never had to start with. 

      “Jaejoong’s my boyfriend now, and I’m very happy.” She tells him while he was at their house to play soccer with Junsu and Yunho at the Jung’s open field backyard, and he can feel his smile fading at that very moment. 

      “I’m- I’m very happy for you and Jaejoong-hyung, Sica. The moment he breaks your heart, you know your brother wouldn’t be the only one who’d help you pick up the broken pieces, I’ll be there too.” He tells her jokingly as he messes up her hair affectionately, even if he meant every word he said. He really did. He meant it. 
 

Fast forward a few weeks later, and it’s graduation day already. Most of his group of friends that aren’t his grade are here too, including Cho Kyuhyun, Shim Changmin and Lee Taemin who are all younger than him at varying years, but he still worried she wouldn’t be here to see him off. 
What a fool of him to not think she’d come anyway- her older brother Yunho was graduating at the top of his class, and for her not to appear would be nothing of her typical nature. She was there at the ceremony, in a teal knee-length dress made of crepe and lace, with her hair pulled back in the same braid she was tangling on the roof and she looked so beautiful that he was stunned. 

“Congratulations oppa! I’m so proud that you’ve made it this far and now you’re moving up to bigger and better things.” Sooyeon ran up enthusiastically to him in a hug, and he hugs her back feeling the lace of her shoulder sleeved dress and it’s just then where it strikes him that this is real. This is it. 

      “Thank you, Sooyeon-ah. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it.” Pfft- who was he kidding. He was a smart, intelligent and well-rounded student who was only second to her older brother in the class rankings, and had been accepted into Sungkyunkwan University in Seoul with half of his tuition paid for by a scholarship, yet that fear still existed within him, and it never left him. 

She punches him lightly on the shoulder, and he feigns a shock of pain like he’s getting shot, and her laughter erupts in the crowded room in the school lobby as the graduation ceremony continued. The cherry blossoms outside the hall fell with such grace and beauty, and they both stared at it in peaceful silence. 

Jaejoong jumps in to land a gentle kiss on Sooyeon’s cheek, and she laughs again, as her boyfriend shows affection towards her lovingly. Yoochun knows it’s wrong to be jealous; this is his best friend’s girlfriend and it’s off limits, but a part of him thinks it’s right, as he was there first. 

      “I can’t believe it’s time for us to leave now. I was afraid we never would leave.” Jaejoong jokes and everyone laughs at this, even Yoochun, as they were ecstatic that it was time for them to move on and forget about the past for greater things, but Yoochun had second thoughts. Was he ready to leave this town? Or was he ready to leave her?
 

He could’ve decided to go as far as California or Brussels with his applications and they’ve all accepted him, but it sored him to think of leaving home and being so far away from town, far away from her. 

Yoochun left for Seoul in the last two weeks of the summer, while the sun still shone long and high up the sky, the leaves still crisp on the ground and the fruits still fresh to be picked in the bushes in his farm. At the bus terminal, he is instead hit with an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to let go, and the sadness of not seeing his family for a while. 

      “I promised mom, I wasn’t going to cry, but because I’m not going to see your ugly face for a while, you’re making me cry! “Yoona chuckles lightheartedly at him, her eyes wet with tears as she wiped her eyes before embracing him in a deep hug. 

      “You never were good with fulfilling promises anyway, but I’m going to see you soon! Okay?” He chides, even if he was crying himself, and set his hands on her shoulders to make sure he understood what he said, and she did. 

      “Okay.” 

The bus is coming into sight, and all the boys are getting ready with their luggage in hand all with hopeful dreams and ambitions as their families waved them goodbye with proud smiles and soaked cheeks. 

That was always so clear to him, a picture he could paint in detail from his memory, yet the rusty gold ring on Sooyeon’s forefinger always seemed like a vague, blurry figure in a clear photograph to him.
 

At his time in Seoul, he meets Hwang Miyoung or Tiffany as she preferred to be called, and she was his first girlfriend. She was pretty, charming, with a bright smile that crunched up her eyes and showed off her straight, pearl white teeth. 

They meet in his English class, having sit behind her and watching her raise her hand for every question, clearly being the best student in the class. She always wore different variations of a pink sweater, always in that colour, and a coffee mug in hand. 

He never really talked to her, until they were assigned to work on a presentation together, and meeting up at his dorm every Thursday or whenever he had a spare block to get it finished in time. 

      “You’re really good at this you know – If I felt really lazy, I would’ve let you do all the work and we’d get perfect on this.” Yoochun chattered at her while he glued on pieces of cut out coloured paper on a plain white poster board, and she laughed at him sardonically. 

      “Really lazy? If that’s really lazy then what do you call yourself now?” Miyoung barked back at him, before sticking her tongue out at him and pressing ‘print’ on her laptop screen and walking over to his brand new printer pick it up.

They finish their presentation late at night at two am, gluing paragraphs and lines of analysis of The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy on the preface of thicker, construction paper a few inches wider and longer than their white pieces of paper on it. 

He must’ve had a drink or two, and a few hours may have passed, until she stands close him, intending to give the poster a final look for any errors, before blurting out something suddenly at him without warning. “I like you, Park Yoochun-“ and that’s all it takes for him to start kissing her. 

It doesn’t go past too far, more than love-struck grins and flushed, pinkish cheeks, as he holds on to her hand delicately after they kiss, sweetly and gently, like he’s afraid he’ll hurt her if he holds on tighter. 

      “I like you too, Hwang Miyoung. I’ll see you by the coffee shop by your dorm after class, tomorrow?” She nods with a smile stuck on her face, and leans forward to give him a final kiss before fading out and leaving his dorm to get back to her place in time before her dorm mates start suspecting anything. 

He enjoys the bliss and adrenaline of the moment and the present, but sometimes he forgets he has a fear of commitment and getting too attached to anything he knows won’t last forever, yet he ignores it. Like everything else.
 

They go on a few dates around the campus, holding hands by the Han River even if they were shivering and underdressed in just sweaters and jeans while it was raining, and sharing pieces of overpriced bagels and croissants at the local bakery, but that’s all that ever was. 

They don’t even last longer than over a hundred days, but it’s bittersweet really – with no malice, envy or acrimony, but it’s just the sound of comforting silence and the loud sound of loose tied yet tightly stretched strings breaking. 

      “I- I don’t think we’ve really worked out, oppa- We might be better off as friends-“ She confesses to him casually in front of her dorm building, sitting by the marble footsteps with Frappuccinos with too much caffeine in them. 

He doesn’t even feel regret or sorry about the time they’ve wasted or spent together, but he accepts it, just like that. 
      “We’ve always been better off as friends-“ And they stayed friends, even after that. 

In less than a month, he sees her walking out of the business department campus alongside a man named Choi Siwon, looking at him with a spark in her eyes and an aura of joy he’s never seen from her before, and he’s finally relieved that she’s settled for someone who’s right for her. And it’s not him.
 

His presumptions were right, and Jaejoong was coming home for the winter break to marry Sooyeon at the first snowfall at their hometown. And he was invited. 

      “Yoochun-ah, Sooyeon and I are getting married- and you’re going to be my best man! She calls me telling that the first snow fall is going to be next Monday.” Jaejoong yells at him with his cell phone in hand, excitedly standing by the doorframe of their shared dorm as Yoochun worked on his essay at the coffee table in the dining room. 

It’s over- all his chances are gone, and he’s close to giving up- so close. It’s definitely time for him to move on. 
      “Congrats, hyung! Make sure Heechul-hyung won’t be jealous he’s not the best man, or he’s going to hold that grudge forever.” Heechul is Jaejoong’s older brother, who left to enroll in a prestigious university in Beijing, and he hasn’t come home since, which is why Jaejoong never talks about him. 

      “I’m sure he won’t mind, Yoochun-ah.” Jaejoong answers tightly, suddenly reserved and quiet, and Yoochun feels guilty he’s committed another mistake, but it wasn’t his first. 

He makes the mistake of coming home with him and Yunho during the winter holidays and attending the wedding.
 

There is no wedding; there is no bride, but only a broken hearted groom, and a bewildered, devastated family. 

It was all set, Jaejoong’s suit had been neatly pressed and Sooyeon’s dress was personally hand sewn by her grandmother for the event as the entire clan gathered to witness the two families gather in matrimony, but Sooyeon was nowhere to be seen.

She left a note by his bedroom’s bedside, including one for her family and Yoochun’s bedside, all alike and no different from one another, yet Yoochun couldn’t help but feel as a sense of relief, and it conflicted him to betray his own best friend like this. 

     “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t do it. Jaejoong I love you with all my heart, but I don’t think we’re meant to be like this. Maybe in another time or life, but no – I’m not good enough for you, and I’m not meant for you. I know all of you are angry by my disappearance, but this is for the best, I promise. I’m in a much better place right now, and I promise I’ll come back when the time is right. Forgive me for what I’ve done. – Sooyeon”

Jaejoong was a wreck for the entirety of his winter break, locking himself in his room and not opening up to anyone. Even Heechul flew in after hearing how devastated his younger brother was, yet he was only responding to with yelling about how he only came in knowing the wedding was cancelled, and made no action to the wedding invitation assuming it was going to pass through. Heechul couldn’t look at his brother the same way again. 

Everyone has tried to talk to him and convince him that she’s coming back, but he couldn’t believe it and just accepted it outright that she wasn’t coming back. Even Yunho couldn’t convince him, and he wondered if his sister was really the person he thought she was and if he could still trust her
. 
After his period of isolation, however, Jaejoong was as good as new, all relaxed and full of smiles, as if Sooyeon running away with cold feet never happened, and he stood tall and proud as usual. Yoochun wondered how long it would take for him to break down.

Yoochun made sure to come home every holiday or break that he had free time to come home for, but Jaejoong never did. He never came back.

Four years later, and Yoochun’s years at university are now reaching its end. He came home during the last summer before he lives permanently in Seoul to start his internship for the biggest newspaper in the country. 

He comes home, and most of his younger colleagues who were now in their third or second years in university were nowhere to be seen, now all too busy with their new lives and living on their own. Yoona is in Seoul as well, at an all- women’s university she’s been saving up to go to since she was a little girl, and for the first time, he feels how big of a presence she had in their household. 

His parents embrace him with tight, longing hugs and cover him with quick pecks from his mother, as he feigns wiping them off his face, but secretly enjoying being showered with love from his parents again. Seoul was a tad bit too complicated for him, but this was just right. It was home. 

      “I have something to give to you, Yoochun-ah.” His father sets him outside, away from earshot from his mother who was busy stirring pork stew and they were standing by an overstuffed mailbox, with cards and letters sticking out of its metal flap. 

      “Who are they from?” He asks suspiciously, not expecting any mail from someone, or knowing anyone in Seoul who has his postal code.
A pile of folded postcards and sealed envelopes are handed in his hands carefully by his father, who gives him a knowing, distant look. “They’re from Sooyeon.”
 

They’re a combination of letters in white, office envelopes now with marks of rust and soaked in the rain, and postcards from various cities like London, Milan and Athens from someone named “Jessica Jung”, and he wonders if they’re all just letters sent to the wrong destination. 

The postcards and letters have been sent from a long sequence of dates and years even, which after arranging them in order from the beginning of his second year in university , it all started with a letter from New York, and it was the first letter in which she addressed herself and who she really was. 

“Jung Sooyeon is no more- I go by Jessica Jung now, and that’s my stage and legal name now too.” She clarifies, after lines and lines of constant apologies of not to tell Jaejoong and that “Yunho knows everything. He does.”

She tells him that she’s working at a fashion company now, after having worked up in New York as an intern at a famous fashion magazine and moving up as she caught the attention of higher ups like Anna Wintour and Karl Lagerfeld. 

Jessica now started her own line under the Chanel brand and the supervision of Lagerfeld, and moved to San Francisco to focus on it, which explains the postcard from San Francisco, that was dated nearly two months after the New York letter.

The San Francisco postcard was a printed photo of the Golden Gate Bridge, the previously clear image now sticking to his fingers after being soaked in a sodden, rust-covered mailbox for years and its colour slowly fading, like his memory of her. 

Behind it wrote, “I wish you were here with me. You would’ve loved it here.” In the same scribbly writing like the notes they exchanged by each other’s windows, and he surreptitiously kept the note between his school planner.
 

The next postcard after that was from London, in which she explained at the back of the card was where she was personally invited to sit front row at a Gucci fashion show for the first time, and was gladly ecstatic of such an opportunity. 

      “Loved the rainy weather and the comfort the cold brought when I felt alone. Hope you’re doing fine.” She wrote behind a card that flashed brightly at him“WELCOME TO LONDON” in the middle of an image of the London Eye, red phone booths and navy double decker buses against the background of the Union Jack. 

She had a lot more postcards from Milan, Moscow, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Seattle, Madrid, and Cape Town that built up over the years, and he wondered why his father brought him out so stealthily and clandestinely like he never wanted anyone to see. His mother probably would have just thrown them out without a second thought.
 

He was coming back to Seoul, sitting on the bus with the letter he planned to send to her in response to all she’s sent him over the years, but once he gets to the mailbox just outside his new apartment, he rips it apart and throws it away. 

Instead, he gets a postcard from Seoul, writes on the back of it quickly, yet meaningfully, knowing that if it was really her, she’d understand what he’s trying to say. “I love it here. I wish you’d be here with me.”
 

It’s been months and she hasn’t responded with anything. A part of him still hopes there’s still a last chance she’s out there and willing to reconnect with her past, but so many things have changed and it’s too much to change the status quo. 

But right when he’s about to give up, she shows up by his doorstep, with dyed blond hair elegantly curled up to her back in a seafoam coat, skinny washed out jeans, a floral top, and brown ankle boots that probably cost more than his monthly salary, but it was her. 

She grew up for sure, and got even prettier, more beautiful, but she hasn’t given up on him yet. 

      “It was you. Marrying Jaejoong would have just been a mistake, and that means I’d probably lose out of seeing the rest of the world. I just wished I travelled with you from the beginning.” 

If only she’d asked, because he was willing to travel around the world with her. Even if it meant leaving home, because it was only home if he was with her.