tell me (it's okay)
three's a crowd
Happy happy birthday to my number Wan: Windy Song Seung#1!
Please give love to this all-too-deserving precious cinnamon roll :')
Also: a special mention to a dear friend who told me to post this tomorrow instead but I can't wait and what else is the edit button for, anyway?
i.
That’s manifestly true and can occur almost unconsciously.
"Do you have to go?"
Small hands clutch tightly at each other — one as soft as snow and the other warmer than the summer sun. The Son household is quiet, devoid of the two little girls who regularly disturb the peace with their joyous laughter.
The family's youngest is on her way to the other side of the world. Without her best friend.
(And fair enough, without the rest of her family too. Seungwan’s just that brave.)
"I'll come back.” Seungwan smiles, squeezing her hand with finality. "I promise."
Seulgi doesn’t say anything as she sniffs and attempts to dry her eyes. Mr Son comes to tell them that it’s time to go, and leads Seungwan into the car without another word. Seulgi can only watch her leave as Mrs Son pats her head and takes her back home, just as she promised her parents a while before. Seulgi stays silent for hours after that; hours after Seungwan’s flight leaves for Canada.
She goes to sleep that night with her best friend’s words held close to her heart, along with the handmade, velvet-lined charm bracelet that the shorter girl had gifted her.
That's the last time she sees Seungwan.
ii.
At times it was intricate, but more often it was simple.
The first time she meets Soojung is at the local park, a couple blocks away from her house. Apparently she's new around the neighbourhood — a girl from someplace in the U.S.A — but all Seulgi knows is that she's pretty. And scary.
She approaches her anyway.
“Hi, I’m Seulgi!” is how she starts off, nice and chipper.
“Mom said I shouldn't talk to strangers,” is how Soojung responds, quiet and subdued, and Seulgi blinks once before grinning.
"Then let's be friends."
Soojung stares. Seulgi feels her smile droop a little.
“…You don't want to?"
“No —" Soojung stumbles over her words, gulps nervously when the smile falters even more. "No, I don't not want to be friends."
Seulgi’s face lights up again, and the other girl blushes. “So that's a yes?"
She nods, holds her hand out to shake Seulgi's. “I’m Chrystal. But Mom said it’s easier for people to call me Soojung, so —“ she pauses, rewinds, ducks her head shyly. “You can just call me Soojung."
When she looks up again, she manages to flash Seulgi a small smile. It's shy, awkward — echoing Seungwan and yet not, at the same time.
Seulgi decides she likes her.
iii.
Do you know who made this?
Soojung takes a moment to appraise the velvet bracelet, even though Seulgi’s already caught her staring at it too many times to count. When the taller girl eventually shakes her head at the item, Seulgi takes a deep breath and begins telling her about Seungwan.
It’s when Soojung looks at her afterwards and offers her a tentative smile — like something between a Thank you for sharing this and an I’m here if you need me — that Seulgi starts noticing it.
(And it's a part of her now; something that never really existed until Soojung came along to settle in beside the Seungwan-sized gap that still aches, even when they've stopped corresponding.
All Seulgi remembers now is 'Wendy Shon' and music lessons, English tutors and cold weather, and Seulgi, I miss you and I wish you were here with me —)
Sometimes Seulgi finds herself thinking too much about it, about Seungwan. And sometimes Soojung flashes her one of those smiles — ones that are really just as shy as they are beautiful, and slow to form. Kind of like watching a flower bloom.
They're special; the slow smiles. Soojung only smiles like that at her.
She loves it.
iv.
It got me mixed up.
Spring arrives without fanfare in Canada, and Seungwan (Wendy, it’s Wendy Shon now—) stretches her limbs for all of ten seconds before settling back in her chair to continue typing.
She has a pen friend called Chrystal now, because apparently her private tutor thought it would be a good idea to set her up with an activity that involved both English and Hangul. Miss Hwang claims it works in the long run, and provides for a 'better interactive learning curve'.
And their first task — twenty questions. About anything.
(Seungwan remembers playing twenty questions with a girl and an eyesmile that could rival Miss Hwang’s.)
Wendy sighs roughly, and types the first thing that comes to mind.
Have you ever fallen in love with your best friend?
The caret blinks mockingly at her for a single, long moment before she hits backspace.
Then she spots an old, unsent letter hidden beneath the monitor. Her father still somehow manages the mail she has going in and out, and she still doesn’t know if Seulgi’s managed to access a computer yet. Until then, it’s radio silence.
(Until then, Canada feels too cold, and Seungwan wonders if it’s too late to go home.)
v.
It’s clear as mud.
Ironically enough, the day Seulgi is reunited with Seungwan is the day Soojung tells her that she might have a crush on someone.
(Someone that’s not Seulgi.)
They’re seventeen and living in a homophobic society, and while Seulgi’s probably known since the time she caught Soojung checking Jinri out in gym class, Soojung was only brave enough to tell her just last summer.
(Seulgi feels like she should tell Soojung too, because she’s sick of pretending she’s only interested in the opposite when she would marry Beyoncé in a heartbeat, or dream about playing house with Seungwan for real, or drop everything just for Soojung.)
When she does tell Seulgi about this new crush, Soojung hesitates. Seulgi wishes she didn’t have to, so she smiles encouragingly at her over the table and continues to spin her pencil.
It does the trick, because the tension falls out of Soojung’s shoulders like twin weights of apprehension. The slightly older one takes a breath, feels the weights roll over to her before settling on top of her heart.
“She’s in my music class this year, just transferred.” A pause, and a small smile. "Her name's Wendy."
The pencil drops to the floor.
vi.
That’s when you can't control where your heart goes.
"You stopped replying."
The wind is as quiet as it was the day Seungwan left, except now it's more biting, more cold than she remembers.
"I'm sorry,” she says, and she is. She would do anything for Seulgi's forgiveness, but she’s not sure that’s what Seulgi wants from her. Honestly, she doesn’t know what Seulgi wants, and compared to the way they used to read each other so easily —
(It hurts to admit it.)
Even then, the lies tumble out in place of the tears that refuse to fall from her eyes. "I was just so caught up with studying and work and —“ Dad wouldn’t let me talk to you and I didn’t know how else to contact you, and God, I should have come home to you sooner.
"You're here now."
Seungwan exhales; doesn't miss the question in Seulgi's voice, the hope in her eyes. "Yeah. I am."
Seulgi flashes her a smile at that, and it's not as warm as it used to be, but it's something. She walks her back to her house that evening, their hands brushing together carefully.
They’re not like how they were before, but it’s okay. They might just be okay.
vii.
I’m a little girl.
For all her renowned slowness, Seulgi figures it out first.
Because there’s no push and pull, no one side fighting over the other for prevalence in her mind. It’s just a muddle of emotions stuck like a buoy in a sea of thoughts, floating between Seungwan, Soojung, Seungwan, Soojung.
(Nowadays it's like a mantra, and she's pretty sure she’s going crazy.)
And in the end, that's all it comes down to. Seungwan. Soojung. Seungwan. Soojung. Seu —
“Seulgi?"
She's been thinking too much again, because now they're staring at her with twin looks of bemusement. Between Soojung’s crush on Seungwan and the inevitability of Seungwan reclaiming her place in Seulgi's life, Seulgi wonders when the two became so attuned to each other. Maybe it was the fact that their tastes were so similar, from music to hobbies to politics, as well as the fact that the two could launch into English conversations on a whim, like some sort of secret language.
Seulgi doesn’t quite know what to make of it, so she blinks away her daze, laughs off their teasing, and keeps the revelation safe in the back of her mind.
There's no good that would come of it, anyway.
viii.
I cannot explain what is happening to me.
They fall into an unspoken dynamic when someone else almost enters the equation. Key word — almost.
Kim Jongin interrupts one of their after-school hangouts — the ones where the three of them have the music room to themselves, just to talk and dance and play and sing. He’s looking for Seulgi, but she’s in the middle of singing a song that completely enraptures them, strumming her guitar with her eyes shut and her lips curved up in content. To his credit, he stays silent, and Seungwan only notices him and his lovestruck look after Seulgi finishes and catches his eye at the doorway.
Soojung notices too, and Seungwan knows the reproachful look that crosses her face is identical to her own.
Safe to say neither of them like Jongin very much, and they make it their mission to keep him as far away from Seulgi as possible.
When Seulgi asks them why, Soojung challenges her with an eyebrow raise and "Why not?". Seungwan frowns, reminds her about his crazy fangirls and former girlfriends.
Seulgi laughs, but when Jongin inevitably confesses to her she turns him down and tells him she likes someone else.
Neither Soojung nor Seungwan know who.
ix.
I was playing hard to get.
“You’re Chrystal?"
It's noisy in the cafeteria, so no one hears Soojung's phone dropping to the table in surprise as she looks up at Seungwan. Something tells her that Seulgi has a part in this sudden uncovering, and she doesn't know whether to thank or curse her for doing something she hasn't had the courage to do.
"Why didn't you tell me?" The shorter one frowns, sitting beside her now.
Soojung inhales. "I didn't know how to —" She shakes her head. "Wendy, I'm sorry —"
Seungwan puts a hand over hers. "No, don't be. It's okay." She smiles reassuringly at the taller brunette. "I'm just surprised. And I kind of get why you didn't tell me."
Soojung stares at their hands, her lips and asks uncertainly, "We're okay?"
"More than okay." She smiles mischievously. "Chrystal."
Soojung flushes red and pushes her away playfully, and Seungwan laughs, pushing back with half the strength.
Seulgi finds them after finishing up in the art room, sitting just a little too close together as they watch and critique music covers on YouTube. Soojung exchanges a smile with her, but kicks her under the table just for revenge.
(She thanks her properly later.)
x.
I think I know human psychology, but really I don't.
“Isn’t it weird?” Her underclassman Sooyoung says to her one day in choir practice.
Seungwan frowns, tilts her head to one side. “What’s weird?"
“The thing with you and Seulgi and Soojung. You’re like, the third wheel, or something."
Seungwan doesn't reply. If anything, she's afraid that Soojung would feel third-wheeled by the years Seungwan had with Seulgi before Canada. Or maybe Seulgi, with her attempts to keep up with the English mumbo jumbo that Seungwan and Soojung speak daily.
(Or maybe she really is the third wheel — six years in Canada, and all.)
It's put to rest slightly when they're all round Seungwan’s house for the first time, with her parents out working and the staff on holiday.
Soojung's stomach growls loudly as soon as Seungwan asks if they've eaten yet. Seungwan smiles, and an hour later Soojung's into a mouthful of kimchi fried rice.
Seulgi's eyes widen at the explosion of taste on her tongue, and she turns to Seungwan with something like adoration. “I could honestly marry you right now,” she blurts, and Soojung nods vehemently beside her.
“Ditto. What she said."
Seungwan melts into a blushing mess who would definitely say yes to both.
xi.
It has left me with mixed emotions.
It's becoming clearer when they’re watching one of those quirky foreign films that Soojung loves. Seungwan finds them fascinating, and Seulgi doesn't understand them but always appreciates the acting.
“Hey,” Soojung calls softly, leaning into the shortest one of their trio and smiling at the blush it elicits. She's over her crush, now.
After all, it was only a matter of time before Seungwan integrated herself completely into Soojung’s life; her head, her heart.
(Just like Seulgi did, all those years ago.)
She doesn't dawdle with explanations, and dives straight into the heart of the matter. The matter being that her parents have been pestering her to join a school club.
Seungwan suggests choir, naturally — and by default Seulgi considers it, too. So the next day she tries out; sings a shaky cover of 'Moon River' that earns a proud grin from Seulgi and showers of praise from Seungwan.
Seulgi sings 'Like I'm Gonna Lose You', and doesn't even finish the song before they're accepting her.
The smile that Seungwan sports is beyond adoring, and Soojung can't help but laugh and take advantage of her height to embrace them both.
(Maybe this really is how it's meant to be.)
xii.
Yes, it was a moment I'll never forget.
She tells Soojung first, eventually.
“I think I like two people,” she blurts, clutching tight at the hem of her shirt. Soojung's hands still on the shutter of her camera, and she doesn’t look up. Seulgi takes it as a sign to carry on. “Is that bad?”
Soojung still isn’t moving, and she feels the panic rise higher in her chest. “I really like them, but it’s not —“ normal. It’s not normal. I’m a girl, they’re girls, they’re my best friends, they’re the two greatest people in my life —
She breathes out a sigh, and runs a hand through her hair. It's a habit she picked up from Soojung. “I don’t know what to do. I want them. And I want them to be happy. And it’s selfish, and greedy, and —"
“No."
Soojung's voice cuts gently through the air, and Seulgi's suddenly reminded of their first meeting.
“No, it’s not bad. It’s not selfish, or greedy.” Her dark eyes are on Seulgi now, alight with something she can't decipher. “I understand."
She doesn't know what to say — whether she should thank her or not — but then Soojung hugs her and it doesn't matter.
It's okay.
xiii.
It reminds people of things that are sweet and fresh.
It was a normal lunch break in May.
Soojung squirmed, her leg bouncing under the table. “I think —“ she stopped, glanced at Seulgi, then to Seungwan’s patient smile. “…I have an accent. When I speak."
“It’s cute,” was Seungwan’s immediate response, and Seulgi smiled sweetly.
“I agree with Wan-ah,” she had added to fuel the blush on Soojung’s cheeks. “But really, it’s pretty awesome already that you can speak English…"
She had trailed off at the reminder of her own lacking English skills, and Seungwan mouthed “oconomy” at her with a mirthful glint in her eyes.
Then it was a chilly sleepover just a few weeks ago.
“Your hands are cold,” Seungwan mumbled, and Soojung retracted them back in a flash only for the shorter girl to grasp them again, covering chilly skin with her own residually warm fingers, weaving between gaps as Seulgi rested her head against the taller girl’s shoulder.
"It's okay. I can warm you up."
“You can use me, too,” Seulgi yawned, stretching out her legs, and Soojung allowed the lithe girl to lean back against her.
They fell asleep like that, and Soojung had smiled to herself.
Nothing could have been better than that.
xiv.
Well, maybe you were, maybe you weren't.
Soojung avoids them the next day. She doesn’t come into their classes until the very last second, keeping her gaze pointed away from their seats as she bows her apology to the teacher and heads to her desk, which is always located in the back of the room.
“What happened yesterday?” Seungwan quizzes as soon as she sees Seulgi at lunch, having just witnessed Soojung carefully weaving through a crowd of bustling students just to keep her distance away from them. It’s a pretty extreme measure by Soojung’s standards, and Seulgi can’t help but feel concern peeking through the pool of hurt, confusion, and frustration settling in her stomach.
(It can't be because of their conversation the day before, can it?)
“Nothing,” Seulgi murmurs back, folding her arms on the table with a sigh. Seungwan gives her a look, but her hand comes up to comb through Seulgi’s hair with a similar soft exhale.
"Give her time."
And they do. And Soojung stops avoiding them. She doesn't explain why she was doing so in the first place, but Seulgi knows better than to pry too much with Soojung.
And really, she doesn't know if she wants to find out why.
xv.
One moment he wasn't there; the next he was.
Son Wonho is there when they visit the second time.
Seungwan reckons it's probably been three months since they were both in the house at the same time.
Seulgi bows politely and tries not to note how different Seungwan's father looks now. Sterner, older, more wary. More perceptive.
Soojung lets go of Seungwan's hand but keeps herself closer still. Seulgi leads them up the stairs quickly, quietly, and Soojung can't help but glance back at the man with the heavy stare.
She doesn't miss the suspicious glint in his eyes. She decides to ignore it, until they reach Seungwan's room and heave sighs of relief that set off a quiet round of laughter between the trio.
It's untouched by him for now; untouched by anyone who could break them apart. Seulgi thinks that maybe this is what it feels like to be invincible. Soojung thinks that nothing in the world can make her happier.
Seungwan smiles at them, and hopes and prays he won't find out. But it's only a matter of time if they keep this up, and there's no way she'll stand for losing Seulgi again, or losing Soojung, period.
Later, she thinks. We'll deal with it later.
xvi.
How am I to know that?
“How do you feel about the concept of liking two people at the same time?"
Seungwan almost spits out her water. “P—Pardon?"
“Do you believe you can like two people, possibly even — possibly even love them…do you think you can do that without wanting to pick one? Like, if you could, then you’d be with them both at the same time?”
Seungwan purses her lips. “Are you asking me if I think it’s greedy, or weird?”
“I suppose.”
“…Well…I guess people would generally see it as greedy.” Seulgi looks down at that. “But they wouldn’t understand the feelings of the people involved. So, I think it's really dependent on their situation.”
She's quiet, and Seungwan inhales. “Can I ask you something?” Seulgi nods. “Who do you like? Or — I’ll rephrase. Who are the two people that you like?” No response. “Is Soojung one of them?” Silence. “Then the other. Is it —”
“Wendy!”
Sunyoung comes running then, waving music sheets in hand like a madwoman.
Seungwan exhales slowly, turns to greet her fellow choir member with a smile. When they finally finish chatting she turns back, and Seulgi is nowhere to be found.
She sighs.
(Is it me?)
xvii.
I am ambivalent.
She kisses Seulgi on a whim, and maybe it’s because of Jongin’s lingering stares in the hallway, or maybe it’s because she's not good at restraining her impulses.
“What was that for?”
She doesn't know the answer, and she doesn't need to when they turn to see Seungwan at the doorway.
All is silent.
(She feels that Seungwan should be kissed, too, and Seulgi looks like she's thinking the same thing.)
Seungwan just offers them this strange smile, and neither of them can tell what she's thinking.
“Are you guys coming to practice, or…?"
Practice. They forgot to return to choir practice. Pairing up to retrieve music stands can do that to a person.
Soojung thinks of Seungwan standing there: thinks about how she calls her Wendy and ‘cute’, how they speak in hushed English, how the warm glances they exchange could all just culminate to this one moment.
“Wendy —"
Someone yells out down the hallway, and Seungwan calls back, tells them they'll be there in a moment.
"Shouldn't keep them waiting," is all she says, before leaving them there.
Their fingers cling tightly to each other, but it's not enough to fill the Seungwan-sized space that's left there.
xviii.
I guess only time will tell.
“Soojung."
They're in the art room together, alone as per usual. But Soojung has her back turned, and she's not responding as she continues to fiddle with her camera.
“Soojung."
Seulgi looks closer then, and there are earphones hanging from either side of Soojung's head that she didn’t notice before. So she steps around the table and when Soojung looks up at her, she pulls them out hastily.
“Oh. Sorry.”
Seulgi can't help but smile. “It’s okay.”
They stand there in silence for a moment before Soojung sighs, rounds the table to join her side before kissing her.
“I don't know if this is okay,” she whispers against her lips, and Seulgi entwines their fingers together.
“It's okay,” she repeats, squeezes her hand.
Soojung hums, pulls away reluctantly. “What do we tell Seungwan?”
“I don't know.” Seulgi doesn't let go, doesn't feel the eyes that watch them from the doorway. “I don't know.”
They remain like that for a few more minutes, until Soojung remembers something and tells her she forgot her bag in the music room. Seulgi nods, watches her go with an uneasy feeling in her chest.
(What would it take to be with Seungwan like this, too?)
xix.
She locked the secret in her heart.
She really shouldn’t be doing this. She shouldn't be spying on them. It's rude, invasive, inconsiderate.
But it hurts, seeing them without Seungwan there too.
(She knows she should be there.)
It hurts even more when her father texts her about his early return home, serving as a cruel reminder of what's wrong and what's right, here — what he'll approve of and what he'll send her back to Canada for.
(And she's just so tired of doing the right thing, now.)
There's a peculiar tranquility in the music room when she goes there to settle herself. Soojung finds her like that half an hour later, curled up against the wall and breathing irregularly with her phone clutched to her chest, her father's words echoing in her head like a harrowing chant.
I only want what's best for you, Seungwan.
I know you'll do the right thing.
Don't disappoint me.
When her words don't seem to get through to Seungwan, Soojung texts someone — Seulgi, no doubt — and sits there, just holding her silently as the quiet fizzles into white noise around them. They stay like that until Seungwan can breathe again.
(She wishes it didn't feel so right.)
xx. Thanks for reminding me.
The panic attack subsides as Seungwan relaxes into her, and Soojung presses her lips to the side of her head; comforts her softly, sweetly.
"It's wrong,” is all Seungwan says. Soojung understands her all too well. The door opens then, and Soojung glances up.
“It’s okay,” she murmurs. “I love you both. And she loves us."
Seulgi's there, staring at Soojung before kneeling down and embracing Seungwan. She presses her nose to the back of her neck, and Seungwan clutches tighter at Soojung's shirt.
“I love you both, too."
There's clarity in her eyes then, and Soojung wipes at them gently.
(Seungwan mumbles later that Seulgi’s like the sun, Soojung the moon, and Seungwan the sky painted in their light.
It’s cheesy as hell, and Seulgi almost squeezes the life out of her while Soojung rains kisses over her cheeks.)
They’re walking home in a comfortable silence — closer now than ever — and Soojung feels like declaring her love again.
“We can play it by ear,” is what comes out instead, and it’s enough. Seungwan leans against her, and Seulgi bites her lip, a soft smile curving at her eyes.
They’re okay. They have each other. It’ll be okay.
…Let me just finish off by saying I’m Wenseul/Seulstal trash and Wenstal became a byproduct of a love triangle gone extra gay.
(That, and I had no idea what I was writing half the time. Also, looking at it now it would have made more sense to go the Holy Trinity/WenSeulRene route, because of that recent photoshoot.)
Anyways.
New OT3, folks? (94-line, hwaiting!)
I’m still waiting for RL Wenstal and some actual evidence of Seulstal…shipping Wenseul kinda sets high standards for OTP interactions. Such a double-edged blade.
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