- You can't keep up like that.

MyungSoo slowly looks to the door frame where the voice comes from. He had forgotten to lock it after him. He had been careless.

- What do you want Hyung? 

- MyungSoo-Ah... You need to stop.

- I don't know what you're talking about. Can you get out now? I need to change my clothes. 

SungYeol walks out, glancing one last time at him. He sighs and collapses slowly on the floor, head against the wall. SungYeol is right. He can't continue this way. But it's not like he can stop either. It is so much easier to just let it go... And MyungSoo always choses the easier way.

~*~

He hadn't really chosen to become a singer. Someone had heard him sing one day, and everything had gone so quickly after that. He hadn't ever really had his word to say, and had quickly found himself in a dance room, practicing with 6 other boys. And he had enjoyed it. For a while. He was getting bored really quickly, that was his real problem. It was not as if becoming a singer was easy. No. But it was constantly the same thing. Dance practice, Singing practice, Lunch, Singing practice, Dance practice, Go back to the dorm, Take a shower, Collapse in your bed, and repeat it all over again. It was a routine. And MyungSoo hated routines.

~*~

- MyungSoo-Ah! Are you alright? You seem really exhausted.

He smiles lightly at SungGyu, and drink his whole water bottle. He can feel SungYeol's gaze on him.

- Did you lose weight again?

-Uh? I don't think so...

- You should be careful... Our comeback is soon... I don't want anyone to collapse or anything on stage... And... I'm sure your chest bones didn't show like that before. 

- Hyung, I'm okay. I swear... Just lighted up a bit... No worries.

He flashes a bright smile, and walks to his position. Ready to repeat the choreography one more time.

~*~     

It all began when they started to gain popularity. No. To be entirely honest, it started way before that. But it had never been as bad as after he became an idol. Pressure, and expectations were too much, and that's what made him drop it everything. Every little thing that had made him keep up until now. It was when they started preparing for ' Before The Dawn ' that expectations made him falter. 'You need to work more on your singing MyungSoo', 'Do you really practice?! Because you need to be better than that', 'Lose more weight!', 'Stop acting like a kid! You're an idol now!'. It wasn't the others fault. It was him, his character, his way of thinking. 

~*~

DongWoo is already fast asleep when MyungSoo comes back from practice this evening. SungYeol is nowhere to be found, but he can't bring himself to care. He's exhausted and only wants one thing, to sleep. He's putting his sweat pants on, bare chest, when SungYeol enters the room. 

- You're back.

MyungSoo nodded, and walk to his bed.

- You know... If you want to... talk about it or something... You can come to me you know. You don't have to do this alone...

He nods, and slips under his covers.

- Good night Hyung.

SungYeol sighs, and walks to his own bed. 

~*~

Why was he like that? So incline to destroy himself... He was wondering it every day. He had never been a sad child, or had a bad youth. He had a family who loved him, parents that cherished him. He had always been calm, and never good at expressing his emotions. Never had he been an exuberant child, never caused big problems. So maybe he was trying to get this time back. To show himself that he wasn't just a mind in a shell. That he was actually alive. He didn't know. MyungSoo always just choose the easier way. And here, it was to follow the flow.

~*~

They all gather in the practice room. The 7 of them, because the comeback is tomorrow, and they need to be all at their best. 

SungGyu is encouraging them, motivating them, trying to bring the best from all of them. He is a good leader. Taking care of his team mates more than he cares about himself. 

SungJong is worried, MyungSoo can read it on his face. Being the maknae isn't always easy despite what everyone says. 

Hoya doesn't show any trace of any anxiousness, but MyungSoo knows him better now. Behind the calm face, is actually a worried mind. Hoya can't let himself loose, or defeat. He wouldn't be able to bear it, so he just smiles, and thinks that everything's going to be okay. 

DongWoo is smiling as usual, but the 'not-so-funny' laughs. The stressed and uncomfortable one. He's gripping Hoya's hand as if it is his lifeline. 

WooHyun is quiet and focuses on everything SungGyu's saying, nodding at the appropriate places, and giving him reassuring look. 

And then there is SungYeol. SungYeol who's staring at the floor, sometime glancing at him. His hands are shaking, and sweat is dripping from his earlobe. He looks tired too. And without thinking further, MyungSoo grips his Hyung's hand, not looking at him, just squeezing it a few times. To reassure SungYeol.

The managers allow them to go back home earlier tonight. They need some sleep to be in a good condition for their comeback. 'Be mine' is a quite physical choreography, and nobody wants someone collapsing on stage. No. 

~*~

Now that he thinks about it, it was recognition he wanted. Not love. Love was ethereal, ephemeral and futile. Love never stays. Recognition though... Once you gain it, nobody can take it away from you. It can disappear, but people will still remember the moment you were at the top. No matter how hard and disastrous your fall is. So maybe it was it. He needed people to realize he was good at something. Even if he didn't talk much, nor expresses his emotions easily. 

But once you gain it...What are you supposed to do after that? 

~*~

They just finish their performance, and have a 5 minutes break before going back on stage for the 'winner of the week' celebration. SungGyu is patting everyone's back, saying that they all did a great job today. 

MyungSoo stumble in his steps but SungYeol grab him by the waist, and keep him up straight. Nobody else seems to have seen it.

- What are you searching for? To faint on stage? Do you think that's what everyone wants?

He glares at SungYeol, trying to free himself from the older’s grasp, but fails. He doesn't have any strength left. And to be honest, he's still wondering how he's able to keep walking.

-Leave me alone Hyung.

- I can't. I won't risk everyone's hard work. I may be the only one to see it, maybe just the only one who want to acknowledge the fact that you're currently ing up, but I won't leave you do it. Do you hear me well?

SungYeol's eyes are hard on him. He sighs, and frees himself from his Hyung.

- I won't everything up. I worked hard for it too... Without me, there won't be any one of you on stage today, and you know it perfectly well. Now leave me alone.

He regrets his words the moment they are out of his mouth, but does not show it. He can't let his guard down. If he does, he loses. So he just stare a few more seconds at SungYeol's hurt face before walking to the couch and collapsing next to SungJong. SungGyu glances worriedly between him and SungYeol, but goes back to laugh at WooHyun's stupid joke. 

Maybe SungYeol is right after all. Maybe SungGyu knows. Maybe he just doesn't want to admit it, because he has probably a lot of other things bothering him.

~*~

If there is something that MyungSoo realized after a while, it's that his situation is not good for him, or anyone else. Not that he didn't know before, but now... Things are different. 

He's not reacting the way he used to. Before everything started. He's snapping at everyone, getting angry for small things, losing his temper way more often. His mood is up and down. Now that he think about it, it's totally impossible that only SungYeol knows. 

SungGyu definitely noticed that something was off, probably Hoya too. 

Then why aren't they saying anything? Because that's what MyungSoo wants, in the end. That's what he needs. 

People to see him, to pay attention to him. In the end, he's probably just lost. And maybe that's just it. Maybe he's just another lost kid, just like any ordinary teenager. 

The only problem is that he's far from being ordinary. He's an idol. He's famous, just like what he wanted to be. 

Maybe he should have thought about it more deeply before signing his contract. Maybe he had never really fitted for singing.

~*~

They're all standing on the stage, waiting for the MCs to announce the winner of the week. SungYeol isn't talking to him anymore. They haven't exchange a words since encounter in the changing rooms a few weeks ago. 

He is a bit too deep in his thoughts that he doesn't hear quite well their name. But suddenly SungJong burst in tears on his left, and he understands. They've just won. 

On his right WooHyun his struggling to keep his sobs inside, and miserably fails. 

And it feels as if the world has suddenly stopped. He can see everything he has done until now passing in his mind. From his earliest memories, his parents, his birthdays, primary school, summer holidays, high school, his first crush... But the mostly s. The hard time they all went through, altogether. The first time he met them, the moment they all moved to their dorm, their first recording sessions, the shooting of Come Back Again's MV, their debut stage...

Everything comes back, all at once. And he feels complete.

He looks around, and sees SungYeol. The older has tears in his eyes, but isn't showing any sign of imminent heavy crying. He has a huge grin on his face, and waves to the fans. 

MyungSoo hugs SungJong, patting the maknae on the shoulder, because it feels like the thing to do. 

Then Hoya starts tearing up, and he's just besides him so fling his arm around the older's shoulder and says something in his ears, and Hoya laughs. They hug and MyungSoo feel great. More than he has ever been. Tears are coming up in his own eyes. He takes a deep breath, and look up for a few seconds. 

He can't cry. Not here, not on stage. For the moment, he wants to feel the perfect blissful moment. He wants to listen to SungGyu stuttering in the mic, getting confused, and laughing awkwardly. He wants to see DongWoo crying out loud, faithful to his own self, far from the idol image. 

He glances at SungYeol, but the older has his back to him, greeting some other singers, so he goes to the front of the stage, and throws hearts to his fans. 

'They'll probably wonder what's going on with me', he thinks for a moment, but to be honest, he doesn't mind. Not at all. 

He feels alive, and that's what is important. He's the first and only one ready when the music starts, so he sings and dances, even if no one's following. 

He glances one last time at SungYeol, and the other catches his eyes. They both grin like idiots, but it's okay. ‘Everything’sgoing to be okay ' MyungSoo thinks.

~*~

He actually got what he wanted. Recognition. But the feeling was very far from what he had thought. Because it wasn't what he had expected. 

He had wanted people to know his name, to remember him. But it wasn't the case. He wasn't known as a solo singer, or an actor... he was known as Infinite's L. And that's what was making him complete. He felt useful, and he loved how it felt on stage with the 6 other members. 

Maybe it wasn't Recognition he wanted in the end... Maybe he had been wrong all along. Maybe it was...Love? In a way. 's love, his love for them. It was all that mattered. And maybe his fans... No. THEIR fans. 

It wasn't his recognition he had needed, it was theirs. As a team, a band, friends... Family.

~*~   

For the first time in a long while, nobody complains of anything in the van on the way home. 

Hoya is on the phone with his parents, and MyungSoo can hear in his voice the pride he's holding. Next to him, gripping at Hoya's hand, as usual, DongWoo's texting a wide grin on his face. Near the window, WooHyun's looking outside, music plugged in his ears, a content smile on his lips. SungGyu in the front seat is talking happily with their manager. As for SungYeol and SungJong, they're taking selcas together. SungYeol's arm is thrown on the maknae's shoulders, and they both moving dangerously closer to MyungSoo. SungJong first.

- Hyung come one, take a picture with us!

MyungSoo smiles, and moves closer to the maknae. SungYeol is grinning behind the maknae, and removes his hand from SungYeol's shoulders to allow MyungSoo to come closer. They all pose with a wide smile, holding their victory 'V' as close as possible from their face.

The ride had always been a long and painful moment before. But tonight it feels more like a blissful moment, where they're all together. All with their own thoughts, their own way to cope with the win, their own way to relieve their stress, but all together. DongWoo's fast asleep on Hoya's shoulder when they reach home, and everyone have fun to try waking him up. All failing. Hoya gestures to them to go back to the dorm. He will take care himself of the sleeping DongWoo. He has always been the one to know exactly what DongWoo needed.

WooHyun's first to shower, and they all gather in the living room. Spread out on the couch and floor. 

SungGyu claims the couch, and in the end allows a small place for SungJong because he's the maknae. And everyone knows that there is always a special link between the leader and the maknae. 

SungYeol collapses on the floor, back resting on the foot of the couch. MyungSoo look at the scene for a second before catching SungYeol's eyes. The older smiles at him, and his heart flutter for a second. He smiles back, and lies on the floor next to him, allowing his head to rest on the older's lap. 

They talk about nothing, and everything. The win, the members, the other singers, how they had reacted, what SungGyu should have said in his winning speech... And somewhere in the middle of the conversation, SungYeol starts to play with MyungSoo's hair. Massaging his scalp, and absentmindedly tugging at his hair. And it feels great. Better than anything in the world. 

He closes his eyes, letting this wave of emotions overwhelming him. He had never let himself entirely relax before. Because he was afraid of what could happened if he did. But now it's okay. Because SungGyu and SungJong are talking in the background, and he can feel SungYeol's warm hand in his hair. 

~*~

-MyungSoo-Ah... MyungSoo-Ah, wake up.

He can't remember where he is, nor what happened before, but one thing is sure, he feels good. He opens his eyes slowly, glancing around. SungYeol's still here, patting his hair. SungGyu and SungJong aren't. They probably retreated to their own rooms.

- I'm awake...

He slowly rises up to a sitting position. His head is spinning harder than usual, and his ears are buzzing. SungYeol his back gently, before standing up and holding a hand to him. 

- Come on, we're going to sleep.

MyungSoo nods, and hold SungYeol's hand tight as he fights to stand up. 

He's screaming inside. Screaming to his legs to hold him to his room. But it's hard, and he's exhausted. And he can't remember when he had his last meal. 

Luckily SungYeol's there, and catches him before he collapses. He helps MyungSoo to their shared room, not saying anything. Nobody's around. 

MyungSoo collapses on his bed, and stares at the ceiling breathlessly. SungYeol helps him to change his clothes, before moving to his own bed. But MyungSoo doesn't want to be alone. Not tonight. So he catches SungYeol's wrist, and looks up at the older.

- Hyung... Don't leave me alone. Please.

And SungYeol nods. He climbs on the bed, and lay down besides MyungSoo. They stare at each other for a moment, before MyungSoo's lids starts to shut down by themselves. He moves closer to SungYeol, hook his leg around the other's, in a last effort, and rest his head in the crook of the older's neck. Breathing SungYeol's scent appeases him.

‘Tomorrow, I'll eat ' is the last thing he thinks before falling asleep, SungYeol's arms wrapped around him.