-

 

 

He acted stupid when onstage, but when offstage, he is the sweetest man that I ever known. He is my friend, Kim Namjoon.

We had known for each other since in high school. He was a new guy in my school as he just moved down to our town. The first impression about him, he was WEIRD. I don’t say he was ugly because that is a harsh word to describe a person. He is tall, tallest among student in my class. His hair, I can't remember as almost of his time, he wore beanie. He didn’t speak almost of the time, he was inside his world.

We were partners during English class. He sat beside me. When the first time I heard he spoke English, I really adore it. I born with Korean as my mother tongue, I had difficulties to pronounce English words correctly.

"My name is Namjoon. What is your name?" that was the first English sentence that I ever heard from his mouth. He had a kind of deep voice but not really husky, it just, really nice.

He helped me a lot during English class, and also other class. We started to close since then. I admitted, the purpose I wanted to befriend with him was because I adore his English so much and I wanted to learn from him. Besides, he was top scorer of our school.

As the time passed, both of us started to cling to each other. Wherever had Namjoon, there was always had me. One night, Namjoon asked me to sleep over his place as his parents weren’t home. He said he wanted to show me a new movie but I know, he was afraid to live alone.

"Nana yah," I turned to him as he called me.

"Hmm?" I rose up my eyebrows as I looked him.

"I went to audition last week," he began to speak.

"What kind of audition?" I asked him incoherently while munching chips.

"Idol, something, at BigHit,"

"Oh,"

"I got accepted," Namjoon said.

I stopped from eating the chips, "No way,"

"Yes way,"

"Really? You -really?" I asked his confirmation.

He can’t help it to smile and made his dimples seen.

"Wow, congrats dude," I said to him.

"Thanks, Nana," he was blushed.

"If you become an idol, don't forget to get autograph, okay?" I smiled

"Anything for you, Nana ah," he said.

-

He lost his weight tremendously when he started to trainee. His fat cheeks weren’t there anymore. He skipped classes’ a lot and when he came to class, he looked tired and slept most of the time. But the good thing about Namjoon was, he always smiled for me.

"Namjoon ah, let's go for a movie on this weekend," I asked him out one day.

"I can't Nana ah, this week will be my evaluation I needed to maximally prepared," he said to me.

"Oh, okay," I said to him

"Are you mad, Nana yah?"

I shook my head, "Haha, no I didn’t, Namjoon Why should I? You should take care of yourself, you lost weight so much," I patted his back.

Namjoon didn’t say anything to me because he smiled meant a lot to me.

-

I was cuddling up with stacks of pillows and blanket up to my head. It was autumn that time, and our heater was broken. The music blasted loudly inside my ears, and made I didnt hear someone called my name. I was closing my eyes on that time, with my mind imagining myself san to that song- when someone pulled down my blanket. I NEARLY SCREAM, but Namjoon quickly closed my mouth with his cold hand.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

He took out bag of chips and two bottle of coke from the plastic bag.

"I'm making up with you," he said to me.

I smiled.

-

I suggested both of us went to his house since his parents weren’t home. Besides, Namjoon had a beautiful yard. We were always stargazing from his yard.

Namjoon walk out from his house with two pillows on his hands. He passed one to me, and placed one on the grass. He opened up the coke bottle and handed to me.

"How was your evaluation?" I asked as ripped the chips sacks.

"Haha, bad. The PD didn’t approve with my rapping skill," he gulped down the coke.

"How was about your dance skill?"

"Uhm, well, getting better I guess," he frowned his forehead.

"Really? I need to watch that," I said

He shook his head as disagree.

"You got no jams, dude," I speak in English with my Korean accent.

"Are you stole my jams now, Nana?" he smirked.

"Haha, I borrow," I said in broken English.

He laughed when watched my dorkiness.

"Namjoon, is there any cute trainee there," I asked him.

"Believe me, I'm the cutest,"

"Cute your ,"

"You are so jealous,"

"No,"

"Yes you are and no more argument,"

I remained silent.

"Are you mad, Nana yah?" he sounded worried.

"No I wasn’t, Namjoon ah," I smiled.

He smiled to me, "I will find a very cute guy for you, Nana yah. Or perhaps, I could introduce an idol to you, sooner,"

"I don't need that, Namjoon ah," I said and I lay on the pillow.

I wish Namjoon did ask me why, but he didn’t. He lay beside me, and both of us watched the stars on the sky.

-

When Namjoon debuted in BTS, I wasn't in Korea. I was in Australia, pursued study. I took mass-communication. During the first year after his group debuted, we didn’t contact at all. We were lost contact.

One day, as I headed to my dorm, I sensed someone followed me from behind. I was a paranoia person, so I tend to get panic easily. A man touched my shoulder and I screamed aloud.

"Hey, Hey Nana. IT'S ME!" he put down his shades.

"Namjoon?"

"Your Namjoon is here," his sounded happy.

"Goshhhh Namjoonnn??!" a fangirl button was activated immediately.

"You are so loud," Namjoon hushed me to keep my voice low or they will be caught by his fans.

"I'm sorry. I- Wow, I-" I rubbed my eyes.

"Are you cried?" Namjoon tilted up my head.

"No, I wasn't. It just dusts," I said.

 

I brought him to my hostel room. Luckily, there weren’t many students.

He sat on my bed while I took out two cans of chilled coke from fridge downstairs.

"Why you were here? When you arrived?" I bombarded him with questions.

"I just arrived here and I'm here to see you, Nana yah,"

"Will you stay longer?"

Pause.

 

"I will head to Korea tomorrow night," he sounded disappointed.

I was disappointed too. It's been almost two years since we faced each other and he will leave sooner.

"Are you mad, Nana yah?" he asked me.

"Haha, no I’m not, Namjoon," I smiled.

"You are getting beautiful, with the short hair" he said while tucking my hair behind we ear.

"Thank you," I said.

"When will you return to Korea?"

"I will grad this summer, and yeah I will back right after," I played with the can's pin.

"How was your idol life, Rap Monster," I asked him sarcastically.

"Haha, it is nice and tired almost all of the time,"

"I heard your group barely get enough sleeps,"

"Every group, Nana yah," he corrected me.

"Okay, okay. Hmm, will you introduced a cute idol to me? Can you introduce Hyuk VIXX for me?" I asked him.

"Hyuk sunbae is way younger than you,"

"He was born on 95. Who cares?" I said.

"Or maybe, V," I continued without left him a space to speak.

"V? Just don't. How about, hmm Jin hyung?" he promoted his own group.

"Jin oppa is more feminine than me," I said.

"But J-Hope is fine for me," I said to him.

"Okey, then,"

"Okey?" I asked him back.

"Yeah, okay okay. I will introduce you to him," he said.

I laughed, "Namjoon ah, thank you so much but nah, I don't want,"

Again, I wish he asked me why I don't want them but instead he slept on my bed. He was tired, he said to me.

-

I was randomly changed the TV program, and suddenly BTS appeared. My finger stopped from changed the channel and my eyes glued to them. They were in Arirang's After School Club. Namjoon, he looked extremely attractive in black shirt and with his slightly pinkish hair.

"I'm Rap Monster, your pink Monnie," he said.

I busted into laugh.

"Pink your ," I whispered.

I received a text message from my friend - he asked me whether I free later in evening.

As I dress up to the meet up, I received a call, from Namjoon. I was surprised because he didn’t call me often.

"Hey Namjoon,"

"Hi. Nana yah, are you free tonight?" he asked.

I paused before began to speak.

"If you got plan, never mind then," he said and I can detect his disappointment.

"No-no, I'm free tonight, Namjoon,"

"Oh, really? Okay, then, I will drop to your house," he said.

"Sure, Namjoon. I will wait for you"

-

-

 

-

 

I realized I was late to meet Namjoon. When I arrived, I spotted a man sat against the wall with few plastic bags on his hand.

"Namjoon ah, I'm sorry," I said as I walked to him.

He tilted up his hoodie and saw me, "You should make up something for me," Namjoon smiled.

"Haha, okay-okay. I will cook ramen for you,' I said to him as I entered the keys into the knob.

 

I placed hot ramen in front of him, and he looked really hungry somehow. He tried to stir the hot ramen inside the pot, but his chopstick fell off from his hand. I saw his hand wrapped with a thick white bandage. I helped him stirred the ramen before placed a huge portion inside his bowl.

“What happened to your hand?” I asked him.

 

“Minor accident, no worry,” he could careless about the answer he gave.

 

He tried to use chopstick using his left-hand but the chopstick kept slipped away. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a fork for him. He smiled brightly when received the fork.

“Eat slowly, pink monnie,” I said to him as I saw he slurped the ramen into his mouth and made a hissed sound.

 

“Where were you going?” he asked me.

 

“I met friend,” I said to him before ate my part.

 

“How are you, my friend?” he asked me in English.

“Kind of good –I’m busy with my internship here,” I said.

 

“My Nana is big now,” he sounded mocked somehow.

 

“Ha-ha,”

 

 

We watched a movie after the supper. Few cans of beer were lined up along the table.  Namjoon told me about his life, about his group. He bragged about his improvement in dancing and I didn’t believe him. Namjoon asked me about my internship, about my love-life which is, I still don’t have a love life, yet.

 

I though we drank a lot of beer because something was happened that night. I couldn’t remember the exact path that leaded us to that something. A moment before we laughed for silly jokes that we did, and moment later, my lips on him. We kissed that night. It was a tender kiss –not rough just sweet. It was like a caramel chocolate bar. The inside was sweet.

 

We starred each other after the kiss. Namjoon face changed. He was worried.

 

“I’m really sorry,” Namjoon apologized.

 

He really meant that. He said just like a person who’d committed a sin. Was that kiss, a sin?

 

He grabbed his hoodie and before I could stop him, he walked out from my place.

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

 

It was a week after the kiss scene when I received a text from him. He said, he was drunk by that time and he was sorry for that. I didn’t reply him on that time. I starred at his message blankly and wished he really meant about the kiss, and wished us was real. I continued with my works, typed something on the monitor. My mind was blank; I typed random words on the screen. My colleague patted my back and made me stopped from typing. She didn’t say any words instead gave me her warm smile. I thanked her for that –thanked that she didn’t ask me about my problems or I will end up cried inside her hug. I hate that.

 

 

 

The news about BTS concert was cancelled in Japan spread nationwide. I knew the news from my SNS account and some of them posted about BTS cried. Two of their members were not well and the fans were worried about them. I worried about Namjoon, I hope he will be fine. 

 

It was midnight, when I was prepared to go bed when I received a call from a number that wasn’t in my contact list. I picked up the call –just in case the call was urgent. It was a short pause before I heard his voice, Namjoon.

 

“Are you sleeping, now?” Namjoon asked me.

 

“I was about to go bed,” I replied.

 

I heard he took a deep breath.

 

“Nana yah, are you mad?” the typical question that he loved to ask me.

 

“No, I didn’t, Namjoon. Why should I?” I lied.

 

“Namjoon, are you okay? I heard about the news,” I asked him.

 

I heard he laughed, but I know it was a forced laugh.

 

“I’m okay, we were okay, for now,” he said.

 

To be honest, I wanted the conversation ended faster because every time I heard his voice, the kiss played inside my mind –the sweetness of his lips, and the warmth inside his mouth.

 

“Are you still there?” he asked me.

 

“Um, Namjoon, I- I feel tired now, I need to sleep,” I said to him.

 

“Oh yeah. I shouldn’t bother you now,” he replied.

 

For the first time of life, I really didn’t care about his tone, the disappointment tone contained inside his voice.

 

“Bye,” he said but I didn’t reply. I cut off the call and put down my phone under my pillow.

 

That night, I tried to get a sleep, but I couldn’t. When the clock strived 4.30 AM, I got down from my bed and put on my hoodie and sweatpants. I placed earphones inside my ears and the music blasted aloud. I didn’t know how far I ran –I kept ran and ran. Sweats formed on my forehead, and my hoodie drenched with my sweats. I took a break on the park as I gained my breath. I rested my arms on the metallic ream and pulled off earphones from my ears. The park wasn’t crowd with people yet as it was still early in the morning.

 

I saw Namjoon –in my thought. The memory of us played inside my mind. I saw Namjoon and me in the playground back in our hometown. It was night, and I was sitting on the swing and he was pushing the swings. Higher, higher –I said to him. He pushed with all of his energy and my hand slipped off from the chain. I fell on the ground. Namjoon ran to me, and he face was pale. He checked my face, and my arms –asked me did I hurt? I told him, I hate him. Namjoon laughed upon heard that. I got mad and told him, that wasn’t funny. I showed to him my red palm and he took it and blew off.

 

“Feel better?” he asked me.

 

I nodded.

 

 

-

 

-

 

-

 

 

Nana left her note book on the table in the classroom –made the curious Namjoon took it and read. Most of the pages were scribbled with words and cartoons that she drew when she bored in the class. Namjoon flipped the pages faster but careful enough so he won’t tear the book apart. A short note on the top of each pages caught his attention. It was his name, Namjoon. A small heart was drawn together with his name. He smiled, of course he did. It was cute. But, on the last pages, Nana wrote about Namjoon. How Namjoon attractive with school uniform, how cool Namjoon’s English.

 

 

Nana likes him secretly, he read on the last part.

 

Nana likes him.

 

Nana likes Namjoon.

 

 

Namjoon quickly closed the notebook and put it on the exact position. Nana came after that, with two boxes of milk on her hands. She handed one of it to Namjoon. Namjoon thanked to her and opened the milk.

 

 

,

,

,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nana and Namjon were in Namjoon’s yard –stargazed. Just now they were argued about Namjoon’s dance skill and Namjoo told her, she was jealous.

 

 

“I will find a very cute guy for you, Nana yah. Or perhaps, I could introduce an idol to you, sooner," Namjoon told her.

"I don't need that, Namjoon ah," Nana replied and laid her head on the pillow.

Namjoon was about to ask her about his ideal type. He almost said the words but he didn’t. 

 

Nana looked at him who still sitting. She patted the empty side beside her, “You don’t want to lay here?” she asked.

 

,

,

,

 

 

Namjoon was in a studio –composed a new song. His cellphone showed 1.30 AM when he realized it was late in night. Namjoon switched off the monitor and grabbed his brown coat on the sofa. He closed the door behind as took a deep breath.

 

He drove his own car to the apartment which he owned since last year. He lived alone, there.

 

As he entered the passcode of his apartment, a beep sound was heard. He placed him shoes on the rack –just like Nana always told him to do. He placed his keys on the dining table and spotted a white envelope with his name on it. He opened up the envelope and revealed a thick card that had a good smell.

 

It was a wedding invitation.

 

From, Nana.

 

He smiled as read the content. Nana left a small note inside the card. Told him, she was waited for him about 2 hours to give this card.

His friend, Nana will get married.

 

He was happy for her, of course.

 

He wanted this, after all.

 

 

,

,

,

 

 

“Tell me, Namjoon, do you love me?” Nana asked him one night.

It was a long pause.

 

“I love you, Namjoon,” Nana told him.

 

“Nana yah, you drunk, aren’t you?” Namjoon asked her.

 

“No I’m not. I’m completely sober now. So tell me Namjoon, do you ever love me?” she demanded.

 

“Yes,” he admitted his own feeling after kept by himself for 6 years.

 

Namjoon can hear Nana laughed.

 

“Why?” she asked him.

 

“I love you to extend I don’t want you to get hurt by me. I don’t want you to –have someone like me, as your well, soul mate because I didn’t deserve you. Love was built to destroy; love wasn’t built to be eternal,”

 

Namjoon heard sniffs.

 

“I don’t want to lose you, I wanted to have you forever, and –it’s hard, Nana yah,” he said.

 

“Namjoon ah, so tell me, until when you wanted to become like this,” Nana asked.

 

,

,

,

 

 

Namjoon wasn’t there when Nana walked down the aisle with her dad on her side. The groom was waiting patiently in front of the priest; handsomely with the tuxedo and styled-up hair. Namjoon arrived late, during the bride exchanged ring with the groom. As the both their lips touched, audiences clapped their hands and not to forget, Namjoon too. Nana and the groom faced the audiences and she spotted Namjoon on the last row. He was smiling with his dimples seen and waving his hand to her.

 

Nana wanted to cry when saw he was there, but Namjoon gestured her not too.

 

Namjoon loves her to extend he doesn’t want her to get hurt by him because love is destroying and not build.

 

 

--- end