When I used to look above, all I saw was sky; and every song that I would sing, I sung not knowing why. All I thought and all I felt, was only just because, never was it ever you- until it was all there was.

       I looked up to a never-ending blanket of gray that hung above. The pitter-patter of raindrops on my umbrella was comforting and somehow familiar. All around me was a blur of white and gray. Clusters of girls were walking calmly under the light rain, their soft murmurs and laughter blended perfectly into the background and I smiled to myself. There’s just something about gray rainy days that seemed beautifully nostalgic to me.

       An unsettling wave of warmth ran through my chest and my smile saddened. I tightened my grip around the umbrella and wished the feeling away.

       I was almost to the stairs to the entrance of the school building when my feet decided on its own to take a turn. Absentmindedly I walked toward the benches under the trees. I was losing my breath and my pace was quickening without me noticing. My eyes were glued on one particular bench and I needed to get there. What was this longing feeling and why was it suddenly washing over me?

       Each time I felt something weird as what I was feeling right now, I try hard to not let my thoughts wander to the one thing that could be the prime cause. Because the more I let myself ponder, the more I consider the idea that it could still be. But I know all too well that it ended long ago, even so I’m still trying to hold on.

       I got to the bench and sat on it despite it being wet with rainwater. I sighed and forced a smile that I could tell was a sad one. In this very place was where I once first met someone, and for some inexplicable reason, made me feel as though some force was pulling me toward him that very first day. It was the same feeling I felt when I was walking toward this bench today. I felt as though it was calling out to me.

       When two souls fall in love, there is nothing else but the yearning to be close to the other. The presence that is felt through a hand held, a voice heard or a smile seen.

       I closed my eyes and listened to our song in my head. I smiled as I remembered the first memory I had of him walking towards me with flowers in hand and his guitar case in the other. The sun was shining down on him and I knew the song was wrong about me looking beautiful that day because if there was anyone beautiful in the picture in my head, it was most definitely him.

       I could hear his voice very clearly in my head as he said his greetings and my heart pounded in my chest. Little did I know that time that I wasn’t going to play by the rules. I wasn’t going to pretend to like him in front of the camera and be complete strangers behind it. I was not one to hide real feelings.

       I brought a hand to my mouth and remembered how he used to do the same. He used to say my hands smelt like flowers. But don’t flowers always end up withering? Maybe that’s what happened. Maybe I was once a flower whom he adored, but just like any other – I withered in his eyes.

       Maybe I was thinking of myself too much. Maybe I didn’t matter at all. Maybe it was all just for show. I shouldn’t get upset because that’s how it was supposed to be but maybe I assumed and I probably did expect too much. But part of it felt so real – no, everything felt real. Maybe I was just being naïve. But naïve or not, I missed him. And maybe, just maybe, still loved him too.

       I didn’t notice it when the rain started to pour heavier. I stood up and walked away from the bench. I decided to skip school today. I need to get these feelings off my chest.

       I got into my car and started driving aimlessly. My heart was beating so hard in my chest that it was the only existing sound I could hear. I could look like a mess right now but I couldn’t care less. I ran my fingers through my hair and a picture of him tucking a lose strand of hair behind my ear flashed in my mind. I tried to focus on the road but the memories wouldn’t stop.

       He brushed my hair away from my face and I couldn’t help the blush. I looked down at our interlaced fingers and whispered, “This is going to be a beautiful memory.”

      He tilted my head up with a finger and smiled, “You’re beautiful.”

      I wrinkled my nose in protest. “You are.” And he was. He was not just beautiful to look at but he felt beautiful, and he made me feel beautiful. He was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

       The sun shone so beautifully above us and the sea breeze felt so good on my face but nothing felt better than having his arms wrapped around my waist. He asked me to shout to the world words that I couldn’t say. I gathered all my strength to get those three words out. “I love you,” I said and I wished he did too. Did he?

       Nothing made me feel like I ruled the world than being on that parasail with him. The sun was starting to set, the sky so close to the touch and the sea just below our feet. That time was the most precious. I uttered another confession but I didn’t expect for him to say it back. I was content knowing I loved him and I had him with me but he leans in to my ear and in a whisper he said, “I love you.”

       I remembered most fondly those times we spent just goofing around throwing stupid pickup lines. He used to tell me I was beautiful and it usually caught me off guard. Oh, I miss being beautiful – I miss being beautiful for him. To him it didn’t matter if my face was swollen and red or if my breath stank early in the morning. Just me alone, being myself, was beautiful to him and God knows how beautiful he was to me too after all this time.

       Maybe it was right to love him and maybe it wasn’t. Maybe this love is right if only we had different circumstances. Maybe I am always destined to love him although he’s destined for another. Maybe we were destined to be together but not in this lifetime. Maybe one, two or ten lifetimes later we will finally find our way back to each other again and things will be better.

But why? Why not now? Why couldn’t we be together now? Why did we suddenly stop talking? Why did he suddenly change his heart? Where was he? Why did it become so hard to breathe? Why am I losing control of the wheel? Why did everything turn black?

        In a sea of strangers, you've longed to know me. Your life spent sailing to my shores. The arms that yearn to someday hold me, will ache beneath the heavy oars. Please take your time and take it slowly; as all you do will run its course.

        There were sirens. There were white figures with masks over their mouths. There was one too many blinding lights above me. I couldn’t feel my body. Everything was foggy. Everything was black.

        I awoke in a room of white colored walls and a hissing machine beside me. I looked down on my hand to see a tube connected to the dextrose that hung above. I couldn’t feel my face and I just stared blankly ahead.

        I didn’t notice someone was with me until he stirred. He had his head laid on the right side of my bed and one of his hands was holding mine. He looked so peaceful as he slept but a few moments later his eyes fluttered open.

       “Seungyeon,” he said no louder than a whisper. He looked at me as if it was the first and last.

       My heart skipped a beat. I held his gaze. He was beautiful even with the bags under his eyes. He took my hand to his mouth and kissed it and it felt like the most familiar and natural thing in the world. Tears began to escape his eyes.

       Something about his light brown eyes sent waves of nostalgia to me. The name he called me sounds new yet familiar.

       Something inside me stirred and I couldn’t quite put any name to it other than yearning. How could I not have any idea who he was and feel as though I’ve been missing him so much all this time? How could I be meeting him for the first time and feel so familiar and comfortable? How is it possible to feel that I’ve loved him long before today?

       And nothing else can take what only- was always meant as solely yours.

∞