Lee Donghae

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It has been so long since the time I confessed my feelings, which I had been hiding for years. But our relationship have never changed.

It is still the same as before, somehow I am very thankful that he is still the same to me.

Kind.

Concerned.

Caring.

Gentle.

But everytime I see him, everytime I get close to him, everytime I hear his voice and everytime I feel his presence.

I just

become helpless.

Such a pity.

I wish I have never feel this way.

I wish it never happened.

I wish my feelings can still be changed.

I wish I am not in love with my best friend. 

All of people why to my best friend? Why?

No wonder, he is the best human I have ever encountered. He is the best man. Loving him is easy to learn. Yes I know love is not a subject to learn about. It is a strange feeling you can't control with. Like these feelings playing inside my chest since the day I found myself thinking about him.

This kind of scenarios are not new. My situation is probably ordinary like in those dramas I have watched. Being trapped in one sided love is normal thing nowadays, which means I am not the only one suffering like this. But why all of a billion people out there why it has to be me? And why it should be with my bestfriend?

I don't believe in birthday wishes, they said if you wish on your birthday it will be granted. But I had tried to use my birthday wish, not just once. I gave it a try although I know it won't be granted but I tried. I was really desperate.

And yes.

I was right.

Birthday wishes are nothing but a trash.

I can't blame anyone but myself. For hoping such thing to happen. Wishing my best friend falling in love with me. Being desperate to be loved by him. But I can't help it. I tried to forget, to move on but it just made me fall deeper.

I can't.

Anything will do but stop loving him.

If my best friends finds out what I am thinking he will surely smack my head and laugh at me like I am a crazy. Though that is a bit true, I am so crazy, very insane, feeling this way towards him drives me like this. I pity myself.

I hate this feeling. But I can't help but love the person who caused me this.

I love him.

And I can't do anything.

But to accept that...

He will never feel the same way.

And my love will remains one sided.

The worst thing is, I have thought our relationship will be the same no matter what happens, no more, no less. But days, weeks, years has passed by painfully through my eyes. I can feel the coldness is starting to wrap around us, seeing the distance between us starting to grow a part, the relationship I thought will remains the same but dig itself under the ground where no one would ever find out.

My darkest dream finally finds me, in real. And it will not leave me till the day I broke apart.

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Year 2005 when I found myself thinking about my bestfriend. My best friend who treats me so good, who will do just to make me smile, who cares about me like my mother, who ruffles my hair when I throw a tantrum, who pampers me like a small kitten, the person who does not fail in suprising me on my birthdays, the person who walks with me going school and off home, the only reason why my mind is in a big chaos, why my heart beats so fast, why I feel myself flustered, why I smile without a reason and why I have this strange feelings playing within me. Lee Hyukjae.

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2005

"Donghae? Are you all right?"

"Hey Donghae?"

"Donghae!"

I jump on my sit when my mother suddenly snap me off. "Mom!" I pout and go back to my previous position. "What were you saying?" I ask still pouting. I remember that we were talking about dad's birthday celebration but in half way of our conversation my mind flew somewhere else.

"Donghae you were spacing out!" Mother fans herself as her head shakes dramatically.

"Spacing out?" Again, I ask.

"What were you thinking? Is anything bothering you? Tell me."

huh? what were I thinking? I was just thinking about.....Hyukkie.

"I was thinking about......" I halt then look at my mother then my eyes snap open. I cup my mouth using both hands as my heart pace started to drum inside my rib cage.

I was thinking about Hyukkie when I and mom were talking about dad's party. What the hell I was thinking?!

"No..nothing mom. Really not important. Just..just...nothing." I randomly blabber and shake my hands as if it was really unimportant to talk about.

"Okay go back. About your dad...."

While my mom continues talking to me my mind once again fly somewhere else but this time I am well-aware.

Not too long I found myself alone, my mom probably left me for not listening to her, I didn't even know that she already left. How can Hyukkie makes me like this?

Hyukkie? How?

It was the day when my mind started to feel dizzy by just thinking about my bestfriend. It was so scared at first. I was puzzled, too. For how I felt and for what the things I was thinking. Confused for everything. It was really strange to think about your bestfriend. Specially when you crave to see and touch him so badly. It gave me sleepless nights. Creepy feelings when I got close to him. I thought I was sick, suffering from a severe disease without any remedee. But then I know by myself that I was in denial stage.

"Hae! Let's hang out tonight?" Hyukkie goes sits beside me with that gummy smile on his face. I smile back and nod for answering I am in.

"Okay Hyukkie." I grin cheekily. I will spend my night with him, so I am happy.

"What do you want to do? Where do you want to go?" As usual Hyukkie will give me the priviledge to decide everything. He always like that. Thinking about me before himself.

"I don't want to go somewhere else Hyukkie. Dad bought me new playstation, wanna play?" I know he will agree he always agrees to me. But I still ask.

"Okay, your house tonight then." Hyukkie declared without any bit of disappointement or hesitation.

"Thanks Hyukkie."

Hyukkie looks at me, gives me one more smile and ruffles my hair. "Such a kid."

My heart pounds again, and I feel weird inside my stomach like I will puke in no time.

What is this?

His hand on my head. Why so sudden it felt different?

What is this feeling?

The night comes and Hyukkie is in my room, beside me, holding the game control using both hands as his eyes focus on the big screen in front of us. While me, here beside him, not so far from him, my hands are on my cheeks, arms rested on my folded knees as my eyes focus on his face. I can't help but mesmerize his features, love his expressions, and smile when he whispers different curses. I can't help myself. I can't avert my eyes. I can't move away. I can't stop my pounding heart. I can't breathe normally. I just. I just can't. I am so helpless..

I can't even speak.

Hyukkie please stay away.

"Hae? What's wrong?" I unconsciously shut my eyes close and burry my face on my folded knees then shake my head. "Nothing Hyukkie. I am just really tired." I answer, thankful that I didn't stutter.

"Let's go sleep now then. You should take a rest." His tone. That tone I always hear from him whenever I get sick and whenever I get down. That tone is full of concern.

Hyukkie pats my head. "Com'on Hae. Let's go." I nod and slowly stand up with Hyukkie's help. Hyukkie turn off the TV and arrange the game controls on the floor afterwards we go to my bed for two and take our sides. Hyukkie is in my left.

"Hae, next time tell me if you are feeling sick. So you can have a rest."

I look at his side and nod. "Okay Hyukkie. Sorry."

Hyukkie chuckles and look at me as well.

"Don't be silly Hae. Go sleep now, sleepyhead." Hyukkie once again tease me. But it just made me go bloomy inside.

"Good night Hyukkie."

"Good night Hae."

Hyukkie falls asleeps so fast. While me. I can't. Hyukkie beside me so near to me. In my bed. How can I get my sleep then? I have this urge to feel his warm against my skin, to feel his big arms wrap around me, to hear his heart beats against my ears, to sleep inside his embrace. These fantasies of mine. I am scared, so scared.

At last I fall asleep with my struggling heart along with my teary eyes.

Days and weeks have passed, my feelings haven't lessen instead it becoming worst. I am very thankful that I can still hold these feelings, that I can still hide this from him, that I still can manage not to ruin our friendship. I have become worst. My feelings just bloom everytime I see him. My feelings just multiply whenever I touch him. I am just falling so deep. Deep. Very deep. Like no one could ever find out that I fall from that deep hole. Where I am .

.going to be imprison forever.

Luckly, Hyukkie seems not noticing anything. No one but myself. Yes, I already know what these feelings are. I am in love. Unfortunately, this love is unrequited. I never thought that someday I will be in this kind of state. That someday I'll be feel this way. That someday I'll be experience being in one sided love. I have thought before that this kind of scenarios are just in dramas and fictions but I never thought to be in this situation.

I don't know anymore. I am so afraid of what things will happen when Hyukkie finds out. I am so scared too for the things might happen now, later, tomorrow, after tomorrow, the next next day and the for the days to come. I am really afraid, specially about what Hyukkie will react on it. Will he hate me? Will he feel disgust of me? Will he dump me? I know that his reaction will be one of those or all of those rather.

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Another years passed so fast. My intuition is far from good. It is so bad. So worst. I can't even look at him in the eyes anymore. I still hide this unrequited feelings from everyone. I keep it at the bottom of my heart where no one could ever see.

But I have become even worst. I can't anymore. I can't hide this anymore. It so hard to keep. To hide. To pretend. Specially when Hyukkie...

When Hyukkie went out with someone else.

So painful.

So tormenting.

But I can't do anything but let him.

I am so hopeless.

I feel jealous. Insecure. I feel bad. I feel awful. And sometimes I feel to be selfish. I want Hyukkie to always be by my side. I want my bestfriend's attention all of me. I want him to only cling to me. I don't want him to smile like that to others. I don't want girls touching him. I hate it when they get his attention. I hate everything that makes him go out without me. I hate this. I hate this selfishness eating me. I hate being like this yet I can't do anything to stop feeling this way.

This is so hard. I can't take this longer anymore.

"Hae do you have any plan for tonight?" I am beside of my bestfriend inside of our classroom. I look down and shake my head. Here he goes again. Asking if I am free and will invite me to join him with those girls who invited him to go out every friday night.

"That's great! Let's go hang out tonight, let's have fun!" How excited you can be huh Hyukkie? I thought. I want to refuse his offer but I don't want him to go out alone with those girls, I am afraid that they will do something. I am so afraid that Hyukkie will do something with them. So I have to go and look for Hyukkie. Although it makes me break iniside.

"Where are we going this time?" Hyukkie asks to the three girls and two boys who lead our way. I am beside him, gripping his shirt like a kid who doesn't want to be lost from his parent. This seems to be a triple date, if I am not here. The thought of it makes me wanna puke, Hyukkie in a date without me? I can't. I can't imagine. Hurt to imagine.

"This time is a bit different Hyukjae." The man in a big jacket spoke. "Yes it is." The other man agreed. "Tonight is.... Club time."

I stop from walking that made Hyukjae looks at me questioningly. "What's wrong Hae?"

"Hyu..hyukkie." I bite my inner cheek as my head bow down. "Let's go back." My voice is trembling.

"What? Hae? What's wrong? Are you not feeling well?" Hyukkie lifts my face to face him and I see his worried features.

"Please Hyukkie. Let's go home." I sound selfish. Aren't I?I close my eyes and my grip on his shirt tighten as he nods to reply. I hear him fetching out something inside of his jeans pocket then clicking sounds follow. Suddenly my heart skip a beat for a second when Hyukjae takes me forward.

Hyukkie? But I thought we will go back.

Hyukkie still lugges me forward, until we are just a meter away from the others.

"Guys..." Hyukjae called out.

The girl in a pink skirt look back to us. "Saying something Hyukjae oppa?"

"I am sorry but I think I and Donghae won't be go this time."

Huh?

"Why?" The other girl in dress asks right away.

"I just received a message from my sister that she needs me to pick her up from airport and I can't say no to that." Hyukjae takes out his phone for them to see.

"Why so sudden?"

"She wants us to be surprised. Well that is what I assumed."

"Okay. But you don't have to bring Donghae with you."

I feel my self becoming weaker, Hyukkie helps me not to fall down. Hyukkie don't leave me here.

"I am sorry but I won't go without him. We will go now. Just have fun without us."

The 5 of them sigh in disappointment and without any word coming from them Hyukkie turns around with me and walks way back to the previous way we took earlier. I let out a long sigh.

"Hyukkie you lied."

"Well yes."

"But why?"

"Just an excuse."

"Thanks Hyukkie."

"It is okay hae. I was planning to do that too, but you made me do it earlier that I planned."

"Huh? Do what?"

"To turn them down tonight."

"Why Hyukkie?"

Hyukkie's right arm goes over to my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. No. Not like a couple way. Not what those lovers do. More likely the way siblings do.

Yet it made me melt inside.

"Club is not suit for you Hae. I won't allow anyone to bring you there."

The reasons why I fall.

"You are too innocent for that place."

You cared for me too much.

"If they insist to go there again."

You are so kind to me.

"I won't hesitate to turn them down."

You made me felt loved.

"If they force you to go with them."

I couldn't wish for more.<