Sometimes, I can't help but worry that anyone of the random strangers I meet might be my soulmate, and I'm missing our only chance to ever meet.

-Deep Dark Fears Series

I was looking at the pictures on my tablet when I realized that it’s dark outside and I was in the middle of nowhere –oh heck, I was in Japan and I just passed through Nagoya. Warm air embraced me instead of the cold weather at the beginning of spring. I saw the people around me, there were nothing but five people in this bus: the driver, assistant driver, a mom and her child, and me.

I was a light sleeper, but travelling at night terrified me. The thought of dying while sleeping and not knowing what happened before my death made my body activated its survival needs. No matter how many sleeping pills I took, I would be wide awake. It’s tiring actually, because I barely slept today. I really needed some sleep because I still had things to do tomorrow morning.

I guess I would guzzle cups of coffees later.

I frantically touched my iPod out of boredom, hoping that I missed a song, an email or something, but to no avail. I had no games to play anymore and I almost memorized all the lyrics of the songs in my phone. . I looked out from the window. Even though it’s dark outside, there were still some street lights and I could see Sakura trees blossomed. Its petals would scatter everywhere and cover the ground. The scent of cherry blossom added the romance that was there in the air.

Of course there’s romance everywhere; Valentine’s Day had just passed and some happy couples were still enjoying the blossoming love. Well, except for me and some other lovefools out there. I guessed I would eat Jjajangmyun again this year.

This would be my… Fourth Jjajangmyun.

And that meant that I had been single for four years.

No, no.

This year would be my sixth year being single. Since the failure of my first relationship, I never had a real one. With Daesung Hyung? It’s just me and my thought. He never looked at me as a man anyway. He only thought of me as a dongsaeng he never had. In his eyes, I was only a cute boy who needed some love; and he had so much love that he showered me with that.

I would never be a man he could love.

It’s hard to pretend that the love was never there when it’s really obvious. I guessed he’s a blind man.

***

“Hyung, what if I love you as a man to his crush, not as a dongsaeng to his hyung?”

The park was crowded with people who came to do Hanami. We’re sitting on a bench together. He was holding his hot chocolate. Some pink petals were on his platinum blonde hair. There were no feminine features on his body –he had abs and built body structure, thanks to his mother who had made him lifting heavy rolls of fabrics- but he was like a graceful princess. It might be only a minute or so when I was waiting for his answer, but it felt like centuries had passed but he just sit there quietly, looking to a faraway.

“Daesung Hyung? Did you hear me?” I called him.

He turned his face to look at me. “I heard you clearly.”

I gulped. “So?”

“I think you know the answer, Sun-chan.” He gave a warm smile to me. “And I don’t have to answer it with words, do I?”

It’s not the harsh words that hurt me, it’s his love that did. His heart was not mine, but here I was, giving my heart that I knew would be his forever. This time I was the one who turned my face from him, looking above to the clear sky and hoping that the tears stayed still. I used all my strength to act like it was nothing.

“Sun-chan?”

His voice was almost nearing to break the wall I built to hold my tears.

“Sun-chan are you okay?”

“I- I am Hyung.” I wasn’t.

“You’re stuttering.”

“Was I?” I forced a smile on my face.

“I am sorry.” He’s trying to hold my hand that was on my thigh, but I unconsciously pulled it out. Maybe because I reacted to his rejection. I could see that he was surprised.

Realizing that it was a bad move, I held his hands. “Eii Hyung. It’s a joke, you know. I couldn’t ask for more love from you. You’re my Hyung who loves me like his own dongsaeng, aren’t you?”

People said that eyes are the window to look inside someone’s heart and he did look at me deeply. This time, I crossed my fingers, hoping that I did a good job to hide what’s inside my heart.

“Sun-chan, you know, if we did have a relationship and then we broke up, we couldn’t be as good as now. No matter how good the break-up was, even though we pretended that we were okay, a break-up is a break-up and there would be hearts that scattered. You, Sun-chan, is the second last person whose heart I would break, after my mom.”

“Why did you think about break-up even before the relationship started?”

“I just…” He hung his head low and played with his fingers. “I don’t know, Sun-chan. You have a handsome face, you’re genius, you… Y-you’re too perfect for me!”

“Then be it! I will be the perfect one for you!” I snapped to him.

He just stayed silent.

I stood up and squatted in front of him. With my right hand, I lifted his chin. “You’re just making excuses, right?”

“Sun-chan, listen. I will be back to Seoul as soon as possible because I have to help my mom, leaving you here. Long distance relationship won’t work for us. I am the clingy one and looking back at your previous relationship, you will need to see me every day. How will this work out? We’ll be frustrated as we could not cuddle with each other, meet each other, or do everything together. Last but not least, Sun-chan, you have ju