June, 2015

 

‘You know what, we’re done here.’

 

Clang.

 

There goes their one year anniversary ring.

 

As the ring falls, it bounces off the wooden floor from the forceful impact, and something snaps inside Mingyu.

 

‘Jeon Wonwoo, what do you think you’re doing?!’ His voice is raised another level, loud and clear.

 

‘What do you think I’m doing?’ The other male replies, voice calm and confident. ‘I’m throwing our ring away. I’m throwing our relationship away. Is that better? Was it not obvious enoug-’

 

His voice is cut off when Mingyu’s hands are up against his neck, pushing slamming him against the wall with so much power, he can feel himself crumbling under the hold. Hands shooting up almost immediately, he tries prying the other’s hands off of him, thinking it’s possible because hey, we’re around the same height so why not?

 

But oh, is he wrong.

 

For a start, Mingyu is obviously taller.

 

The hands circling his neck tightens, choking him; Wonwoo swears he can feel his windpipe being squeezed close, his cries for help slurring into small whimpers.

 

Mingyu’s eyes are different now; the look in his eyes is no longer warm and loving like when they were in love, it’s no longer careful nor alarmed like when they were arguing, careful not to say something he would regret, and now all Wonwoo can see is darkness. Darkness from anger, darkness from jealousy, darkness from finally letting his emotions free; Mingyu isn’t himself anymore, he feels himself changing into a completely different person and Mingyu’s scared, he truly is.

 

The taller gives the other’s neck a small squeeze and Wonwoo is sure he’s going to die any second now; he silently prays to himself as he had long stopped struggling under Mingyu’s hold.

 

Eyes close and arms limp, Mingyu notices how pale Wonwoo lips are now; he notices how Wonwoo’s bottom lips are quivering ever so slightly, barely noticeable, and Mingyu can’t help but lust over those lips because my god are they tasty.

 

The hold loosens and Wonwoo eyes shoot open, a breathe is let out way too fast as he quickly shoves Mingyu’s hands off his neck. He tries to catch his breath, breathing fast as he hunches over, a hand on his knee to support his body, the other on his neck.

 

All he wants now is for it all to be over.

 

All he needs now is for Mingyu to leave.

 

Mingyu just needs to turn around, open that door, leave and everything will be over. It would be over for them and that is all Wonwoo wants tonight.

 

It doesn’t matter what he wants tomorrow (Wonwoo will let himself rot with regrets the next day but not right now.), he desperately needs it all to end, right now.

 

Though when he feels Mingyu taking a step closer, he doesn’t flinch or take a step back. Maybe it’s from the exhaustion of fighting all day, maybe it’s from the lack of strength from skipping his lunch. Wonwoo isn’t sure anymore, but all he knows now is that he has nothing he wants to do with Mingyu. Nothing.

 

(Though a tiny, tiny part of Wonwoo knows, he knows he didn’t flinch or take a step back because all he wants, all he needs now is for Mingyu to put a hand on his back and rubs small circles on it, assuring him that everything is okay and it was an accident and he didn’t mean to hurt him and-)

 

Bang.

 

‘Wonwoo, just because I try to keep my cool with you, it doesn’t mean I’m okay with the way you’re acting nowadays.’

 

Wonwoo’s back is pressed against the wall once again; this time around, the other’s hands are on his shoulders, pinning him up as his eyes are staring straight into Wonwoo’s brown orbs.

 

Wonwoo hates this.

 

He hates the violence their fights always end with; he hates being pinned against the wall, he hates being the weaker one and he hates being physically hurt by the one person he loves the most.

 

Because no matter how much he hates this and how much he wants to end it all for good, he always finds himself crawling back to Mingyu. Always.

 

‘Mingyu stop-’

 

Wonwoo hates the fact that his voice comes out as a whimper.

 

‘You think you can throw our ring around and then come back to me, knowing that I’ll take you back no matter what?’ Mingyu’s voice is full of hatred now, spitting venom with every single word he utters.

 

(But why, why is his voice so melodic to Wonwoo’s ears?)

 

‘Mingyu, pleas-’

 

Wonwoo’s shoulders are pushed a little harder, the pressure pressing him into the wall makes him think that his body will be imprinted on this wall.

 

‘Well you know what, this time, I’m done with you.’ Wonwoo’s heart drops. ‘No more make up , no more sappy apologies, no more us.’

 

And the next second Mingyu is gone.

 

Just like that, gone.

 

Even after months of trying to get over Mingyu, Wonwoo has not even once run into the other at the supermarket, at the cinema, at school.

 

Mingyu had just disappeared like that, gone and never again in Wonwoo’s sight.

 

But hey, it sure makes the ‘getting-over-your-ex’ process a whole lot easier.

 

—

 

December, 2014

 

This is a beautiful lie.

 

It was Christmas, 2014 and in the small apartment stood a tall Christmas tree, ornaments hung neatly on every branch. The tree was wrapped with a string of christmas lights, flashing red and green as it lit up the whole room.

 

Though there was one thing missing.

 

‘Kim Mingyu! Hurry up and get your out here!’

 

‘God dammit, can’t you just wait for two seconds,’ A half Mingyu made his way out from the bathroom, hair still wet as his towel hung dangerously low around his waist. ‘I couldn’t even get dressed!’

 

Wonwoo on the other hand had the brightest smile plastered onto his face, hand clutching onto the plastic golden star.

 

‘Mingu Mingu, come on!’ Wonwoo whined, pouting a little as he beckoned his boyfriend over with the star ornament.

 

Chuckling, Mingyu pecked his boyfriend’s lips before holding onto the other’s hand.

 

‘I still don’t know why we do this every year, you can put it up there yoursel-’

 

‘God, how many times have I tell you this!’ Wonwoo sighed, looking up at the other with a small frown. ‘It’s our tradition! Our Christmas tree will only be completed when we both place the star on the top together!’

 

Mingyu felt kinda bad for saying what he’s about to when he knew he shouldn’t have, looking at Wonwoo’s hopeful expression.

 

‘You do realize this is really stupid right?’ He noticed Wonwoo’s expression darkening; he noticed the spark in Wonwoo’s eyes become dull, the small frown becoming an obvious upside down smile, all hope gone. ‘C’mon, I mean, we’re both over 180, we’re both adults, isn’t this too childish?’

 

Did I say those things without even meaning it?

 

‘But Mingyu,’ Wonwoo let out a sigh before continuing, ‘It’s what we’ve been doing for the past two years-’

 

‘That’s because you’ve been insisting on doing so!’

 

‘Yeah, so we should keep our tradition! It’s fun-’

 

‘Wonwoo, it’s a waste of time!’

 

It was an unexpected line that led to the next chapter.

 

Mingyu could feel Wonwoo’s fist beneath his own, clenching tightly around the golden star.

 

As if all hell broke loose, Wonwoo yanked his hand out of the other’s grip, the golden star flying across the room and ending up shattered into million of golden specks across the floor.

 

‘Mingyu. Take. That. Back.’

 

You told me to take back the words I spit out.

 

Mingyu stared at the other in silence.

 

‘I said, take that back!’

 

This isn’t the future I thought of.

 

‘Wonw-’

 

‘Mingyu, take it back right now or I swear I’m leaving.’

 

‘I-’ Mingyu opened his mouth but nothing came out, his throat frozen with too many things to say.

 

Wonwoo let his arms drop in despair as he his heel, ready to leave the room as he was seconds away from exploding. When his hand made contact with the cold doorknob though, he felt himself being pulled back forcefully; his back making contact with the wall with a small thud, Mingyu now inches away from him.

 

Normally in situations like this, all Wonwoo could think of was kissing Mingyu; this time though, the stone cold look Mingyu had in his eyes scared Wonwoo. Wonwoo was genuinely scared of the person in front of him because he wasn’t sure he knew this person anymore.

 

Wonwoo’s thin wrists were pressed down securely beside his body; Mingyu gained the upper hand in this as the taller was a lot stronger.

 

‘M-Ming-’

 

Wonwoo’s breath hitched when he felt Mingyu inching closer, grip tightening; at first, Mingyu made sure he was holding the older down just enough so he couldn’t fight back, but not enough to hurt him. Mingyu wasn’t so sure anymore.

 

‘M-Mingyu, l-let go-’

 

Mingyu’s lips were only seconds away from touching Wonwoo’s now, but all Wonwoo could focus on was the stinging pain around his wrist.

 

‘Mingyu, please, you’re hurting me-’

 

As I replay your face when you screamed go away.

 

‘Mingyu, stop!’ Wonwoo screamed, voice full of desperation. ‘You’re scaring me, Mingyu, please!’

 

…

 

As if those were the magic words, the grip on Wonwoo’s wrist loosened and Mingyu’s eyes were no longer stone cold; Mingyu’s eyes were now filled with worries and regrets and he wasn’t sure how things escalated but this, this wasn’t what he wanted to happen.

 

‘W-Wonwoo, I’m sorry I-’

 

‘Don’t,’ Wonwoo’s shoulders drooped and his body was giving up on him. ‘It’s okay.’ (No, no it’s not.)

 

‘Won-’

 

‘We’re okay.’ (No, no we’re really not.)

 

I’m a beautiful liar.

 

—

 

February, 2015

 

Today, I have something to tell you

 

‘Bahahaha, Soonyoung what the hell!’ A laughing Wonwoo exclaimed, nose crinkling and eyes shut from laughing too hard as he repeatedly smacked his friend. ‘How many times do I have to tell you, a jelly-fish dance is not going to get you first place in the talent show!’

 

‘Ehe~’ Soonyoung smiled, his eyes disappeared as he looked at the other longingly. ‘Ok, maybe it won’t. But hey, at least I made you laugh!’

 

Not even thinking about the fact that Soonyoung had just admitted defeat (because Kwon Soonyoung never admit defeat), Wonwoo paused, trying to process in his head what the other had just mentioned. Awkwardly scratching his head, Wonwoo looked to his feet with a small smile.

 

‘Oh shut up, Soonyoung…’

 

‘Hm?’ Leaning forward and dodging down to look at Wonwoo properly in the eyes (personal space, Kwon Soonyoung!), Soonyoung’s smile became even bigger as he poked the other’s cheek. ‘Eyyyy, is that how you’re thanking me?’

 

Backing away a little, Wonwoo played with the sleeves of his sweater as he mumbled-

 

‘Um, guys?’ A rather flustered Mingyu walked towards the two friends, hands carrying a red tray filled with the food the trio had ordered moments ago.

 

Squishing in between the two on one bench (‘It’s cold! Let’s get cozy~’), Mingyu settled the tray onto the table, still a little uncertain about how he should feel from seeing what had happened between his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s best friend.

 

Sensing the awkwardness, Soonyoung decided to break the silence as he waved the french fry around, a big smile plastered on his face, ‘What are we waiting for, let’s eat, guys!’

 

Returning the smile, the couple started eating along with the other, the tense feeling between Wonwoo and Mingyu still there. Noticing his best friend’s expression, Soonyoung let out a small sigh under his breathe as he decided that he’d had enough.

 

‘Jeon Wonwoo~’ Cooing at the other as if Mingyu wasn’t even there, Soonyoung grabbed a handful of fries and stuffed it into Wonwoo’s face before the other could react.

 

With his mouth stuffed, Wonwoo couldn’t even let out the string of curse words he had in mind when he saw Soonyoung laughing his off. Chewing the food as fast as he could, he grabbed the small plate filled with ketchup and chucked it across, landing right onto Soonyoung’s white shirt.

 

In case you grew far away, in case you disappeared.

 

(Sitting in the middle, Mingyu didn’t really know whether to join in or just sit still.)

 

With his jaws wide open, declaring war on the other as if they weren’t two grown ups in public, Soonyoung managed to get his hand on the mustard-filled plate that Wonwoo had desperately tried to move away from him. Cheekily, Soonyoung furrowed his eyebrows as he pouted and mumbled, ‘But I want this with my fries.’

 

Eyes small and full of suspicion, Wonwoo finally decided against his instinct and passed the mustard, only to have it flying back at him and landing directly on his lips.

 

‘Oh my ing god! Kwon Soonyoung, you know I hate mustard!’

 

‘Catch me if you can, catch me if you can~’ Soonyoung was already out of his seat, climbing out the other side so he wouldn’t have to pass by Mingyu and Wonwoo as he sprinted across the mall.

 

‘I swear, you’re dead when I get to you!’ Wonwoo groaned, cleaning the mustard off before chasing down his target.

 

(Though Mingyu did see the smile Wonwoo had on his face.)

 

I pretended not to see and closed my eyes.

 

Left alone on the table, Mingyu let out the sigh he was keeping in for awhile now as he poked at the remaining ketchup with his fry.

 

You were in love with someone else.

 

‘Kwon Soonyoung, get back here!’

 

‘Run faster, slow poke!’

 

But I just wanted you to stay by my side.

 

—

 

March, 2015

 

Day by day, you grew farther away.

 

‘Wonwoo?’ A groggy Mingyu called out, rubbing his eyes as he got out of bed and wandered out to the living room, trying to find his boyfriend.

 

His brows furrowed when he saw his boyfriend running around the small apartment, moving around vases, tissue boxes and even chairs.

 

‘Wonwoo, why are you redecorating our place?’

 

‘Stop overreacting, I’m just cleaning up!’ Wonwoo answered, slight annoyance in his voice as he continued, ‘Oh yeah, get dressed properly too? Soonyoung’s coming.’

 

Soonyoung.

 

Soonyoung’s coming.

 

…

 

‘Why is Soonyoung coming over?’ It may have came out a little more bitter than Mingyu had wanted.

 

‘Because he’s my friend?’ Wonwoo stopped, turning to Mingyu with a blank face.

 

‘Hm, okay then.’ Shrugging it off and trying to stay positive, Mingyu made his way to Wonwoo as he wrapped his arms around the other from behind, chin resting on top of the other’s head.

 

Though what happened next really wasn’t what Mingyu had expected.

 

‘Stop,’ Wonwoo mumbled, pushing the other’s arms off of him as he made his way towards to the kitchen, ‘Just go get changed.’

 

It hurts that I can’t even hold you in my arms.

 

Frozen in his spot, Mingyu stared at the other with big eyes, the hurt written on his face as clear as day light. Finally snapping out of his daze when he realized the other wasn’t going to stop cleaning, he sighed and made his way towards his bedroom.

 

I’ll be okay, I’ll grow indifferent.

 

‘Wonu!~’ Soonyoung’s voice bombarded the quiet apartment, the cheerfulness radiating across the room.

 

‘Soooon~’ Wonwoo smiled brightly, eyes disappearing as he gave his best friend a hug, ignoring Mingyu’s stiff expression.

 

‘Hey Mingyu!’ Soonyoung smiled, his arms wide open to give the other a hug.

 

‘Hey.’ Returning the hug out of politeness, Mingyu managed to crack a smile at the intruder other.

 

It’ll just pass.

 

The trio settled themselves on the sofa, eyes glued to the TV screen as Soonyoung’s favourite horror movie was playing, a bowl of cheddar popcorn (Soonyoung’s favourite) in Wonwoo’s lap as he sat between Mingyu and Soonyoung.

 

‘Soonyoung, tell me again why you like these kind of movies?’ Wonwoo mumbled, hands shaky as he tried not to drop the bowl.

 

‘Hey, it’s pretty damn good!’ Soonyoung exclaimed, stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth. ‘Though scaredy cats like you won’t get it~’

 

‘Hey! I am not scared of th- OH MY GOD WH-‘

 

The rest of Wonwoo’s curses were muffled in Soonyoung’s shirt as Wonwoo had managed to toss the bowl into Mingyu’s lap, clinging onto Soonyoung’s arm.

 

(Soonyoung this, Soonyoung that, Mingyu was seriously getting sick of this.)

 

It’s alright, because I love you more.

 

Mingyu was seconds away from exploding because his boyfriend had literally just fallen into the arms of another man. And Mingyu was literally right next to him when it happened.

 

Gritting his teeth as his knuckles turned white, Mingyu slammed the bowl onto the glass table, surprising both Wonwoo and Soonyoung; the two had only now realized what had just happened, all too late to fix now when Mingyu stormed out of the apartment, fuming as his face turned red.

 

I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t me.

 

That night though, Mingyu returned to an empty apartment (Wonwoo did left a note saying he left to have dinner with Soonyoung though.)

 

‘Jeon Wonwoo, what am I to you now?…’

 

And that night, Mingyu was left sleeping alone in the bed made for two.

 

Day by day, you grew farther away.

 

—

 

May, 2015

 

‘Mingyu, are you done?!’ Wonwoo exclaimed from outside, luggage ready by the door. ‘C’mon! Soonyoung’s waiting!’

 

Look at me.

 

‘One minute!’ Mingyu yelled back, trying to fit all of his clothes into his backpack; man, he really should’ve listened to Wonwoo and packed the day before.

 

Standing by the bedroom door, Wonwoo let out a small chuckle as he walked over to the other. ‘I told you to pack yesterday.’ He mumbled softly, carefully folding the pile of clothes and fitting them into the backpack with ease.

 

‘Here you go, all better.’ Wonwoo handed the other his now full backpack, smiling warmly (Mingyu tried recalling when the last time Wonwoo had smile to him was.)

 

‘Thanks.’ Giving the other a soft peck on the cheek, Mingyu returned the smile as he swung the backpack onto his shoulder, all ready and excited for their trip to Busan-

 

‘Guys! Hurry up!’ Soonyoung’s voice resonated throughout the room.

 

(Right, Mingyu almost forgot Soonyoung was also on this trip.)

 

‘Alright alright, we’re coming!’ Running off to where his best friend was, Mingyu was once again left alone in the room.

 

Sighing, Mingyu followed the other, making his way towards the car they would be traveling in.

 

Even sleeping and breathing is hard.

 

Mingyu had his headphones in the whole car ride, watching the two friends joking around in front with distaste.

 

Despite the fact that Soonyoung knew Wonwoo belonged to Mingyu, Mingyu still thought the older was trying to steal his boyfriend but whenever Mingyu tried to talk about it, Wonwoo would either change the topic or the two would end up arguing.

 

I won’t ask anymore.

 

The trio spent a full 3 days 2 night at Busan, enjoying the warm sand as they played in the sea; well, mostly just Wonwoo and Soonyoung played. Whenever Mingyu tried to get some alone time with Wonwoo, Soonyoung would always in, or Wonwoo would always make up an excuse and run off to Soonyoung again.

 

Mingyu was seriously having a hard time remembering that Wonwoo was his.

 

The last night they spent in Busan though, Mingyu had gathered all of his courage and confronted Wonwoo.

 

‘C’mon, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m trying to say here.’ Mingyu said, voice stern, anger bubbling underneath the surface. ‘You’ve literally been around him for the past, I don’t know, 4 months?!’

 

‘Mingyu, stop.’ Wonwoo sighed, rubbing his temples. ‘Soonyoung and I are obviously just friends! Stop being jealous over nothing.’

 

I won’t hope anymore.

 

‘Nothing?!’ Mingyu exclaimed, surprised and angry. ‘Are you kidding me?! You literally jumped into his arms when I was next to you! Don’t even say it was because you were scared because even if you were, you’re supposed to know that you shouldn’t jump into another man’s arms with your boyfriend right next to you! And-‘

 

‘Mingyu, stop!’ Wonwoo groaned. ‘You know what, this isn’t even worth arguing over anymore. You’re just being overly jealous and I’m sick of it now.’

 

Grabbing his jacket, Wonwoo headed straight to the door.

 

‘I’m heading over to Soonyoung’s room until you calm down and get your head straight.’

 

Thank you.

 

The next morning though, Wonwoo was back to Mingyu’s side as if their argument had never happened, as if he didn’t spend a night together with his best friend when his boyfriend was in the room right across theirs.

 

‘Let’s just forget what happened, okay?’ Wonwoo asked, looking at Mingyu with big, hopeful eyes.

 

(Though Mingyu didn’t miss the hint of guilt in the other’s eyes.)

 

I won’t forget anything.

 

‘Okay.’

 

—

 

July, 2015

 

I’ll try getting over you day by day.

 

It’s been a month since their break up and Mingyu doesn’t know whether he should be happy or sad that it’s really over now.

 

No missed calls, no sappy texts, no nothing.

 

Mingyu feels empty inside because he was so sure that Wonwoo would always come back to him. Things really aren’t looking good for Mingyu; the boy had locked himself inside the back room of his work place for days now, telling his boss that he’s just staying back to work late.

 

It’s not like he has nowhere to go, Mingyu just isn’t ready to be bombarded with questions from his friends and judging looks from Jihoon (‘Stop complaining, you two are so dramatic.’). He doesn’t want to be faced with questions he can’t answer yet, and staying back at work seems a whole lot better.

 

‘Mingyu, come on.’ His boss has been knocking on the door for awhile now, ‘Get out of there and go home. I don’t know what’s going on with you but I’m not letting you overwork yourself again.’

 

‘Hyung-’

 

‘Just go home, Mingyu.’

 

Mingyu hears footsteps and he’s sure his boss has left. Cracking the door open, Mingyu is met with an empty office. Sighing, Mingyu manages to drag himself out of the place and man, fresh air sure feels good. His positive thought can’t last longer than even a minute.

 

It’ll be obvious, it’ll hurt.

 

On the street, Mingyu is met with the sight of couples walking along the pavement, hand in hand with big smiles plastered across their faces.

 

Wonwoo and I used to do that.

 

Shaking his head, Mingyu takes in a deep breath before making his way down the road, no specific destination; all Mingyu needs now is to walk it all off, walk around until he forgets everything about Wonwoo.

 

Walking step by step, head hanging low to prevent himself from seeing anymore couples, Mingyu bumps into a few people and all he can do is mumble a small ‘sorry’ and walk off before anyone can talk to him. Mingyu’s head is filled with Wonwoo; Wonwoo this, Wonwoo that, Mingyu hates it.

 

Mingyu hates the fact that he knows Wonwoo like the back of his hand. Mingyu hates remembering the fact that Wonwoo scratches his neck when he’s shy and how Wonwoo always keeps his head down, playing with the sleeves of his sweater when he’s nervous.

 

Mingyu hates it all.

 

Mingyu hates Wonwoo for this.

 

It hurts, it hurts.

 

—

 

September, 2015

 

Do you remember back then?

 

‘Mingyu hyung!’

 

‘Kim Mingyu!’

 

‘Mingyu?’

 

‘Hyung.’

 

Mingyu sits with his back against the bathroom door, knuckles white as he feels fists punching on the door behind him.

 

‘Mingyu, I swear you better not be doing anything stupid in there!’

 

In his left hand lays a shattered picture frame, glass all over the bathroom tiles from the previous event; the picture that once occupied the frame is torn into pieces, each piece lays jumbled up on the floor.

 

The whole bathroom is a mess. Glass and torn paper occupy the room, blue pills spilt all over the white tiles. Mingyu himself is a mess; his hair tousled and his eyes red from the lack of sleep (definitely not from crying his eyes out every night in silence.) Mingyu sighs, finally having enough of the constant kicking and punching behind him. the sentences demanding his name are punctuated with curse words, and it’s all too loud.

 

‘Guys, I’m fine.’ Mingyu lies, wiping the tears off his face as he holds himself up in front of the mirror, hands on the sink.

 

The voices outside are all mixing together and Mingyu is too focused on his reflection to hear anything. All Mingyu can see now is a broken person; Mingyu doesn’t want to be broken.

 

In the mirror stands a puffy eyed Mingyu, eyes bloodshot and cheeks sunken in, his dark circles show the lack of sleep he’s been dealing with lately. The boy can’t remember the last time he had a peaceful sleep, a sleep that doesn’t include him waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares. All Mingyu has been dreaming of is their breakup.

 

Staring at himself, Mingyu can feel the anger bubbling inside of him.

 

No.

 

No, no, no.

 

Mingyu’s knuckles turns white as his fists clench tightly together.

 

I don’t need him.

 

Mingyu grits his teeth.

 

I’m not affected by this.

 

I don’t need him to feel okay.

 

I don’t-

 

‘Urgh!’ Mingyu lets out a frustrated scream before throwing his fist at the mirror, shattering it from the force; all of his anger was stored into that one punch, all the anger for feeling so, so weak over a boy.

 

‘Kim Mingyu!’

 

Mingyu lets himself fall, back against the wall as he holds onto his bleeding hand, the pain still isn’t enough to overcome the pain he feels in his chest. He lets the tears fall freely, pressing his forehead against his curled up legs. Mingyu hugs himself, trying to feel safe in his own embrace; he tries to convince himself he doesn’t need Wonwoo’s hug to feel okay, he tries to tell himself Wonwoo is nothing but the past.

 

Who are you kidding, Mingyu?

 

Mingyu rocks back and forth, tear-stained face as he hums a song, trying to calm himself down.

 

‘I don’t need Wonwoo… I don’t need Wonwoo…’

 

His nerves are finally calming down, and his eyes catch the piece of torn paper, facing upwards and showing the two happy faces of Mingyu and Wonwoo, all soaked as they stand in front of the railings of Namsan tower, filled with different lockets.

 

The night it rained.

 

The day that picture was taken, Wonwoo had managed to drag Mingyu outside that night, making the other take a break from work to spend some time with his boyfriend. It didn’t take long to convince him though, as a kiss from a pouty Wonwoo was all it took for Mingyu to shut his laptop and let himself be dragged outside.

 

The two ended up at Namsan tower and spent a lot more money than they should’ve; Wonwoo was too excited to go outside with his boyfriend after a while and forgot to take the umbrella with them so they ended up buying a new one (the one at the souvenir store was way overpriced.) Mingyu already wanted to go home when the first thunder roared, signally the oncoming rain but Wonwoo wouldn’t leave until they got their newly bought locket onto the railings.

 

‘God dammit, Wonwoo, get back here before you catch a cold!’

 

Mingyu found himself running after a giddy Wonwoo, sprinting into the rain without a single care as he tried finding a perfect spot for their locket. After while, Wonwoo stood under Mingyu’s umbrella with a big smile, holding the locket out so the two could lock it together.

 

‘C’mon, it won’t work if I’m the only one who locks it!’

 

‘But-’

 

‘No buts!’

 

Pouting, Mingyu muttered a little ‘fine’ as he failed to hide his smile, holding the umbrella in his other hand as he locked the locket onto the railings of Namsan tower together with his boyfriend.

 

‘We need a confirmation picture!’

 

‘Wonwoo, it’s raining like -’

 

‘I don’t care.’

 

The two snapped a selfie besides their own locket though the picture was mostly just them being soaked by the rain, smiling like idiots under the night sky.

 

‘This means you’re locked to me now, Kim Mingyu~’

 

Do you remember afterwards?

 

Mingyu woke up the next day with Wonwoo in his arms and all he wanted to do was call off work so he could snuggle up all day with his precious angel in his arms, all his.

 

The clear morning after the rain.

 

Wonwoo stirred a little in his sleep and Mingyu found the other adorable, nose crinkling as he ducked his head closer into Mingyu’s chest.

 

We were in love.

 

‘Morning.’ Mingyu had whispered, nibbling at the other’s ear a little.

 

‘God dammit Mingyu, don’t start this, I’ve literally just woke up.’ Though Wonwoo’s body reacted differently.

 

Mingyu ran his hand down the other’s body, sneakily slipping it under the thin shirt; Wonwoo hissed from the sudden coldness from Mingyu’s touch, melting when he felt Mingyu’s thumb rubbing against his side-

 

Ring! Ring! Ring!

 

‘Leave it.’ Mingyu commanded, leaving butterfly kisses down Wonwoo’s neck.

 

Intending to do so, Wonwoo glanced at the phone on the bedside table before pushing Mingyu off completely.

 

But we let each other go.

 

‘Soonyoung?’ Wonwoo had picked up the phone, pulling his shirt down in the process. ‘Sorry, I was busy, what’s up?’

 

Mingyu stared at his boyfriend as if he’d just committed a crime, eyes big and filled with betrayal.

 

‘Yeah, sure, I’ll see you later.’

 

Wonwoo sent Mingyu a guilty look and told the other that they would continue later.

 

They never did continue though.

 

—

 

October, 2015

 

Do you still play back that day like me?

 

Mingyu remembers, he remembers their first date as clearly as if it is a movie he watched over and over again every second of the day; Mingyu had quit his job a month ago, too drained to even leave Seungcheol’s apartment without feeling like a complete waste of space.

 

Do you still shed tears like me?

 

Mingyu can recall crystal clear the blush on Wonwoo’s cheek when Mingyu had first intertwined their fingers, placing it on the armrest in the cinema. For a moment then, both of them stopped breathing; the two were overwhelmed with the emotions they were feeling, the adrenaline of being there together and the reality that this is our first date.

 

‘I can’t focus on the movie.’

 

Mingyu had turned to Wonwoo, amused when he saw the other’s flushed red face even in the dark cinema, letting out a quiet chuckle as he asked back, ‘Are you still breathing?’

 

‘W-What?’ Wonwoo had looked at him with big eyes, surprised and embarrassed, ‘You can feel my breathing?!’

 

Laughing, Mingyu hadn’t even cared about the annoyed stares he was receiving from others, ‘Yeah, I can, Jeon Wonwoo, and I’m pretty sure you stopped breathing for quite a while just then.’

 

Wonwoo had pouted, hiding his face by looking up to the screen; Mingyu sure hadn’t missed the little smile Wonwoo had on his face though. Rubbing circles on Wonwoo’s hand with his thumb, Mingyu had smiled, satisfied when he felt the other relaxing to his touch.

 

…

 

‘Are you sweating?!’

 

Wonwoo had turned to Mingyu abruptly, jaw dropped as he retracted his hand as quick as possible.

 

‘Shut up! I’m nervous, okay?!’

 

‘Cute.’ Mingyu had ruffled Wonwoo’s hair before pulling the other’s hand down, intertwining their fingers back together.

 

The movie had ended with the two completely missing the main plot of it due to both being more focused on their intertwined hands instead. Mingyu had pulled Wonwoo back right at the entrance of the cinema, the room still dark and no one was behind them.

 

Wonwoo had been confused, about to complain because he was so goddamn hungry so can we just please go-

 

What.

 

Mingyu had placed his hands on the other shoulders before leaning down, planting a gentle kiss on Wonwoo’s forehead.

 

‘Let’s go~’ Mingyu had to pull Wonwoo’s hand to get the other out of his frozen state, laughing at how shocked the other was.

 

Or have you forgotten someone like me and started a new love?

 

The date they first had keeps playing in Mingyu’s mind, over and over and over and Mingyu can’t take it anymore. He feels like his head is going to explode any second now, or even better, his heart is going to burst with all these emotions.

 

Mingyu wonders to himself whether Wonwoo is having a hard time getting over their broken relationship too.

 

—

 

November, 2015

 

Who is hurting more, regretting more?

 

Mingyu had seen Wonwoo on the street today.

 

Wonwoo looks happy.

 

Wonwoo is happy.

 

Why do I keep thinking those childish thoughts?

 

Mingyu sees the other, hand in hand with a blonde Soonyoung, both smiling so brightly, their eyes disappearing. Soonyoung is holding an ice cream cone, the choco-chip flavoured ice cream (Wonwoo’s favourite) still frozen from the winter cold. The two are dressed in matching styles; plain sweaters and skinny jeans, matching shoes and beanies to finish it off (I thought matching shoes and beanies was our thing.).

 

Mingyu doesn’t know what hurts more, the fact the Wonwoo is happy being Soonyoung’s now, or the fact that Mingyu still isn’t over the other.

 

He isn’t ready to make a choice just yet.

 

I miss you so much that I’m becoming more and more foolish.

 

Feeling his eyes sting, Mingyu slides behind a wall until he’s sure the couple is gone before he continues with his walk.

 

At the end of the day, Mingyu decides that he’s happy for Wonwoo.

 

He’s glad the other had found someone to lean on to, someone he could trust.

 

Though a part of Mingyu wishes the two would split up and that Wonwoo comes crawling back to him.

 

—

 

February, 2017

 

I trap myself in the memories and draw out your smile.

 

Today, Mingyu had received a wedding invitation.

 

From Kwon Soonyoung and Jeon Wonwoo.

 

Seungcheol tells Mingyu to go to bed, he tells Mingyu to leave the invitation alone, he begs the other not to read it.

 

To Choi Seungcheol & Kim Mingyu.

 

Ignoring Seungcheol’s words, Mingyu rips the envelope open, opening the card up in seconds as he scans through the words.

 

You’re invited to Kwon Soonyoung and Jeon Wonwoo’s wedding this Saturday, February 17th!

 

Mingyu feels his stomach sink.

 

You being there will be our pleasure.

 

See you there!

 

Mingyu continues reading, no matter how hard Seungcheol is trying to pull the invitation out of his grip.

 

There are words scribbled by hand underneath the neatly typed letters.

 

I’ll love to see you there too, Kim Mingyu. I hope you’re doing well.

 

- Wonwoo.

 

‘Mingyu!’

 

I’m trying to get rid of the sadness, trying to go back to the happy times.

 

The door to Mingyu’s room is slammed shut, the letter lying beside Seungcheol’s feet. The older sighs, frustrated by the other’s behaviour.

 

Mingyu sits on his bed, back hunched over as he holds in his hand a picture of Wonwoo and him, taken by Soonyoung when the three visited Busan together. Wonwoo and him looked so happy, they looked as if nothing was bothering them and nothing could separate them.

 

Seconds later, Mingyu finds himself wiping off his tears, hands scrunching the picture as he had never thought the day where he’s invited to his ex-boyfriend’s wedding would come. Especially not when it’s with his friend.

 

I’m so disgusted with myself, I keep seeing your face.

 

Mingyu tries telling himself that they’ll probably fight and break up before the wedding, that Wonwoo just might run back into his arms. He keeps seeing Wonwoo’s smile, the smile he loves and misses way too much. He hates himself for thinking such horrible thoughts, for wishing such horrible things on Soonyoung but he can’t help it.

 

I’m erasing you but you keep getting clearer.

 

He can’t help but hate Soonyoung and Wonwoo right now.

 

He hates himself even more for only feeling hatred towards Soonyoung.

 

—

 

December, 2017

 

It’s time for me to give you the last bits of my heart.

 

It’s Christmas and Mingyu stands in front of the Christmas tree he’d set up poorly in the middle of the living room.

 

Ever since Wonwoo’s wedding, Mingyu had moved out of Seungcheol’s apartment, everything there scarily reminded him of Wonwoo. Mingyu had reached the point where he felt like he could drop dead and not care because his Wonwoo belonged to another man now.

 

This day years ago, it was just the two of them, Wonu and Mingu, just them and their odd Christmas tradition of placing the golden star on top of the Christmas tree to officialize the start of Christmas in their home. This day years ago, they were in love.

 

The fact that we loved is beautiful.

 

Mingyu stands still, a lighter in his hand and a picture of himself, smiling beside an equally cheerful Wonwoo as the two posed for the camera.

 

It’s a beautiful pain letting you go.

 

Mingyu presses the lighter on, the flame flickering in his sight; he finds it weirdly comforting, as if knowing that this flame is going to be the very thing that will end his sorrow.

 

I have to kill myself inside.

 

The emotionless boy hovers the photograph over the flame, waiting for it to catch on fire.

 

Swallow my tears and put on a smiling mask.

 

He closes his eyes and leans his head back once the flame catches onto the photograph, lips curling into a relieved smile as he lets the burning photo fall onto the Christmas tree.

 

I feel so relieved now.

 

Mingyu opens his eyes to see the tree slowly catching on fire, amazed at how the tiny flame could turn out to be so big in such a short amount of time. Letting out a dry chuckle, Mingyu drops the lighter as he watches the flame grow bigger.

 

Please don’t worry about me.

 

‘Be happy, Jeon Wonwoo.’

 

I’m a beautiful,

 

‘I’m okay now, I don’t love you anymore.’

 

No, a cowardly liar.

 

—

A/N I'M SORRY FOR THIS MESS PLEASE COMMENT AND TELL ME HOW I CAN IMPROVE THIS T^T