‘’Why?”

Kim Jonghyun was someone special. Sure, everyone has their own flaws. Everyone has ups and downs in their life.

Jonghyun doesn’t know why or how it happens.. it just does.

“Mom, just don’t.” He hung his head low, biting his lips to prevent tears from streaming out of his eyes. A minute of silence only made the tension grow between them. Jonghyun’s nails dug deep into his hands, leaving red marks as his knuckles turned white.

By touching another human, Jonghyun felt what they felt at that exact moment. Some people would call it a blessing, other people would name it a sixth sense. Jonghyun preferred the word curse.

His mother watched how Jonghyun slowly shuffled backwards to the door. One of the last times she would see him. It was her own fault after all. She didn’t believe him. Guilt washed over her, clearly showing once her son turned around with a sob and closed the door softly behind him.

For example, when hugging someone Jonghyun could feel their sense of comfort, or their simple happiness. It could be feelings of joy or deep remorse; if you could name them, Jonghyun felt them. What also meant he felt how is mother completely changed when he told her. The disbelief and disappointment.

Jonghyun ran to the bus stop, luckily he moved out of his parent’s house two months ago. The whole ride to his apartment his head replayed all that happened during the last two days. His friend, the accident, how he wanted to help him, and everything else that was still a mess for him to sort out. Jonghyun groaned, hiding his face with his hands. Tears of shame and regret stung in his eyes. His sight became blurry as the bus drove to his district, yet the tears refused to fall.

Never again.


 

Two years later




Adjusting his coat, Jonghyun reached for his black sunglasses on the counter. With a handkerchief he cleaned the lenses, wiping off the dust that was covering them.

“Looking fine.” Jonghyun murmured to his other self in the mirror. He was met with a blank expression. He sniffed, his nose hadn’t been feeling all too good the past couple of days. Probably because of the cold weather. He wouldn’t be surprised if he had actually caught a cold.

Getting ready for his first day at his new school proved to be harder than he thought. Jonghyun simply didn’t want to go. Though he had left his previous one for his own sake.

Hoping not to make the same mistake again, Jonghyun plugged his earplugs in and left his apartment.


✿


Jonghyun’s breath came normally once again he noticed how easily he blended in with his new environment. Most people didn’t pay attention to him as a new student. Really, no one asked him to socialize and no one asked questions he didn’t feel like answering. Classes were also easy. He allowed his fears to eventually fade away, and he smiled when his grades were higher than ever.

Today’s classes were boring. Two hours of actual lessons and five ‘’self-studies’’ classes. Jonghyun laid his head on his desk, sighing when the teacher announced the upcoming assignment.

Because of his dreamy state he didn’t notice when someone tapped him on his shoulder. He flinched, a short rush of cold and sickness alarming him. When he met de smiling boy’s face he became pissed.

Why would someone his attention? More importantly, why would he interrupt him when he obviously doesn’t look in the mood to entertain anyone?

“Sorry… if I startled you. I want to borrow a pencil. Mine is broken.” The boy wiggled his pencil between his fingers, then put it down to his paper motioning as if he were writing. When nothing came out he glanced up to Jonghyun again, shoving the empty paper to him as proof.

“No,” Jonghyun answered in a monotone voice as he turned his back to the boy in a way he hoped showed him that the conversation was over.

The boy frowned and tried his request at another person. But Jonghyun found that he could no longer concentrate on the assignment.

Cold and sickness.

, he should ignore it and focus on writing his homework here and now while he had the time. He let his head fall on his desk again, this time with a loud bang. Sure, why not a headache before the finals.

“Hey, you alright?”

Jonghyun slowly sat back up, choosing to ignore the boy’s question and rub his hurting forehead instead. He yelped when a hand rested on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me,” Jonghyun hissed, slapping the hand away while staring directly  into the boy’s eyes, hoping it was enough to scare the other away for now.

“Well sorry if I am concerned about you, Jonghyun.” The boy smiled softly when Jonghyun’s eyes widened slightly. Jonghyun hadn’t expected the boy to just use his name carelessly or, even worse, remember his name in the first place.

Quickly he scanned his own mind for the boy’s name.

Kiboom? Ki…Kibam? Kibum?

Yes.

Maybe he should pay a little more attention to the names in his class. Just a little, not more or less. He didn’t need to know who was in his classes and who wasn’t.

Jonghyun gave Kibum a grimace, feeling only a little sorry as he ignored him for the rest of the day. Thankfully, Kibum took his advice and did not touch him anymore.


✿


“Come on! Oh my god! Why won’t you drop my candy?” Jonghyun stood before the vending machine, staring angrily as his candy stayed stuck between the spirals. Slamming on the glass would make too much noise, and he refused to spend more money for a KitKat. Defeated he stared at his lost snack, hoping that the intensity of his stare would somehow make the candy fall.

“Move.”

Jonghyun automatically stepped back, his eyes never leaving the KitKat. Maybe this person-

“Dude no that’s mine!” Jonghyun panicked when his gaze followed his property that dropped together with the Snickers. Intending to dig his hand into the machine, Jonghyun didn’t notice the boy’s movements. Their fingers slightly brushed as they both reached for the KitKat. Jonghyun jolted back when warmth spread through his hands up to his chest, the familiar sickening still lurking around as if it was waiting to overtake the other. It was then that he looked up at the person.

Kibum.

He frowned. Kibum was the last person he wanted to see, let alone have an argument over a KitKat with.

With a smile, Kibum stuck out his hand intend on giving the snack back to Jonghyun.

“I’m sorry if it was stuck. Here you go. Have it back.” Kibum was careful not to say anything to offend the other. He hesitated when Jonghyun did not react and only stared back at him with a scowl.

Jonghyun wanted to hide. He wanted to be unseen and not standing here talking to a stranger, which he still classified Kibum as since Jonghyun didn’t know anything about him. Nothing at all except for the sickening feeling and his name. A part of him wanted to find out, wanted to ask why Kibum was here instead of lying in bed with fluffy blankets and a hot chocolate. His other side, however, took over as always.

Never again.

“Keep it,” Jonghyun whispered.

“What? No. It’s yours.” Kibum slowly took a step towards Jonghyun. Jonghyun immediately shuffled back, feeling very vulnerable at the moment. The school bell rang, the sign that the breaks were over and Jonghyun’s study session was about to start. Not that he was planning to actually go since he always ditched those classes. Teachers didn’t criticize him anymore since his grades were high enough for them not to worry.

“Look, I noticed you don’t like to be touched – hell, am I smelling or something” Kibum lifted one arm, shortly sniffing his armpits. “Because I don’t think I am.”

Jonghyun caught himself almost grinning, hoping the other wouldn’t notice it. Kibum chuckled and grabbed Jonghyun’s wrist, shoving the chocolate bar into his hand.

“Here.” Kibum withdrew himself while Jonghyun stared down at his candy, his wrist tingly and pleasantly warm. “By the way Jonghyun, I noticed you are always gone when we have breaks. Do you mind spending a few of them with me sometimes?”

Instantly his mood dropped, the light in his eyes diminished. “No. Bye Kibum,” Jonghyun said sharply, not caring if he hurt the boy’s feelings.

He then his heels abruptly and hurried away. Kibum watched Jonghyun’s figure disappearing between the students with mixed feelings.


✿


It was Friday, with one more week school to go and he was free. Jonghyun tapped his phone as he played a game. The bus should be here any moment. He missed the bus once before because he was too preoccupied with his phone to notice it driving past him. And since he didn’t want to wait another hour in this freezing cold Jonghyun paused the game with hopes of resuming it on the ride home.


The seat shook a bit as someone sat next to him. Automatically he shoved himself a little to the left to avoid contact.

“I didn’t know you took this bus?” a very smooth voice asked him.

“Why are you here? You left earlier than me.” Jonghyun simply stated without looking at the person beside him. He knew it was Kibum since he recognized his voice right away. It irritated him that he bumped into him yet again. As if fate was trying to play a game with him. A game he didn’t want to participate in.

Kibum played with the edges of his scarf, the cord swirling around his fingers. He frowned, then looked sideways at Jonghyun. “I was held up by teachers.”

“I don’t care. Take the next one.”

“I-what?” Kibum gaped at him. He made no move to leave, however, since the next bus wouldn’t come for another hour.

The wait was awkward. Neither of them said a word to each other. Kibum occasionally chanced glanced Jonghyun’s way, studying his features. Soon enough the bus arrived, but Jonghyun groaned when there weren’t any seats available, leaving him standing with Kibum and some other people.

When the bus drove away Jonghyun could only grab the handrail as he bumped into various people. His vision became blurry and he tried to grab his phone for distraction. Music should keep the intruding feelings off for a while.

It worked, at least until the next stops when more and more people kept coming into the bus. He squeezed his eyes, black and white dots floating behind his eyelids while he started to feel the strength in his body leave.

“Jonghyun, hey.” He didn’t notice it when Kibum touched him, his knees shaking, his arms hugging himself. It wasn’t until he felt tears sliding down his cheeks that he let himself fall down to the floor of the bus.

“Jonghyun! What’s wrong?” The voice crawled through all the noises.

Coldness, sickness, exhaustion

He folded his hands around his ears, shaking his head, shaking his head. It stung, it hurts, it-

Depression, worry, shock

He felt trapped, trapped in his own world without escape. “…help him! Let me help him, please!”

Suddenly a strong wave of soft warmth hit him, overshadowing all the others. Hit breath became more stable as he tried to concentrate on just that single thing. Jonghyun focused on his breathing, his heartbeat slowed down as he gained his senses back. Just then he noticed that cold wind was blowing harshly against his face and sweeping through his hair.

Warmth, shyness, confusion

He kept his eyes shut for a few more moments, then slowly opened them to see Kibum standing in front of him. Outside. Not in the bus. And as if fireworks exploded into beautiful flowers around Kibum he could feel the boy’s hands cupping his face, the sweet aroma surrounding him.

“Good to see you made it back,” Kibum whispered. “I don’t know what happened… I won’t ask you. But before you freak out on me, know that I carried you outside the bus while you were…you know…” he nodded to Jonghyun to fill in the rest for himself.

Jonghyun slowly took a breath, not trusting his own voice at the moment. He took a look at his surroundings, noticing they were at the bus stop close to his apartment. Quickly he stood up and pushed Kibum away, losing the boy’s comfort in the process.

“,” he mumbled, wiping his eyes. His knees were still lightly shaking.

“Hey, take it easy.”

“I don’t need you to worry about me,” he panted.

Kibum stared at him, clearly believing not any of his words. He sighed and patted Jonghyun’s shoulder who tensed under him.

“It that’s so, I’ll be going now. See you Monday, I guess.” The footsteps faded away in the distance as the wind took over the sound. When he felt steady enough to move on, he glanced at the direction where Kibum disappeared.

Only when he was at home did he realized that he let Kibum have a glimpse of who he really was. And without knowing it, Kibum took also care of Jonghyun in a way he didn’t know he would ever be able to experience again.


✿


Monday was not easy for Jonghyun. But he reminded himself that the winter break was near. He was looking forward to the silence and being alone with his dog while playing some video games. Perfect for Christmas.

They did not talk about the accident in the bus. Neither of them acted as if it ever happened in the first place. At first, Jonghyun was worried that Kibum might have told others. Clearly that wasn’t the case because everyone else did their things and ignored him just like any other day.

Kibum tried to make contact with Jonghyun, every now and then asking for little things like “Do you know the homework for math?” or “My phone battery is dead, can I borrow yours?”

Though the little voice told him Kibum was going to find out one day, he promised himself to prevent that by shoving the boy aside, no matter how cruel or y he has to be.

However, his patience burned a lot faster when eventually Kibum started to poke him in classes. Kibum did poke him a lot, which Jonghyun didn’t notice at first because he kept thinking it was the sun his shoulders or some other source of warmth.

Later on, When Jonghyun caught Kibum poking him, he snarled aloud “What?!” to him, earning him glances from the entire class. His irritation turned into shame, his face red as he tugged his collar above his neck. Kibum only chuckled as an answer to his loud question and left him alone for the rest of the period.

In the last class, however, he lost it. Everyone had already left except for Jonghyun and Kibum. Jonghyun liked to leave the class last and slowly, rather than in a rush like the other students. Kibum noticed his pattern and decided to sit as long as Jonghyun until he stood up. It was then that Kibum had crossed the line.

“Why don’t you go to your own friends?” Jonghyun didn’t want this, and he couldn’t understand why Kibum tried to be closer to him. He huffed when Kibum didn’t answer him directly. Averting his eyes, the boy stares at his shoes, thumbs swirling around each other. Jonghyun’s gaze continued to bore into Kibum’s head.

“As I thought. Go to them, I don’t like it when people follow me around like some loyal puppy. Especially not you.” He growled, indirectly he referred to the weird ill feelings. To emphasize his words Jonghyun pointed to Kibum who flinched in response.

“I…” Kibum’s breath hitched, his eyes darting quickly from left to the right. “I don’t have-“

“I don’t care. Just stay away from me.” Jonghyun picked up his bag and rushed out of the classroom. He took large steps that he knew would lead him to the school library he visited every day after his final class. And he didn’t care at that moment he bumped into other students, mumbling a short sorry as he headed straight to his favorite place.

A girl flirted as her jealousy flared.

Someone sent a text filled with disappointment and probably lies.

A boy laughed at his friend’s joke but actually didn’t care.

Almost throwing his bag on the table, Jonghyun remembered just in time he had also carried his laptop with him. In the swing, he caught his bag and placed it down with care. He then slowly took a look around his surroundings, noticing no one was here except for the library woman who was sorting books. He was alone. Without people floating around his personal bubble. Jonghyun took a deep breath, enjoying this precious moment.

Opening his laptop, he grumbled when he saw that it hadn’t shut down entirely. , his hard disk was going to crash one of these days.

Just as he started to type his essay Kibum sat down next to him. The boy didn’t say anything, he only opened his laptop and started typing. Jonghyun was annoyed right away. Kibum didn’t even glance at him; he just sat there doing nothing to annoy him. But nothing was enough to piss Jonghyun even off more.

He stood up, swirling his bag over his shoulder and picked up his laptop to move to another table. The one on the other side of the library was perfect.

When  Kibum stayed away Jonghyun felt satisfied, maybe he finally understood his signals. Though he wanted to smile from satisfaction, his fingers slowly stopped typing the words for his essay. Blankly he stared at his written text. Jonghyun pressed the backspace button. When it was not fast enough he just closed the whole document without saving it. He shouldn’t have had to move from his favorite table just because Kibum decided to sit there too. It was his table.

How was he supposed to act so that Kibum would stay away from him? Not socializing with other students worked perfect, most of them didn’t even try to talk to him because he wasn’t interesting enough for them. The silent boy  with good grades plus the fact that he wore glasses made him the perfect ‘’nerd’’.

Ignoring the boy didn’t work. Neither did acting like an arrogant jerk. Maybe if he tried-

“I found you.” A low, deep voice echoed through his ears. Kibum settled himself at the other side of the table this time. Jonghyun groaned, tugging his hair out of frustration. Why, why wouldn’t he leave him alone?

He’s either playing dumb or he really is dumb.

“Just go to your friends,” Jonghyun whispered. “I really, really would like to be alone.” His pride stung a little as he felt himself almost beg. It lowered his self-confidence even more when Kibum started to type faster, smashing the key’s louder and harder, his eyebrows forced together in concentration.

“I don’t have any friends. Not here.” He replied without looking away from his screen.

Not here? What did he mean? Hundreds of thoughts invaded Jonghyun’s mind as to way Kibum would say such a statement, but nothing that sounded like a good argument came up. Unless it had something to do with his… illness?

“You are sick,” Jonghyun stated before he could actually register what he was saying. . Kibum visibly flinched, confused eyes staring somewhere behind Jonghyun as his body stiffened. He regrets his action, maybe he had gone a step too far.

But..he will.. stay away now, right?

Better to be slightly hurt now than later, when it could be so much worse.

“How do you know?” Kibum’s voice cracked. “Only the teachers know, so how?” Just for these few seconds, Kibum seemed so weak, so vulnerable, so… different. Jonghyun saw how he bit his lip, the skin becoming white. He liked the pink color more.

The short moment was over when Kibum’s stern gaze bored into Jonghyun’s eyes. “You know what? It doesn’t matter how you know. Do you want to know why? Fine. I was like you before you came here.” Kibum closed his laptop hard, Jonghyun nearly jumped out of his skin when the other boy stood up, his chair making a high screeching sound across the floor.

Jonghyun could only listen, his body frozen and his heart suddenly beating too fast and too loud. Never would he have guessed that Kibum’s sweet flower personality could take a turn like this. Had he really taken things too far?

“Because of my ‘illness’, I didn’t dare to come close to others. I was afraid they would judge me, so I ignored everyone else, stayed away from people and didn’t ever go to school events. And I was alone.” Kibum placed his hands on the table.

Jonghyun noticed Kibum’s legs were shaking as he closed his eyes a few seconds, calming himself down. “So alone,” He whispered to himself, then glanced at Jonghyun again. See, these were the consequences that came from trying to mingle himself with other people.

“You reminded me so much of myself.. so I tried to befriend you. Or at least be someone you’d feel comfortable around. I think I…failed.” Kibum stared at Jonghyun with an empty gaze. Suddenly Kibum started to cough and Jonghyun mused, his mind full of thoughts but at the same time blank. Empty. Something told him that Kibum didn’t tell the whole story, but he thinks it is smart to not much the boy further into his past if it disturbs him this much to talk about.

“,” Kibum muttered while staring at his hand. “ …-” He coughed again, making Jonghyun nervous as he shifted in his chair. Kibum didn’t say anything as he locked his eyes with Jonghyun for a short moment. Mumbling a hoarse ‘sorry’ Kibum quickly left the library.

It took Jonghyun a few minutes until his body unfroze and he dared to move again. He was sure the coughing had something to do with Kibum’s sickness. He had even left his laptop and bag at the table. Assuming that he was probably headed to the school nurse, Jonghyun stood up and collected the boy’s belongings.

However, in the process he caught something on the floor that caused a chill to run down his spine.

Drops of blood.

✿



No. Yes. No. Yes.

.

Yes.

Losing the battle with himself, Jonghyun took the turn that would lead to the nurse’s office. He carried Kibum’s bag with him. The least he could do was give it back after what happened in the library. Though he felt uncomfortable about the idea, he found himself standing before the well-known door a few moments later.

He waited a little longer, maybe he could just open the door a little and lay down the bag without anyone noticing.

“You should take it easier, Kibum.”

Jonghyun froze his hand halfway to the door handle.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I’m sorry.” Jonghyun could barely hear Kibum whispering the words.

“When is the surgery?”

“After the new year. In the first week of January. They moved the date.”Kibum sighed. “If I’m not already de-"

“Shut it, Kibum. We don’t talk about that. Anyway, your taxi should be here in a few minutes. Do you have everything?” Shoving chairs alerted Jonghyun. Quickly he opened the door, surprised by his own action. Two pairs of eyes stared at him as he took awkward, slow steps into the room. Not knowing where to look he lowered his head.

“Your bag. And laptop.” Jonghyun mumbled and gave it to Kibum, who shook his head. “I can’t carry it at the moment.” Kibum clenches hit fist in his sweater as his voice faded away. Jonghyun didn’t know how to react, so he glanced at the nurse of her help. Luckily she understood him, but not the way he wanted.

“Jonghyun, why don’t you him to the school gates?”

“I-I-” , , no. Just no. What if he needs to support Kibum? What if he couldn’t walk properly and had to be carried?

“I can walk myself, so you don’t need to be close to me. Just walk beside me.” Kibum assured him.

“Thank you, Jonghyun.” The nurse gave him a nod before he could add any more content to the discussion to his displease.

Silently they shuffled through the halls towards the exit of the school. Yes, they shuffled because Kibum was walking – could he even all that walking – slowly forwards. Every now and then he whispered to stop so he could gain his breath again. It somehow irritated Jonghyun because he wanted this to be over as fast as possible. Giving this job to someone else was impossible since the halls were empty and everyone had lessons or occupying their break time inside the classrooms.

“I’m really thinking about letting someone carry you to the taxi,” Jonghyun mumbled as he watched Kibum lean against the wall with one hand supporting him, the other hand placed on his knee. Kibum furrowed his eyebrows and squeezed his eyes, his breath coming out in labored pants.

“Don’t…say that” Kibum inhaled slowly, his heartbeat slowing down so he could speak better “if… you aren’t the one… who is going to do it.”

“Whatever.'' Jonghyun muttered while waiting for Kibum until he shuffled to catch up. Jonghyun felt like a ing jerk, treating Kibum this way. He had to admit that Kibum’s patience with him was outstanding, really. Every other person had given up a long time ago. Yet here Kibum was, next to Jonghyun.

He gritted his teeth. Kibum again whispered for them to stop, Jonghyun stepped firmly forward.

“Don’t move.” Jonghyun’s command echoed through the empty hallway as he hurried himself to the closest classroom. Luck was on his side when it was empty. Grabbing the office chair, he rolled it to where Kibum stood, his eyes shooting wide open upon seeing what Jonghyun brought him.

“Sit,”

Kibum chuckled and did as he was told, Jonghyun rolled the chair to the exit of the school, glad this was going a lot faster. Plus, Kibum seemed to enjoy it. Jonghyun watched him smiling softly, the wind playing with the bangs around his head. The scene did weird things to him that he couldn’t fully comprehend.

They didn’t say anything anymore to each other, both occupied with their own thoughts. Eventually, Jonghyun rolled Kibum over to the schoolyard, relieved when they arrived at the school gates. Weird gazes from other students made Jonghyun grin. Kibum noticed the smile that disappeared almost as fast as he had seen it.

The taxi was already waiting out front and Kibum climbed out of the chair.

“Thanks Jjong. See you tomorrow.” Jonghyun only nodded and held the door open for him. When the taxi drove away Kibum stuck his hand out of the window, waving to him.

“Don’t…thank me,” Jonghyun whispered to himself as he watched the taxi turn the corner, relieved that the whole act was finally over for today.


✿



“Hey, Roo, Roo, Hey!” Jonghyun crouched over the floor while trying to grab the toy out of his dog’s mouth.

“Give it to me, come on Roo!” He whined. Roo only tugged harder and Jonghyun lost his grip, landing on his .

“Fine, have it your way.” Roo barked and laid the toy before Jonghyun’s feet, then waited patiently for his boss to play another round with him.

“Sorry boy, time for school. Four more days to go until it’s just you and me, sweetheart.” Jonghyun patted the dog and started to get ready for school. He almost considered skipping these last days before the winter break. No one should be able to notice his absence, or care about it for that matter. Well, all except for Kibum. He could be a problem.

Jonghyun ruffled his hand through his hair. He then took a deep sigh; his mood took a turn for the worse when he thought about the boy. The conflict within himself was stressful and he didn’t know what to do anymore. Basically, Kibum had seen the side of himself he kept hidden from everyone, but he had also seen Kibum’s. Not that he wanted to, it just happened before he could stop all of this nonsense.

Though Jonghyun didn’t want to admit it, he was curious about the boy. And this scared him so much.

So, so much.

He touched his cheeks where Kibum’s hands rested back then when he saved him on the bus. It shouldn’t feel okay, and it really isn’t fine that they still interacted after that. Jonghyun looks at his reflection in the mirror. Thick bags were visible under his eyes, his hair was sticky – which he solved quickly with hairspray – and his lips broken and dry.

With his teeth, he pulled the skin, breaking it as drops blood gathered at the spot.

“Looking… okay, I guess,” He whispered to his other self who mimicked him, both touching each other’s hands only to be separated by glass.


✿


The school bell rang and Jonghyun was glad the first three classes were done. Quickly he left and ran off to the library. However, when he walked through the doors, the first and only thing he noticed was Kibum.

The boy was concentrated while typing something on his laptop, clearly zoning out his surroundings. Jonghyun walked to where the boy was sitting and slammed his books on the table. Kibum made a yelped noise before rolling his eyes when he saw Jonghyun standing there with his arms folded and his foot tapping out of annoyance.

“What are you doing here?” Jonghyun asked impatiently. “This is my place.”

“No it isn’t.” Kibum stated simply, his mind on addressing another topic entirely now that Jonghyun had broken his concentration. “Listen, what happened yesterday-”

“Don’t talk about that,” Jonghyun cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Now move so I can sit here. That is my-”

“Ah ah ah,” Kibum moved his finger slowly from the left to the right, gesturing him to shut up. “You talk too loud and that woman glanced at us a few times already. I don’t think she will hesitate to throw us out of here.” He whispered quietly with a sly smile playing on his lips.

“Fine,” Jonghyun hissed. “But don’t talk to me, I have an important essay to write.”

“Me too, we are in the same class, remember,” Kibum replied nonchalantly while moving his focus back to the document he was working on.

“Sssht,” Jonghyun sat down across from Kibum, opened his laptop and made an attempt to start writing.

His attempt didn’t exactly work because his mind kept drifting off to the boy sitting on the opposite of him, who was unconsciously swirling his tongue around his lips every once in a while. Not that he was particularly looking at Kibum’s lips or anything. It’s just that his eyes followed every movement the other was making.

Jonghyun groaned when certain scenes began playing in his mind. Sure, he had been thinking about those things for a really long time – about how it would feel – but he had never thought that Kibum would come in the picture.

It was often that he found himself cursing his sixth sense, there were times when he longed to know what he could actually feel if he touched a person who did not lie about their feelings.

Lying to yourself is what he called it.

While in his thoughts, Jonghyun’s gaze wandered over to the boy’s face as he studied the expressions the boy made when he read the history textbook. Jonghyun could practically feel the warmth on his skin, the same layer of warmth that he thought about the entire weekend. And it was not the first time that he asked himself how it would feel to hold someone he loved. How it would feel to kiss, or make love with, maybe even-

“I see you staring at my lips. You’re checking me out, aren’t you?” Kibum’s soft voice interrupted his inner turmoil. He could only blink as Kibum continued, “Close your mouth, you’re drooling.”

Still a bit lost in his own world, Jonghyun’s mind couldn’t form a response quick enough, so instead he just gave Kibum a small grimace and slammed some keys on his laptop, pretending that he was typing important things.

“I was not,” Jonghyun answered between his teeth, finally grasping the situation and forming some words.

“I don’t know,” Kibum began playfully, ”I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining things. So tell me, what were you thinking about?” Kibum hadn’t looked up at Jonghyun which made him uncomfortable.

“Not about you so stop it,”

“Alright then,” Kibum sighed, obviously not believing him, and ducked under the table to grab something out of his bag. When he kept ruffling and mumbling to himself Jonghyun let out a loud Ahem. It was irritating him, but Kibum probably didn’t hear it.

“I can’t find it,” Kibum mumbled, “I thought I had it in the side pocket.” He threw his bag and all the contents on the table. Jonghyun was really pissed, but when he noticed Kibum’s panicked face he frowned.

“Did you lose something?” Jonghyun stood up, intending to help the quickest way he could to be over with it.

“I hope not…” Kibum whispered, but it sounded more like panting to Jonghyun. “, , no…” he shuffled most items across the table, desperate to find the ‘something’.

“Tell me what you lost, Kibum,” Jonghyun tried to stay to him. Jonghyun’s eyes widened when Kibum’s fingers started shaking and he coughed a few times.

“ indeed. , Kibum! Hey!”

“My medicine.” Again Kibum threw his bag upside down, digging his hands in all of its pockets but to no avail. “I-” He coughed again a few times, holding his hand for his mouth. Jonghyun could only watch as Kibum fell on his knees, coughing louder and rougher with every second that passed.

“Jonghyun, my phone… first number… call it,” Kibum managed to speak between the coughs. Jonghyun tried to step forward and help Kibum. He tried, really, but his feet seemed to be glued to the floor, is eyes were fixated on Kibum who kept coughing. When the blood dripped between Kibum’s fingers Jonghyun started to feel dizzy himself, almost losing his balance and falling forward. 

“,” Jonghyun whimpered. He was afraid of this, he predicted it and yet he still let is happen again. He bit is bottom lip hard, threw his chair behind him and crouched next to Kibum.

“He-hey, take it easy,” he hesitated, doubting whether or not to comfort the boy.

“Jonghyun, ambulance, please,” There were tears in Kibum’s eyes, the blood dripping past his fingers down his forearms. Horror crawled over Jonghyun’s skin when their eyes met. Suddenly, he saw the guy from a few years back, asking him to do the same.

“Please, the ambulance,” The wounded guy cried. Jonghyun tried to carry him but failed as a heavy pressure on his chest and heart made him fall, sending them both rolling onto the street.

“I…I can’t,” Jonghyun shook his head and crawled away from Kibum.

Jonghyun tried again, this time stripping out of his jacket. Maybe if he carried his friend this way he wouldn’t feel it.

“Then drive me,” Kibum panted. “We’re friends right?” Jonghyun was losing it. No one but them were in the library since the librarian left a while ago.

And if he left Kibum alone and he…no, just no…. Panic struck him more and more.

“Who said we were – Call your parents or something!” Anything so that he wouldn’t have to touch or carry Kibum and getting further tangled in his problems. Kibum tried to pull Jonghyun’s sweater with his clean hand but instead he lost his balance, falling into Jonghyun’s lap. Instantly Jonghyun felt his lungs inflame, his throat burned as if someone had pierced it with a thousand knives at the same time.

Jonghyun felt tears sliding down his face as he watched Kibum’s body relax, while he felt himself relaxing too.

He cried and hugged Kibum hard, because when someone was unconscious or dead, he couldn’t feel a thing.


✿


Jonghyun tried to carry his friend once more with his jacket around him, but every time he touched him the hammering pain was directed to his limbs. “ing move,” He cried as he pulled his friend up under his armpits. Jonghyun panicked more when his eyesight blurred and the world started to spin around him.

“I said move Taemin!” he shouted, but Taemin only hiccupped, keeping his eyes closed while his arms hugged his chest. “Why won’t you listen?” Jonghyun sobbed, staring at his own hands as two lights hurried towards them.

“…Sir,” An urgent hand was shaking his shoulder. “Sir, you cannot sleep here. I suggest you go home or – ” Jonghyun slapped the hand away, blinking a few times because of the bright light shining in his eyes. It took a moment his eyes to adjust and see the doctor standing above him.

“I’m going to stand here till you move.” Their gazes met for a few seconds, but Jonghyun was prepared to put up a fight as he practically glared at the doctor. In the end, the doctor gave in and let out an irritated sigh. He grabbed a notebook out of his pocket and started writing.

“Name, date of birth and living place, please.”

“For what?” Jonghyun asked suspiciously.

The doctor scribbled something, yes eyes following the swift movement.

“We would like to know how you are related to Kim Kibum.” The name piqued Jonghyun’s attention when he heard that name.

“Kim Jonghyun. Classmate." He answered. “And before you ask the same questions everyone else here did: Kibum was searching for something in his bag; he said it was his medicine. Then he started coughing. Then there was blood dripping. Then he fell unconscious.” Jonghyun spoke in a monotone as if he had practiced it a thousand times. “Now we are here,” The doctor nodded and kept writing in his notebook.

“Alright then,” The doctor finished up and glanced down at Jonghyun. “The hospital’s visiting hours are closing in an hour. I expect you to be gone by then. You can’t be here the whole night, boy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jonghyun murmured. Finally, the doctor left him alone. Jonghyun closed his eyes and wandered back into his dream world.



In the end, Jonghyun stayed the whole night. A nurse came a few hours later to him, telling him that Kibum needed a surgery right away. Jonghyun wasn’t going to leave him alone so he stayed until the surgery was over. He slept the whole night next to Kibum’s bed, determined to see the boy’s eyes open again.

Without noticing Jonghyun lowered his walls for this boys in only a few days. However, every time he watched Kibum’s chest gently rise up and down he felt guilty. On the other hand, he was relieved that he actually had managed to save him.

After staring at Kibum’s falling body for a second too long, Jonghyun was finally able to take out his phone. After calling the ambulance with a hoarse voice and shaking hands, Jonghyun insisted that he go with them since he was told by the school nurse that Kibum’s parents couldn’t get to the town until the next morning.

Kibum groaned a little, probably deep asleep, still unconscious.



Jonghyun hugged himself as he wiggled in his chair. Why hadn’t he saved Taemin back then? Why hadn’t he carried him from the streets? Why…?

“Hey,” A whisper reached his ears. “Why are you crying?”

Jonghyun tilted his head, meeting Kibum’s brown eyes that stared back into his. He felt a smile curling on his lips, tears streaming down over his cheeks that he quickly wiped away.

“Thank god,” Jonghyun sighed. “I’ve only known you for a week and look ,” He gestured between them

“I’m glad you brought me here. Thanks,” Kibum closed his eyes and tried to stick his arm above the blankets. “Heavy,” He chuckled.

“So…are you feeling… any better?” Jonghyun dared to ask, afraid he would say something wrong.

“Much, much better actually,” Kibum spoke as his voice became stronger with every word. “I… there was something wrong with an important artery or something that’s connected with my lungs. Because of that…-” He stopped for a few seconds, breathing in and out slowly “I, yeah….coughed blood and ,” Kibum finished weakly, still fumbling around with his sheets.

“You scared everyone, you know.” Jonghyun chided Kibum as he made way to his bed. He shifted the blankets down so Kibum could lay his hands on them.

“Hey,” Kibum lightly touched Jonghyun’s fingers before he could move away. “The surgery was not that serious, and they’re letting me out of here in a couple of hours.” Though he seemed finished, Kibum acted as if he wanted to say something else. He bit his lip, doubting whether to ask Jonghyun or not.

“Can I…”

“What? Kibum I don’t have all day.” Kibum grinned at him as Jonghyun grimaced, or tried to grimace.

“Falling back into your old habits, aren’t you?” Jonghyun gaped at him.

“I’m not. You are awake now and that means my job is done.” Jonghyun pulled his hands finally away where Kibum held them.  “I’m going home.” Before he could turn away though, Kibum ‘s weak grip grabbed his wrist again. Jonghyun was overwhelmed with the feeling of shyness and anxiety, it wasn’t crippling anxiety, just a small bit that radiated off of Kibum enough to not be uncomfortable.  

“Can I sleep at yours tonight?” Kibum asked, making Jonghyun’s eyes double in size.

“No?” He scoffed, snatching his arm free and glaring down at Kibum. “Everything is fine now. Look, you’re talking, you’re thinking. Well, I’m not sure about that one since you are still trying to talk to me and like that but –”

Kibum grinned and closed his eyes, listening to Jonghyun’s rambling. Nonetheless, Jonghyun stayed the whole evening until Kibum was declared ‘good enough’ to go home. He kept rambling all the way to his apartment, complaining about how irritated he was now that he had to take care of Kibum at home, how he rolled Kibum out of the hospital in a wheelchair with a deja-vu, how Kibum had better make sure not to mess up the leather in his car, and even about how Roo will probably want to play with Kibum more than with him.

This went on and on, but Kibum was never tired of hearing Jonghyun mumble about, well, mostly him. He just let Jonghyun drive him along, nodding and agreeing with everything the elder was saying. He was already happy enough with the fact that he didn’t have to sleep alone that night.

Kibum looked up when Jonghyun stopped the car, though he didn’t stop his mouth from moving and uttering words Kibum was half paying attention to.

“…and I live on the third floor so just use the elevator. I’ll ask my neighbor for a wheelchair. Not that the old lady is nice or something, but I’m sure she’ll help you. But I’m warning you, she’s a grumpy old lady because apparently I skipped the ‘good-ing-morning’ ritual once and since then she ignored me and – are you even listening?” Jonghyun glanced at Kibum to find him staring at him. Kibum just blinked at Jonghyun before realizing that he had stopped talking.

Finally looking away, Kibum freed himself out of the belts and tried to open the door which was too heavy for him. “I didn’t know you were such a talker.”

“I’m not. Just telling you the rules.” Jonghyun watched Kibum struggling for a moment and hurried out of his seat belt. “Stay, I’ll go get that thing for you.”

After asking nicely -  “Let me borrow your wheelchair my classmate can’t move,”- he rolled Kibum to his apartment until he stood in the middle of the living room.

“My bedroom is a forbidden area. Don’t make any noise after ten. Even better: Don’t make any noise at all.” Jonghyun pointed at his bedroom and then to the clock.

“Thank you,” Kibum whispered as he rolled softly forward to Jonghyun. When he was before his feet he slowly raised himself out of his chair. Jonghyun could only blink when Kibum’s big hands folded around his fragile ones.

Out of reflex, Jonghyun pulled back but Kibum tried to hold his grip on the other.

Oh god, he is going to say something dumb. Jonghyun could feel it. Literally. The overwhelming sweet warmth and tingling feelings overtook his own. It was dangerous, especially now that Kibum was looking at him with a cute grin on his lips.

“Jonghyun, thanks for everything today. Though you won’t believe me, I think it’s fine to let it know by now,” Jonghyun could feel that the boy’s emotions became stronger as his fingers started tracing patterns on his palm.

“I really, really like you, Jonghyun. For a while now.” Kibum averted his eyes when Jonghyun tensed and softly tried to tug his hands out of Kibum’s grip.

“No you don’t,” Jonghyun responded quietly. Kibum smiled sadly as he lowered himself so he could sit again.

“Yes I do,”

“No you don’t. You’re betraying your own feelings,” Jonghyun turned and stepped to his bedroom, closing the door with a loud bang.


✿


Jonghyun didn’t come out of his room after his argument with Kibum. He let himself fall on his bed without taking off his clothes. Crawling under the blankets, he put his earplugs into his ears until the music took over his raging thoughts. Jonghyun even skipped dinner, though he could smell that the other was cooking something.


Kibum slept in the guest room that night. In the morning he helped himself around Jonghyun’s apartment, glad that he was breathing a lot easier. The doctors had given him medicines and an inhaler for that would help support his lungs for the next three months.

His body strength was a lot better than the previous day’s; opening doors and carrying some books were no longer a problem. However, when Kibum tried picking up his school bag, it felt as if it contained stones instead of books. Kibum glanced at Jonghyun’s bedroom door, debating whether or not to ask him for help.

Kibum just sighed and called his parents, they were in no doubt in town by now.


“Yeah. Can you pick me up? I slept over at a friend’s. Yes, everything is fine. I feel much better.” Jonghyun heard Kibum speak when his mp3 shuffled to the next song, the second silence giving him the opportunity to listen to the conversation. He paused it and stuck his head above the blankets to hear it better.

“Yeah. Yeah. Yes, third street, turn to the left by the traffic lights. You can’t miss it.” So Kibum is going to leave. And why again the word friend? He wasn’t-

“No, I think he’s still asleep. Ah no mom, it’s okay. Yeah. I only need you to help carry my school bag. Yes, mom, I’ll be standing on the balcony. Yes. Bye.” Kibum ended his call. Jonghyun curled himself further into the blankets, hoping Kibum would leave in silence.
 
And that’s exactly what happened. Kibum’s mother was at the door a few minutes later, helping her son carry his things. Within a minute of her arrival, they were gone.

Complete silence surrounded Jonghyun until Roo barked. Immediately he threw de blankets away and crawled across the floor to his dog.

“, sorry Roo,” he mumbled. Noticing Roo left a present for him near his door, he didn’t need to think twice as he lifted his dog and grabbed his leash. , he was so occupied with avoiding Kibum that he actually forgot about Roo.

Nevertheless, Roo was barking the whole time in the park. Jonghyun watched his pup with delight running after birds, letting any bothersome thoughts slip away for the moment.


✿


The last two days before the vacation Kibum didn’t show up at school. For Jonghyun, it gave him rest. When he got his final grades back he enthusiastically called Taemin, rambling about how easy everything was.

“How is it with Kibum? Are you guys solving things between each other?” Taemin asked. Jonghyun almost tripped on the stairs leading to his apartment.

“Shut up, Tae, It’s nothing to worry about,” He paused and pressed his hand against his ear when a few cars passed by.

“What happened?”

“Long story. Short version, Kibum had a surgery, slept in my house for one night and left the next morning,” He told him quickly. Of course, Taemin wasn’t buying any of that.

“And?”  Jonghyun could hear the other’s obnoxious tone through the phone.

“And what?” He gritted his teeth, searching for his keys in his pocket as he reached his apartment. “Nothing. Happened.”

“Yeah, that sounds really convincing Jonghyun, why don’t you just spill it out now? Or do you want me to come - ”

Jonghyun dropped his keys, cursing under his breath. “No, no, it’s fine! He said he liked me and – Taemin stop the ing laughing or I’ll hang up!” He threw his jacket on the coat rack, sighing with irritation when it fell down.

“Okay, nice,” Taemin commented, and Jonghyun could swear his friend was trying to hold back from laughing even more. Walking to his bedroom, Jonghyun set the phone on loudspeakers and softly Roo who was sleeping on his bed.

“Nice my .”

“You get that – ”

“So what are your Christmas plans?” By changing the subject he hoped Taemin would avoid Kibum, and it worked since Taemin started talking enthusiastically about the present from his parents. How he would go on vacation to Japan since his brother took off from his work for him, and how he was directed to a new therapist for his walking sessions.

Jonghyun was half-listening, still Roo between her furs. Although Taemin treats him as his best friend, Jonghyun still had the feeling that he didn’t deserve him.

“Jjong?”

“What?”

“I asked what your Christmas plans were. Don’t tell me you’re alone again.” Jonghyun poked his finger on Roo’s nose.

“I am.” Roo yawned and rolled on his back. Jonghyun heard Taemin sigh heavenly before continuing. This was not the first time they talked about this, quite the opposite.

“You still blame yourself, don’t you?” Taemin whispered. The words hit Jonghyun like stones, he bit his lip as he let the silence speak for itself.

You can say Jonghyun had been alone every festive day since the accident two years ago.


✿


Christmas arrived faster than he would’ve liked. He spent the days alone, reading some textbooks or playing games, watching movies or cuddling with Roo. He felt as ease since no one was around him, wat he really, really liked, but the loneliness was also something that made him overthink everything that happened over the past weeks.

He tried to ban most thoughts by distracting himself. Taking a walk outside didn’t really help as he saw couples everywhere. Gaming became more boring, plus his eyes started to hurt after staring hours and hours at the flickering screen.

Eventually, he just decided to lay on his bed and listen to music. But of course, it didn’t work as well as he hoped.

Unconsciously his thoughts wandered off to Kibum, which was exactly what he tried so hard to prevent.

“I really, really like you Jonghyun.”

“Liar,” He whispered into the pillows, squeezing his eyes when he felt tears welling up.

“Li…a..r…” Hiccupping he slammed his fist on the mattress. Jonghyun was not dumb. Deep inside he knew Kibum hadn’t lied to him since feelings always speak the truth. Jonghyun felt those warm, pleasant,tingling feelings that he still couldn’t give a proper name.

The truth is, it wasn’t that Jonghyun didn’t want Kibum as his friend because he didn’t like him, it was more because Jonghyun didn’t believe that he deserved friends. Or a lover, that he found a horrible idea.

Or was it? Wasn’t he lying to himself this whole time too?

Jonghyun nearly fell out of bed when he heard his doorbell ringing.

“Roo.. open the door for me,” He murmured. “Lazy dog,” Sighing with reluctance he slowly shuffled to the door, shouting ‘’I’m coming!’’ when the person kept pressing the bell. When he finally opened the door he wasn’t sure who to expect.

There stood Kibum, with a bag, neatly dressed with crutches under both his arms. And there was Jonghyun who stared at him for a very long time until he realized it was ing Kibum standing at his door, with a bag.

While he was in his pajamas.

“Can I spend the day here? My parents are working. I’ll behave, j-just do as if I’m not here, but please can I stay? I brought snacks and otherwise I’m really lonely and you-”

“Quit rambling,” Jonghyun cut him off and shuffled away from Kibum, leaving the door open. Kibum took it as an invitation and awkwardly stepped inside.

The first thing Jonghyun did was go back to his room, immediately dressing into other clothes and going into the bathroom to fix his hair. Basically, he wanted so badly to slam the door in Kibum’s face. The last thing he needed during his break was to spend it with Kibum, the one who was causing him so much confusion and unneeded stress.

Jonghyun stared at the mirror after giving up on his hair, the red eyes betraying that he had been crying.

“No you don’t,”

“Yes I do,”

. He won’t allow Kibum to be his friend. Though his desire to feel Kibum was unbearable. It couldn’t be wrong to be a little curious, right? The warm sensation coupled with Kibum’s sweet personality and patience worked on his nerves, but on the other side Jonghyun had already let Kibum into his life too far.

“Damn,” He hissed, slamming his fist so hard on the counter he felt it tingling. Jonghyun denied it so hard. His entire vacation he did everything is power to forget about the sick boy, yet here Kibum was in his apartment, bursting into his life again. Fate was indeed playing a game with him.

“Taemin, I can’t…” He whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Jonghyun! Your dog is peeing on the floor!” Kibum’s hoarse voice echoed through his walls. Jonghyun stilled and looked at his reflection, his eyes were puffy and red. Quickly he threw some water on his face, the last sniffs buried in the towel.

How would it feel to touch someone who didn’t lie to himself?

How would it feel to touch someone I like?

His thoughts automatically wondered to Kibum because the answer was clear to him.

Softly, almost inaudible Jonghyun shuffled out of the bathroom and to his dog who stood on the front of the door, watching him with guilty eyes.

“I’m sorry for calling you out of your room,” Kibum started, “but I thought I should let you know.”

He ing apologized while it is not his fault that his dog has the bladder of a newborn puppy.  Jonghyun didn’t say a thing as he grabbed the dog leash and wandered off to the park.



When Jonghyun came back Kibum was sleeping on the couch with the television on. The long walk helped to empty his mind, only the moment he stepped back into his apartment he was bombed with worries again. Slowly he tiptoed to Kibum.

This is the second time Jonghyun was seeing the boy asleep. And he was really… sleeping, right? He thought it would be better if he started to prepare dinner instead of staring at Kibum. But the urge to touch him was so strong, even when Jonghyun knew he wouldn’t feel a thing.

He kneeled next to the couch, holding his breath as he let his desire take over. His finger wavered when he reached out to Kibum’s lips.


Aren’t you lying to yourself?


You can’t be close to him.


As if his finger was burning, he almost choked on his breath when he touched Kibum’s lips. The boy was only pretending to be asleep because right now Kibum was confused, but there was also an amazing sweet feeling running through his bones.

The magical moment was over when Jonghyun quickly retracted his hand and crawled backward, hitting the table behind him.

“,” He whispered while his back. Kibum didn’t move or give a sign that his act was over, so Jonghyun decided to play along as well. He stood up, not caring about the black dots in his vision as he shuffled back to his bedroom and pulled out an extra blanket from his closed.

Carefully he spread it over Kibum’s body, his fingers brushing shortly over the boy’s shoulders. That short second was enough to make Jonghyun shudder and bit his lips  to prevent tears from gathering in his eyes.

Kibum was thankful, satisfied and incredibly warm since Jonghyun still couldn’t name that one exactly to his liking.





Stop lying to yourself





Dinner was awkward. It wasn’t the most extensive dinner either, which was rather unusual since it was the first Christmas evening. Both hadn’t said a thing all day to each other. Sometimes Jonghyun caught Kibum staring at him, which he normally snarled at. But instead of doing that, Jonghyun ate faster, his mind racing with thoughts and worries – but mostly, how he let Kibum further and further in.

Doing the dishes together didn’t make things better for him either since Kibum was slow. He couldn’t blame him, of course, Kibum was still recovering from his surgery after all. So when Jonghyun was done with cleaning and everything. He helped Kibum with drying the remaining glasswork.

“Where does this go?” Kibum quietly asked with a pan in his hand.

“Second drawer,” Jonghyun pointed at the one under the stove. “Let me.” It was just an excuse when he reached out to take the pan from Kibum, brushing his fingers in the process. They finished putting up the dishes with a similar pattern, Kibum would ask where something went and Jonghyun took whatever Kibum had in his hands to put it up himself.

Jonghyun could only hide his smile behind Kibum’s back when they settled themselves on the couch to watch a movie. When Kibum had fallen asleep, Jonghyun carried him to the guest room, thinking that Kibum’s presence wasn’t all that bad as he thought in the first place.



✿



"I’m sorry I just came so unexpectedly yesterday,” Kibum confessed to Jonghyun as they walked together with Roo. First Jonghyun didn’t want Kibum to come, but the boy assured him it would be alright if he carried his crutches with him for support.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jonghyun replied nonchalantly. “I was alone anyway.”

“I really thought you wouldn’t let me stay,” Kibum poked Jonghyun on his shoulder with his crutch when he looked away.

“Don’t mention it.”

Kibum sighed heavenly. “And I thought you didn’t want me to see again or something like that after I confessed to you. Especially after our wild tour together.”

Jonghyun tensed visibly. Kibum chuckled and whistled at Roo who ran towards him.

“How long?” Jonghyun murmured.

“What?” Kibum asked confused, Roo’s fur who rolled onto his back, indicating for Kibum to his soft belly.

“Did you…like me?” He whispered. “I don’t understand.” Kibum didn’t look at him as he answered.

“I don’t understand it either.” Kibum stood up and started the walk, the click-clack sound from his crutches echoing on the empty streets.



The rest of the day went in silence. Most of the remaining time Kibum rested after the walk. He played some of Jonghyun’s games, watched tv, and took a nap for a little while. Jonghyun followed his pattern, every now and then glancing at the boy and sometimes – he was sure Kibum wouldn’t notice it – attempting to poke or brush him.

But of course, Kibum noticed the change and addressed Jonghyun as they gathered his stuff to leave, the taxi already on its way.

“If you wanted a hug from me you can just ask, or, you know, just do it,” Kibum grinned at Jonghyun. “No need to do it secretly.”

Jonghyun almost dropped Kibum’s laptop which he was trying to put back into its case. “I don’t have a reason to hug you,” he said, stuffing the electronic inside with more force than was needed.

Kibum hummed and continued packing his stuff, throwing at towel to Jonghyun’s head when he caught him staring again. Jonghyun threw the towel back with a huff and moved to the living room.

“You have everything?” He asked. “Let me carry that,” Jonghyun pointed at the backpack Kibum hung on his left shoulder.

“It’s fine. I’m a lot better than a few days back, you know?”

“Shut up. Let me,” Jonghyun stepped to him and grabbed it from his shoulders. Kibum chuckled but stopped when he saw the taxi driving towards the parking lot.

Jonghyun held the door open, gesturing Kibum to go out first. When Kibum passed him he hesitantly Kibum’s hand, his eyes widening when the boy grabbed his wrist and let the crutches fall on the ground. Kibum’s hands clench around Jonghyun’s, who frantically looked anywhere but at the boy who was holding him.

, fu-

“Kibum, let go…” Jonghyun’s breath hitched, but instead of listening Kibum also grabbed his other hand and squeezed them both in his grip.

“Let…go…” Jonghyun felt his limbs growing weak. Kibum stood relaxed, now meeting his gaze. Softly he kept trying to tug his hands back but gave up when Kibum started to speak.

“Don’t be scared for me,” The whisper reached his ears, the feelings his own as if they tried to blend with each other. Jonghyun didn’t know what he was feeling anymore, the comforting warmth spreading through him that became stronger each passing second, overshadowing his own.

Kibum let one hand wander over Jonghyun’s arm, over his shoulder, past his jaw and finally resting on his wet cheeks. When did he start crying? .

Quickly Jonghyun lowered his head and tried to step back, only to found out he was trapped against the wall.

“You asked for how long, hm?” Kibum whispered, his thumb massaging the skin. “To be honest, the first week since you joined our school?” Jonghyun shook his head because no, no, this couldn’t be right, but Kibum had not lied.

“Thanks for taking care of me these two days. I really appreciate it,” The warmth left him, a ton of sadness breaking through the surface, only to come to a conclusion it was himself.

“,” Realizing how much of an impact Kibum had on him, Jonghyun bit his lips and clenched his fists, taking a shaky breath. He had lost already, right?

Gazing at Kibum who was fumbling his fingers nervously, he didn’t deny it any longer as he let himself softly fall against the boy, folding his arms around him, welcomed Kibum’s love with open arms because Jonghyun finally found out that was the right word.

Arms snuck carefully around his waist as Jonghyun cried in Kibum’s jacket, his words not being able to be heard.

“You-houu fe-heel wa-hmmmm,” Jonghyun hiccupped, his chest raising up and down hard while Kibum softly caressed his back, the fingers going up and down over his spine.

“Sssh, it’s alright. Tell me later,” Kibum whispered into his ear.

“No it’s not alright,” Jonghyun tilted his head to meet Kibum’s eyes. “You feel warm,” He tried to explain when Kibum frowned. “I feel you , Kibum,” Jonghyun dug his face into Kibum’s shoulder again, not letting the boy go as he let the comforting warmth take care of him.

Jonghyun felt Kibum’s confusion, but also something new, something that made his own heart flip.

“Jonghyun… I don’t – ”

“Kibum,” Jonghyun grabbed both Kibum’s shoulders and gazed at his lips, wondering again how it would feel if he pressed his won against them. “I…feel…you,” he tried to explain, new tears forming in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. “How the do I……” he mumbled. How did he explain this to his mother back then? Or Taemin?

“Is that why you don’t let anyone touch you?” Kibum tried to guess as he removed Jonghyun’s hands from his shoulders, putting them slowly down. “Because…?”

“Because…” Jonghyun’s breath stung into his lungs when Kibum’s fingers wandered up to his cheeks again, this time stopping at his lips.

“You feel exact the same feelings from the person who you touch,” Kibum finished, then closing the distance between their faces as he replaced his thumb with his lips.



It’s alright, Jonghyun cried a lot. Kibum comforted Jonghyun while he told about his parents, Taemin, the car accident and everything else. Kibum sat through it all and made sure to comfort him, squeezing his hands, pecking his cheeks, even just a soft pat on the back did wonders for Jonghyun.

Afterward, Jonghyun let the dark take over and fall asleep in Kibum’s lap on the couch with Kibum running his hands peacefully through his hair.

Kibum stayed a few days longer since Jonghyun didn’t want him to leave. Though Kibum wanted to hear one thing from Jonghyun before he was leaving.

So he tried to ask while they sat in their pajamas, watching the television.

“So…are we… friends now?” Kibum fumbled with his fingers, then poked Jonghyun on his shoulder when it took him too long to answer.

“You can add the word boy for that,”

He froze. “Boy?”

Jonghyun chuckled softly. “Friends.”

“Boyfriends,” Kibum whispered and before he knew, Jonghyun pulled Kibum into his embrace and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

Fin! For real! I'm sure people won't eventually notice it is rewritten, but if you compare the first one with this version you can see that a lot of grammar is fixed and such things.

Thanks to Lissa1222 for willing to do the 11k word check, I love you ♥
 


For those who are - maybe - interested, I'm planning to write a short explaining chapter. Since I have basically soooo many more things I wanted to write but simply didn't have the words for or right scenes.

little bonus: I'm also planning to write short drabbles for this au because why not. maybe more to come. 
and yes it is completed, the story, the main story, because that's what I originally planned - jjong giving Kibum a hug and *boom* breakdown fluffiness happy ending.

Thanks for reading and have a nice week~