"He didn't feel anything."
This was what the doctors kept saying. He just stuffed himself with sleeping pills and only God knows what, laid in bed, fall asleep, and then? Then he died.

It all happened so quickly, I kept asking myself if it did happen at all.

Dying is simple, the day before you are there and the next, poof, you're gone, but death is not a problem for those who die. No, it is for those who have to live every day with the endless pain and emptiness it leaves.

Jung Hoseok died, leaving behind pain, emptiness and a long series of whys. Why he did that? Wasn't he happy? Why didn't he tell anyone?

"He was depressed and no one noticed" some people said, "He was fine, it must have been just a tragic accident," said others. But can it be called intoxication from benzodiazepines and alcohol a tragic accident?

However, the reasons that led him to make that decision remain, after almost three weeks after his death, unknown. And if it wasn't enough having to deal with the lack of him every ing day, there were the guilt feelings too. I kept blaming myself for... basically everything, all of those If onlys, I had known, Buts, I could have, and Maybes, it wouldn't have happened. They torture me, day after day, they consume me.

I still look for a clue in my memories, a sign, something that would help me understand his reasons, but I can't find any. The others had slowly moved on, they smile again, seems like they accepted his death, but me? No, I could never accept it, I could never stop thinking about him, if I ever did it would be like disrespect him and his memory.

Not being able to find something that justify his decision made it even more difficult to accept his death and the fact that I would not see him again. Missing him hurts me physically too, it's a pain that makes me hard to breathe. A black hole that grows and grows, more and more, and I hope it will swallow up me soon. Maybe it already did and I died too, or else why would I be able to see him now?

I see Hoseok, he's like an angel, or maybe a ghost, someone would say, from the world of the dead to torment me. He's wearing the same clothes of that ing day and he is even more beautiful than how I remembered him, but at the same time he's so different from that one. There are so many things I would like to say to him, but just a broken whispered "Why?" comes from my purple and trembling lips.

He looks at me with his black and captivating eyes, he heard me but doesn't say a word. Maybe the benzodiazepines really causes hallucinations and the dark brown haired boy at the bathroom doorway is just figment of my immagination. But only now that I'm staring in his tired and dull eyes I do understand that I've always known the answer to that question. Ho Seok sits next to me in the overflowing of cold water bathtub.

Shivers run all over my body as a new wave of tears mixes with water droplets falling from my wet hair "I miss you" I whisper to him, arms hugging my knees.
"I know" he puts an arm around my shoulders and God how I missed his voice too "Are you going to stay with me until I fall asleep?" I sniff resting my head on his shoulder as he nods a little.