July 16

Today, I found you.

You’re a boy I saw in the lecture hall who sits two rows in front of me, and you have long brown hair that I think really suits you. You caught my eye when I walked into the room for the very first time. I thought that I might sit next to you since there was an empty seat to your left but I got intimidated because I realised you are popular.

I’m Hong Jisoo, and I would’ve introduced myself to you had I not lost you in the throng of eager students wanting to leave the hall when the lecture finished.

I think it pays to know that I aspire to be a photographer someday, so I’m not really sure why I attended a Psychology lecture but I guess I’ll find a way to wind it into my work. I like to take pictures of people and things, lots of things, so if you find me carrying large bags everywhere around campus, you know why.

You were the first person who smiled at me today, so I hope that even though you have mobs of people surrounding you all the time (an exaggeration but close enough!), we can be friends.

July 24

You’re actually really nice. I don’t know what I expected but when I dropped my lens bag and you just about caught it before it crashed to the ground and broke into a thousand pieces that would’ve cost about a hundred dollars a shard, I think that I realised I was standing in front of an angel.

After buying you coffee as thanks for saving my life (or lens but pretty much the same thing), I later found out that you liked to call yourself ‘angel’ because of your birthday - October 4. I laughed because I thought you weren’t being serious and you didn’t look too amused that I wasn’t taking you seriously, so I thought that I had done the worst thing and offended you but then you started to laugh and told me you were joking. I’m not sure whether to believe you on that.

It’s weird that we both forgot to introduce ourselves to each other right off the bat, because it took us both half a cup of coffee before we realised we didn’t know each other’s names.

Your name is Yoon Jeonghan.

And I think I want to have you as the subject matter of my photography board this semester.

July 27

I asked you, and you said yes. I dedicated a hard drive just for your photos. Please don’t think of it as creepy, but I think you’re okay with it since you laughed at the labelled purple device you saw me carry to the psych lecture today. I guess you’re kind of used to having photographers as friends, huh? Or you’re just really accepting of the ways of Bachelor of Arts students.

You asked me if you were getting paid. I told you I would repay you using coupons for Chinese takeaway down the road from campus. You laughed and said ‘good enough’. I don’t know if I should be relieved you’re so easy-going about this, or you’re just a broke student who needs something - anything to pay for his food. Either way, it’s a win-win situation.

August 6

The first photo I took of you is also the first time I saw you with your journal. The photograph captures very little, only about a chunk of the tree you’re leaning against and a bit of the park behind you blurred out since the photo’s focus is you. You look like you have your eyes closed but really you’re looking down at the pages of the leatherback journal in your lap as you write down observations of your surroundings.

I didn’t know you were a writer. I wouldn’t have guessed it. But I guess I should have known. I’ve seen you numerous times with novels, and usually the only contents of your bag are borrowed books from the library. You told me you don’t own any books yourself, since you’re too broke to actually buy any so you indulge mostly in the fiction that is provided by the campus library.

You showed me a few pages of your journal, the ones you were comfortable sharing, and I think those poems are beautiful. I asked you why you wrote a poem on a garden of flowers. You smiled and said they were beautiful to you. I would have expected more, but the answer you gave me was enough.

I could see how much you admired them anyway, through the words written on the pages in your journal.

August 10

I think it was a mistake taking Psychology as a class this semester. I can’t stop psychoanalysing people I meet and you keep laughing at me whenever I complain about it. I captured a picture of you laughing when you caught me scrutinizing a person while applying the things we’ve learnt in class in my head. You told me to delete it because your nostrils are flared and your mouth is wide open, but it’s too good of a derp to let go, so I’m going to keep it. Maybe someday I’ll use it as blackmail.

August 19

You got really sick over the weekend. And by really, I mean really sick. You almost got admitted to the hospital but luckily your fever went down before your other flatmates decided they’d bring you in. I was really worried about you. I hope you’re okay now. I’ve still got half a board to fill and you’ve still got exams to study for.

August 22

You’re back to normal.

I missed you.

August 31

You decided to drag me out of my lectures today and instead you took me to the wharf and forced me to stay there for the entire day. I didn’t complain, the lectures are almost always boring anyway, but what I did complain about was that I didn’t dress for the coastal wind and the water spray. I was cold the entire time with my thin jacket, cotton shirt and skinny jeans, but I got some nice shots of the harbour and the sky, and you between all of that, so it didn’t end up being all that bad.

We settled down for ice cream, which didn’t do my body temperature any good but I am exceptionally good at hiding my discomfort so you had no idea. I found out you’re prone to stupidity and brain freezes, so I confiscated your mocha ice cream from you for a bit. It didn’t really do anything because you stole mine, which by the way you’ll owe me for.

I got a bit of a cold after that, and spent the night in bed watching Adventure Time.

September 7

I’ve compiled twelve photos of you for my board, and you are the first person to see it finished. Admittedly I was scared of how you would think of it. I hadn’t shown you most of the photos I’ve featured on it, so this was the first time you saw them. I couldn’t read your expression when I revealed them to you, which made me worry more. I started to sort through the pictures I remembered taking in my head, wondering what I could replace the pictures you decided weren’t good enough with. I found a couple good ones, but I had been sure all of the pictures I’d stuck on my board had been the best ones.

You then made all the worry dissipate because you smiled at me and told me every piece was beautiful. You even joked and said you’d employ me for your wedding pictorial one day, or maybe an underwear photo shoot for a Christmas card since the season’s coming up. I laughed, and then asked you which one you thought was the best piece.

You pointed to my favourite.

It was you with the brightest smile I had ever captured on your face.

It’s the same photograph that made me realise that I might like you.

September 12

You got drunk and told me you like a boy named Choi Seungcheol.

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I got jealous and left you.

I don’t know if I should have called to ask if you got home safely.

I just don’t know anymore.

 October 4

For your birthday I brought you to the botanical gardens. We had a kind of picnic underneath the cherry blossom trees but decided we should move because the blossoms kept blowing into our sandwiches and drinks. You were kind of disappointed you couldn’t keep sitting under there if you wanted to eat, torn between your two favourite things - nature and food, but I told you you’d get more chances to sit there later on after eating. I guess that was enough to reassure you because you stopped whining.

You fell asleep underneath a citrus tree, to later find ants crawling inside your shirt when you woke up. You hate bugs so it was a funny sight. Of course, I took pictures. Your expression is even worse here than that time you laughed at me for psychoanalysing people.

Maybe I’ll bring you here more often. It seems like a lot of fun for you.

October 8

Exams , but at least I see you more often because we study together most of the time. You have a tendency of passing out on your textbooks though, and I kind of need them too.

November 23

I want to confess to you. I tried today when you accompanied me to the gardens again, but when the moment came, I couldn’t do it. There was just no way I was going to do it at that moment because I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want you to stop looking at me as a friend, because if things don’t work out the way I want them to, I still want to be friends with you. I don’t want to lose what we have.

So maybe, I just won’t tell you. For both our sakes.

November 27

You confessed to Seungcheol today.

I cried when I heard he accepted your feelings.

December 19

Remember the photos I took that time we went to the botanical gardens? I was looking through them earlier today, trying to find a photograph to frame for you because you’d asked me to as a gift for Seungcheol on Christmas. I found a particular piece, it’s a favourite. I showed it to you when I saw you for lunch, and you asked me why I suggested it because you weren’t even smiling or looking at the camera.

To me, it’s perfect. I’ve told you many times before that I like it when you smile, and it’s true that most of the photos I take of you are when you’re smiling. But there are always going to be exceptions. This photograph is one of them.

Sometimes you’re sad, or thoughtful and calm. I think it’s important that I capture these moments too, because you’re not always going to be a person full of smiles. I don’t just want to have pictures of you when you’re happy, because that’s only one side of you when I know there are many more.

I tried to make you realise that not all photographs are meant to show just one side of a person, but you told me to pick another one so I did.

’He liked it.’

I know.

It used to be my favourite.

December 25

I spent Christmas with you, but at the same time I feel like I didn’t. We went to a party together at this person called Hoshi’s house. He lived kind of far so you had to drive us. It was fun, the drive, because we sang to songs like Eye of the Tiger and Livin’ on a Prayer among other great hits. You told me about your plans to write a novel, although that was looking to be almost impossible because you’ve hit what feels like a long term writer’s block.

You told me how you were doing with Seungcheol, and I stayed quiet through most of that. When we arrived at Hoshi’s place, I didn’t see you again. I spent time with people I’d never met before, and asked around for you but never seemed to be able to find you. In the end I ended up getting a taxi to take me home to my parents since the drive there was shorter than to go back to the dorms near uni. I left you a text telling you where’d I’d gone, but you didn’t answer until the next day.

‘Don’t worry, Seungcheol took care of me.’ was what your text said.

December 31

I confessed to you, and then you hurt me.

January 11

Fortunately, I’m able to hide my pain well, so you have no idea of the nights I spent crying since then.

February 1

I’m scared, Jeonghan.

February 17

“Who are you in love with?”

I got asked this question today, by my doctor the third time I went to see him this week. It was after all the blood tests the nurses performed on me, all the CT scans I had to go through, and the other tests they thought would get something out of me to help their diagnosis. I stayed in hospital for a night so they could monitor me, see what was wrong if there was even anything. You wouldn’t think nurses would panic over someone being unwell, but they did for me when they saw me vomit for the first time.

It wasn’t a pleasant sight, and the nurses were unfamiliar with my condition so I can’t blame them. All they could do was sit there and watch me retch and gag on flower petals as I tried to get them out of my system because they’d started to hurt my throat. They tried to help me, calm me even when I started to cry, because I just wouldn’t stop, and it’s like the pain only knew how to hurt me at night, when my mind would be free from distractions, and I would be alone with my thoughts.

Even after that they could find nothing wrong with me. I always come out of it normal again, even though my throat would be raw and my eyes swollen from the tears. I wish I could tell you that I’m perfectly fine, in fact my body is functioning well and my doctor says I’m healthy. Except I’m not. Not really.

March 5

I saw you today. You still have no idea, do you?

March 7

You told me before that flowers were beautiful, but how can I see them this way when they try so hard to choke me?

March 14

You found me in my weakest state. You saw the flowers, the petals you adore so much in plastic bags and rubbish bins. You saw them in my fists as I mixed them with my tears. You found the box of wilting petals underneath my bed, the ones I had been too scared to throw away because I knew they were a representation of my feelings for you. You found them all and knew exactly what was happening to me.

You apologised and started to cry.

March 19

Today, you kissed me.

You kissed me because you tried to show me that I wasn’t in love with you, that I didn’t like you at all. You tried to tell me that I was only in love with you in my pictures, the perfect Jeonghan that I managed to capture in every single one of my photographs of you. You told me to stop doing this to myself, to stop my suffering and let go of you. You told me that I was in love with a lost cause ...

But Jeonghan, I don’t think you understand. I don’t think you understand the way I feel about you. You don’t understand the way my heart beat sped up in my chest, the blood as it rushed to my face, the way my stomach jumped at the touch of your lips, the goosebumps that formed on my skin, and the way my brain had been sent into panic mode because the person I loved was kissing me.

You don’t understand how seconds after you pulled away I wanted to kiss you back, to tell you that I loved you even though you try so hard to convince me that I don’t. You don’t understand how difficult it had been for me to breathe seeing you look at me so kindly and yet, feel your pity in my bones. You don’t understand how the warmth of your lips lingered on mine for hours after that, and yet you dared tell me to stop fooling myself, because I didn’t love you.

You don’t understand that every hour I’ve spent with you from the moment I met you will forever be engraved in my memory. Your sole existence makes me happy, Jeonghan.

You said I loved the you in the pictures that I take.

But I don’t.

I love you.

June 10

You moved away when I least wanted you to.

I stayed when I least wanted to stay.

July 3

I’m okay.

July 4

Are you?

August 21

I saw Seungcheol the other day. I didn’t see you with him. It looks like he’s going to stay. I guess you two are over now.

August 24

I threw away your pictures, but I still love you.

September 13

I received a letter in the mail today. I had hoped you would send me one eventually.

I just didn’t think it would be an invitation to your funeral.

September 17

I reprinted all of your best photos and placed them inside a photo album to give to your parents on the day of your funeral. They cried when they saw what, or rather, who was inside. Had I not already used up all the tears in my body, I would’ve cried with them too, but I could only watch their tears fall and their sobbing grow louder as they flicked through your photographs.

Originally, I had wanted you to keep this album. I was going to give this to you once I’d completed a collection, but I realised long ago that I had enough photos of you to fill ten albums. The plan changed and I decided I would sort through them instead and find the most memorable ones. I never really got the time to do that until only recently, when the occasion called for it.

You know, I couldn’t even bring myself to walk to you when long ago that would’ve been the easiest thing I could have possibly done. I didn’t want to see you in your coffin, I didn’t want to think about how you wouldn’t exist anymore, how I would never get to see you smile again, or hear your laugh, and feel your touch. I didn’t want to miss you more than I already did, or lose you more than I already have. I didn’t want to risk forgetting you now that you’re gone, now that you’re no longer making memories with the people who knew you and loved you. I didn’t want to come to the conclusion that I had been too late.

The flowers they threw down at your coffin as you were lowered into the ground made me sick, but for the first time in a long time, I didn’t vomit petals.

I felt like I was free, and yet it hurt.

It hurt me more than when I loved you above everything else in the world.