can't you see me (in your eyes) anymore?

it begins with the lingering touches, jimin’s bright eyed smile aimed at him more times than he’s comfortable with, the praising and coddling in front of cameras. and jeongguk knows the fans live for this, breathe for every touch, every interaction, every breath he and jimin share. 

and each and every time, he seizes up, body stiffening, expression blank or even frowny, and he knows he doesn’t imagine the flash of hurt that passes over the other's gaze, the split second where his smile drops a fraction and jeongguk feels something, something, pulling at his chest. a whole, legitimate, gut wrenching feeling that compels him to reach for the other man's hand, to squeeze his small and soft palm, like just about everything else about jimin is. but he clenches his fist, and tries look away from jimin’s smile that doesn't quite reach the corner of his eyes. 

sometimes, he allows himself this. allows his hyung to drape himself all over him, indulges his “looking for jeongguk” quests, doesn’t react when jimin calls him cute, smiles even when he teasingly asks him for a kiss, two fingers pressing against a cheek, small mischievious smile like a ray of sunshine, so so warm, and so inviting. 

no one knows how much he wants to just give in to jimin’s requests, to lean in and press his chapped lips to jimin’s cheek, to take and take till he sees that smile on the other man’s face again. 

but most of the time, jeongguk is awkward. one hundred and seventy-eight centimetres of teenage emotions, grown into his limbs too quick and heart too confused to comprehend the small smiles, the hand on his shoulder that is more present than absent. and so he does what he's used to in uncomfortable situations. he retreats into his shell, teeth bared, hackles raised and more fight than flight. 

it all comes to an end on a thursday afternoon, practice room heady with tension, too many barked out corrections from their performance director, parquet floors stained with sweat and the air heavy with exhaled breaths. 

the room is quiet and suddenly too small, mirrors be damned, a quick water break a mirage in the scorching desert that is the basement of bighit entertainment's building. yoongi and namjoon are on their phones, bright screens highlighting the blemishes on their faces, sweat beading at their foreheads. hoseok and taehyung are passed out on top of each other, breathing heavy. seokjin is running over the choreography again, determined but tired gaze mirroring all of theirs. 

and jimin- 

“i’m so tired, jeonggukie,” comes the warning, red lights flashing in jeongguk’s mind accompanied with abort mission, abort before-

a heavy weight settles on his shoulders and back, and he cringes as a wet front presses onto his torso. jimin’s breath is slick against his earlobe, coming out in small puffs, and he stiffens, and they’re too close. too close for him to handle. and so he lashes out, weeks of tension building and bubbling till it all breaks the surface in the form of ill-thought-out words and sharp syllables, the only person he wouldn’t ever want to hurt the bullseye of his misplaced arrows. 

“maybe if you stopped fooling around and practiced a little more, given that it is your job as an idol, we could all go home earlier. or did you think that everyone would indulge in your antics, like we haven’t been practicing for six hours since morning, hyung?” 

there’s a short intake of breath, courtesy of seokjin, and namjoon and yoongi look up from their screens, yoongi’s face pulled into a frown and namjoon’s mouth opened in a dumb ‘o’. taehyung opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it, too shocked to react.

jimin is off him in seconds, recoiling like a scolded puppy, eyes glazed over with something jeongguk can’t place and jeongguk selfishly, stupidly regrets his words, but the damage is done. 

“jeongguk-“ hoseok says, tone cautious, admonishing even, but jimin cuts him off with a raised hand. 

“it’s okay, hyung. jeongguk’s right. i shouldn’t have fooled around. i’m sorry,” he whispers, fists clenched and eyes wet, hands wringing together, skin white and red, and jeongguk feels nauseous all of a sudden. 

jimin says he’s okay, but jeongguk can’t help but feel that he’s ruined everything, ringing loud in his ears, sounding almost like the crumbling of his heart. 

things are different, after that. jimin elects to stand the furthest away from him too many times for it to be a coincidence, gaze blank and unsearching when their eyes meet. and it hurts, ironically, when jeongguk watches jimin smile at something taehyung says, or laugh at one of hoseok’s lame body gags. jimin winces when jeongguk brings up his name in interviews, laugh too much of a bark to be genuine, and jeongguk knows he’s destroyed whatever pathetic thing they had going. 

and there’s no one to blame but himself. 

** 

seokjin takes him aside one day, late in the night when jeongguk’s raiding the fridge for a midnight snack. 

“sit down,” he says, and jeongguk doesn’t think to even argue when he sees seokjin’s bunched eyebrows and the tight line of his mouth. 

“i-“ he tries to say, but seokjin cuts him off with a soft, disapproving noise. 

“i don’t know what it is jimin ever did to you, but that day in the practice room... that was uncalled for, and you hurt him, jeongguk. i’m sure you know that.”

seokjin has always been soft edges and motherly coddling, but now, his words are as sharp as a blade, the only target being jeongguk’s heart. 

“but he hasn’t said anything-“ about now, jeongguk knows he’s lying, knows it down to the very depths of his heart in pieces, knows it down to jimin’s pained glances at him when he thinks he isn’t looking. 

“he doesn’t need to say anything, jeongguk,” seokjin says softly, eyes searching and placating, as if comforting a scared animal. 

“he cries you know,” seokjin sighs, tone sad and just a little bit resigned, “when he thinks everyone’s asleep at night.” 

and jeongguk feels all the air leave his lungs, breath caught in his throat, lodged like it could very well have been a rock. 

“fix it,” the older man says, “before you lose him completely.” 

and jeongguk knows that’s the last thing he could ever want. 

** 

it’s a quiet afternoon at the dorms, namjoon and taehyung away at a variety show taping, seokjin, yoongi and hoseok at the studio recording a demo. 

it’s just him and jimin left at the dorms, and normally, normally, jimin would be all over him, asking him to play NBA or Mario Kart on their TV. but this isn’t a normal afternoon, and jeongguk’s chest aches at the absence. 

he goes over to jimin’s room, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. 

“hyung?” he says to the closed door, and when he doesn’t hear any response, he knocks, knuckles rapping against the wood too loud in the quiet apartment. 

“jimin-hyung?” he says, and he’s suddenly reminded of all those times jimin would laugh when he refused to call him hyung, annoyed but never really angry. he wishes things were the same. 

he turns the door knob slowly when there’s no reply, palms clammy and slipping on the brass. 

“what do you want, jeongguk,” jimin says flatly, lying belly down on his bottom bunk, the acidic look he shoots jeongguk so misplaced on his small, soft face, and jeongguk flinches. 

“i-“ he chokes, stuttering and hands not knowing what to do, so he plays with the hem on his shirt, eyes downturned and feet together in the very definition of awkward.

jimin sighs, eyes closing.
“do you only want to talk to me when no one’s around?” he whispers, cheek pressed against the cotton of his sheets as he looks at jeongguk from beneath his lashes. 

“when you’re not embarrassed about me, fooling and mucking around with a hyung that never takes anything seriously, is that it?” he says, and everything hurts hurts hurts. jimin seems so small then, shoulders hunched and head bowed, eyes weary with an emotion jeongguk has seen one too many times. 

“no that isn’t it-“ 

“then what is it, jeongguk?” jimin says then, so softly he might as well have been talking to himself. 

“i-“ i’m confused, he means to say. i don’t know why my heart beats so fast when you put an arm around me, when you’re so warm and i can’t help but think that you’re my sun, but the sun shines for so many sunflowers, and sunflowers only know one sun, hyung, and i’m scared, scared of what this means and why you matter so much to me and when you praise me with that smile i can’t help but feel like i want to hold your hand and kiss you and is that so wrong? 

“i like you,” he says finally, and jimin looks up in surprise, can’t help the strangled noise he makes at the back of his throat. 

“i like you so much and i’m sorry, for lashing out at you, for ignoring you, for hurting you. i never meant to do any of that and i miss you, hyung,” jeongguk mumbles, his eyes strangely wet and the hem of his shirt wrinkled from how many times he’s twisted it between his fingers. 

he doesn’t expect the arms around his waist, the face pressed between his neck and shoulder, suspiciously damp, and the mumbled “ilikeyoutoo”.

“i like you so much, jeongguk, and you hurt me so much but i forgive you, because i like you, , i might even love you and i hate you so much,” jimin says, syllables morphing and blending into one incoherent jumble of emotions and jeongguk’s glad, for the man he has in his arms, and he traces his fingers lighly over jimin’s back, each touch like a white-hot brand.  

he looks down at jimin’s face, shining with tears but his smile so radiant, clinging to him like a piece of driftwood in the stormy sea that is his feelings, and he’s so in love, so warm. 

at that moment, looming comeback and complicated emotions aside, everything felt strangely right with the world. 

a/n: WHEW so thats the most words i've written in a long while???? let me know what you guys think oh my god please do comment it makes my day concrit is welcomed as well and i'm a little rusty after not writing for so long but i've completely forgotten how good it feels and also jikook im jikook trash  。゜゜(´Ｏ｀)°゜。tell no one i said that and is jealous jeongguk a thing or what if ur feeling the holiday spirit leave me an upvote if ur feeling it AND I WOULD RLY LIKE TO HEAR ALL YOUR THOUGHTS thank you for reading this hehe ♡＼(￣▽￣)／♡