There’s a moment of silence in which MinJun wonders just how far he can take this charade. For just how long he can faint ignorance and pretend that what is so clearly there, so palpable and so real, is really nothing to be concerned about. Nothing to worry over.

What a load of crap.

In hindsight he should've seen it coming from the start. From the second that boy walked into the class room. Out of breath and apologetic.  “I'm sorry I'm late.”

The first words to leave his mouth and at the time Minjun had not paid him or his words much attention. He was nothing but a TA at the time, with way too much crap on his plate to worry about a student been late. Truth be told if you were to ask him what he look like at that moment MinJun wouldn't be able to say either.

Now though… Now he blames it all on his pride.

 He was there first.

MinJun wants to scream it at the top of his lungs to anyone that would listen. I saw him first. I was there for him first.  He wants to confess to the world what he never had the courage to say out loud. He wants to turn back time. To go back to those wasted moments and discarded opportunities. He wants to take back all those maybe-later and forget about the what-if’s. He wants another chance. One he knows he would never get. One he knows he wouldn't have the courage to take even if it was offer. One he knows he doesn't deserve.

It's a mystery why he thinks about this now. Is not the time or place, but them again what exactly is the appropriate time and place for self-pity and regret?

“Hyung, what do you think?”

Funny how whenever he thought he had finally hit rock bottom the universe would surprise him with yet another level of the ultimate low.

“Is nice.” His answer is simple and the disappointment in Wooyoung is as clear as day. He takes the sheet of paper, reads it over once more and his shoulders deflate. He had been so sure of himself. So sure he nailed it this time around, and MinJun singlehandedly killed off all that excitement with a single word. MinJun sighs, feeling like a douchebag for taking that spark away. He's been petty. Mean. He's not been fair. But Wooyoung is not been fair to him either.

“Is good Wooyoungie.” MinJun finally says. “It’s more than good.”

He takes the paper from Wooyoung’s hands, reads over the lyrics once more. They are good. Really good. As expected. He puts aside feelings and bitterness. Locks them away like he had learn to do so many times before, and sits in front of the key board.  He one key, then another, tries to find the right feel, the melody that matches the words. He thought he knew it. Thought he had it, and he did at first.

When Wooyoung first approached him to work on another piece together he had been excited. At that time the melody was bright. The music had a life of its on, no effort need it. Like his relationship with Wooyoung, the music they made together was full of energy and excitement, but this… This had a different feel. These words spoke of so much more than MinJun would ever admit to been aware of. This was not for an upbeat tempo and heavy bass. These lyrics were not for a night of debauchery and a little too much drinking.

His hands hover over the key board, feeling the beat before his fingers come down. He lets it all go in the music, every ounce of bitterness inside of him pours out and he can't stop it. He can't stop the waterfall of emotions, but it isn't right. It doesn’t feel right. Is not what Wooyoung was expecting, and he stops just as suddenly as he started.

"Is it that bad..."

Wooyoung's voice is barely a whisper, but Minjun hears it loud and clear.

Is excruciating. He thinks.

"What is?" He asks instead as Wooyoung begins to make sense of the mess on MinJun’s desk. It’s been a while since he had done some cleaning. Actually it had been a while since he had done much of anything but work. Notebooks and sheet music are scatter over the desk and Wooyoung gathers then all, stacking them into a neat pile before he turns to MinJun. His lips are pressed into a thin line, and he forces smile. Small creases forming on his forehead.

"Been around me, Is it really that bad?"

"You know that's not it..."

Is a game MinJun’s gotten good at playing until now. Half-truth and insincere words.

"I'm just tired. I have that article to finish and my manuscript…”

The corner of Wooyoung’s lip turns up, a cynical smile MinJun had seen once or twice before. Just never aimed at him.

"I'll see you later hyung…” Wooyoung’s hand rest a top the pile of notebooks and papers he just organized, the expression on his face distant and unreadable.

"Let's try working on the song again later ok?”

It is a desperate attempt at turning things around. At wiping the unfamiliar expression of Wooyoung’s face.

"I think I'll ask Junho, he has a little more time on his hands since he's done with his done with his drama..."

"Oh..."

"Get some rest hyung." The concern in his face is real and something deep inside MinJun cracks.   "I'll see you later ok?"

Is not until much later, when Wooyoung’s gone and not even a long shower is able to settle the restless feeling in MinJun’s chest, that Wooyoung’s expression finally makes sense. Is funny how he didn’t notice it before, sitting right on top of the stack Wooyoung neatly organized is the printed copy of the article he had finished earlier that morning.

In a universe where life is peaches and creams Wooyoung never saw it. Didn't notice the lie sitting atop of the mess. But MinJun had stopped believing in shooting stars a long time ago.

He doesn't do anything about it. Much in the same way he hasn't done anything about a lot of the recent ups in his life.

*

“You don't know me do you?”

MinJun tried to remember. Tried to recall a time when those small eyes had been fixated on him the same way they now were. He figured he would remember. Someone like this guy was impossible to forget.

"Wooyoung. Jang Wooyoung? Music class?"

Ah! The name was familiar to him and he tried to put a face to the boy that was always 5 minutes late to roll call. Remembering if there was a time when he paid attention to something more than the names on a sheet. There’s a faint memory of a hooded figure rushing to class and a poorly executed recital, but is stops there.  

"You are always late"

 It was the only thing he could recall for certain and Wooyoung's cheek slowly turned a rosy pink in confirmation. He couldn't help but find it cute. Found himself intrigued with the way the boy’s eyes drifted, not looking at anything in particular yet seeing it all. A complete contrast to the face he had when Minjun found him in the music room. Focus. Sharp. His eyes fixated on the music sheet. Unsure. Insecure.

"You are lousy TA... not even remembering your students." He mumbled, and Minjun found himself wondering what else he could do to trigger that beautiful shade of red that decorated the boy's cheeks.

"You never gave me a reason to remember you... until now."

"If that was meant as a compliment you fail." He sat in front of the piano next to MinJun, glancing hastily at the music sheet MinJun had been working on. There were a few scribbles here and there. Notes MinJun had added. Lines Wooyoung had switch. They were strangers up to an hour ago. Not that anyone could tell if they saw them now.

 His fingers hastily touched the keys. Testing it out.  Wooyoung wasn't skill at playing. Something else MinJun barely remembered from class, but he knew the basics, and at times that was enough. Music MinJun knew was not always about skill or raw talent. Sometimes music just had to be felt.

“So what do you think?” Wooyoung questioned. The low pitch of his voice giving away at his excitement.

“I think we can work with this. There may be hope for you yet”

"You think?"

MinJun nodded in confirmation. Setting the sheet music down, studying it for another second before bring it to live. It was the sound of music that had drawn him to this room. The bit of noise in an otherwise deserted place.

“You know… I did have a reason to remember you.” Wooyoung’s voice was drown out by the sound of the music, but MinJun still kept playing. Unable to help but cast side long glances at the boy sitting beside him. Eyes close, head thrown back. Feeling the music in a way MinJun had not done so in a long time.

*

Simple distractions don’t help him anymore.

He’s not really watching but the TV is on in the background, the only source of noise in an another wise quite room. In front of him sheets of papers are scatter. Crumbled up and toss to the floor, always missing the trash can by a few inches. He reaches for the mug in front of him only to find it empty, the coffee dried and sticky stuck to the bottom.  It didn’t take much for the glass barrier that he built around himself to crumbled. Words coming in and out of focus. What only moments before had been eloquent phrases, now were nothing more than a jumble mess of thoughts urging him to refocus. To put them back in order again, make sense of the mess.

He lets out a breathy sight and Denver whom had been sleeping at his feet grumbles. Not happy about the interruption, but MinJun dismisses it in favor of glancing at the TV.

He recognized the jingle. The source of the distraction. It was as familiar to him as the face that smiled at him from the flat screen. It was some sort of cosmetics this time. The last one had been about a new line of clothing, and the one before a chicken commercial.

That one was the worse. It reminded him of one too many pillow talks. Of Wooyoung’s excitement as he sleepily told MinJun how he finally got to advertise something he truly enjoy eating.

He missed that the most. Late night talks and silly banters over what kind of takeout they should have for dinner.

 Their relationship had blossom from a friendship that MinJun had cherish more than anything else in life. Wooyoung had showed up suddenly and unexpected, and MinJun had no choice but let him in.

He rekindled a flame MinJun had thought was long gone. He was at his best during those early stages. Some of his best work written during those times. Yet now that it was gone everything seemed mediocre in comparison. It wasn't just his opinion. Taecyeon had made it very clear in the last email he had sent. Dry. Lacking heart. Some of the adjectives he had used to describe his last article.

When Taecyeon had recruited him to freelance for the magazine he worked for MinJun thought "that was it". His way in. And at the time it had been the case. But a lot changes when emotions get the best of you, and life just conspires to make you miserable.

There’s a noise in the background that tugs at the back of his mind, and is not until there is 3 missed calls and a single text “I know you are there. Open up” that he realizes is the doorbell that has been going off for a while. He gets up reluctantly, dragging his feet until he’s in front of the door.

Nichkhun greets him with a "You look like " as he walks in, bags from Minjun’s favorite take out joint on hand.

"When was the last time you ate?" He drops the bags on the counter. Glancing around the kitchen in a way that faintly reminds MinJun of his mother's look of disappointment whenever he didn't clean his room as a kid.

"Real food" Nichkhun adds before MinJun can answer. The dirty bowls of ramen and snack wrappers a tell-tell sign of his latest eating habits.

"Are you here to nag me about work or my life style?” MinJun questions. Unable to help himself as he opens the bags Nichkhun had just set down. Dinner consisted of Pad Thai and some whole fried fish top with a sauce that was sweet sour and spicy all at the same time. All of MinJun’s favorite. this was worse.

“I’m not in the mood for pep talks Khun.” He deadpans.

“I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t give me a reason.”

“I never did.”

“Taec doesn’t seem to think so.”

“Well Ok Taecyeon needs to mind his own damn business.”

Nichkhun ignores him in a favor of serving the food. Anyone else would be quick to give up. But this was Khun. Obnoxiously patience Khun. There was a time when they use to share a one-bedroom flat. Back when life was a bit more difficult and paying rent on a part-timer salary meant going weeks with nothing but eggs and rice as a source of nourishment.

There was not much you could hide from someone that had seen you at your worse.

“When was the last time you two talked?”

 MinJun's mind briefly wonders to the previous night. To the apology he should've, but never sent. “He needed help with a song he’s been working on.”

“And you that up too didn't you? At least he has the guts"

“To do what?”  “This was a decision we both made. He made his choice.”

“And you made yours.”

“He chose what he wanted in life. Me and his dreams just don't..."

"You wouldn't know about that either...You gave up on those as well" Khun doesn't look up from his food as he speaks. And MinJun is once again reminded of this man's uncanny ability to imply so much while saying so little.

*

"So if it's nothing serious then what is it then?"

He opened his mouth to answer but the words never came. How do you explain something you don't fully comprehend? Their situation was not something he could simply put into words. It wasn't complicated and in that laid the confusion. It was so effortless it scared him out of his wits.

"Just give it a rest"

He tried to focus. Finals were days away and he couldn't afford any screw ups in his last year. He needed to get his priorities straight. Yet It couldn't be help. Ever since that day in the music room Wooyoung was everywhere. Or perhaps he had always been there and MinJun just hadn't noticed.

He walked with a pep to his step, his face partially hidden under his hoodie, and headphones peeking from under the cloth. He was aware of Chansung's scrutinizing eyes on him, but he couldn't help it as his eyes follow the boy from a distance. The university commons were busy at this time of day. People coming and going as the day slowly came to a close.  The perfect spring weather giving everyone a reason to just find a table outside and take advantage of the rarity of a good weather day. Yet amongst them all Minjun still only saw him.

"Just talk to him hyung"

"Is not that simple Channie..." He glanced in Wooyoung's direction once more to find him talking to someone MinJun didn’t recognized.

"Isn't?" Chansung stood up, his hand patting MinJun's shoulder.

Wooyoung was smiling now, his hands coming up to grab at his headphones and resting then around his neck. It was at that moment that he glanced over, his eyes meeting MinJun's. Surprised at first, but then there was something else there. A expression MinJun was not sure how to read. He smiled, and MinJun found himself doing the same in return.

"I know Woo a lot longer then you have, so trust me. It is that simple."

Chansung chuckled under his breath at the grimace in MinJun’s face as he waved Wooyoung over. He excused himself and immediately rushed over. He greeted Chansung with a simple hello, but it was MinJun whom his eyes found first and just like that all the previous doubts that had been clouding his mind banished.

It wasn't until much later, when the school grounds were mostly deserted and Chansung long gone that MinJun even consider Chansung's words. Wooyoung had somehow managed to sit beside him, every other seat in the table they occupied empty. Their books were stack neatly on the table; the wrappers of the snacks they had been eating stuff neatly into an empty coffee cup.

"Why do you do that?" He questioned and Wooyoung turned his attention to him, confusion clear in his eyes.

"Do what?"

MinJun crumbled the bag of ships he had been eating, letting it fall on that table and waited. Almost immediately Wooyoung reached out, taking the wrapper and adding it to the ones already stuffed in the cup.

"That!"  His laugh was muffled by the back of his hands as Wooyoung watch him, his small eyes growing bigger as he realized what Minjun was referring to. That almost imperceptible shade of red decorating his cheeks.

“I can't help it” he defended, shying away from Minjun and glancing at the floor “I can't stand unnecessary messes and you are the worse!”

“It's cute” Minjun added. Unable to stand having Wooyoung look away from him any longer, and effectively getting his attention. “You are cute… OCD tendencies and all.”

It was MinJun’s turn to glanced away. The air around him growing stuffier with every second. He tried to focus on what the they had been working on prior to getting side track, but for the life of him he couldn't remember.

“Now is my turn to ask you a question” Wooyoung added after a while.

“What would you like to know?” There was very little Minjun wouldn't say at that moment.

“Why writing?”

“What do you mean?”.

Wooyoung bit his lower lip, taking his time to answer, but Minjun didn't minded. It was already late afternoon and the absence of light did wonders to Wooyoung’s profile. MinJun could stare at him for hours. Analyzing every curve and blemish on his face. Committing every single detail to memory. At times he looked young, childish, and even a bit naïve. Yet on occasions like this one it was as if the world rested on his shoulders and he carried it with grace and determination.

“You love music… It just…” He finally spoke. “It just comes so natural to you, yet you major in literature and journalism? It just doesn't fit. Someone like you should be in a studio day and night. Your voice belongs to the world yet you hide behind your books. You have a way with words… And that shouldn't be wasted writing some article only a handful of people are going to bother to read.”

He took a long breath, the color of his cheeks slowly going from a rosy pink to an infuriating red, the tip of his ears turning to match. MinJun just stare, and that only made it worse. He couldn't help it. Reaching out and resting the tip of his fingers under Wooyoung's chin.

“Don't look away… Please” He slowly turned Wooyoung's face towards him. “You know… I think you are the first person to ask me that question.”

“And no I don’t mind that you asked…” He added as an afterthought and Wooyoung visibly relaxed. MinJun’s hand had slowly gone from Wooyoung's chin to rest on the younger’s lap. There really was no explaining how they had gotten so close. Their knees brushing with every move. Wooyoung's hand tentatively inching closer. Their fingers brushed and an excruciating heat quickly traveled the length of his arm. Yet rather than shy away from it he made the next move. His fingers intertwining with Wooyoung's as an almost inaudible sigh of relief escaped the younger.

“So why…” Wooyoung asked. His voice low and barely audible to anyone but MinJun.

“I don't know” he said honestly “I guess I didn't trust myself to be able to handle what comes with chasing such an unrealistic dream.”

“Unrealistic?” Wooyoung repeated the word, a somber expression clouding his features and MinJun immediately understood the reaction. He knew Wooyoung's situation. Had heard it from Chansung once and had seem plenty of it circulating the rumor mills. A trainee from some big agency majoring in music. Lack of talent. Nothing but looks going for him. Especial treatment.

“Your case is different”

“How so?” Wooyoung questioned, wiggling his fingers and forcing MinJun’s palm open. For a second MinJun thought he had screwed up, but the next second Wooyoung laid MinJun’s palm flat, his fingers tracing the lines on MinJun’s hand.

“You want it bad enough to not care about what anyone has to say. You are talented enough to not have to worry about what people have to say.”

“You are a lot more talented than I can ever hope to be…”

“But you have the heart and determination to make up for what you are lacking.” MinJun finally said, unable to help himself as he leaned even closer.

This situation had two possible outcomes. One: Chansung had been wrong and MinJun had been reading too much into it all. He was the only one feeling anything at all and his next actions would probably end what could had been a beautiful friendship.

Two:

Wooyoung close his eyes and MinJun’s heart skip a beat. One. Two. Three. He counted every second it took to breached the distance. Savor the feeling of anticipation mix with the train wreck of emotions that crashed into him as their lips met.

It was short. And oh so sweet. MinJun found himself pulling back, eyes half closed, mouth slyly open. A breathy sigh escaped him as Wooyoung leaned forward, his forehead resting on MinJun's shoulder as he spoke.

“I was hoping you would do that.” He confessed and MinJun only smile. Not saying a word. Not trusting himself to say what was right at that moment and not knowing if there was really anything to say.

He also didn't say that it all scared him. That he was afraid Wooyoung was just another dream he wouldn't be able to reach. Another dream he wouldn't have the guts to fight for.

*

At the end of the day it would always come down to pride.

Yet at this moment in time MinJun couldn’t care less about it. He screams at the top of his lungs. Tells the world what he had wanted to say out loud so many times before. 

I love you Jang Wooyoung!”

He screams it along with thousands of other fangirls that had gathered to watch Wooyoung perform. His heartbeat accelerates as Wooyoung takes the stage. He stands there like he owns the place. And If he were to ask anyone there that night, they would say that he does. Everything about him is radiant. His voice. His presence. The way he smiles as he stands in front of a mic stand. He owns the stage. He owns the night. And he owns so much more than that.

MinJun just hopes is not too late for him to tell him that.

The song that plays next is one he recognizes. A song they wrote together once upon a time in a music room back in college. They were kids then. And a small part of him wishes they could go back to those times. Back when things were easy and they wrote music together to pass the time. Back to sneaking around in public bathrooms and holding hands under the tables in public places. He wishes he could go back to that day before they fought. Back to before MinJun said so many things he still regrets. Back to when things were as simple as breathing... 

MinJun can’t say what would happen next. It was his fault that they were in this situation to begin with. It was him the one that got tired. It was him the one that got enough.

It was him the one that gave in to fear and insecurities after all.

Yet as he stands in Wooyoung’s dressing room a while later, the silence thick and heavy around them he cannot recall a single reason as to why he shouldn’t do what he was about to do.

“I can’t promise you I won’t chicken out again.”

Is the most honest he had been in a very long time and the silence from Wooyoung encourages him to go on.

“But I don’t think I can give you up…”

“What made you change your mind?” Wooyoung’s voice is steady. Compose. Yet MinJun can easily tell everything he is not saying. He’s unsure. Insecure and hesitant. A world of difference from the man that had stand on stage not long ago.

“You gave me a reason to not forget you.”

Minjun simply says and Wooyoung smiles after a few seconds. MinJun doesn’t question it. It would take some time for things to go back to the way they were. Putting the broken pieces back in order will take time and effort. Effort he was willing to put in.

But at that time… as Wooyoung smiles at him shyly MinJun just lets himself get carry away… loses himself in that moment…