The soft glow of the television illuminated the air around it, a pale hue settling gently on the crown of Kyungsoo’s head as he watched the screen with dull eyes, taking in the image of the face he had grown so fond of. Jongin looked great on screen. They had chosen a photo that he had taken with his dog, its fur and skin pressed together along with Jongin’s most dazzling grin and his soft brown hair mussed.

The word ‘MISSING’ bolded and capitalized stood valiantly below his image as the newscaster’s voice seeped into Kyungsoo’s ears. His eyes fell shut, Jongin’s face imprinted on the darkness of closed eyelids as the words resonated in his brain and waited to be comprehended.

Kim Jongin has been missing for 72 hours. Family and friends are assisting the police in investigations and the nationwide search is still ongoing. Anyone who has seen him may contact the police department of lost souls.

A half-empty bottle of Chivas Regal lay an arm-length away from him, the artificial light reflecting off the cold hard glass. The hotel ceiling pulled into sight when he opened his eyes to meet the world again. The ornate sofa he was lying on felt just like a giant slab of marble, unyielding and cold.

He hadn’t slept in three days. Jongin came back to him whenever he tried to throw himself into the well of darkness. The warmth of his arm as they sat huddled together under the apple tree could easily drive him insane, could work better than any alcohol in the world. His smile, his voice, his eyes, Jongin.

What had he done? Or rather, what he had not done?

Love was a bittersweet lozenge he was choking on, seemingly sweet at first yet becoming ever so bitter towards the end, when Jongin would push his hands away and yell at the top of his voice. All he had tried to do was preserve the love they once had before they lost everything completely.  Last night had been tormenting. And The alcohol had not helped either.

Jongin’s voice kept him company last night, and Kyungsoo was helpless as he listened to him talk about how they weren’t working out and he wasn’t ready to settle down, not with him, not anytime soon. He didn’t even want to be with Kyungsoo anymore. He wasn’t yelling. That was how Kyungsoo knew he was serious. He was just standing there, staring straight into Kyungsoo’s eyes as he said those words over and over again.

Kyungsoo had not been able to stand for long without feeling his legs turn to jelly ever since.

Tonight it was Jongin’s touch. He could feel his long slender fingers wrapped around his forearm and the ticklish brush of his hair against his neck. There was no need to reach for the half-finished bottle of alcohol, it would seem. Tonight he would not need to get high, to get out of this mind. He could stay as long as Jongin would. It was the sweetest feeling yet, to feel Jongin so close to him once again. He had been gone for a very long time, way before he immortalized the truth in the form of words. And Kyungsoo had known and denied the truth for an equally long time.

They hit a wall, and they couldn’t get over it. There was nothing more to it.

The sugar slipped right through his fingers as the hotel ceiling blurred and Kyungsoo curled into a fetal position, hugging his knees to his chest. His eyes brimmed with tears that flowed freely into the fabric.

Jongin’s touch was so cold. The sweetness dissipated on his tongue as the bitterness caught up again. It was coming round full circle.

Lost, Kyungsoo thought, I am so lost.

He sighed. In the midnight unsteadiness, they were back at where they started; a candle without a flame, never meant to be lit. A realization that came just a little too late.

-

The pantry was empty. Kyungsoo stirred his coffee, half-fascinated by the spiral of steam rising from it, half-distracted by the approaching footsteps. One hour from midnight. The building was almost too quiet with everyone gone. Kyungsoo thought he was the only employee left, until the footsteps came to a stop right at the entrance of the pantry. He glanced back, eyes meeting those of Kim Jongin, who worked in the sales department.

“Hi,” Jongin greeted him with a small smile. “I wasn’t expecting anyone here.”

“Neither was I,” Kyungsoo admitted. “What are you still doing here?”

“I’m still working on my presentation. The meeting’s tomorrow.” Jongin stepped into the pantry, reaching up for the handle. The cupboard swung open with a creak. He grabbed a packet of instant coffee powder and shut it again, before settling beside Kyungsoo where the flask of hot water was.

“Right,” Kyungsoo said with a sigh. Jongin’s tie was long gone, he noticed. His white dress-shirt was rumpled and the collar was ed all the way down to the second button, exposing a bit of a sturdy chest. His hair was no longer gelled as well, giving way to disarray. Kyungsoo had ran into him once in the morning in the elevator, and they had exchanged sleepy greetings. It was tousled, as though Jongin had fallen asleep at his desk or something. He looked really cute.

“Good luck then,” Kyungsoo threw a smile at the other male as he lifted his cup of coffee carefully.

Jongin watched him with sparkling eyes as he stirred his coffee. “Back at you,” he grinned, and looked more awake.

Kyungsoo’s heart thumped a little faster. His jaw hung open for a second too long, gaze lingering on Jongin. “Alright,” he muttered, more to himself than anyone else, but he still could not look away.

It had started when Jongin found his way to the rooftop a month ago. It had been a particularly rough day, and Kyungsoo was leaning his weight against the railings, musing. Rarely anyone came to this safe sanctuary of his. It was where he went whenever he needed to be alone and think. But Jongin had broken into his safe zone and approached him, asking if he was alright. They didn’t speak much, and Jongin left after 10 minutes or so. Kyungsoo found himself staring after him ever since.

“Say, do you wanna go somewhere we can sit together? It’s boring and unmotivating doing my work in an empty office. We can do our work together in the conference room.”

The mouthful of hot coffee Kyungsoo had just swallowed burst into flames in his body.

“Yeah,” he heard himself saying, “perfect.”

That was what he truly meant as Jongin’s grin grew wider in response. He wish he could tell Jongin what his smile looked like, but how could he accurately describe the way daffodils bloomed in spring?

-

“You’re quitting?”

“You heard me correctly.”

Kyungsoo ran a hand through his hair, heart sinking in his chest. “But it’s only been four months since you joined us. Did something happen?”

The wind ruffled Jongin’s hair, the setting sun in the horizon before them melting into his eyes. “Nothing happened. In fact, It’s lovely working here. The people are nice, and the work is pretty manageable too. But that’s the problem. I need to find something new, something more interesting. It’s getting boring.”

Kyungsoo’s spit tasted like ashes on his tongue. “Have you found another job?”

“Not yet. I’m going to resign in two weeks. I’m planning to drive South during the weekend to look for one.”

If two people were meant to be, no distance was too far, no amount of time was too long, and no one could tear them apart. Kyungsoo knew that. He weighed the words carefully on the tip of his tongue before they spilled over unconsciously. He knew that all too well, and that was why he was more afraid that they weren’t meant to be than the thought of Jongin leaving.

“Why South? You can look for one here, in the city.”

Jongin’s smile was just as dazzling in the sunset as it was under fluorescent light bulbs. Still daffodils blooming in the rain. “Where’s the fun in staying in one place for too long?”

His heart was slamming against his ribcage along with the words he was still holding back, blood rushing up to his face. Kyungsoo’s grip around the railings was so hard his knuckles were turning white. “So you’re going South,” he said in a flat voice. “That’s cool.”

“You don’t mean it.” Jongin’s concerned eyes were too much to handle. He was burning holes in Kyungsoo’s soul. “What’s wrong?”

He could lie. He could let him go and hope someone else like him would come along.

Kyungsoo turned away, looking at the small city below them from the rooftop mounted above fifty floors. It wasn’t easy to lie to Jongin. He was an open book to him and no one else.

“Nothing. I’m just sad you’re leaving.”

“You could come with me, you know.”

“Or you could stay.”

A frigid smile was all the answer he needed, accompanied by the sudden stillness of the air around them.

“I think I could be in love with you.” Kyungsoo whispered, his words carrying easy as the breeze came back and brushed across their faces as gently as a lover’s kiss. “So don’t say it, whatever you’re going to say. I know it hasn’t been very long since we met but nobody has ever made me feel the way you did. I just thought I should let you know. You don’t have to say anything.”

The silence that followed thereafter was more painful than the news of Jongin leaving. Kyungsoo took a shaky breath, letting go of the railings as he prepared to turn around and leave. It would be two more weeks before Jongin leaves. He could very well avoid him for the next two weeks until they never had to see each other again. He could do it. But he found himself glancing at Jongin anyway, and feeling all the air leave his body as the taller male stared at him.

There was something in his eyes Kyungsoo had never seen before. “Do you mean it?” Jongin asked when courage found its way to Kyungsoo, plentiful enough for him to meet Jongin’s eyes.

“Don’t ask if it’s not going to matter,” he whispered.

“It is,” Jongin confirmed resolutely, and that was all it took for Kyungsoo to nod slowly. What happened next felt more like a distant fairytale than anything else, and a little blurry whenever Kyungsoo tried to think about it again. Jongin leaned down and met Kyungsoo’s lips with his own, softly. It took a long time before Kyungsoo could shut his eyes and relish in the feeling of the warm lips pressed against his, and a longer time before the unexpected kiss ended.

“I’ll stay for a while more. Not in the company, I mean. But I won’t go South just yet.” Jongin told him. Their faces were still incredibly close. Kyungsoo could see his own face in those brown orbs. “I think I could be in love with you too; that’s what I’m trying to say.”

-

The escape from the summer heat was found right in the shade of a tall apple tree. A happy sigh eased through Kyungsoo’s full lips as he hooked his arm around Jongin’s elbow, leaning sideways to rest his weary head upon a broad shoulder.

“This is nice,” he remarked, feeling pleased.

Warm fingers cupped the side of his face, thumb his cheek in slow movements. Jongin smiled.

“There’s something I want to ask you.”

The warmth was making him feel a little drowsy. His eyelids fell shut, his face nuzzling into Jongin’s T-shirt. “Mmhm?”

“If I were to leave tomorrow, would you come with me?”

“Where?”

“South. East. Across the Pacific Ocean. To the other side of the world. I dunno, same thing really. Would you come with me?”

Jongin’s brown hair was alive with sunlight as Kyungsoo looked up, the blissful smile gone. His boyfriend wasn’t smiling either. His jaws were clenched, brows pulled together - a picture of seriousness. This wasn’t a Jongin that appeared very often. It was usually all smiles and happiness between them. Yet now he spoke of leaving.

“Why do you ask?”

He shrugged his shoulders, gaze falling away. “Just curious.”

“I don’t know, love. Maybe yes. Maybe no. But if it’s not going to happen, then it shouldn’t matter.” Kyungsoo intertwined their fingers; his grip tight around Jongin’s limp fingers, leaving him with no time, no space to correct his statement. “What are your plans for tomorrow? How is Lu Han?” he asked, hoping he could turn the conversation around.

But his boyfriend was lost. The faraway look in his eyes was indicative of that. He would do this disappearing thing sometimes. Be there physically with Kyungsoo, but also a thousand miles away. Kyungsoo would curl pliantly against his warm body, arm locking his waist in place, holding his husk as he waited for Jongin to come back. Sometimes he took a minute, sometimes an hour, and sometimes days.

Still, he always came back. Kyungsoo tried not to notice how it felt like Jongin had ten million pieces and every single time he went away, fewer pieces of him returned. He would come back and that was all that mattered. Kyungsoo just had to think of something before he faded away completely.

The sun was hidden behind the tangle of thick branches above them but Kyungsoo could see it in his mind; the day the earth stopped orbiting around the setting sun as they stood on the rooftop and shared an evanescent kiss, one that offered him a preview of what was in store for him. He had talked of leaving then, driving South to get another job, not settling down at one place.

Kyungsoo pushed himself up enough to plant a light kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. Jongin smiled at him through empty eyes. Kyungsoo kissed him one more time before his head fell onto his broad shoulder again, their fingers still interlocked and placed atop Kyungsoo’s thigh.

The summer air swallowed them whole, as one, as Jongin’s steady breathing lulled him to sleep, along with the occasional rustle of the leaves overhead and the chirping of birds all around. He hoped it would be night when he opened his eyes again, so he wouldn’t have to face the sun and be reminded of things he wasn’t ready to confront. He had known it all along, really, but always thought it was still too soon to worry. As naive as it was, he still believed that as long as he wished with all his heart, things would go the way he wanted them to.

Stop thinking, he ordered himself and gave Jongin’s fingers a tight squeeze. There was neither response nor a common platform of silence they could indulge in together. Kyungsoo knew that someday he would think back and wish he could come back to this very moment, so he let his thoughts creep into the darkness of the void and lived this moment with everything he had; Jongin, summer, the apple tree.

He could not look back. He had to continue walking down this path even if the dream was spiraling downwards, morphing into a nightmare shaped suspiciously like the man right beside him. There were some choices he could not regret.

If I look back, I am lost.

-

It was another world that was reflected on the river surface, half a million white and yellow and and green lights like stars on the tranquil surface, all blurred together to paint the image of a lost city and its lost souls. Jongin had his upper half slung over the railings, arms swinging freely as he smiled sideways at Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorely tempted to jump over and go for a swim right now.”

For a fleeting moment, two silhouettes appeared on the river surface, dark and unrecognizable.

“And you’ll be sorely sorry,” Kyungsoo said, eyeing his formal attire.

Jongin’s grin only grew. “Don’t worry ‘bout it,” he swatted at the empty space before him. “This job pays well. I can afford a brand new suit. Ten more, even.”

“Cocky,” the smaller male remarked. “You might not even get the job.”

“Nah, I’m sure I will.”

“It’s your third job this year, Jongin. When are you going to stop hopping around?”

The city above the river surface was alive. A crowd of drunk teenagers swaggered past them, yelling at the top of their voices about parties and more alcohol. Jongin waited until they were long gone, until they could no longer hear their voices, before he spoke in a quiet voice that seemed unbefitting of this city so filled with life.

“I’m not playing around if that’s what you’re thinking. This is what I do. I told you long ago. I’m not going to settle down. I can’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But not now. Definitely not here. I told you there is something I’m looking for - I don’t know what it is yet, but I have to find it.”

Kyungsoo hitched his backpack up his shoulder, one arm braced against the railings as he gazed sideways at his boyfriend. He looked exactly like what Kyungsoo had been waiting for his entire life, in a rumpled dress-shirt and meticulously gelled hair. It was like he was blowing out the candles on his birthday cake again, and his birthday wish had materialized and come to life right before him.

“What about me?” The question was delivered in a barely audible whisper as he scrutinized Jongin’s face carefully. Jongin was never someone to mask his emotions. It was easy to read him. In the blissful 6 months they had spent dating, Kyungsoo had seen Jongin angry, happy, sad, startled and anxious. But his boyfriend’s face was a perfect stone sculpture now; there was nothing, nothing to show that he was even capable of feeling. That would have been easy to believe, if not for the entire universe that was reflected in his eyes, and there was half a million white and yellow and green lights like the stars he saw. Except nothing was quite the same. The flipped side of the same coin. He and Jongin seemed to be living in parallel universes. “Are you going to move on from me as well?”

For the first few seconds, his breath hitched as the air thickened with the anticipation of an answer that wouldn’t let him down. It became a fog; intangible distance pushing them yet further apart. When he realized he wouldn’t be getting the answer he wanted to hear, or any answer for that matter, he let his clenched fists come loose and kept his gaze steady on Jongin’s face.

Shadows moved across Jongin’s face that said what his silence did not.

And Kyungsoo realized he was wrong.

He had his answer after all.

He just always found his answers in words, but as their eyes met, he saw that the summer had been spent away in Jongin’s eyes and the answer had weaved itself into his silence. There was no better way Jongin could have delivered it.

The river surface was still glimmering with the same lights, except everything had changed and Kyungsoo wrapped his arms around himself.

“Autumn too soon,” he said to the dark night and smiled feebly.

-

The tattoo parlour was dingy, a grey wash that was a far contrast against the vibrant colors of the world outside these walls. Kyungsoo couldn’t help taking a step back. His small movement caught Jongin’s attention and his boyfriend half-turned to him, his long hair falling across his eyebrows like waves sweeping across the shore. He always looked like he fitted right in with the world wherever he was, and was a part of everything beautiful. Jongin flipped his fringe to the side impatiently, and Kyungsoo knew their next stop would be the barber.

“Are you having second thoughts now?” Jongin asked, tone teasing, but eyes serious.

Kyungsoo eyed the owner who had stepped away from the counter to greet them, the stereotypical image of a tattoo artist. His skin was lined with black ink, intricate lines curling around his bicep, right above a bold rose as dark as night.

Tattoos had never appealed that much to him. He had never thought of getting one, certain he could never pull it off. Funny how all his certainties became uncertain after falling in love.  Kyungsoo took a deep breath and turned to Jongin, dragging his words out.

“I’m sure. I’m ready.”

“Great,” said Jongin with a wide grin, and Kyungsoo wished the moment had lasted a little longer. He didn’t seem to make Jongin smile that much nowadays. So naturally, he perkily went along with it when Jongin suggested they get matching tattoos, though to Kyungsoo, it honestly sounded absolutely crazy.

He kept his clammy palms together, steadying his breath as Jongin pulled out the crumpled piece of the artwork he had spent all night on, gaze intense with seriousness as he explained the exact way he wanted the tattoos to be done. Even the minute details were explained in pristine clarity. Kyungsoo’s nervousness faded away slowly, as he stood captivated by the light in Jongin’s eyes. Jongin must have really wanted this. He must have wanted to give something to Kyungsoo in his own special way, the only kind of commitment he could offer without going against what he really wanted for himself.

The fact that it wasn’t the kind of commitment Kyungsoo was seeking could be ignored more easily now as Jongin shot him a childlike grin, triumphant and fearless, no different from a kid who had just won his first soccer match. He gestured towards the black leather chair, a single eyebrow cocked.

“You first, or me?”

It didn’t take Kyungsoo long to reach a decision. He had always loved Jongin more than he loved him. He curled his fingers into fists and settled down, trying to find the most comfortable position before the tattoo artist came back with the materials.

“Hold my hand.”

Jongin’s offer was gladly accepted. Kyungsoo held on tight, his heart almost at peace as the artist slipped a pair of gloves onto his hands.

“Ready?”

Kyungsoo had always been taught to look at whoever he was talking to, but this time he was looking straight at Jongin as he gave the artist permission to begin.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he said.

They had given each other freedom to choose wherever they wanted to be tattooed. The spot Kyungsoo had chosen would hurt a lot more, he knew, but that didn’t bother him at all as he turned away from the tattoo artist who was hunched over his wrist. Jongin gave him a firm nod and Kyungsoo heard his question echo in his mind, mind rewinding back to the night they had decided on this.

Why your wrist?

It was a late answer to Jongin’s question, but one nonetheless.

“You’re in my veins.”

Jongin’s glance flitted over to what the artist was working on. His veins were really prominent at his wrists. Kyungsoo closed his eyes before he could see his reaction and conjured the memory of Jongin’s brightest smile; the only answer he ever wanted.

-

The moments of genuine intimacy took place in the car, when the low light and lack of eye-contact allowed secrets to surface as the sun melted into a puddle of fuchsia and orange, spreading evenly across the horizon.

Jongin’s hand was warm on top of his own, fist closed around the gear lever.

“I tried crossdressing once when I was 9.”

Kyungsoo glanced at him, a small smile flitting across his face.

“No way.”

“I activated the school’s fire alarm when I was 13. Nobody found out it was me.”

It was a strange experience, listening to fragments of Jongin’s past framed in a quiet voice and through faraway eyes. Kyungsoo had his eyes on the road ahead, but his heart was set on collecting all these little pieces and putting them together to figure out exactly who this boy who looked so dangerously close to perfect in a turquoise V-neck shirt was.

“I got home drunk when I was 17 and pissed on the carpet. I told my mom it was the dog. She never really forgave him for the piss stain it left.”

It was a slow ride, and the heavy dose of dreaminess made Kyungsoo feel as though they were completely drenched in vanilla twilight. His heart was at peace, but somehow it felt like the calm before a storm. He glanced at Jongin again who had long abandoned his shoes and socks, and had his legs stretched out before him.

“I like the feeling of being in transit, and yet I fell in love when I was 23, with a boy who was pretty much a cosmic daydream.”

Nobody had ever described him this way, in a manner that made his chest compress and blood rush up to his ears, enhancing the melody of his thumping heart.

Even Jongin’s touch felt warmer, and for a brief moment, one so brief it must have passed the moment Kyungsoo realized - he felt home.

“But daydreams all end eventually, and I don’t know if I want to watch mine fade away before my very eyes when,” he paused, “well, when I can leave before that happens. I’m looking for something, I’ve told you that many times. You’re such a great person and we have so much fun together, but whatever I’m looking for, it’s not here or with you. Maybe it doesn’t even exist, but I have to keep looking for it.”

The stars started to crumble into dust as Kyungsoo tightened his grip around the steering wheel, not sure if he wanted to listen to the steadiness of Jongin’s voice. That was what scared him - the complete and utter steadiness. Like it didn’t matter to him.

Did the words come before he started disappearing, or after?

“We’re not going to work out, baby. I have to finish what I started.”

A dark velvet had infiltrated the cracks in the sky before him, bringing night and its accompanying darkness. It should have been comforting. Kyungsoo always found clarity in the unseen, but not this time. Because it seemed that Jongin was disappearing into the darkness, all ten million pieces of him.

The silence stemmed not from the inability to be coherent, but the unwillingness to say anything. Unless there was something he could say to make Jongin stay, he would rather bask in the absence of words. That was the thing about Kyungsoo. He didn’t want to try and fail. He would very much prefer having tea with the ghosts of what-ifs. Hope was something he didn’t want to lose, even if it was destined to be seasoned with bitter regret.

Jongin wasn’t by his side anymore when he turned, but he could still feel the warm weight of his palm pressed against his hand.

That was the first time Jongin disappeared, and as the night turned light blue, Kyungsoo knew it would not be the last.

-

The next time Jongin disappeared happened in the midst of his sentence. His lips were parted at last glimpse, words searing through the distance between them as the air swirled with ashes. The words seeped into his ears as the ashes rained over him, a dark cloud swirling like a miniature hurricane, only a bit tamer, but not any less destructive.

The fights now happened on a daily basis. Two days without one would be a surprise. They were no longer like how they were when they first started. They couldn’t go back there. Jongin had destroyed all the bridges.

At the very least, the first of their fights involved nothing more than a truckload of angry tension and slightly raised voices. The drizzle only grew wilder. Now it was nothing less than yelling and slamming of doors.

Kyungsoo buried his face in his hands.

“Why are you doing this?” he muttered, the question addressed at himself more than anyone else. Why did they become like this? Why couldn’t he be what Jongin wanted? Why wasn’t he doing anything to make him stay?

All these thoughts Jongin couldn’t hear - they shut him up.

“You’re pushing me, Jongin.” His palms were damp with tears when he looked up at the empty space before him. “You’re pushing me away intentionally. You’re not trying at all. I hate feeling like I mean nothing to you.”

What hurt more than anything wasn’t having to listen to his boyfriend tell him how much he wanted to leave every single day, as if their relationship would never be enough to make him want to stay and Kyungsoo was merely a chapter when he treated Jongin like his whole story - it was realizing he wasn’t the one for him. Hearing Jongin tell him that he was leaving Kyungsoo was like getting slapped in the face ten thousand times and having to act like his world wasn’t at a complete standstill. Like getting his heart broken and having to pretend he never even had one.

He turned away, not wanting to walk right through Jongin when he couldn’t see him. The bed was cold and too big as Kyungsoo climbed in even though it was only 7pm, pulling the covers over his shaking body. There was the sound of shuffling footsteps, slightly muffled, but undeniable.

Time seemed to stop as he waited with bated breath and closed his eyes, sending a silent prayer to any God that would listen to him right now. But there was nothing. The sinking of the bed thanks to the weight of Jongin never came.

The loud slamming of the door was hardly a fair trade. He sat up, covers falling to his thighs.

“I’m tired of the fighting.” He didn’t feel like himself with his wobbly voice. “I can’t let this keep happening. I can’t let him leave me.” It would be insane to expect anything more than silence, so Kyungsoo got out of bed and paced around the room, biting down on his fingernails. “I can’t let him leave me, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.”

The beginning is always the hardest to write - ask any writer, and their answers would be the same. Hatching a plan was just the same. A little shaky and hazy at the start, but once he got past that, everything else came easily, like they had been there all this time, only waiting to be discovered. Things pulled into focus, things started making all the sense in the world.

He would do anything to keep Jongin by his side. Anything.

I can’t let him leave me.

-

The hotel ceiling wouldn’t stop spinning. He was out of alcohol again, and the television was static now. The phone call he had made just a minute ago had left his hands clammy and legs numb. There was nowhere he could go.

A lifetime ago, home to him meant a safe place to fall apart. Home wasn’t a where, but a who. Home was Jongin.

He could still remember the look on Jongin’s face when he arrived at this hotel room. Surprise, confusion and unease. He didn’t blame him. Kyungsoo knew he would have reacted the exact same way if Jongin had invited him to a hotel room right after a fight as well, greeting him in a tuxedo and a smile. The siren wails interrupted his flashback just in time. He didn’t want to remember anymore, not the way Jongin’s face fell when he saw the ring in Kyungsoo’s hands, or the way his voice sounded rough around the edges when he said he wanted to break up with him.

Five minutes.

The television flickered and the static disappeared. The news came on again. Kyungsoo didn’t look. He had committed every little detail of that photo to memory anyway. That wasn’t the Jongin he wanted to see before everything ended.

Kim Jongin has been missing for 72 hours. Family and friends are assisting the police in investigations and the nationwide search is still ongoing. Anyone who has seen him may contact the police department of lost souls.

Instead of the face that had been greeting every single household across the nation, a Jongin that had been passed around the dinner table as a cautionary tale, Kyungsoo thought of the Jongin he knew.

The Jongin with the faraway eyes, the Jongin with the matching tattoo on his nape, the Jongin who had gotten the word ‘LOST’ tattooed on his knuckles a day after they got their tattoos together, one alphabet on each knuckle.

Three minutes.

When the numbness in his legs passed, Kyungsoo got up. He was still in his tuxedo, beyond rumpled now, and he knew he reeked of alcohol. This wasn’t the way he wanted to go. This was not the way he wanted things to end. But this was also something he had chosen to do.

The siren wails were getting louder and louder, and it made the hotel ceiling spin quicker. He felt drunk again. Jongin was still watching him from the television when he dragged his heavy feet into the bedroom. The first thing that hit him was the stench. It wasn’t that bad yet, but it was undeniable. The air-conditioner wasn’t cold enough - not that it mattered anymore. It smelled like death. It made Kyungsoo think of their dead romance.

Two minutes.

His legs gave way the instance the bed pulled into close range. A million memories of falling backwards with Jongin poised between his legs surfaced when his back hit the soft mattress. His touch, his smile, his face. It worked much better than alcohol. It was intoxicating just getting lost in the thoughts of him.

“I’m sorry,” he heard himself whisper, while tracing the tattoo on his wrist with his fingertip.

Jongin was right where he had left him. He hadn’t budged at all. This was the Jongin he wanted to look at. Rigor mortis had already set in. His fingers were as cold as his heart was when Kyungsoo reached for it, fingers bent slightly forever. The ring was intact on his left ring finger. He the rim of the ring with a small smile blooming across his face, thinking he had never seen Jongin look this beautiful before. Daffodils blooming in winter.

One minute.

All there was left to do was to not let go. He never would now. It wasn’t easy to hold on to Jongin, it never had been easy, especially not now since his fingers were so stiff and cold. His own ring gleamed prettily in the moonlight and he raised his hand, thoroughly enthralled. They were going to be together forever. He had done everything in his power to make sure of that.

He could hear them loud and clear. They were coming. Their footsteps were heavy -- thud thud thud -- in tune with his beating heart. Kyungsoo held on tighter, eyes falling shut. It would be nice if he could listen to Jongin’s voice again, just once more. He tried to remember when Jongin called him a cosmic daydream but it didn’t make him feel the same way anymore.

It was taking a little longer than he expected. The door wasn’t that easy to knock down after all.

30 seconds.

But it wasn’t going to lock them out forever.

“I’ll never let you go,” said Kyungsoo, fingers closed around the sweetest thing in this universe.

To himself, he was just another man trying to fight for something he wanted. To the rest of the world, he was a wreck —  a psychotic cold-blooded murderer who would appear on the headlines in due time. His eyes would look so empty in his mugshot. He would be nothing but a rotting cage.

What was wrong, and what wasn't —  things like that didn’t matter anymore.

Their hands were too hot against his skin and he struggled when they tried to pry him away from Jongin. He couldn’t let anyone take away what he had fought so hard to retain. Tears filled his eyes and rolled down in the form of perfect crystals when he opened them, only to see Jongin getting further and further away.

And then it happened.

He was there, and then he wasn’t. It was blank space he was staring at.

Kyungsoo let the tears flow freely now. He had failed after all that he had done. All he wanted was to keep Jongin by his side. He didn’t want him to go anywhere. He just wanted to put an end to his vanishing acts.

Yet Jongin had triumphed over him. His final magic show was a grand one. Kyungsoo never saw him again, for that was the last time he disappeared.

The hotel ceiling was the last thing he registered before the world went dark, spinning round and round, coming round full circle again.


 

Author's Note:
i hope nobody is upset that i didn't use any trigger warnings because!!! that would ruin the whole story!! i'm pretty satisfied with how this turned out, i've always wanted to write something like this and i finally did it! i've never written anything like this, it feels great to try new things. and with this, it might be a while till we meet again. i'm not going to say goodbye yet because i'm really just going to go with the flow, i'll write kaisoo again if i feel like it, but right now i think i'm going to try to venture into something new. thank you so much for everything, i can't believe i've been writing in the kaisoo ficdom for almost three years. it's been an amazing experience and i've grown so much. i will keep on writing, kaisoo or not, and honestly you guys deserve credit for always being so encouraging and patient with me, especially the people who have been here since i first started writing really ty stories. aaaaaand yeah i think that's about it. ((try guessing which two songs inspired this story)) (((one very obvious hint is the title itself))) ((((you get a kiss from me if you guess them correctly))))

all subsequent stories (unrelated to kaisoo) will be posted on cupicedtea (livejournal) and on AO3 (if you still want to follow me on my writing adventure, that is).

i'm still gonna be here, so don't hesitate to drop me a message if there's anything you'd like to say to me!

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