Hello there :) Just a note. Start the song when you see the first words in italics. The italics are all lyrics. It works if you read relatively slowly (i read super fast) so I guess read normally? o.O" 

          I couldn’t take the looks of pity. I was never one to take pity and coupled with the nausea churning in the pit of my stomach I was ready to snap. My nerves stretched taut, coiled together causing me to slightly shake with just the effort of sitting up. I hated showing weakness. I hated it.

          My members looked on with stares of sadness. Occasionally one member would reach out “Kibum” they would whisper. Each one wishing to be brave enough to come and comfort me. Except one. The one that mattered. The only one that ever mattered. But he was conspicuously absent. Comforting his girlfriend. Just thinking about it made me choke sending shockwaves into my already agitated stomach.

         I stood up on shaky legs. Turning the doorknob, walking out the door. Half-wishing that someone would stop me. Half-thankful that no one did. I walked out of the building, my legs turning me towards the SM dance studio. I didn’t usually find peace there, it was more Taemin’s place to unwind but it was the closest and at the late hour it was deserted.

         I walked into the room. My feet shuffling on the polished wood floors. The bright blue clouds seemed to be mocking me with their cheery happiness. They taunted me, reminded me of a time when bright colors made me smile.  My arms and legs seemed to move without my permission. Stiffly untangling the ear buds and robotically plugging my I-pod into the speakers and picking a song.

I'm going to leave now

Don't leave

I'm going to come back so...

Liar, liar

No- don't you know how much I love you?

Can't you show that love to me right now?

I love you...

Can't we love again?

I chuckled. And the sound scared me. A chuckle without any happiness, cheerfulness or joy. It was almost funny how perfect the song was. Almost.

As of right now, I can't say anything

The miracle of you- it all seems like a fantasy

He was too perfect. Every hug and kiss and lingering touch sent me into a spiral of worry. Worry that this perfection, this miracle would never last.

The last image of you seems to be locked only in my memories

I refused to blink. Every time I closed my eyes, the images would come rushing back. His hair, his body, his smile, his eyes and those arms, those strong arms that never failed to encircle me and protect me from everything bad in the unsympathetic, impersonal world. His lips that would lean down towards my ears and in the softest whispers sing lines from old ballads. To comfort me. He used to comfort me. He used to love me.

I slowly walked backwards until I felt my back hit the mirror with a sickening crack. I couldn’t tell if it was the iciness of the mirror or just my tears that made me shiver. Each shiver more violent than the last. My legs slowly gave out, tears beginning to form as I sunk to the ground. Everything hurt but everything was numb. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel. I wouldn’t feel.

Don't leave, don't leave- can't you stay by my side?

Lies, all lies- I don't hear anything

They were all lies. The pictures, the videos, the articles. He couldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t leave me. Words and sounds and pictures slamming into my head. But I can’t hear any of it. I can only hear you.

I love you, I love you- can't you show me those words?

I love you, I love you- will you love me again?

Musical Interlude

I try looking for your traces but they are erased

The last memories of you are locked in the rims of my tears

There was nothing to remember him by. Every video or picture quickly found and deleted by our always-efficient publicity team. The memories of him filled each of the tears as they slid down my face onto the floor. My shoulders shook with each cracked sob. My hands trembling.

Trying to steady myself I brought my hands to my face to wipe away tears. Only to be roughly reminded that he used to do it. His callused hands would gently wipe away my tears. Reminding me that even when I cried I was beautiful. But I was only beautiful with him. Without him I was fragmented. Pieces of myself scattered on the floor.

Don't leave, don't leave- can't you stay by my side?

Lies, all lies- I don't hear anything

I love you, I love you- can't you show me those words?

I love you, I love you- will you love me again?

Don't leave, don't leave- can't you stay?

Lies, lies, I don't hear anything

I love you, I love you- can't you show me?

Can't you love me, love me, love me?

Don't leave, don't leave- can't you stay?

The song seeping into my pores. The lyrics fitting into my broken choked up sobs. Why wasn’t I good enough. Why did you have to leave. Why did you have to leave me?

Please come back

Don't leave, don't leave- can't you stay by my side?

Lies, all lies- I don't hear anything

I love you, I love you- can't you show me those words?

I love you, I love you- will you love me again?