Hanbin couldn’t take it anymore.
He felt worn out, this situation that came out of control was tiring him. He was exhausted of trying to keep his mind and heart clear – but the latter he couldn’t manage anymore. He couldn’t remember when it became too much for him to keep this friendship going. Even though he was still smiling and being dorky with Jiwon because of the massive influence the young boy had on him and the positive energy he was always giving - he was totally the opposite when he was alone.
He was falling into pieces.
His heart ached in acrid pain every second he recalled a simple thing about him, his delicate touch or even the warmth in his look when their eyes met tore him up. Hanbin’s memories were not some lyrics written with pencil and couldn’t be erased with tears.
How he wished his heart didn’t race like crazy when he called him in his husky voice. He wished he could hide his wide smile and a rapid pulse while Jiwon was leaning in to whisper various comments during their stages, but it was too late to prevent it from happening. Now Jiwon was all he could think about.

Before he realized, he was already drowning in his own tears falling uncontrollably onto the covers of his bed. He tried to find an excuse why all this had to happen to him but found none. He was trying his best and didn’t deserve that, did he? Quiet footsteps  made him hug his knees and bury his face.

“Hanbin-ah…” the boy heard a soft voice from behind as a particular person entered the room. A husky voice about which he was thinking seconds ago.
Somehow Jiwon always managed to find him whenever he was crying.

The elder approached him and his hand found it’s way to Hanbin’s neck gently.  Hanbin was thankful for not asking anything, but he himself had a question. Jiwon, why it always have to be you. This time he really wished he could be alone and cry out all his worries and pains.
“You know…  you can tell me everything, Hanbin-ah. And I will always listen to you,” a sweet whisper that tickled his skin rang in the younger’s ears and all he wanted was to prove him how wrong he was. Yet he had restrained himself. Even though the friendship wasn’t enough for Hanbin, he didn’t want to destroy it. He couldn’t let the elder disappear from his life – even the thought about such situation caused him to hold on the other boy’s shirt like his life depended on the small piece of cloth. Without Jiwon, there was no Hanbin. He’d rather die without him so having him by his side was better than nothing. Or rather was it a necessary, even if it meant an endless pain.
Hanbin tried to push all the thoughts to the back of his mind as he rested his head in the crook of Jiwon’s neck. The comfortable closeness made him sob even more at first, but his breath eventually became calm again while Jiwon was drawing invisible circles on the other’s back and arms and caressing his hair. Hanbin let himself rest, close his eyes and just once simply enjoy the moment without thinking too much.

Suddenly, something made him jolt and open his swollen eyes.

Hanbin blinked a few times and shrugged at cold feeling filling him up which made him wake up.  The warmth of Jiwon’s body was long gone, like it never existed. A blanket covering him couldn’t replace it in any way. A deep sigh slipped through his quivering lips as he recalled Jiwon’s skin brushing his in a soothing way and playing with his hair while he was trying his best to calm himself down. He did enjoy the closeness at the moment for the first time in a while, but ended up regretting it. As always. He looked up and saw the elder was sleeping peacefully on his own bed on the other side of the room.

Hanbin stood up after sending a lying silhouette a sad smile. It was time to start another day hoping, hoping that Jiwon’s heartbeat will slightly rise while looking at him one day and will feel the same way finally.

Another day hoping for an impossible to happen.