I can feel it. Every touch he landed to me, his hand brushes against my cheeks, my nose, my lips, how he caressed my hair by pouring all loves in each gap of his fingers. I can feel it. Still.

Now it seems like it will not happen again, the ‘He’ that it means to be ‘You’ seems to disappear since this new “He’ came to steal you away from me, that now you seems faraway and distance from me. You give me your back just to add some new wound and fresh blood that seems to flow from my heart and that I can make a pool just below my feet.

That hand that I used to like to link now has stolen by someone who gives me smile with fire behind that. Smile that could burn me anytime I try to approach you.

Those loves you gave me, is now faded that you refuse to talk even give those eyes just to glance at me? Those loves that you always said every time and the promise you said that you will always stay beside me, that you willing to hunger yourself just by staying beside me, smiling, and you who always said that how precious I’m to you. Now, where are those sweet words, those promises? If I ask those promises, are you even grant all those? You will not, will you? Because I know, I know since he came in the picture, all changed. But I still, I still hope, and I still believe that you will. Even if so many questions that I even have these huge questions marks just above my head that no one will not see it, these questions that killing me just because I want to know the answer that I myself know those will not be answered.

Are those loves vanished just like that? Replace by a man that you barely know few days ago and buried our years together just for a love that you don’t even know that love is right for you. Where is the “You” that the one cheering me up, caring and loving me? Where is the man who always said that he loves me, just me, only me? Where is Jongyun I know? Is that man means a lot to you? That you just threw me like a trash that you refuse to check that that trash was also had a feeling just like the others. Am I that worthless that you refuse to do anything with me in it?

Now I’m sitting alone here in the balcony of our or rather my apartment now because you left me for him. This place that we often spent our time to talk, to cuddle, just to see the stars and the moon in the night to feel how incredible our life, just the two of us here below this beautiful night sky.

These tears seems always with me, and always there whenever you come into my mind that I can’t bear it because the ache is so unbearable, so overwhelming that I can make a river if this is not end. River that I can sink myself under it, that maybe no one notice because how deep it is.

“Key?” I heard a voice call my name.

“You’re here again? Key, please. You don’t even realize how your body now, do you?”

“Why?”

“Why? Can’t you see? Just bones that cover by your skin”. I can’t even respond or react to his words because it’s true. But what can I do? The flesh seems would not stay in my body just like Jonghyun that refused to stay beside me. Thanks to my skin, at least I have it, still covered them so people would not run away afraid of seeing me, or not?

“If you thinking people will not afraid of you being like this then you wrong, if you mirror yourself in front of that huge mirror of yours,-” he means my big mirror hanging against the wall beside my bed that I used to posed myself just to think how beautiful I’m that maybe, just maybe people might see me in WOW or Oh My..  “You’ll not even notice who the person in there, because you don’t even realize you’ve changed a lot and turn into zombie that no one will thinking twice to come near you”. His words hurted me, but what can I do? It’s true. It’s so true that I’m now this ugly, I can feel it though, but I’m afraid, I’m afraid of standing there, afraid and anger, anger to myself and to him because how success he was to destroy my life, because how foul I am to even believed those words of him. Those lies that changed my life become so miserable.

“Key, please. I said all these not because I’m mad or can’t feel how you feel, believe me I can. I’m your friend, and I love you as a good friend who care of his friend” I heard him, I heard all his words, he is just wonderful friend that you might find 1 of thousands people in this earth.

“Onew, I love you too, and I more love you if you willing to use your energy just little of them to carry me to my room, because I don’t feel like walking, my legs shaking and I don’t know why”. That’s it, that he is, always did what I told him. I don’t even know how to pay it back.

He scoops me and carries me by his arms to my bedroom, I see all worried that display all over his face. If only that person is you who I fall in love with, maybe I’ll not this broken and happy all I am without feeling all this pains. He places me in my bed so careful that maybe afraid of hurting this person after all hurts he bears alone.

“Princess, you know that you were beautiful right?” that word ‘were’ hurts. Is my beauty now become “were’? He eyes me, and sits on the floor next to my bed, taking my hand and continues said “No, now you is also beautiful” can he read my mind? But is that true? “And you’ll more beautiful if you care with yourself, your health. Gain weight, please. You have all you have in your fridge”. I don’t know why he was saying that, is that because I’m too skinny to even alive as human, or am I that .. I don’t know.

“ Don’t hunger yourself just by thinking of him all day, what you get just by doing that?”

“Don’t worsen yourself over someone who don’t even thinking about you”.

That’s it, that’s all. All the truth that I know, I know all myself, I know even if you didn’t say it. But I don’t know why I still doing that. The hurt feel so dominance over myself, I can’t fight the truth that he left me. He left me all alone, miserable. I don’t know what I become back then if Onew did not come to me, as a place I leaned to erase the hurt of being lied, betrayed, cheated, that all Jonghyun caused. That shoulder of Onew;s that I used to and still use as a place I share my tears all days and nights he spent his time to take care of me, this useless that don’t know what he can do and decide what he will do if there was not Onew to tell him what to do. Again, Onew is the one who always appeared as a superhero with his power to lessen the pain people have or rather I have.