1.

As a kid, Min Yoongi was called “smart”. His teachers referred to him as “above average” and “ahead of the class”. His classmates admired, but all from a distance, and idolized him. And then there was Park Jimin.

When Park Jimin smiles, his eyes disappear. He’s slightly chubby, he’s below average, and he loves to dance. In fact, Park Jimin’s dancing is beautiful, in Yoongi’s opinion. But to his schoolmates, and to his teachers, there is nothing attractive about a chubby dancer. Yet Park Jimin’s smile never leaves his face.

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In the third week of fourth grade, a new kid arrives in the school. His name is Park Jimin, and Min Yoongi’s first impression of him is that he’s shorter than everyone in the class. When asked to introduce himself, Park Jimin is all smiles and shy hellos and nervous bows.

Yoongi thinks he’s sort of really cute, but doesn’t dwell on that thought, since he has cram school to attend and studying to do (his parents pay for his tuition at the cram school so he can’t slack off). Their eyes meet, and a small blush sprouts on Park Jimin’s face.

After school ends, Yoongi finds Jimin standing at the front door. He was waiting for him, apparently. The invite to “hang out” dies on Jimin’s lips, however, when Yoongi states that he has cram school to get to and piano lessons after that. Yoongi feels bad, because Jimin looks disappointed – but a smile quickly works its way onto Jimin’s face and he forgets about the regret. Maybe another time, he tells Jimin.

They do hang out, eventually. But Yoongi’s declinations far outweigh his agreements. The smile rarely ever leaves Jimin’s face though.

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Yoongi is thirteen and Jimin is twelve when they’re both given Mandatory Career Counselling.

Yoongi’s pulled into an empty classroom and told he’s got a bright future ahead of him. He’s told the courses he should take, the average he’ll have to maintain, and the exams he should ace in order to enter desirable post-secondary education. He thinks it’s all a bit too early for this, but his parents don’t, and neither do his teachers.

Jimin’s pulled into an empty classroom and warned of the future that lies ahead of him if his grades continue to be the way they are. He’s given options as to tutors, to special schools that’ll be “better and easier for him”. He politely nods, smiles, and accepts the advice. He’s also discouraged of his dancing activities – they are a hindrance to, and perhaps the cause of, his barely-scrapping-by grades.

Yoongi exits the classroom with a heavy burden on his shoulders and the need to escape the school. He doesn’t notice Jimin’s distraught face transform into a grin. He’s caught up in the feeling of suffocation that exudes from the classroom like a thick cloud of poisonous gas.

His feet drag on the ground, but Jimin remedies it. Jimin tells him to smile, and to forget about the examinations for tonight. It’s their last year of primary school, so they spend the remainder of the afternoon in the park, eating ice cream and enjoying each other’s company.

There’s a tiny bit of ice cream on Yoongi’s cheek, Jimin notes. He leans over and wipes it off with a napkin, leaving a little kiss on Yoongi’s cheek. The flustered shout that follows leaves a genuine grin on his face, and they are both content for the time being.

‘It’d be wonderful if things could stay like this,’ they think.

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Park Jimin and Min Yoongi’s relationship is a mystery dressed up as a romance. They go to different schools, but they are always together. Min Yoongi attends the elite middle school near the center of the city, while Park Jimin goes to a special vocational middle school that prepares him to enter the workforce as soon as he graduates (they don’t expect him to be able to enter a university). But despite all this, Park Jimin and Min Yoongi always find time to be together.

Jimin accompanies Yoongi on his way to an expensive hagwon, where Yoongi spends his time after school. They chat over KKT, and Jimin becomes Yoongi’s support beam. He becomes Yoongi’s lifeline, and when Yoongi breaks down, Jimin is there. (Sometimes they sneak in kisses, but they don’t date. They’d never date. They can’t date.)

In their eighteenth year, Jimin shows up at Yoongi’s doorstep at 2 am. He knows Yoongi’s still awake – Jimin’s got his study schedule memorized as if it were his own.  The small kiss – the fairy-light peck on his cheek – that Yoongi had given him before disappearing for cram school was seen by his parents. He doesn’t describe the situation in detail to Yoongi, but Yoongi gets the general picture. He understands the fiery words that were probably exchanged; he understands the despair and hatred that Jimin’s probably feeling, and he understands that Jimin’s parents have probably told him to stay away.

Yoongi does his best to comfort Jimin, returning all of his hugs, whispering “it’ll be alright”s to him, even though he knows it most likely won’t be. Secretly, he wishes for this to never happen to him. His life is already complicated enough. When Jimin stops crying and gives him a shaky smile – “Hyung, you’ll stay with me, right?” – Yoongi has to swallow his guilt, because part of him has already decided to distance himself from Jimin. (He’s such a coward.)

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It starts with the KKT messages. Yoongi’s replies become shorter and shorter. He spews excuses like they’re the math equations he’s memorizing: there are the “I’m sorry we can’t meet up, I’m too busy” messages, the “Not today, Jimin” s, and the “How about tomorrow?” s. Jimin thinks that tomorrow might never come, though.

They never lose touch, however. Yoongi pushes Jimin away, and then he pulls him close again. He’s unsure, he can’t make a decision, he’s cowardly, and Jimin is strung along. (Jimins grades fall – his parents make him want to avoid going home – he starts skipping meals.) The more indecisive Yoongi becomes, the more Jimin blames himself.

“Hyung, am I doing something wrong?”

“Hyung, do you dislike me?”

“Hyung, am I too dependent on you?”

“Hyung, I’m sorry. Forgive me.”  

 Yoongi wants to tell Jimin that it’s not his fault, that he’s the one that’s sorry, but the words never make their way out of his mouth.

He wonders if he’s finally screwed up for the last time when Jimin stops replying to his KKT messages.

“Jiminnie, let’s meet up. We need to talk.”

“We’ll go to your favourite sushi place! Hyung wants to talk with you.”

The little 1’s next to the messages never disappear. Jimin’s vanished, and it’s nearly a week before Yoongi works up the courage to go to Jimin’s school, skipping cram school, and try to find him. When he arrives at Jimin’s classroom, he’s met with incredulous stares and pitying looks.

His eyes travel to Jimin’s desk, where a vase filled with white flowers sits.

“Where’s Jiminnie?”

He gets no response, but deep inside, he knows the answer.

Jiminnie is gone.                                                 

(He flew off the top floor of the school building)