The fans are roaring around him as he stands upon the giant arena stage. He towers above them, feeling his heart soar as a million voices echo the precious melodies that he had extracted from his dreams of Seventeen, those fruits of many laborious months polishing these presents for the fans. Flash after camera flash goes off before his eyes. Flashes…

“DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB”

Some idiot is poking his forehead to the insistent beat of Red Velvet-sunbaenim’s latest single.

“DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB”

Jihoon clenches his teeth in his sleep and feels the fans, the arena, everything slip away. The light behind his closed eyes is flickering in a funny sort of way. Jihoon cracks open an eye and immediately regrets his decision.

“Good morning hyung!” chirps Seungkwan, his arms a blur of enthusiastic energy as he bobs to the chorus. Too early. It’s too early.

“Hyung wake up! Wake up! We got to go!”

Jihoon grabs the nearest object he can find, which happens to be Seungkwan’s phone, and chucks it the best that he can in his tormentor’s direction. He’s rewarded by a very satisfying “NOOOOOO!!!” followed by a crash and cries of pain. Pity, the music is still playing though.

Suddenly, it’s extremely cold. Jihoon glares at Seungkwan, who’s at the end of the bed, his arms full of blanket. Jihoon’s blanket. The boy is grinning at him, all innocent toothy smiles, and then he’s off, Girls’ Generation’s “Catch me if you Can” fading away as he pelts down the hallway.

With the last vestiges of bedtime comfort snatched away from him, Jihoon is forced to crawl out of bed. His feet shuffle to the shared bathroom, which has long been emptied of much earlier risers. Everyone in Seventeen is already gathered in the living room for breakfast. He manages to untangle his yellow toothbrush from the pileup by the sink and begins to jab lazily at his teeth. As much as it pains him to admit it, Seungkwan’s annoying antics were the only thing that could get him up at the start of the day. At least it’s quiet now: the only sounds he can hear are his toothbrush and 12 hungry boys scarfing down Chinese takeout. He checks today’s schedule on his phone and groans. Today is packed back to back as usual. They have a meeting with their manager about the new live show they’re doing, then an interview for a radio show where he is guest-hosting, followed by a filming schedule that lasts long into the night.  On top of that, Soonyoung wants them to practise some special choreography for a showcase coming up next month. Everyone does their best but by the time the day is over, even muscles that Jihoon didn’t know existed are aching. Jihoon just can’t wait to get back to his beautiful dream and wonderful warm bed.

Finally, it’s the end of the day. Seungkwan and Jeonghan are on shower duty, practising their vocal trills. Everyone else is either already asleep or is squished in Seungcheol’s room having some kind of chat fest. Jihoon is all ready for bed: blue flannel pajamas, cup of water on the dresser, pillows are fluffed, and no one is lurking underneath. Last time he checked, he’d caught Seokmin and Soonyoung crammed in waiting to ambush him. That had ended up being very unpleasant for those two. Jihoon nods resolutely, satisfied at his preparations, and switches off the light.

He lies down and waits in the darkness, shoulders tense. His eyes remain open, alert, worried.

He waits so long that he begins to wonder if this will be the first night in many nights he must face it alone, and the thought almost makes his stony heart break.  

The bed creaks softly and he lets out a small sigh of relief as he feels it shift behind him. Hands weave into his pink hair and lift his head into a lap that smells faintly of clean laundry and warm baked goods. A hand brushes aside the blankets to his back in a lulling, constant rhythm. In the darkness, someone clears his throat and begins to sing.

눈을 감고  내가  하는 이야길 잘 들어봐

Close your eyes and listen carefully to my story

나의 얘기가 끝나기 전에 너는 꿈을 꿀 거야

Before my story ends, you will dream

Little Star, tonight

밤새 내가 지켜줄 거야

All night, I will watch over you

This was his secret to sweet, peaceful nights, free of night terrors. Before the Jeju boy had moved into the dorms, he had bolted upright at least once a night, bed bathed in sweat. Every day he would work himself down to the bone, pushing away all his thoughts of failure, suffering, and defeat. But when he closed his eyes, they would come roaring back, images of his group members weeping in front of him. Climbing numbers of company debt. Hate mail and comments overflowing from their mailboxes. Programs crashing with months worth of recorded musical genius. Sometimes, one of the members would peeking in at him, asking if he was alright. But Jihoon had to maintain his image as a strict and powerful leader. The younger ones couldn’t know of his weaknesses, because if it showed, it could spread through the group like a plague of self-doubt. Jihoon would just throw a pillow at them, saying he was fine. He had to stay calm.

Seungkwan was different. The boy had remained at the door, despite the pillowy abuse, and resolutely offered his help, saying that when he was unable to get any rest, his mother used to sing him to sleep. Which was exactly what Jihoon’s mother had done for him, long time ago when he was naught but a small, indignant child, frustrated at other people’s inability to understand his talents and maturity. It was something Jihoon simply could not confess to the other members. He saw it as a weakness within himself; that he had grown up listening to his mother’s soft hums drifting in from the down the hall as she prepared his lunch for the next day, comforted by the fact that at the end of each day in that moment, he was not alone. That he could not let this memory go when he felt most stressed, even after all these years of living away from home.

 As he drifts off to sleep, he feels his junior get up to leave. On the edge between wakefulness and slumber, he reaches out through the heavy curtain of sleep and latches onto Seungkwan’s hand. He feels him pause, before the bed dips once more and a warm body settles in next to his. Jihoon releases an unseen smile into the darkness and lets the sandman sweep him away on a cloud of angelic humming, dreaming of new insults he could think of to throw at the younger man in the morning.

In the silence, Seungkwan Jihoon’s hair softly and waits for his breathing to come slow and rhythmic in his arms. When he’s sure that he is fast asleep, Seungkwan begins to sing the words again, his voice low and quiet, a nightly serenade to the pink-haired man before him.

처음 너를 만났을 땐 정말 눈이 부셨어

When I first met you, it was truly eye-blinding

너의 미소를 처음 봤을 땐 세상을 다가졌어

When I first saw your smile, I felt like I had the whole world 

Little star tonight

밤새 내가 지켜줄 거야

All night, I will watch over you 

내 품에 안긴 채 곤히 잠든 널 보면

When I see you fast asleep in my arms

나는 잠시도 눈을 뗄 수 없어

I can’t take my eyes off you for a second

이렇게 예쁜데

You’re so pretty

숨이 멎을 것 같아

I feel like my breath will stop

내가 어떻게 잠들 수 있겠니

How can I fall asleep?

나의 사랑 나의 전부 하늘이 내린 천사

My love, my everything, my angel from heaven

나의 두 눈을 나의 세상을 모두 훔쳐버렸어

My two eyes, my world – you stole them all 

Little star tonight

밤새 내가 지켜줄 거야

All night, I will watch over you 

Seungkwan tucks the blankets around the deeply sleeping Jihoon. Little snoring sounds and soft mumbles pass his lips. “Adore you” slips from his lips, making Seungkwan smile.
“I adore you too,” he says, though he is sure that’s not what Jihoon means. Then he settles himself next to his senior, making sure he has plenty of blanket, and watches the peaceful sight until sleep overtakes both of them.