“I know I’ve been caught,” pacing back and forth TOP tries to think of the perfect words. “I wonder what he heard? God, I know I’ve been caught,” still he tries to find the perfect words. He takes out his cell phone and clicks on his love’s phone number, ring ring, no answer. Again, ring ring, no answer. One more time, ring ring, no answer. TOP hangs up the phone and runs both of his hands through his hair. His palms are sweating and his heart is racing, “I never knew I called, so if he heard it all . . . then it’s over. I can say it was all a joke, but what am I saying? He ain’t slow.”

TOP quickly walks out of the hotel room, making his way outside, and running towards his car. Quickly, he turns on his car, speeding through the city heading towards Jiyong’s place.

Jiyong’s eyes are all red and swollen from staying up all night. He looks at his phone, 10 missed calls, and 15 messages. His heart broke as he saw a new text message come in from that person. Jiyong threw his phone across the room and tears streamed down his face again. “Why, why,” he cried. “WHY? Why Seunghyun, why?!” Several minutes pass and Jiyong finally decided to stand up and he went around the house trying to find an empty box. Finding that box Jiyong started packing TOP’s belongings, going through his closet he finds one of TOP’s polo shirts, “He wore this the first night he stayed here.” Jiyong picks up the box and takes it outside. Pouring rubbing alcohol inside the box, he takes a match, lights it, and throws it into the box. The ember flames rose up from the box and began to burn the memories inside. The flames engulfed the memories and they burned into Jiyong’s soul. Staring into the fire Jiyong’s eyes burned with hot tears that flowed down his face. He asked himself, why, why did TOP do this to him? Why would he betray him like this? But nothing came to Jiyong’s mind, maybe just that, “I wasn’t good enough,” his words slurred out of his mouth and his lips trembled. “He didn’t love me,” Jiyong pushed the burning box into the pool quickly and the flames turned into steam in the bitter air. Jiyong wiped the tears away from his face and looked into the water. “He didn’t love me . . .”

Just a few minutes away from Jiyong’s house and TOP is losing it. His thoughts are running wild and he hits the gas a bit harder. “I got to think of something, because I am about to lose it all.” TOP’s heart races and he begins to hit the stirring wheel, “I swear that didn’t mean nothing . . . it didn’t mean nothing …I don’t know what I’m gonna say. I’m just gonna have to lie right to your face, but I don’t know what I am going to say…” TOP stops the car and rushes out, running towards Jiyong’s house. He can smell the smoke as he entered the house. TOP stops and looks around, he sees that their photos were missing. His favorite coffee cup was smashed on the floor and the house was a mess. The sliding glass door was opened and the smoke made it’s way into the house. TOP looked outside, but didn’t see Jiyong by the pool and he ran outside, their memories floating on the top of the water. “JIYONG,” he yelled. “JIYONG!” TOP reached his arms into the water dragging Jiyong out. Jiyong was unconscious and TOP tried to give him CPR. Blowing air into his body, TOP can feel how cold Jiyong’s lips were and carefully he pressed against his chest. In a few minutes Jiyong coughed up the water in his lungs. TOP slowly sat him up and Jiyong came into recognition of what was going on. He saw TOP’s pale face and looked away. TOP sighed, “Jiyong.”

“Don’t,” he tried to hold back his tears. “Don’t say my name.”

“Jiyong,” TOP touched Jiyong’s arm.

“Don’t touch me,” he spurts out. TOP grasped his arm and Jiyong turned around and lashed at him. Jiyong pushed TOP away and stood up. With shaky legs he tried to walk away, but his legs wouldn’t let him. TOP stood and helped Jiyong, but he would just hit him. Jiyong’s fists came down on TOP’s chest and TOP tried his best to hold Jiyong. “Why, Seunghyun,” Jiyong began to sob. His fists came down harder as he pushed and hit TOP. TOP saw the pained look in Jiyong’s face and he realized that he deserved every hit, every punch, every slap; he deserved that all and more. He couldn’t fix this, he could never fix the heartache he caused Jiyong. There was no point in excuses, the damage was already done, and Jiyong sobbed as the strength in his arms and knees gave out. Jiyong fell to the ground and TOP hugged him tightly. Jiyong’s tears filled TOP’s chest and slowly TOP’s tears stained his cheeks. “Why Seunghyun? Why? Was I not good enough?” Jiyong’s sobs came quickly, “Do you not love me?”

TOP shook his head, “No, I do love you. I love you so much.” TOP hugged him tighter.

“Then why Seunghyun, why?”

He couldn’t say anything there was no explanation. What could he say? It was just the thrill and excitement of having a secret? That sounded stupid, but no he didn’t know what to say. Maybe he should just lie right to his face, but what was he going to say? There’s nothing to say. He remained silent, because there was no excuse for what he did. He was just playing, it was just one night, and in one night he lost it all. Jiyong knew he couldn’t forgive him and TOP knew he would never be forgiven. Things couldn’t possibly ever be the same, is it too late?

“Just say you love me again,” Jiyong cried softly.

TOP’s voice cracked as he cleared it to speak, “I love you. I love you, Jiyong.”

“Forever?”

“Forever and ever babe.”