Soojung wasn’t exactly as Krystal. As far as she remembered, Soojung was way too far from Krystal. Soojung was sweet. Soojung was bubbly. Soojung was bright. Soojung was colorful. She was a rainbow. Meanwhile Krystal was bitter. Krystal was dull. Krystal was dark like the sky at 3 a.m. She was the rain, almost a thunderstorm. She didn’t remember since when she changed from summer to winter, but she knew it took her merely a few months to completely becoming a new person.

And that was because of L.

They had been together since God knew when. L wasn’t sweet. He was everything but sweet. He treated her less. He slept all day while partied all night. When he climbed up to bed and pulled her into his arms at 4.07 a.m., she had to scrunch her nose because he smelled like alcohols and and smokes. He spent his money on cigarettes and wines. Never on girls, Soojung knew that and for that, she loved him still.

She was never angry, when he hugged her she would hug him back. When he kissed her, she would smile upon the kiss and it would continue into something else, something more intense and hot, but Soojung couldn’t care less. She loved being loved. Especially when it came from him. She loved him so much to the point where it hurt. She thought they’d stay like that for as long as forever could last, but it all changed one night.

Soojung was just settling the bills when L came into the house. She looked to the clock and raised her brows when she realised he was home earlier than usual. She smiled to him nonetheless, even though he looked pale and his eyes were darker than usual. “You’re early.” She said and when he shot her the coldest glare she ever remembered, her smile died down. And she grew afraid when he suddenly marched to her.

“What was that supposed to mean?” his voice was icy cold and his breath smelled alcohol. He was drunk. She stood up, ignoring his coldness and tried to take off his damped sweater. L was warm but most of the time he was otherwise that she was used to it. When her hands lingered at his neck, he grabbed them hard and yelled to her, “What was that supposed to mean?”

Soojung gasped. Her eyes turned glassy with tears and she had to hold back the pain that grew on her wrist. “I swear to God I had no other intention when I said that,” she answered and struggled to free herself, but he gripped her stronger that she winced. She finally cried and her legs went limped. “You’re hurting me, Myungsoo. You’re hurting me.” She sobbed, and as if he was struck by lightning when he saw her tears, he loosened his grip immediately and cupped her face in his rough hands.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and she tried hard not to say anything about his breath that wasn’t smelled like cinnamon or mint anymore. “I’m so sorry, Soojung.” He looked at her hands and there were clear, reddish marks on them and he wondered how hurt she was in that moment. He blew on her hands, his breath cold but his eyes warm and soft that she forgave him right away.

“It’s okay,” she said and she had the ability of reading him and she knew he wasn’t buying it and so, she stood on her toes, pulled him down by the neck and kissed him on the lips. It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay I love you still. She never knew who pulled away first but when they were apart, she smiled to him and to him, she looked beautifully painful when her eyes sparked with tears, and then she whispered once again, “it’s okay.”

He thought it was really okay.

He wasn’t home for a few days ever since that night. He was in guilt, she knew, and he thought by disappearing everything would be fine. It would be, if he didn’t left. Her calls were answered by the operator and beeps that followed, and she left him voice messages. She texted him, but no reply. She went out to look out for him, to every places he loved to go, she waited for him in front of the night club he always went until the clock struck twelve, repeating the routine for almost a week now, but nothing really changed.

He wasn’t home, and it was killing her from missing him a little bit too much.

She was screwed, you know, she was screwed. When she decided he was her home, that was when she screwed herself. When your home wasn’t a home but a personㅡa place in which you decided to leave your heart in. And when its gone, your heart was gone as well. You weren’t yourself, you were only a broken half. Maybe when she decided that she forgot that nothing was ever so strong. Even the hardest diamonds could crack or chip, and her heart was fragile.

And it was a crazy thing to say that the house they lived in was warm when he wasn’t there. It felt so much bigger than what it really was, and even though L was a thunderstorm that brought rain to their little castle, Soojung missed his walk of rainstorms that crumbled her house of cards every time. It was big yet empty. She was bright, and she loved summer, and she loved the sun, but she wished he’d be home and bring back his famous thunderstorm in. If it was for him, she didn’t mind to live in the cold forever.

He wasn’t home for a week, and she didn’t know how the wines were in her hands, and before she could even hold herself, she already had the 7^th shot and she finished two bottles of cheap wines by herself that night. It was L’s, he kept them all in the fridge, and she finally came to conclusion why he loved that liquor so much. Maybe it was because it made you forget things you wanted to forget. Maybe it was because it brought you to another place, to a happier, calmer place. It tasted like crap, but it was worth it. It took her forever to finally had one, yet it took her only a night to grow addicted to it.

It had been days and days, she had lost her counting because she was either too drunk or too hangover to count, but she did wait for him. She waited for him all day and night. She was out during the 14^th day to wait for him in front of the club he always went when a fight occurred between several drunk people at the alley beside the club. Curious, she got up from sitting on the pavement of the road and walked to see what really happened. She stood there, watching the whole scene, not even afraid if the fight might harm her because the only thing that caught her eyes was a small pack with what it seemed like flour that dropped on the ground. Maybe it belonged to one of the guys, she didn’t know, but she knew what that thing was.

Drug. , maybe.

She had been curious, more than she ever was, ever since she had been drunk the other night. She kept trying new things. She tried all kinds of cheap wines in the fridge that there was nothing left. She tried smoking with his cigarettes that he left somewhere in his jeans. She thought that she might be missing him a little too much that she even did the things he always did just to make it felt like he was there with her. But it didn’t. He wasn’t there and she was starting to lose her old self.

She looked to the guys who were still fighting by the far end of the alley before she bent forward and reached for the drug. She immediately put it in the pocket before she rushed away. It was left untouched in the pocket of her hoodie.

He was home few days later and she was more than glad. She hugged him tight at the door frame, and few minutes later his hands were already under her sweatshirt, sending familiar warmness to her cold skin that she longed so much. He kicked the door close with his feet, lips and tongues were still intertwining and he pulled away seconds later.

She looked to the face she missed so much. His hair dried, eyes red, cheeks dropped, lips cracked, thinner than the last time. She cupped the face in her hands, wanting to be mad but can’t because what was more important than the fact he was home? He was home and she was safe. What was more important than that? Her thunderstorm was home with cold, yet calm breeze that she hadn’t seen for ages. He smelled fresh, like mint and cinnamon and not alcohols and and smokes.

He smelled like Kim Myungsoo, and not L.

“Have you been drinking?” he asked as he pulled her close, almost glued to him.

She smiled, not answering the question before she jumped to him, wrapping her legs around his waist and kissed him again. It then turned from a ‘I miss you so much’ kiss to a ‘I need you now’ kiss. It turned from a sweet, innocent kiss to a hot, passionate one real quick. It was like they were rushing, as if they’d be dead real soon, as if there was no tomorrow at all. They made love that night, and it felt different from any other nights before. It felt real. It felt like love, that she almost believed it might be.

“What is this, Soojung?” he asked one day when she was preparing breakfast. She turned around and her jaw dropped when she noticed the thing that was in his hand; it was the drug she stole the other day. She put down the knife and heaved a sigh.

“Look, I can explain-“

“Have you been trying to do these kind of things when I wasn’t here?” he asked, his voice raised for about an octave and she almost scoffed, instead she rolled her eyes and tried to calm herself. Two wrongs didn’t make a right, and she didn’t want them to be apart again because of a thing that wasn't supposed to be mattered.

“I swear to God, I didn’t have it even for once, and I had been drinking, and smoking when you weren’t here, but never have I ever had that thing.” She said, sounding like she might cry but she didn’t, and then she asked him, “Where were you exactly? Why weren’t you here? During those days, have you ever thought of me even for a single second?” 

He left it unanswered, and he left her with the drugs as well, and she came to conclusion that maybe it wasn’t love at all. You didn’t destroy the person you loved, and he was slowly destroying her. She took the drugs, and even though she was smart enough to know it wasn’t good for her health and she might grow addicted to it to the point she’d die from taking it too much, she tore off the packet and swallowed it all down.

Her lungs burnt,

but days after days,

she kept looking for it.

L was gone again after the fight, and Soojung was out to the club he always went, partly because she wanted to look for him, partly because she wanted to live the life he had always been living in. Her ears perked up when the loud music hit her eardrums over and over again, and she had to blink for a few times to finally register her eyes to the unfamiliar surrounding. People were everywhere, dancing, some were just sitting and hanging out, and some eyes had been following her as she wore hoodie and sweatpants and not exposing outfit that showed her milky skin. She kept bumping to people along the way to nowhere, and she wondered what made him love this place so much?

She sat down by the bar, drinking the wine that the bartender gave to her for free, which was weird but she had it anyway, and before she could even comprehend anything, the bartender, whose name was Sehun if she had it correctly, took her to the back of the building and furiously kissed her. She struggled to free herself but he pinned her arms against the wall, and maybe he did put something in her drinks, her head spinning and she missed her boy so bad that she found herself responding to the kiss. She cried when he had his lips on her neck, collarbones and everything on south because she can’t have the things she had with Myungsoo with a stranger and pretend he was the guy she loved.

“What’s your name?” he asked at 3 a.m. when he realised she wasn’t asleep.

A tear escaped from her eye, and with a hoarse voice she got from too much, she answered, “Krystal. My name’s Krystal.”

Sehun left her exactly two hours after that, and she thought he’d gone just like that, but he left her with a pack of with a note that said, it was a beautiful night. and this is for you. if you ever need one, you know where to get it. (; 

She never felt that dirty in her whole life before. She let another pair of hands to touch her. How low could she be to be exact? And what if her Myungsoo found out about that? She cried and cried and cried, wondering how one single night could turn her into someone that she didn’t even know. She wasn’t Soojung anymore. Soojung won’t do what Krystal did.  

How could she love someone so much that she lost herself in the process?

She was smoking one day when she waited for Sehun. The cigarette that tugged between her upper and lower lips had Myungsoo name on it, each letter she wrote with black ball pen, hoping that she could smoke him away. She had been doing this for a couple of times, but as time flies, she found herself grew addicted to the way his name tasted and how each letter of his name filled up her whole lungs. It was sick. But then again, she couldn’t deny how good it made her felt.

Sehun came then, with a pack of at the back of his pocket, but even before she could reach for it, he trapped her in with his kiss, hypnotized her with his touch, sent her to heaven with each . She cried lesser after every Fridays. More after every weeks. Much thinner than she was 3 months ago. Sehun said she was beautiful, and maybe that was why Myungsoo left and made her sad. Maybe she was prettier when she was sad.

The meeting with Sehun lasted longer than what she thought it would be, and Myungsoo seemed to vanish like the smoke she exhaled when she had the cigarettes in between her lips, and even so he was carved into her mind as some sort of her favourite poetry. Wines had been her favourite liquor, had replace rice and chicken as her meals, and cigarettes were her kind of perfect for dessert. She didn’t miss him anymore. She missed the memories of them together, but never the person. So when he was back smelled like mint and cinnamon, she kind of wished he’d back 5 months earlier. She wished he would’ve not left.

“Why are you here?” was the first thing she asked when he walked through the door. She looked up to him and there was a sudden wave of relief washed down to her core. He looked fine. He looked healthy. He gained weight and he definitely wasn’t from clubs or anything. And she hated herself for coming out with what she was that day. When he was about to reach out for her, she backed away almost immediately, even though she kind of longed for his touch. “No, don’t touch me,” she hissed, finally showing him her face. 

Her face that wasn’t how it was when he left her months ago. Her eyes dead without no sparks, her nose red, her skin pale more than white, her cheekbones stood up high, a contrast to her dropping cheeks, her lips dried and cracked. She was thin almost dying as if her bones had been eating all of her flesh.

She noticed the gasp. She noticed the immediate shocking eyes and not anymore. She noticed the frown. She noticed everything and she scoffed. Annoyed, she asked again, “Why are you here?” she almost cried. The love of her life was in front of her, looking all healthy and fine, but she couldn’t do anything about it.

She was now red, and he was blue. She didn’t want to touch him because he might be a lilac sky, and she was afraid if purple just wasn’t for her. Just like how he did when she was blue and he was red.

And maybe she loved him still that she didn’t mind he stayed there again, and he did try to win her back. But she was fading. And maybe they did love each other so much to the point where it hurt, but then again, maybe it happened not simultaneously.

He was trying to wake her up one morning when he realised she was in the bathroom, lying lifelessly on the porcelain floor with pills scattered all around it. He brought her to the hospital, holding on to hope, and when the doctor came out from the ICU and said something that he wasn’t hoping to hear,

“We’ve tried our best,”

his world collapsed.

“Promise me that you’ll say ‘yes’ when I ask for your hand one day,” a 10 year-old Kim Myungsoo said threateningly as he extended out his hand that had her seashells in it before he swung his arm as if he wanted to throw them all away.

“Yes, yes, okay, whatever you want,” 8 year-old Jung Soojung answered immediately, sobbing along the way before the boy bent forward and left a kiss on her tears-stained cheek.

“I’ll keep your promise,”

12 year-old Soojung was looking out for an algebra solution before she groaned in annoyance. “Will you please stop staring at me and help me to look for the answer for your homework?” she yelled and the boy could only grin.

“I seriously think I could live forever just by making you mad.”

Soojung ignored him completely, and he who couldn’t stand silence for a long time decided to speak up, “You know what my mom said the other day?”

“What?”

“Marry someone with the one you want to annoy for the rest of your life,”

She didn’t really understand it. What would a 12 years old girl understand about love anyway?

“Okay, so?”

He looked at her, smiling a goofy kind of smile, “Nah, I just think I’ve found her,”

A 15 year-old Kim Myungsoo was accompanying Jung Soojung to play hide-and-seek with her little cousins, which was dead boring because they took a long time to find them both. They were in the store room when they heard footsteps outside the room, which was when Soojung started hiccupping.

She looked at him helplessly because she didn’t want to be caught, and so, he leaned in towards her, and kissed her full on the lips until no air entered their intertwining lips, and it lasted until she stopped having one.

An 18 year-old Kim Myungsoo hugged 16 year-old Jung Soojung when they received the news. They dressed in black the next day, attending the funeral, before he brought her back to his small apartment.

They lived together since their parents died in a tragic car crash, and they had been taking care of each other since then. Care then turned  into affections, and affections then turned into something else. Something stronger and more passionate.

Soojung gave him her crown when she was 18.

He turned into L when he was 22. Late night out with friends trailed on till dawn, and it continued from days to days that it became his routine, and before he could even stop himself, he had completely forgotten about Kim Myungsoo and Jung Soojung and their little promises. Kim Myungsoo was just someone he was when he wasn’t drunk, Jung Soojung was someone he’d look out for when he didn’t want to feel alone, and promises remained in the broken places.

A 24 year-old Kim Myungsoo walks into the graveyard and stands there with his eyes locked to the name carved on the stone. It has been his routine for 2 of each season and he has not grown tired of visiting his sunshine there.

One of his mom’s words that he remembers the most would probably be, “Follow your dream. Always.”

But then again,

how could he follow his when she’s buried 6 feet deep down the ground?