Her eyes scrolled through endless pages of dating sites looking for the one familiar username. His presence was longed in her aching heart, she wanted his solidity with her, next to her. To feel him, touch him and breathe in his presence once again. She knew it was over, their one meeting could only provide so much happiness before it determined the end. It was where nothing turned to everything, only before everything disintegrated back to nothing.

Dating sites were never her thing, she always thought extremely lowly of them. A place for the desperate. A place for the hungry and somewhere for those ready to feast on vunerable prey. One day, she stumbled across an app. An anonymous playground to chat and meet new people. “It will be fun and pretty funny.” She lightly thought. Anonymous messages flooded in before users exchanged further messaging details to continue their conversations elsewhere. In most circumstances, it was an exchange of kakaotalk ID’s.

November 2^nd, 2014. Not too long into using the app, she met a man a few years older than her. Not a significant , it was bearable. Messages were sent to and fro over days, finding similarities and sharing stories. His first impression on her? The warm type, possibly a little clingy. He repeatedly asked to meet up with her but this came across as weird to her. She hadn’t met up with anyone from online before and was hesitant to the idea. She rejected his invites to hang out and even free food, imagine that. Eventually, his messages slowed, less and less were coming through. She found this unusual but she brushed it off within a matter of minutes.

Over the next few months, she returned back to the app. She wasn’t used to the jist of talking to guys nor had any experience. As he was the only guy she was talking to, she became a little too vested into the idea of him. His clinginess came across to her as if he wanted her, as if he cared. She questioned him, asking him why he was on the app and looking for more girls to talk to. She felt rejected, as if she was boring and not good enough for him. Why did she even care?

It was a coincidence that, she had connections to him. Her best friend worked at the same place as him. This could either cause complications or be used as a tool. She walked into his work with nervousness running through her body as fast as adrenalin. The lights sat heavily on her lids as she scanned around to find the one she’d met online. She wasn’t sure if she was going to say hi to him or start a conversation, she didn’t know if she was ready. She wanted to see him. What he looked like. How he acted. How he held himself. She just wanted to see and get it over with so she wouldn’t have to worry any longer. She wanted to match the online personality to the man in real life. Her footsteps took her towards his area of the store, she spotted him with ease. His pictures matched himself and pleased her expectations. She walked past where he was and observed as her heart beat fastened. He suddenly looked up to make eye contact with her and her mind quickly dropped. She didn’t know if he’d recognize her so she took off with speed.

He recalled, it took him a while to recognize her. But he still did. The summer afternoon stuck with her as long as to today.

Clocks ticked by as time started to fly. His messages were always short and often heartless. No emotion. Simple things like “Lol” and “Oh” were what she constantly depended on. It was a stupid mistake. She tried and tried to get to him, she tried to make conversation, she tried to meet him. Over and over. She fell for him.

But how could you fall for someone you hadn’t met yet?

She relied on him, she relied on his texts to make her happy. She would wait all day, just for that one “lol’. She would wait all day, just to see his social media update. She would wait all day.. wait all day to see him interact with another girl on social media.

She was dependent, online.

Every time, it was a new girl. Because he had so many dating sites, he was on the  app and talked to other girls all the time. It pained her so much, she spent all her time stalking the girls who liked his photos and commented on his statuses. Of course, she couldn’t do anything about those girls but her curiosity always got the better of her. Little did she know, she was slowly torturing herself.

Boy did she fall for the wrong person.

Why did she have to fall for the boy who talked to different girls everyday and god knows what he was doing. Why? She couldn’t stop. She tried harder everyday. Through her updates of photos, she made herself pretty for him. She wanted to show him who she was and that she could be his. He never called her pretty or beautiful but she still tried. She wanted him.

As the course goes, typically confession comes somewhere at this point. Yes, that happened. They still hadn’t met yet. Damn did she regret how much she didn’t take up his offers to meet in the beginning. After she confessed, he asked to meet. Great expectations were made, she expected the world. The worst came to happen, they didn’t end up meeting. It was a fail. He was busy. She had relied on expectation, she had relied on imagination, a dangerous game to play.

Everyday, thoughts of him lingered through her mind. The idea of him could never leave her and most of her classes were spent imagining the places they’d go and how perfect it would be. One of her favourites was them at night going to a hidden spot that had a pretty view of the city lights while they talked and looked at the stars. She’d always wanted to do that with someone and now that she knew him, he fit into it perfectly.

Months passed, she was trying to let go. She still longed for him. To meet him one day was always her aim but she had tried so many times, it was tiring. So very tiring.

It always happens like this, you push away and they come towards you. You go towards them and they pull away.

He went through a certain phase she’d assumed, where he’d try for a girl. This would typically last a few days. Continuous messaging, obvious that he wanted something, too unlike his cold nature. It came to her. He started messaging her, asking her questions before suggesting to meet up. Suggesting to get a hotel room to stay the night. Of course, that only suggests one thing. A guy and girl in a bed together, obvious. She’s dumb, she’s desperate for him, of course she says yes. He books it for two weeks in advance but asks if she wants to meet before that. Sort of considerate maybe.

The Saturday comes, they’re finally going to meet. She’s nervous. She puts on her best navy blue low cut blouse and wears her favourite necklace. She spends time putting on makeup and perfecting every part of her from her scent to the stray hairs on her arms. It’s a warm spring day and the sun is out.

The train ride is a carriage of nerves and uneasiness. She can’t find the strength to put her earphones in her ears and listen to music, instead she stays silent and the chatter of people around her fill her ears. She arrives early in the city as they send messages back and forth explaining their whereabouts. She waits outside the train station for him, blood rushing everywhere in her body as the moment she’s been waiting for finally awaits her. She wasn’t ready at all but at the same time she’d been ready for so long.

Finally, fifteen minutes later, a figure stands in front of her. She lifts her head up and sees the man she’s seen in all the photos. Exactly the same.

She gets along with him well, they exchange logs of speech continuously between each other. It’s a typical meet/hang out/date, dinner before heading to a café to relax some more. Finally, they head to the park and find a secluded bed like bench in the corner. The echoes of childrens laughter is heard at the pretty city park where coloured lights are projected on the buildings and the other city buildings surround the park. They lie together on the bed like bench, sharing laughter and inhaling each others presence. She wonders how he is the person that only desires ual encounters but it’s soon revealed to her. He does try to get into her pants but she jokingly brushes it off. She understands, it’s all he wants, maybe the only reason he came out today. He doesn’t try again though, they continue to stare up at the stars in the sky and talk, surrounded by the beauty of the city lights.

Three weeks later, she can’t stop thinking about him. Yes, they only met up once but it was perfection to her. It was a long ten months of waiting for him to finally meet her and creating the perfect moment. It was shaped around her imagination. It was everything she wanted. It happened. So wasn’t she satisfied now? She got what she wanted.

The typical human releases the behavior of becoming greedy, selfish. Receiving one thing always desired before realizing it’s no longer wanted. Before realizing you want something else, or more. In her case, she wanted more. She was satisfied with what she’d received but couldn’t help wanting him again. She wanted to feel him again. Touch his hair again. Compare arm sizes again. Brush arms again. She wanted his presence again. She wanted that perfect moment back.

He hadn’t spoken to her since they met up. Strange. Did he realize she wasn’t what he wanted? Her self esteem fell astoundingly, she felt as if she wasn’t good enough for him.

Always in her nature, she’d come back to his dating profile to check who he was friends with etc. She’d come back to his instagram every now and then to check where he was. She wasn’t prepared for what she was about to see.

He featured in the photo of another girl who he had met online. They had taken a selfie together in a store and she had posted it on instagram. Her heart instantly dropped and tears really threatened to fall out of her eyes. It was a stupid thing to be upset about, she knew he already talked to heaps of girls. It just hadn’t become a reality for her until then. He looked nice in the photo. She guessed it was so simple for him to meet girls casually like this so often. It hurt, it was only 2 weeks after they met up. His memories of her, she assumed, probably erased, replaced by the new girl in the photo.

She forgives him in her mind, she accepts that he hangs out with other girls. She says its ok. She smiles. Her smiles cover her lonely, aching heart. She wants to give up so badly but something always drives her to his social media and dating sites again. She’s so attached, she can’t stop, it’s an addiction. Her heart breaks over and over again, the scars get deeper and deeper but love takes her higher and higher.

It’s shameful, embarrassing, to crush on someone who longs after and meets many girls from many dating sites. She’s a good person, she didn’t  deserve this. She didn’t deserve pain like this. She still wants to give him everything. She sits alone in her room, a quarter past three, infront of the white screen that cuts through the empty darkness, another night, taking number one position of his most addicted online stalker.

Why do you do that to yourself?

It’s worth it.

Why do you keep doing it?

It’s still worth it. For him.

Is it fun?

No.

Is it fun to hurt yourself?

  I don’t want to do it.

  I can’t help myself.

  Help me.

  Please.

Can you handle it?

…

It breaks you down. It makes you cry. It breaks your heart, over and over. It hurts you. It makes it hard to stand. It makes it hard to breathe. It makes it hard to sleep at night, without crying. I can’t work. I can’t live.

What do you do about it?

I keep stalking him. The alcohol goes down smoother and burns away the internal pain. Curiosity takes over. Dependence and expectations are strong at all times. The reason I keep going? For the glimmer of hope that shines as small as a speck of sand. I do it for the tiny bit of happiness I get out of it ever so rarely. But, I can only know so much, I can only know so much about him.

He’ll be the paradise I’ll never forget. The happiness I felt like no other. The pain I felt like never before. The infinite warmth on a cold night, brighter than any star. 

Quick one shot I wrote tonight. I actually just wrote this because this story is about me lolkbye. /cries of embarrassment/

I just felt like I had to clear up my feelings etc by writing it all out and it came out as a little story worth sharing (?) somewhere.

I know it's kinda bad and all over the place but lol some advice to anyone out there.. don't online date lol. I didn't really online date but used an app called "doki doki postbox" where you can meet randoms. It's mostly a korean app used by people all over the world. I thought it'd be fun since I saw some people on twitter using it. It's just bad to fall in love with someone from the online world because you hardly ever see them unless you make the effort to meet up every so often, otherwise you hardly know about them. 

I wrote this story whilst listening to this song haha: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neZkRT35J40 
I'm not even Christian but heard this song while I was out and it was so stuck in my head haha just set the mood. 

It's almost been a year that I've been talking to him and yes, I am trying to give up now but it's hard when I'm a true stalker LOLOL. Anyways, I'm out, if you wanna know more about my sad story you can message me or something but yeah just wanted to share this little story!