He’s never been in solitude again, as when he is alone, he basically isn’t. She always be there, haunted him. In a good way, or in bad way, he couldn’t tell. But one thing that he’s sure, he doesn’t want to get rid of that face.

He will find himself smiling suddenly, butterflies flying on his tummies, when he stop working, or stop doing anything, or at any given moments, when his mind will miraculously find her sight on his memories. But afterwards, it’ll feel . He couldn’t draw her exactly on his mind, he couldn’t draw her smile, her laughs, her pout, everything. Because his memories about her wasn’t enough, and it’ll never enough, as he always craving for more.

He sighs, a deep one.

He wants to stop trying to remembering her, but it ended up with he sees his watches, waiting it for strike 7 o’clock, time when she finally there and he doesn’t need to think hard to make her exist.

His eyes automatically searching for any sign of her, although it’s still 6.40 in the morning. He already sat there, sip his coffee just for simply doing something, or else he won’t be able to sat there any longer, waiting for her, and he will run to her. And he’ll be mad.

He starts to bit his lower lips. His anxiety took over him. Where are you? He started to wander. Why are you aren’t coming? This is Friday, right? You said you will come…

Maybe she’s busy, he thought. Or maybe… he shrugged off that thought. No. It’s too painful for him, and he couldn’t bear with it.

He sips her coffee again, awkwardly. Maybe he looks like someone who in the middle enjoying the beautiful morning, relaxed and drink some coffee before faced the tiring day, but no, he isn’t. It’s tiring already…

He closed his eyes and trying to recall her on his mind. Trying to recall their conversation last week, the last memories he had about her. Or some unimportant chat, more like formality, but it means a lot for him. Even a single reminder like; Don’t skip your lunch, Oppa!

He smiled. But it hurts. As it he remembered how much it means for him, but probably not for her. Maybe, it is.

“You look so serious.”

He startled. Does it real?

“What happen to you, in this early morning?” she teased playfully. He just smiled, can’t help but feeling too excited. She’s come, finally.

“Nothing.” he smiled widely. All anxiety that took over him before now disappeared. ”You know, just enjoy the morning.”

She chuckled. ”Enjoy this beautiful morning while frowning?”

He gulped. Am I that frustrated?

“If you’re tired, don’t force yourself. Just go outside and have some fun.” like usually, she starts their morning with lectures as opening.

But that doesn’t mean he mind it. In fact, he doesn’t mind at all.

 “Yes, Ma’am. I’ll remember it.” he replied with faking respectful manner. She pouted, and hell yeah – he cursed his self for being too weak at a single pout.

She let out her home-made breakfast – the reason why she is here – and handed it to him. “I cook your favorite meals today. I know you’re gonna love it! I’ve learn my mistakes.” 

He jumped at his seat happily. She chuckled; and he’s trying hard not to blush.

“It’s really delicious.” He said while munching enthusiastically. “You just getting better day by day.”

“It’s because you taught me so.” she said, smiled sincerely.

There’s a long pause when he tries to decipher what she said. It’s because you taught me so.

He smiled, painfully, but she won’t recognize it. Because she won’t understand, the burden being the one who should always taught, who should always protect.

He remembered then, more like slapped by the reality that he tried to forget recently, the fact that he is the brother. He is the brother for the two. He kinda likes that role, when everything under his control, he’s the leader of the gang, when he taught them, when he protect and defend them, when he act like Black Knight for them. It was the old days, when the three of them still live together at the orphanage. When the three of them only have each other, leaning against each other, and survived this cruel world together. She was a crybaby, and he taught her to be a strong lady. Now, she’s becoming one.

And he falls for her, before he could avoid it.

And it’s the biggest mistake he ever had, because he is the brother, and no matter what he is still responsible for protecting the two, to make sure that they’re alright, then being the first person who overshadow them. If there’s anyone who dared to hurt one of them, then it’s his duty to take care of it.

But, the thing is: He is the one who hurt one of them. Who hurt him.

“And you learn really well.” he complimented, finally, after tried hard to get off that thought and just enjoy the last minute he could have with her.

She smiled, she always love being complimented especially by him. He knows that, and he loves doing that, just simply because he loves seeing that smile.

“Oppa, how works? Did your café running smoothly?”

Then it flows. Their conversation. He blabbered about anything he could tell, it’s nothing much so it ended fast. Still, it was amazing for him, as he was famous for his skimpy words. Then he would asks back, how her works, how she’s doing, and in return, she turn to be the most talkative person ever. She even told about the least important details. And it’s the time when he could observe her carefully, slowly, enjoying every changing expression of her, every frown, every gestures, every pouts, every smiles, every laughs, every habits that she had. He enjoys that, he enjoys the process of making accurate memories of her, drawing her in his memories to make a stock; in order to save him from longing and desperate feeling for the rest of the week.  

They’re lost now, in hilarious laughs, when she told some her funny story and then she turned into ahjumma-mode and laugh recklessly, doesn’t even care about her image, or how she looks. And that’s what made her more beautiful, he thought.

“Omg I cry.” she said, while wipe away her tears, still laughing.

It was he about to say another word to continue their conversation when someone makes his way to their direction. At that moment, he freezes.

He comes.

“Oh, Mino!” She ed, when she realize Mino’s appearance. “Wah, it’s 9 already, I didn’t realize. Time flies so damn fast.” she sighed. Indeed – he mentally replied bitterly.

“Yeah, I told you before to check your watch.” Mino replied, unhappy.

“Hi, Mino.” he greeted Mino, trying to as casual as can be but it doesn’t turn out that way.

“Hi hyung.” Mino greeted Jiyong then, way too formal, too awkward, too cold. Funny at how Jieun who used to completed them now being the barrier for them instead. Of course, she doesn’t know, as the only one who notice about his feeling was Mino only.

She then clearing her stuffs, while unaware that he is staring at her, examines  her for the very last minute before she goes away. He’s trying hard to ignore Mino’s cold stare, and he know that he won’t be able being the brother. It’s not suited him any longer. He’s too selfish. And he couldn’t argue his heart. It’s functioned with its own way, way his guilty feeling and responsibilities of a brother not involved. He tried before, to make deal with his heart, asks it to give up because he doesn’t have any slightest chance and he shouldn’t have – he is the brother anyway, and because he’ll become a total jerk, bastard, son of a , you name it.

But look where he is now, he is failed. His heart just won’t listen. His desire just too unbearable. And he’s too exhausted to try it again.

“Good luck, Oppa. Don’t let Seungri mess with your visitors again. Go get him a lesson! And thanks for today. See you next time.” she smiled whole-heartedly, and he smiled whole-heartedly (with pain in addition) in return. “See you next time.” he repeated, more to himself, more giving his self a strength. There’s still next time.

But the moment when she followed Mino into his car, then no longer in his sight, he doesn’t know if he’s able to undergo the rest of the week – or even the rest of the day.  

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It was midnight and he can’t sleep, he’s just awoke from his bizarre dream. Jieun and Mino consist of it, and he barely breathe. He gasps for air, but it feels like he’s living in vacuum. He’s reaching his handphone, searching one name,  and about to call, but he stops. His mind is complete mess right now, he badly wants to hear her voice but he know he couldn’t. He couldn’t exceeds the limits even further.

But his mind is completely crumpled.

Then after, he texts Mino instead.

I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry.

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Is he wrong for loving someone so badly?