Jeon Jeongguk has been living as an only child in the Jeon household. His parents would leave him all alone for work most of times. But that didn’t mean that his parents doesn’t give enough love for him. Would it be weekend, or work days, they always gave time at least an hour to spend with Jeongguk. Whether to eat dinner together, watch movies, or just chilling. Jeongguk himself also didn’t feel really lonely. He got himself accompanied with video games, his dancing courses, and a best friend. An annoying best friend, Kim Taehyung. He is a year older than him. They’ve been best friends since fetus. Their parents were childhood friends, so it has always been like that, typical childhood friends background story. They went to the same school since kindegarten. They’ve known each other very well. Jeongguk had seen Taehyung , jerks off, crying over Madonna, and so did Taehyung, vice versa.

It was during high school that his parents often left him overseas. His father was a co-pilot, and his mother was an active businesswoman. Jeongguk was satisfied with his life, he lived a happy normal life. So normal, he felt something is off.

A year ago, during his senior year in junior high school, Taehyung came out to him. Taehyung was a freshmen in his high school that time. I jerked off to Jimin, he said to Jeongguk. Jeongguk gaped at this sudden outburst, he was almost crying, he didn’t know what was he feeling. Whether he was disappointed at Taehyung, or just surprised, he didn’t know. All the years Jeongguk has been told to live normal, by his parents, he was just feeling surprised. Because it was something new to him. But as days went by, he observed Taehyung. How he acted, how he responses him, it was still normal to him. Jimin was Taehyung’s classmate during high school.

One rainy day, Jeongguk was at Taehyung’s room. They didn’t play any video games that day. Jeongguk sat down on Taehyung’s bed. He asked if there is something wrong happened to Taehyung. Taehyung looked so down, he played with his fingers. I can’t hold it any longer, Jeongguk, I like him.. maybe even, love him. But I’m scared.. he said to Jeongguk. That day, all the confusion Jeongguk has been feeling since the day Taehyung came out to him, came reach its end. Jeongguk realized that, what Taehyung said back then, was real. He really liked him, that guy called Jimin. Jeongguk couldn’t do anything in response because he, himself, were a noob for love problems. Because he, himself, didn’t know how does it feel to be in love.

In the end, Taehyung didn’t confess his feelings to Jimin.

Jeongguk finally got into high school. Taehyung told him that high school is different, you better prepare yourself. It wasn’t like Jeongguk is not independent enough to stand alone in the class, or to do group projects all by himself. It was just that, Jeongguk sometimes care too much for his surrounding. He might be looking all okay, or just keeping it to himself. But Taehyung knew, deep down, Jeongguk has thoughts on everything. Jeongguk has been living a life with being treated so well. So well, it was just off.

He finally got to know who is Jimin. Finally got to see how Taehyung reacts around Jimin. Still the same. It turned out that Jimin was a part of a dancing club in the school, Jeongguk was offered to join, but he refused. He didn’t feel like doing dance anymore once he got in high school. He didn’t play any more video games, though sometimes he played online RPG on his phone. His routines once he got home was all, just sitting around the couch or just sleep. The conclusion finally hits him. He was bored. He wanted to do something different. He wanted a change.

On weekend, he would just working out a bit in the morning. And then went back to his bed doing nothing. Taehyung barely came to visit him anymore. Because on weekends, he always had dates with that Jimin guy. Jeongguk didn’t get upset. He knew and understood enough. Instead he was happy though that finally Taehyung found something/someone to look forward to.

His body grew so quick, he got his abs fexed. Muscled arms and thighs. He stared at his reflection on the mirror. He scanned himself, he scanned his eyes.

“You aren’t normal, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk took out his laptop. He typed up for sites, looking for some hottest to see. He watched it with his headphone on. A minute or two passed, about time that the clip ended. He felt numb. Maybe I’m aual, he thought to himself. He looked for yet another , tried gay/lesbian sections, still numb. He looked for deep dark sites with whichever unmentioned things that we already know what’s inside. Still numb. He was frustated.

Days after that, he tried touching himself. He literally tried everything. But he was still feeling off.

Days after that, he tried hooking up with some random boys and girls from his school. It was getting countless on how many times he made out with boys or girls. It would only up until making out. It would only end with, ahaha okay Jeongguk you’re good at kissing huh? Nothing more than that.

Days after that, he was so sick of witnessing happy Taehyung with that dancer Jimin. Why don’t they just go out and .. he thought. He didn’t tell Taehyung about all those experiments he had try. Jeongguk thought Taehyung doesn’t need to know. Jeongguk thought that maybe it’s about time that they lived their own life. Didn’t have to tell each other every little detailed things.

Sophomore year came. Taehyung was on his senior year. His parents were finally spend more time at home. His father retired. His father fell sick. And on September, two days after Jeongguk’s birthday, his father passed away. Jeongguk cried so hard for the first time in a long time that night. He spent so little time with his parents but still feeling that they played a big role on his life. He remembered his father saying, dream big, work hard for it, find your passion. One of the reasons why he cried so hard that night, was actually that he might be disappointing his father. Because until that seconds, he still didn’t have that so-called passion that his father has been always telling him to find.

Maybe he was too focused on himself, he thought. He was starting to have self-aware since that day. Dinner time, his mother once asked him how has he been doing lately. Jeongguk told her it was fine but he hasn’t been feeling well. His mother would pat him on his had, holding his hands, saying that hey, honey, it’s okay you still have a long way to go.

Jeongguk looked into his mother’s eyes, “mom, I think I’m not normal.”

His mother stopped eating, and smiled in response. She took a deep breath and told him, “It’s okay to be curious, Jeongguk.” she continued eating, “How old are you, hmm? 17? You are at the age that you should experience new things in life. Live your life, honey.” she ended it with a smile. A tender and warm smile, Jeongguk felt like crying. Jeongguk knew what she meant by that, he knew that his mother doesn’t want Jeongguk to live like his father, who went overseas all the time. Maybe his mother felt lonely during those days. Jeongguk felt guilty for not being able to give more to his parents. He wasn’t feeling enough.

If Jeongguk could get into any top universities, he could. Or if Jeongguk could get any amazing jobs, he could. He was good at literally everything. But it was just that one thing, one thing that was off from his life. From his entire life, there was just not even a thing that he looks forward to.

His senior year came. He put away all those puberty confusion from the past. Taehyung got into the same university with Jimin. Though there were no more deep convos between them, they still talked to each other about everything. They still hung out together, sometimes with Jimin. Jeongguk realized one big thing happened to Taehyung was that Taehyung just never really change. He was still the same childish barefooted loud monkey Taehyung that he loves no matter what happened. This kind of love was the same love he felt towards his mother. Taehyung was a brother to him, not really a brother, more like twin-brother. He asked whether Taehyung and Jimin has ed or not, Taehyung only shrugged and laughed it off. He guessed they’ve done it.

Exams came like thunders, Jeongguk wasn’t bothered by it though. He did on everything very well. His daily scores were average. And the things that bothered Jeongguk, began.

It was around 4 pm on Wednesday. He just got out from literature class. He had plan to study at the public library or maybe at the “06.00 - 00.00” local cafe while grabbing some teas or cakes. Jeongguk was the type that prefer tea rather than coffee. Then at the cafe, it was. The local cafe was only two blocks away from his house. Jeongguk went inside and took the seat in the back corner. He was going to study so he need a more quiet area. Half an hour passed, he solved all his chemistry papers. It has became routines for him to spent his evening on solving problems, which ended up grabbing a cup of tea with himself alone. He wondered why he didn’t feel lonely. Or maybe he wasn’t aware that he was he was actually feeling lonely. That time, he was just, feeling empty. Nothing to look forward to. Exams, school, graduation.. all of it was just stated things that in the end people had to face no matter what.

Days after days, it just went on like that. School, public library, local cafe, school, public library, local cafe, and so on. Though Jeongguk did this routines, everyday was just not the same anymore. Whenever he went to that cafe, sitting alone in the corner with his papers, this lonely Jeongguk felt wasn’t really “lonely” anymore.

It began that one day.

The barista asked Jeongguk whether he wants to take the usual or not. Jeongguk said yes. And the barista started asking Jeongguk to make some little convo.

“You seems busy with college stuffs..”

“College? Uh nope, I’m still in high school.”

“Oh, oops, thanks for correcting. I thought you’re the same as that guy over there. He looks busy with his papers too.”

Jeongguk didn’t pay much attention to his surrounding anymore so he didn’t really care much. He nodded in response.

The barista continued her talking, “He always came at the same time as your usual schedule. All alone,” she laughed, “You two lonely people should talk to each other. Seriously, is school that confusing?”

Jeongguk didn’t answer that last question. He took his tea and said thanks to the barista.

He walked towards his usual table, stopped in the middle. He walked back to the counter.

“Which table?”

The barista chuckled. “Table no. 9,” she pointed at a guy with blonde hair sitting alone in his table.

Jeongguk looked from his side. He noticed all the papers. Huh, busy people.

That evening, he spent half of his time observing the blonde guy. And it has became a part of his routines. The fact that he grew curious of him. And it has been such a long time since he made new friends.

A week after that, Jeongguk finally jumped into a decision. He wanted to know about the guy. Maybe doing some little talk won’t hurt.. he thought. He took his usual tea, sat on his table, yet observing the blonde guy. He needed to observe whether that blonde guy is busy or not. So he finally gathered all his courage and walked towards table no.9.

“Umm..”

The blonde guy looked up. Jeongguk’s stomach dropped. What was he doing, he didn’t know. He was about to panic, his palms were sweating. He never realized how hard it was to make friends.

Jeongguk wanted to bury himself when the other guy blurted a, “Finally talking to me, huh?”

“Huh?” Jeongguk gulped.

“You can sit.” the other guy pointed at the seat in front of him.

Jeongguk sat down. He let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He scanned all the papers on the table. Most of them were lyrics. He noticed lines that goes like poems, but he knew it was lyrics. There were scratches around them, numbers that seems like music note. He read a line, two line.. but then he snapped out of his own world when someone called out his name.

“-ngguk. Jeongguk.” it was the blonde guy. He was embarrassed because he zoned out on his own, but he was more confused on how this guy knew his name.

“How do you know my name?” Jeongguk asked.

“Seriously? We’ve been here for months, you stared at me for two weeks, more like observing me, but I knew your name first.. you really at this, huh?” the blonde guy chuckled.

Jeongguk looked confused and it was obvious that he was sweating.

The blonde guy started talking again, “Tch,” he smirked and took out a tissue from his bag, “Here. You’re sweating. Do you have social anxiety?”

Jeongguk kept silent and only stared at him. He felt like burrying himself that time. When he was about to say something, the blonde guy reached out his hands towards his face. The blonde guy wiped out the sweat that he didn’t realize has been running down his face the entire time. Jeongguk gulped, once again, hard.

“W-What are you doing?”

“Wiping off your sweat. Can’t you see?”

“No,” he blinked, “I mean,” he cleared his throat, “Why would you?”

The other guy sat back on his seat. Came back to his paper, saying lowly, “Because you weren’t doing it.”

Finally Jeongguk got out from his nervous state. He tried to act normal. Damn, why would he be acting weird in the first place. He was just making a friend. He knew it has been a long time since he has done that, but this time it felt different. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he was being pulled out to something that’s.. definitely, out, from his comfort zone.

“You’re a weirdo, kid” the blonde guy told him between doing his paper, “I’m Min Yoongi.”

Min Yoongi.. oh. “I am Jeon Jeongguk. N-“ his palm started sweating again, “Nice to meet you”

Before, he was sure that he was good at everything. Literally everything. But how come he at this. When he said inside his head that he felt like he was being pulled out to something different, out from his comfort zone. He was sure, that was it.

Because now it has became a brand new routine for him; school, public library, local cafe. Yes that part was still the same. But the last part where he spent his evening on the cafe was added by, talking to a blonde guy called Min Yoongi. Plus, his brand new favourite routines; learning about Yoongi.

He learnt that Yoongi is four years older than him. Yoongi is an interior major student. Yoongi makes music. Yoongi writes poetic lyrics.  Yoongi’s favorite is americano with a little bit syrup. Yoongi lives alone. Yoongi likes Kumamon. Yoongi has an older brother.

Learning about Yoongi has became his favorite routine. And then, became his only routine.

As the days went by, he grew more and more curious of Yoongi.

But then Jeongguk’s senior year ended. His favourite routine seems came to an end too. The time that he was being faced by deep life decision of college. Yet he was being faced by another obstacle. His mother fell sick. The doctor said, she suffered the same kind of leading event as his father. It was pressure for her, he said. Jeongguk couldn’t think about anything other than his mother around that time. His mother has told him many times about keeping his business alive, if he didn’t have any path to go to. He went through graduation without his mother on the parents’ VIP seat. Taehyung came to congrulate him. They celebrated his farewell party together.

It was the night after the prom, Taehyung invited him to drink. Jeongguk didn’t drink, of course. He was still underage. He took cans of orange juice and soda instead.

In the balcony of Taehyung’s apartement, Taehyung sat down beside Jeongguk. He wasn’t really drunk because he knew limitation. He hated being drunk because it was troublesome. For him, and for other people that in the end should take care of him being drunk.

It was a night chill, until Taehyung started a convo, “What are you going to do after this?”

Jeongguk took a gulp of his orange juice. He laughed. Didn’t answer the question.

Taehyung looked his way towards Jeongguk. “I’m serious, Jeongguk. You know I care about you. Don’t make this sounds cheesy. I’m about to puke.”

Jeongguk held Taehyung with his left arm, he sighed.

“I have no idea” Jeongguk looked down on his feet, “Mom is sick, man. What should I do if she’s gone?”

Taehyung didn’t response because he knew there are continuation of this.

“I am so vulnerable right now. I wish I could just kill my self right now. But suicide won’t get anywh-“

“Don’t say things like that!” Taehyung snapped at him. He held Jeongguk’s hands so tight it was marking wounds. “I care about you. Why would you leave me alone? You have me!”

“But it’s not like you’ll be with me forever!”

“Jeo-“

“But you have Jimin! You have your own life! I have mine too!”

“At least you have a home to come to!” they kept silent for a moment. He was panting. The silence was hurting.

Taehyung noticed the tears swelling up on Jeongguk’s eyes. “Go on and cry,” he told Jeongguk. He pulled him into his arms. Jeongguk hugged him in return.

“She is dying, Tae..”

“Sshh.. God knows what’s better.”

That night Jeongguk let out all the worries and anxiety he had. With crying.

Sickening autumn for Jeongguk. His mother passed away not long after his college entrance exam. Her last words was, finally.. my Jeongguk is an adult now. He didn’t cry that day. Maybe he was just feeling so sad that he couldn’t even cry anymore.

In the end Jeongguk didn’t take his mother’s business. He got into a local university near his house. He took to major on liberal arts. Taehyung asked him to go the same way as him, going to same university as him, but Jeongguk refused. He told Taehyung that he wanted to go his own way. It’s about time that I do things on my own.. he said. Taehyung though, couldn’t feel any more proud of Jeongguk for matured that well. He hoped that Jeongguk will do well.

Jeongguk was a busy college freshmen. He barely meet up with Taehyung. Once a month they would hang out together, whether to just chill or watch movies together.

One day Jimin came to his house alone. He had a deep talk with Jeongguk that day. He asked how was Taehyung, Jeongguk could only tell him all necessary things. Jimin laughed at that, then he said that he wanted to ask Taehyung out. Jeongguk was confused at first because he thought that they have been dating since God knows. But Jimin told him that they hadn’t, they remained best buds. And when Jeongguk asked whether they have ed or not, Jimin squealed at that because, no we haven’t! Oh my god I’m so embarrassed! We are stuck in the best friend zone. Damn it, Jeongguk!

Jeongguk and Jimin got closer after that day. He encouraged Jimin to just ask Taehyung out, he would say yes faster than any Japanese modern monorails. What a bad illustration. Jeongguk felt happy because he finally knew that Jimin felt the same way. He was surprised when he found out that they haven’t actually date before. Jeongguk was sure they looked like they are dating. But then again, Jimin told him,

Falling in love maybe complicated, annoying, confusing even. But being in love, that needs to wait for a perfect time for two person to finally get together. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

Once again in his entire life, Jeongguk wished he wouldn’t feel empty when Jimin told him that.

It was like Jimin’s words are burning a hole in his heart. Burning a hole in a hole that has been a hole since decades.

Winter came. The cold weren’t really so bad for him. Because he loves winter.

After a long day he spent at his university, he decided to take a relaxing evening. The road was covered in snows. Jeongguk was wearing a long coat with only hoodie inside and a long red scarf given by his mother. He walked towards a place, where he used to spent his high school routines.

He went inside. He was right, the barista has changed. He has never been there anymore since the day his mother fell sick. He walked towards the counter, looking around the cafe. They changed the curtains, the flowers on every tables. But he noticed one thing that still didn’t change since. A blonde guy, sitting on table no.9. His eyes were as bigger than ever, though but he chuckled on it.

Jeongguk ordered for his usual, then he walked towards table no.9.

Yoongi smiled at him. Yoongi was wearing a thick dark red coat. Matched well with Jeongguk’s scarf. They talked for hours. Yoongi asked how has Jeongguk been doing, how was school, why didn’t he come back to the cafe, and stuffs. He looked bright that evening despite the coldness. Jeongguk knew that Yoongi hates winter, and he knew that Yoongi prefers summer. Jeongguk found out that Yoongi was in his senior year in college. He told him that he was really busy, but yet saving his time to spent that evening there. The mood was great.

“Why do you have this, sparkles around your face? Look, it’s all flying around you, those sparkles,” Jeongguk asked to Yoongi, teasing him.

Yoongi only smiled, showing his gums. That’s a beautiful smile.. Jeongguk thought. That was the first time Jeongguk ever saw that smile coming from him. He should smile more. Jeongguk loved this kind of feeling whenever he had a talk with Yoongi. Warm, calming.. he felt like coming back home. Not a home that he used to go back to sleep after long day at college. It was like, a home, he could go back whenever he can.

He missed his favourite routine from the past.

They didn’t realize that it was already midnight. Yoongi told him that he’s gonna leave, it was late. Jeongguk agreed and they both left the cafe together.

They stood in front of the cafe for moments. Jeongguk should be leaving, but he didn’t know why he was just standing there.

“Hey,”

“Um,”

They spoke at the same time. Then they laughed together. Yoongi told Jeongguk to go on, and Jeongguk told him to go on first because he was older.

Yoongi frowned, and turned his way to Jeongguk. He scanned him for a moment.

“I, uh..”

Jeongguk raised his eyebrows. That old feeling slowly drifted in, started to come back again.

Yoongi continued, “Are you busy?”

That, old, unfamiliar feeling started to come back again. It was midnight, 23.57 he looked at the clock on his phone.

“Not really, why?”

“Want to, sight-seeing with me, in this late night? Haha it doesn’t sound like it huh-“

Jeongguk kept silent.

Yoongi gulped, rubbed his neck and frowning, “Uh, well if you don’t wan-“

“Sounds great.”

That, old, unfamiliar feeling, where Jeongguk felt like he was being pulled out from his comfort zone, came back again. This time, it felt real.

They went around the neighborhood with Yoongi’s car. Yoongi told him that he have a secret place that only he knows. It’s a bit far, but it’s beautiful! I’ll show you, he said to Jeongguk. During the ride, Yoongi told him that he was originally interested in liberal arts, how he loved philosophy, music history. But then he had to take interior design because the future was clear for him if he took it. Maybe it came as a different story for each person. During the ride, Jeongguk only listened to Yoongi’s story. He didn’t feel the need to tell the other guy his story. He liked to listen to other people’s life story.

“We have arrived,” Yoongi told Jeongguk. It was the upper side of the town. They both got out from the car. The coldness was hitting them, Yoongi shivered at it.

From there, they could see the whole town in night lights. Covered by piles of snow. The night sky was showing a clear layer of stars. It was absolutely beautiful.

“It’s absolutely beautiful, Yoongi”

“I told you,” Yoongi sat on the front cap of his car, “This is my secret place, I treasured this place the most”

Jeongguk sat beside him. Jeongguk was feeling proud that he was the only one Yoongi ever told his secret to. He smiled at him. It was really cold, but Jeongguk felt warm.

“I was suicidal during my high school,” he told Yoongi, “But now I look back at that. That was really stupid of me.”

He looked at the sky and continued, “I never knew that the world is this pretty,” he smiled.

“You are pretty.”

Jeongguk turned, his heart skipped a beat. The gaze coming from Yoongi was sharp yet looked tender. He felt the blush creeping up his cheeks. He was sure he was as red as tomato, thank God it was night, it came unnoticeable. He looked away and cleared his throat. But Yoongi was still looking at him.

That, old, unfamiliar feeling came back again.

“Hey,” Yoongi called out to him. Jeongguk didn’t want to turn his face but he did. He just sorta know where this was going. When he turned his face, he was surprised at how close their face were. Jeongguk couldn’t look at Yoongi in the eyes. Despite the coldness, he was sweating. His palm and forehead were sweating. He gulped, and finally looked at the other guy’s eyes.

Their lips were connected. Jeongguk held a grip on Yoongi’s coat. They stayed still, still kissing. Yoongi moved forward and deepened the kiss. Jeongguk twitched, he tighten his grip. And he slowly kissed back. It was a slow, deep, and tender kiss. A long one.

Jeongguk wished the time would stop, or it would last more longer. He wasn’t nervous, he loved this, the warm feeling inside his heart. It wasn’t new, the warmness he felt since the first day he talked with Yoongi, at the cafe. It wasn’t new, it was familiar. It was like coming back home again.

They broke apart. They looked into each other’s eyes. Jeongguk didn’t realized that they were hugging. Jeongguk loved this feeling. This time, this situation, this atmosphere. Jeongguk loved everything at that time. Including Yoongi, Jeongguk loved that part. Him.

The time was slowing down.

The sky didn’t run.

The stars were there, decorating the dark blue sky.

They barely feel the cold anymore.

"Ever heard that your emotions are like a pendulum? They always need to be in balance. Feeling sad for a while and in a few minutes you feel joy,” Yoongi started talking, “Laughter and pain, also pleasure and fear. They always have a correlation.”

Jeongguk looked at him. He noticed the sparkles in his eyes. He saw a new side of Yoongi. It was different. He couldn’t read much what was written on his face.

Yoongi continued, “That’s what makes life is balanced. Some people denies it,” he took Jeongguk’s hands, “I was one of those people. Denying the balance,” he interwined their fingers,

“and then you finally talked to me at that cafe. I found you, lost and suicidal, I could see it in your face that time,” Yoongi chuckled, “getting all sweaty. You were really lost,”

Jeongguk wanted to cry.

He finally found the key problem during his past, I was lost.

Jeongguk wanted to cry, that finally someone pointed it out. He wanted to kill himself, he wanted to be gone, but in the end, he only wanted to be found. He knew he was lost, but he kept it locked deep inside himself because he didn’t want to be the one who say that he was lost, in himself.

But Yoongi kept talking, “But turned out that was the opposite. You were the one who find me. Sitting all alone with my paper, you were the one who come at me.”

He tighten their interwines.

“Really.. thank you,” Yoongi finished his line.

Tears fell down from Jeongguk’s eyes. Other key problem was being found by Yoongi.

That first key, he was lost. The next one, there has never been a person that would thank him for his existence. Of all the years he lived, nobody ever paid him a thanks. He did great on everything, school even, college. But yet nobody ever said that to him. He was found.

He was finally found by someone, Yoongi.

He was sobbing. Yoongi held him in his arms. He loved this. He loved it.

That night, they spent together sleeping inside the car. Cuddling, in the winter, under the beautiful sky.

Years passed. College days were heavy, but Jeongguk didn’t put much pressure into it. They spent time together everyday. Until Yoongi moved out of the town. There was no those three words that’s being said by both of them. But they both knew. They both understood enough.

Yoongi left the town for a job at a different province. Jeongguk didn’t feel sad, he knew enough that there will always be a home to come back to. Yoongi thought so.

From that moment on, Jeongguk loved waiting. Because he finally found it, the key to his problem: he found something.. someone to look forward to. He wasn’t feeling empty anymore. He realized that he have matured. He remembered past days where he was still a high school kid with confusion. He remembered his parents, his mother, his father. Life was maybe perfect enough for him. But what he could do, nothing is perfect. There was always that one piece of puzzle that was off from the tile. All those what made him what he were that time. But what shaped him the most, was Yoongi.

Learning about Yoongi was his favourite routine.

Now, loving Yoongi is his favourite routine.

When he realized he catched it. It wasn't romantic. Not flush with pink roses and wine, but rather normal. It was a quiet realization. Like checking the weather he was currently standing in,

"Huh.. It's a bit warmer than I would have guessed." *

Maybe Jimin was right.

Being in love takes time.

* source: ♡