Wiseman or a Dork

 

I like everything about Hana. Everything. Even her small hands. And those big brown eyes of hers. I especially like her calmness, inadaptability and her weird honesty.

I fell for her head over heels.

Hana didn’t look like my ideal type of girl at all. I thought I would go after tall, model looking girls who would laugh at my stupid jokes and feed me compliments all of the time. I didn’t even know myself. The other me. I was very surprised when I met him. The other me was tired of model looking girls and friends with fake smiles who only admired me for being successful and, well, rich.

I was very tired of “successfulness”.

They all envied me.

They all adored me.

They were all saying how smart I was.

I felt like I was hundred years old, even though I was barely twenty. It seemed to me as if I had skipped my youth and straight away fell into the middle age crisis. I started thinking about the meaning of life and started to dress in only black clothing, and I was planning to get a few piercings, maybe put a hole in my nose or in my tongue. My heart was already pierced, in a way. I can’t really tell what it was all about, I had everything and yet I felt empty. That emptiness started to spread quickly, and I became more and more miserable. They said I was spoiled, but I wasn’t. I was sad, and that was forbidden.

Then I met Park Hana. The rain was pouring and I found a shelter in the staircase of some random building. She was sitting on the stairs, reading. She didn’t even look at me. She kept staring at that book of hers.

“Interesting plot?” I asked.

“One could say so…” she applied grumpily, barely opening . Outside a lightning just struck. I felt unwanted, but I didn’t want to give up.

“My name is Jimin. Park Jimin.”

She kept quiet. The rain was still pouring in waves.

“It’s raining cats and dogs out there” I said.

Nothing. Silence. No answer. Like I didn’t even exist!

“You don’t want to talk to me, huh?”

“No” she said. “I don’t want to.”

I sat next to her and fell silent. And suddenly I felt peace. I didn’t have to try hard to be interesting, I didn’t have to be in the centre of attention, make witty comebacks and stupid jokes. I could just glumly sit there and wait for the rain to stop falling. I felt relieved, for the first time.

Hana read about a ten pages of her book before she suddenly closed it. I felt like we were old friends, I’m not sure why.

“The rain stopped” she suddenly said. And indeed, the sun was already very visible.

“I’m Park Hana, by the way” she added.

I was already in love. I walked her home while skipping over puddles. I would laugh out of the blue while being on the verge of crying at the same time. All of my emotions started to mix inside me.

“What’s your deal?” she asked me. Later I found out that she’s a champion in asking awkward questions. And in waiting for the answers. Sometimes, I realized, she can be very talkative.

They say love changes everything. I changed as well. I don’t bear the weight of fame and “successfulness” on my shoulders anymore and I’m not trying to make everybody love me. I felt like a huge burden was removed from my heart. Sometimes I feel, it’s stupid to say, very grown up.

“Be who you are” Hana says as she smiles at me. “You see, I’m always kind of grumpy and introverted, so what? I have a right on my anger, happiness and joy, on every single one of my moods.”

“Very convenient!” I get lost in her smile.

“Very inconvenient!” she laughs. “But that’s me!”

“But that’s you” I repeat, dreamily. Where have all my worries and problems suddenly disappeared to? I feel like I’m becoming wiser. Instead of a dork in love, I became a wiseman in love! And that’s not that small of a deal. And it’s not at all simple. But thanks to Park Hana I did it. And that emptiness inside me was long gone and replaced with love. And for the first time ever, I could honestly say it; I’m happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------