I’ve been stupid. I know that now. Perhaps I just never thought I would lose you. But I did. I lost you.

It makes me wonder if I only smiled at you more, if only I hugged you tighter, kissed you sweeter and told you “I love you” more than you ever said that to me, if you would be here with me now. I was under the illusion that you would always love me, that you would never leave me. But you did. And it hurts. It hurts so much. But it was also my fault, wasn’t it? I pushed you away. You loved me very much and I took you for granted. Every day I pushed you away from me and every day you would hold on tighter. I pulled the rope. You pulled it tighter. Even if it made you bleed, you held on tight. But the rope snapped. I still held the other end. You let go and I know why.

I saw you the other day. You looked sad.  I didn’t want you to look sad. For the first time in a long time, I saw that the light have died in your eyes. They used to shine like the sun when I met you. Now as I stare at you from afar, I realized that I took it away from you. And for that, I wanted to kill myself. You turned to me. You tried to smile but instead, tears flooded your eyes. But you did not let them fall. You were always so strong, hyung. Even when your heart was breaking, you did not let me see you cry. Instead of the light I saw in your eyes when we first met, I saw the defensiveness there. And I know why. I understand.  You were exhausted. I tired you much more than you can bear.

It couldn’t be helped. We are band mates. We have to work together. There are times when I wanted to touch you. I wanted to hold your hand. But I couldn’t. Not anymore. So I sat there while you talked to our dancers. You looked cheerful. But I know it was just a façade. You were always so selfless. You didn’t want other people to worry so you tried to act as if nothing is wrong with you. You tried to avoid looking directly at me. It hurt. It really hurt knowing that the eyes which were once searching for me every minute of every day were the same eyes which could not bear to look at me now. I know I’ve hurt you. But Yunho-hyung, can you please just look at me? Just once. Even if it will reveal how much you hate me, just look at me. Just once. Please. Please.

That new back up dancer gets on my nerves. Jihoon, was it? You know what, I don’t really care. From the moment he stepped on the studio, his eyes could never seem to leave you. I don’t like it. I really don’t. And because you’re so nice, you talk to him as if you know each other for a long time. Every time you do that, it makes me really hate you. Don’t you notice how that guy likes to touch you even if you just met? When you accidentally sprain your left foot, I saw it. He held your hand. I wanted to punch him. Why can’t he just keep his hands to himself? You’re not a child that he should coo over. Why is it that you seem to not mind? Do you like him, hyung? You laugh with him too. And every time you do that, it breaks my heart that I wanted to cry. You don’t do that with me anymore. I couldn’t make you laugh like he does. Is he trying to mend you together, hyung? Hyung, I’m jealous. I’m so jealous it hurts. Please don’t let him. I know it’s selfish. But it hurts so much. It hurts so much. It really hurts so much.

It was raining when I heard it. You were dating somebody. I have an idea who. I ran out of the building as soon as I heard. When I was out, I yelled and yelled until my voice was hoarse and my throat ached. I wanted the rain to fall harder and washed me away. I wanted lightning to strike me. I wanted to die. When we were together, I killed you slowly. But you, you did it on one go. And it hurts so much I don’t think I can breathe. I don’t know who’s crueler. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. But hyung, I still love you. Are you really over me? Did I hurt you so much you got over me so quick? Tell me they’re lying. Tell me you’re not ready for someone new. Tell me you’re still not over me. Please, Jung Yunho, tell me you still love me.  

-Shim Changmin