One week after I woke up, Danah committed suicide.

She committed suicide just in time for Jongdae’s birthday. She even left him a little note and tucked twenty bucks into the card.

I was the one who found her laying on the bathroom floor at school. It could easily have been a teacher or another student who found Danah cold dead, but it was me. And from the bottom of my heart I knew that it wasn’t a coincidence.

Unlike how some people vividly remember tragedy, the whole situation was a blur of events for me. I remember trembling, poking at Danah to wake up-- knowing well that she wouldn’t. I settled down and reached for her cold hand to grab the letter that was peeking out from her white fingers.

One was a neatly written letter to her family— saying that she was sorry and they didn’t have to be.

The other was to Jongdae— her only true friend. I condemned myself for reading the letter. I condemned myself even more when I didn’t give it to Jongdae.

I could not and I would not.

She wrote things that might have consoled his grief, but she managed to end the letter with: ‘I will never love you’.

I gripped on tightly to that letter. Maybe I was being selfish but I could not find it in my heart to exterminate my best friend's last hope.

There was still nothing that pained me more than to hear the agony in Jongdae’s cry at the funeral.

Danah’s parents asked Sehun, Jongdae, and I to speak at the funeral. I did not have the heart to refuse. But when I stood up there in front of Danah’s family, there was nothing that I had to say. All I could do was say what the people wanted to hear. I talked about how beautiful of a person she was. How delicate and sweet she was.

I said wonderful things about Danah under Jongdae’s repulsed glare and the heat of the note sinfully burning away in my pocket.

That day, for the first time in a couple of months, Jongdae, Sehun, and I were three again. After the funeral, we sat in Sehun’s bedroom in separate corners and talked about Danah.

Well, Jongdae talked about Danah. Sehun and I nodded and agreed to everything that he said.

Jongdae’s broken voice had the ability to maim my heart into pieces. He regret that he did not have the chance to tell her that he loved her. I could not look at Jongdae in the eye, but I meekly voiced, “She probably knew. She probably loved you too.”

The three of us spent the night at Sehun’s but in the morning, Jongdae was gone.

Unlike Sehun and I, Jongdae held his bitter anger inside of him. Our graduation was in a couple of weeks and he had lost all motivation. All I could do was watch as the corners of his heart burned away into ashes. I even thought about slipping the note into Jongdae’s locker at an effort to console his regrets but then decided that it was too late now— it had been more than two months since Danah’s passing.

I constantly tried to reach out to Jongdae. I remember all that he did for me when my father left and confounded myself when I couldn’t see any positive results in Jongdae’s emotional stability.

In all that time, Sehun and I shared our first night together. It was the night right before graduation. Sehun fell asleep after mumbling in my ear that it was the most beautiful night he had ever spent in his whole life. For me, it was dark and left me with regrets. I sat up in my bed in the middle of the night and cried as the moon howled a sardonic laugh at me. Sehun tossed and turned for a couple of minutes before he woke up, rubbing his eyes— jumping at my tears.

“Baby,” Sehun panicked, “What’s wrong?” He held me close to his bare chest and I could only cry harder.

I regret this, Sehun. I’m breaking you apart, Sehun. I thought this would get my mind off of all that happened, but it doesn’t, Sehun. I thought this might make me love you.

But I just shook my head. I didn’t cry when Danah died. I did not have the audacity to cry after seeing the true misery that it left Jongin in. But now, the tears came flowing. It wasn’t my fault, I wanted to say. I wanted to console myself and have others tell me that she didn’t die because of me. But no one ever told me that.

I was going crazy from the guilt of even the mere possibility that Danah was telling the truth when she told Jongdae that I was antagonizing her. I was going crazy from the guilt that sprouted from holding onto Sehun with all my might. Maybe Danah was right. I liked Sehun a lot. I didn’t love him, but I could see why she thought I was pulling him around on a leash. But unlike my mother, I would never be the one following a man around and begging him to stay. I would not dare hint that a man had some authority over my emotions.

I realized that this stubbornness of mine was causing Sehun to grow weary and deteriorate.

Even still, Sehun cupped my face and wiped my tears off, reaching onto the floor to grab his shirt before draping it around my shoulders.

“I love you so much, don’t cry.”

Sehun believed with all of his heart that the fact that the words ‘I love you’ coming out of his mouth would assuage me.

It did not.

During the whole of this time, Sehun, Jongdae, and I had received our acception and rejection letters from various colleges.

Jongdae was accepted to KAIST, his dream school.

It was a miracle that I was even accepted into college, considering my hasty preparations for exams and my internal breakdown towards the end of the year. Nonetheless, I was accepted into a prestigious all-girl's university. I knew that I was favored due to my family's standing in business.

Sehun followed his destined path and started off in the military under his father's careful care.

Graduation was bitter. High school had ended but it didn't mean anything to us.

To Sehun, it meant more time with his over-scrutinizing father.

To me, it meant studying, and degrees, and work.

To Jongdae, graduation was just an ill reminder that Danah still wasn't by his side.

We were all grown up now.

Sehun was grown up now.

After graduation, he stared into my eyes, unwavering, and cooly told me:

"I love you but you don't love me. That's okay, but I hope I never see you again."

Those words resonated with me for hours that turned into months and years. The way that timing worked was odd. It seemed as if as soon as he let me go, my heart concluded that I needed him by my side.

I went to college and met friends but when I turned around, I realized that no one that truly knew me was by my side. Jongdae and Sehun dissapated into memories. They were both at a place where I could no longer reach or grab for them as I wished.

University was truly an admonition. I woke up. I was arrogant, selfishly cautionary, righteous. I was a bit too aware of everything. Maybe if I had been more naive, I would have been able to realize that Sehun would never have left me if I asked.

I suddenly had a billion things to say to both Jongdae and Sehun. Especially Sehun. It pained me to even scrutinize the possibility of Sehun twinkling his eyes at another.

You never know what you have until it is gone.

Until he's gone.