"What happened yesterday?" Jongdae asked suggestively. My driver picked Jongdae up from school every morning as a result of his parents' bankruptcy. There was much gossip surrounding the logic behind how it was possible that the once stock-market giants ended up losing their longterm amassed money, but after a month or so, everyone found themselves regurgitating the same news about the next house and the next business. In the end, talk settled into what it was. Just talk.

"Nothing really."

"You're not too fond of your own boyfriend, are you?" Jongdae raised an eyebrow.

"Why would you ask that?" I questioned. I chewed slowly and cautiously on my strawberry, making sure I didn't drop it on my uniform like last week; also to avoid answering Jongdae's question.

"He's my friend," he replied.

I nodded, keeping my gaze steady on my fork.

"But you're my best friend--and this didn't come from my mouth but he won't stop talking about you," Jongdae stated in a whisper as if he had discovered something ground-breaking. I already knew that Sehun was much infatuated with me because of Danah and other same-level aquaintances' mumblings about how Sehun constantly asks them to ask me about my favorite color or what I wanted on my birthday.

"Does he?" 

"Well, that's not anything much but what I'm really trying to say is that you don't talk about him a whole lot," Jongdae snatched the fork from my

hand and gave me his signature 'don't-mess-things-up' look. "He really likes you."

"He told you about Saturday?" I asked, looking straight at Jongdae now. I wasn't ashamed, I was just surprised that Sehun actually remembered, nonetheless told my best friend.

Jongdae nodded, "I know it's your personality but you have to be nice to him. I mean, he's your boyfriend and you treat him like you treat me."

"That-" I interrupted, taking the fork from him again and stabbing it into a banana, "-Is just my dating style, dear."

"y?"

"Cautious."

"You have no reason to be, he's a good guy," Jongdae sighed exasperated and sunk into the car seat, staring at me incredulously.

"Well, sure, but a good guy can still murder if he's given a good chance and a good reason," I explained, "Anyway-- let's talk about you and Danah, shall we?"

"There is no me and Danah," Jongdae's eyes narrowed. I looked up to see our driver staring right into my eyes through the rear-view mirror and I kicked Jongdae in the knee. He responded with a 'what the hell' but eventually managed to grasp the situation and keep his mouth shut (barely) until we got to school. One of the only things we learned from the war was how to keep our mouths shut.

Not in a good way.

As usual, Sehun greeted me with a morning kiss in the middle of the atrium and Danah, as usual, tried to respond nonchalantly. Jongdae always had

some poster to make, some school-board argument to console, some social function to organize.

Sehun slung his arm around my shoulder and started to pull me gently towards class, leaving Danah. I looked behind me to see Danah left standing in solitude in the middle of the school, blankly peering over at us-- and for a second, I could swear on my life that I saw a glint of absolute enmity before she smiled a gentle and pretty smile, waving goodbye.

"Dad's in America today, do you want to come over?" Sehun whispered dangerously close in my ear. 

"You're all alone?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied smugly. Sehun beamed. 

"Can't Jongdae come?"

"He can't," Sehun replied, his beam quickly fading away. "Do you say this on purpose to make me jealous, Yoonmi?"

I gave him a quizzical look and Sehun kissed me quickly on my nose, his face brightening again with the usual pompous gleam in his eye. "You're cute when you’re all surprised.”

I responded with a smile as I leaned into his arm, "I wonder what America is like?" I pondered out loud.

"Blue skies. Sunshine. Beautiful people."

"Take me when this war ends, will you, Sehun?"

"Yeah," he shot me a boyish grin, "But for now I can phone my dad for a postcard or something."

Sehun kept his arm protectively around my waist, his hands clenched in a light way, his thumb making rounds of circles on the back of my hand. I had lived under Sehun's affection ever since the first day I met him and I could well understand why my nonchalance made Danah jealous and Jongdae paltry.

Sehun could not resist me. His lips constantly went towards my fingers, neck, lips. He wanted to be closer, closer, closer...

With all my heart, I wanted Sehun to find me stealing glances at him; I wanted Sehun to be the first one I went to whether I was spilling tears of jubilation or melancholy. My lack of amity frustrated me just as much as our powerless friends around us and Sehun himself.

Indeed, Oh Sehun was beautiful.

Absolutely nothing had changed since the first day I met him. He was still well-spoken; he was still mysteriously revealing, but I learned that a relationship built off of positive first impressions rarely triumphed.

I never realized the true emphasis of ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ until now. There was nothing wrong with Sehun. It was all me.

"Yoonmi?"

"Yeah." 

The bell had rung twenty minutes or so and I still didn't have my materials out. I found myself digging through my clustered bag and mumbling an apology to Mrs. Jeon when she interrupted me, "No, I asked you where Danah was."

I turned to Sehun who shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

"She was here this morning," I responded, "But I haven't seen her since."

Mrs. Jeon seemed troubled and announced to the whole class that we were to have 'free time' which struck us all odd. There was no such thing as 'free

time' in the Korean school system nor in Mrs. Jeon's vulgar dictionary full of malicious despondencies.

"Ji Yoonmi, see me outside," she responded. Our class who grew quiet and I felt their beady eyes on me. As soon as I stepped outside, Mrs. Jeon stepped forward for a stiff embrace.

"I'm so sorry," she sighed into my hair.

Her hot coffee breath filled my nostrils. She pat me on the back with her thin fingers before pulling back and sighing another time, moving the strand of hair that had caught onto her lip gloss off of her face.

"Why?" I asked, utterly puzzled.

"I'm pretty sure you're having a hard time after you heard about Danah's..." Mrs. Jeon looked around the hallway before rubbing her clammy hands together and leaning in close, "suicide attempt."

"Oh," I managed to utter out after a long pause. I felt my heart clunk to the pits of my stomach as Mrs. Jeon laid a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it tightly. I tried to regain my composure but the news made my knees weak and hands shake. The feeling that Mrs. Jeon left me with was petrifying. I turned my head to look inside the classroom at Jongdae who was staring at me worriedly. His sharp features grew hazy as I realized that tears were involuntarily starting to mask my vision. From the corner of my eye I caught Sehun trying to catch my attention, but I quickly turned away, letting out an unstable breath of life.

"How is she nowadays?"

I took another breath before I sincerely stated, "She seemed fine."

"Seemed fine? Haven't you talked to her? She told me that you're her best friend?"

My teacher's words left me in a further state of antagonizing guilt. My head hung further down as I nodded.

But we weren't really best friends. Jongdae and I have been practically one person since the beginning of time and Sehun was my boyfriend. When Danah wasn't there, we didn't feel much of a vacancy nor did any one of us particularly take the time to call her and ask her where she was. 

Maybe she knew.

Mrs. Jeon didn't dare peep another word for a minute or so before she cleared and straightened the hem of her ill-fitting white blouse,

"Clean yourself up, I'm expecting you back in ten minutes at the most."

I turned away from my retreating teacher and held my gaze to my tightened fists, quickening my steps towards the girls bathroom. I wanted to conclude that I was truly worried for Danah's emotional state, but I could not deny the fact that all I felt was an emotion a step short from pity and the trampling repurcussions of bad conscience.

I pushed the bathroom door open and nearly screamed when I saw a figure perched on top of the ledge of the bathroom window. White, childlike fingers firmly, yet complacently grasped onto the window frame and two dangerously paper thin white legs drummed against the bathroom wall.

A girl with long, black straight hair turned unnervingly at the sound of my shoes squeaking against the tile floor.

"Danah?" My voice cracked and I attempted to swallow as a habit out of nervousness but my mouth was far too dry.

"Oh, it's just you," she let out a lovely chuckle and turned back to look outside, pensive. I casually walked over to the sink and laid my hands on the edge of the bowl, peering up at my friend on the ledge.

"Danah," I called.

"Hm," she hummed.

One of my ultimate character flaws was the very fact that in periods of pressure, I often held myself together with a faked type of poise and certainty that drove me to blurt out phrases that I didn't mean; words that I wouldn't have said. But who knows, maybe the real me came out during uncomfortable situations and the fake me was the girl who everyone knew me as.

Even I wasn't sure.

"Why weren't you in class?" I looked at the mirror and pretended to fix my hair, keeping my eyes steady on Danah's reflection. She wouldn't jump, right? "Come down from there," I added, "You'll get hurt."

"Fine," she replied, hopping down casually, "I just didn't want to go but I'll go now I guess."

I didn't say another word as her light figure made her way next to mine. Her existence was ghostly.

"Yoonmi?" Danah furrowed her eyebrows and laid a hand on my shoulder, "Were you crying?"

"Nah," I shook her hand off of my shoulder and let out a casual chuckle, "You know my allergies are bad this time of year."

I spent the whole day keeping a steady eye on Danah. I did exactly what I assumed she didn't want-- I offered her a part of my bento lunch box and made sure no one touched her volatile state with harsh jokes or pricking commentaries that I usually shrugged off and occasionally laughed along at.

I was a bad person. A terrible person. I walked on eggshells around Danah and of course, she noticed. Danah always noticed. People like her who blend into the background and always watched and always listened couldn't help but notice the beautiful and the grotesque around them. People like her end up miserable because they know too much.

Classmates -- Jongdae but mostly Sehun asked what was going but I shook my head, telling them that nothing was going on. After school, I stayed behind until Danah left who seemed more exhausted than she usually did.

I gave her a misshapen hug before she left and realized that I was probably only adding to her misery.

I walked to Sehun's house after school, counting my steps and cursing at Seoul's oppressive humidity that choked at my throat.

I opened Sehun's front door and immediately, Sehun and Jongdae stood up. That day was a day of sin as I marched straight for Jongdae and found comfort in his arms instead of Sehun's. Only later did I remember the events that had taken place earlier that morning when Sehun outright refused inviting Jongdae over. Sehun must have compromised and realized that I needed Jongdae.

"What's wrong?" Jongdae whimpered into my hair in his mock-puppy dog voice as he pet my back. I dug my head further into Jongdae's jacket and started mumbling, "Danah."

"YoonMi..." I heard Sehun's voice reverberate as I hastily wiped my tears away and parted from Jongdae. Sehun cleared his throat and offered me his hand, which I took. His eyes met mine so I gave him a helplessly ugly attempt at a smile which he returned.

Sehun tugged on my hand and brought me into a short hug that didn't feel as comodable as Jongdae's.

Later, when I got home, I occupied myself over staying quiet as I always did when my stepfather's business friends were over. A mere two hours of not seeing Danah and I was ashamed to say that my worries about her had already left my mind.