Jongdae and Danah were attached at the hip.

In response, Sehun took this opportunity to spend every second with me. He greeted me by the school gates and after school, we spent thirty minutes on homework and the rest of the night eating bowl ramen and fooling around at the city square. We made a game out of seeing who would step on the gum we chewed and spit on the concrete. Sometimes, when his dad was in the Washington or Paris or Tokyo and when my mom and stepfather were at a business meeting, we would go home and cook new recipes from the new nationally-supported cooking show that aired every afternoon.

Of course, the cooking, like our homework, was irregular and only on days where the program broadcasted featured recipes that were heart-attack inducing or soaked in sodium. On particularly good days, we would be able to sneak into wine cellars and I would watch as Sehun drank his problems away and was reduced to a jubilant mess.

Sehun and I still sat in the back of the class near the window whereas Jongdae and Danah guarded their seats in the front. The war was reaching a stalemate so the steady flow of students in and out of schools was ceasing to an end. However, so was our short-lived foursome.

I realized that the only thing that kept Jongdae and I close was remnants of our rose-watered childhood and a lack of desire to change what did not need to be changed. Sehun and Jongdae were never friends in the first place and again, Danah was only present without presence.

Nonetheless, it was not until me and Jongdae's family gathered for dinner when I discovered that our friendship was indeed wavering. I didn't think much about his silence during dinner. Both of us grew up in households that demanded zero expression a form of social conduct. However, after the talk about school ranks and the new law firms in Tokyo, Jongdae and I went outside to sit in the midst of our silence.

"I feel like I haven't talked to you lately," I chuckled. I did not feel awkward at all but it seemed as if Jongdae did. He drummed a hollow beat on the dark mahogany patio and nodded slowly at my words. I knew that he felt my gaze on his back but he insisted on staring at the flooring.

"Yoonmi, I've been meaning to ask you this and all. But why did you even tell me about Danah in the first place? I just don't understand why you would do that to her."

"What?" Was all I could utter. I had gone without talking to Jongdae in a week. I now realized that he was gingerly ignoring me as opposed to my initial thought that Jongdae was trying to outreach his gracing benevolence to our fellow classmate.

"When you knew that this was all your fault in the first place?"

"I still don't understand what you're talking about,” And I sincerely didn’t. There were two things in the world that I hated the most: People that beat around the bush and liars. I had a feeling that I would be confronting both very soon.

"I just…” Jongdae threw his hands up in exasperation, “I'm disappointed in you. You knew that Danah and Sehun had a past that wasn't resolved and you basically-"

Jongdae finally looked up at my face to see my incredulous expression. He seemed confused for a second too before he stood up from the patio chair and shook his head, "All the things that Danah told me were right. The fact that you're using me and hurting her for fun and pulling Sehun around on a leash. Stop lying to yourself."

"Wait-" I started, a heavy weight was now sitting on my chest. Although I acted as I never cared about what other people said about me, I was probably the one who cared the most. Especially because it was coming from someone dear to me.

"This is you! This is who you are, Yoonmi. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have Danah to help me realize it."

"Yoonmi? Jongdae?"

We both turned to look at the door where Jongdae's mother was standing there with a sparkling wine glass and a dazzling smile to match. "Come inside. The air force regulators will be making their rounds soon. I don't want all the wind from their rusty old helicopters messing up your healthy lungs."

Jongdae nodded and gave me a final stare before he started his long odyssey away from my life.

I had to admit that I was a pretty volatile person. My lows were especially low and my highs were especially high. None of them particularly lasted very long but I hated skidding indecisively in the middle gray when I could choose between a stark black or white.

I walked into school the next day with looks to kill. I was not very concerned about the fact that Danah and Sehun had a past that I didn't know about, but I was outright infuriated that Danah would dare say anything that would cause Jongdae to suddenly believe that I was some sort of an animal.

Not Jongdae.

If I thought about what I was about to do for a second more, I might have hesitated. I might have then saved my dignity but all I could think about was the fact that Jongdae had been my best friend since birth. Jongdae had been there for me when things first started to get bad and he was holding my hand through my recovery. All I could think about was the hurt that came with the betrayal of the only person in my life that had ever been steady and the sadness that arose from his belief that he didn't mean anything to me.

I would never sit still fiddling my thumbs stupidly as people drilled holes into my now-sinking boat.

"We need to talk." The smile from Jongdae and Danah's faces disappeared. Danah looked to Jongdae as if she were saying 'I'm scared.'

Jongdae rolled his eyes at me and placed his hand on top of Danah's-- who gave a shy smile in response.

My face felt as if it was on fire and my vision was already turning blurry from the hot tears of anger mixed with embarrassment. I was all too aware that it was two against one. I was the only person here that looked crazed and I was the only person that looked ridiculous and melodramatic.

"Stop with your bull, Danah."

"Ji Yoonmi," Jongdae's voice reached a dangerous low that I never heard before. "You better calm down."

"No. She owes me an explanation," I pointed to Danah who was staring at her small fingers.

"She doesn't owe you anything."

I didn't know whether it was the look of resentment on Jongdae's face or the heat that arose on my cheeks from the Seoul sun but something triggered it again.

Before I knew it, I heard the distant cries of Jongdae and saw spirals of head-banging black and white as I cascaded into darkness.

Sehun was beside me when I woke up.

Jongdae wasn’t. In fact, he would never be by my side ever again. He would always be on the other side of the water. In between us would always be always be a burnt bridge. All of the smoke would dissipate our pocket of jubilation into bitterness and the ashes would slowly take our memories far away from us. I didn’t want to believe it but I saw the end coming for Jongdae and I. He was always there when I flowed in and out of consciousness. I wanted to believe that he was there with me. He's probably using the bathroom, hitting on a girl somewhere in the hospital, making sardonic jokes…

Whatever it was, I wanted to believe that my best friend would be by my side until we were aged.

But that wasn’t the case.

We grew out of each other.

And he would never be there for me again.

On the other hand, Sehun was there. Bubble tea in hand, he asked ten thousand questions and scolded me for the lack of care that I had for my body. The doctor must have told him that I  had post traumatic stress disorder. I could tell because he subconsciously started to handle me as if I was made out of fine china.

But still, he caressed my face and kissed my forehead and rubbed my arms. He whispered, “I love you” for the first time when I was on that hospital bed. And Sehun sung those words with such a lyrical tenderness that I wanted the time to stop. Those words resonated with me and I held onto them with all my might.

However, I couldn’t get my lips to utter the same words. All I could do was sit there and stare at him. Because I was not sure of how I felt.

Sehun took one look at me and he knew; he told me not to force it.

I didn’t know if my heart was broken or if I was psychologically awry, but it seemed as if I wasn’t suited for love. 

Love is for beautiful people. People with gorgeous thoughts and graceful actions. Girls who walk on daisies and boys who buy roses. Love is for people who have full hearts to give to another. I just did not fit this category. I was too pragmatic to even fathom the thought of devoting the whole of my emotions to a human being. Human beings are unstable and elusive and ephemeral. My thoughts were too practical. I always looked to the future before I gave myself the chance to ponder the present. I liked to stay one step ahead.

The concept of love is beautiful. But it’s a concept. A concept that didn’t resonate with me.

Sehun was everything I could ever want in a lover. But he didn’t make me feel exceptionally excited, nor did he trigger “butterflies”. I didn’t know if I was looking for the wrong signs of love, but from what I heard about in songs and movies, it didn’t seem like I was a victim of ‘love’.