Trigger warning: panic attack, nightmare/flashback

 

It’d been a while since María had a roommate. She’d stopped keeping track about a year ago. It took them months to let her have one in the first place because they were worried she was violent.

 

“I am violent, as you know,” María said to Hwasa. She stared at Hwasa, who was sitting on what was soon to be her roommate’s bed.  

 

“You’re not violent,” Hwasa said. “You don’t belong here.”

 

“You’ve always been so nice to me,” María said with a defeated sigh. She flopped backwards on her bed. “I never deserved it.” 

 

Just when she’d shut her eyes, hoping for a midday nap before whatever else was on her schedule––she also stopped caring about that a long time ago––there were people in the room. 

 

She sat up to see a girl with red hair, dark circles under her eyes, and too-pale skin wearing the same hospital pajamas she wore. They stared at each other for a moment before both dropping their eyes. 

 

The girl looked drugged, María thought, but then who wasn’t drugged in here. Whenever María caught sight of herself in the fake glass mirrors in the bathroom she hated the glazed over look in her eyes, but she was too tired to care enough to try to change it. 

 

The attendants who had arrived with the girl placed a few sets of clothes on the bed as well as a few toiletries. Their only worldly belongings unless someone from the outside brought them something. 

 

Nobody had brought María anything in the three years she’d been there.

 

“María-shi,” one of the attendants said. “This is Moonbyul-shi. She’s your new roommate.” He looked between the girls with a smile. “I’ll leave you to settle in,” he said to Moonbyul, as if she really had anything to put away. 

 

María knew in a normal world, she’d introduce herself. She’d greet her new roommate formally, find out a bit about her, like her age so she knew how to address her… Looking her over, she couldn’t really tell her age. She looked kind of beat-up in a way María couldn’t describe. 

 

“I’m tired,” Moonbyul suddenly said before climbing into bed and pulling the covers over her head. 

 

María turned to Hwasa, who was now standing by the window and shrugged. 

 

“You should be nice to her,” Hwasa said. 

 

“Why? Roommates never last. They all leave and I always stay.” 

 

“You don’t belong here. You’re going to leave some day, too.” 

 

María choked out a laugh. 

 

“And the sky is green.” 

 

Hwasa heard Moonbyul shifting around, and turned to see her face poking out from under the blankets. 

 

“Who are you talking to?” 

 

María was surprised at the lack of judgment in Moonbyul’s voice. 

 

“My sister,” María said. 

 

“Ah,” Moonbyul said, looking around the room. “Where is she?” 

 

María narrowed her eyes. “Don’t treat me like that.”

 

“Like what?” Moonbyul sat up and ran a hand through her now greasy red hair. 

 

“Like I’m crazy. I know you can’t see her.”

 

“Obviously,” Moonbyul said. “Otherwise I wouldn’t ask.” She turned away for a moment, looking at their room door that was never shut––could never shut. “I think I have the right to know who I’m sharing a room with, is all.”

 

María was silent for a beat. She never talked about Hwasa. Even with the psychiatrist she was forced to see multiple times a week, she never talked about seeing her. She didn’t even know why she had those appointments anymore. What was there to say after three years? What was there to say at all? 

 

“By the window,” she finally muttered. “I see her by the window right now.” 

 

Moonbyul looked in that direction and nodded. 

 

“It’s nice you can see someone you love,” Moonbyul said. 

 

María suddenly felt fury growing within her. She didn’t want to be seeing Hwasa this way. She wanted to see her alive. She wanted her sister to be doing things they were supposed to do at their age. She wanted to be at university with her. She wanted to go out with friends, to see Hwasa get a little tipsy for the first time. 

 

“Shut up,” María snapped. “I don’t know why you’re here, and I don’t care. I’m not here to make friends.” 

 

“Fine, whatever,” Moonbyul muttered, sinking back under the covers. 

 

María stood next to Hwasa. It was just starting to rain outside, making the grey of the parking lot even drearier. 

 

“I told you to be nice to her.”

 

María was silent. 

 

There were some things her sister asked of her that she just couldn’t do.

 

***

 

Moonbyul and María were like ghosts to each other. Even though they spent most of their time in that room, they didn’t talk. If one of them accidentally looked at the other, they either quickly glanced away or glared. 

 

It went on for the entire first week they shared a room until that one night––the night Moonbyul had her first nightmare. 

 

Moonbyul hadn’t been dreaming since she arrived at the hospital. Or she was, but she never recalled them. It was the medication, she figured. She brought it up to her doctor and was simply promised her dreams would return.

 

Now she wished they never had. 

 

She was on her apartment couch, alone, when suddenly she felt someone sit next to her. She turned to see Sunmi, her lips upturned in a smile, as crimson as ever.
 

“Moonbyul-ie,” she whispered. “I’ve missed you.” 

 

Sunmi leaned in to kiss her, but before their lips could touch, Moonbyul was suddenly in the café she used to work at. Sunmi walked in, her heels clacking against the tiled floor. She wore her sunglasses and a tight frown. 

 

Moonbyul opened to talk to her, but no words would come out. The more she tried to talk, the more it felt like molasses was filling , like she couldn’t even breathe. 

 

Sunmi reached out toward her, her fingers brushing against her cheek. “So beautiful,” she said, as Moonbyul silently choked. “I’m so sorry, Moonbyul-ie.” 

 

Moonbyul couldn’t even ask what Sunmi was sorry for, but then she realized she didn’t have to. Paramedics rushed in and grabbed her from behind the counter, pulling her out the door before she could even comprehend what was happening. 

 

They strapped her down to the gurney as she kicked her legs and wildly swung her arms at them, trying to escape. 

 

She watched, entirely helpless, as Sunmi stood at the backdoor to the ambulance, slowly shutting it, slowly shutting Moonbyul in.

 

Just before she clicked it shut, Moonbyul saw one last word form on Sunmi’s lips: lunatic.

 

Moonbyul sat up, sweat dripping from her body, trying to breathe, but she felt like she was choking. Sunmi-ya, Sunmi-ya––

 

“Who the hell is Sunmi?”

 

In the dim light cast on them from the hallway, Moonbyul could see María slowly sit up and rub her eyes. 

 

“Who is she?” She asked again.

 

Moonbyul tried to answer, but she still couldn’t breathe. She was gulping in air, but it couldn’t seem to reach her lungs. 

 

María padded over to Moonbyul’s bed and sat on the edge. She took both of her clammy hands in hers and stared into her eyes. 

 

“Breathe with me. Breathe in hana, dul, set, net, taesot, yeosot, eelgub… Now hold for seven beats… Now breathe out for seven…” 

 

They repeated this until Moonbyul could breathe again. 

 

“Do you want to tell me?” 

 

There was a softness in María’s eyes Moonbyul hadn’t seen before. Maybe it’s because it was the dead of night, because she’d basically just taught her how to breathe again, or maybe this was the real María, who the other girl was trying to bury deep within herself. 

 

“Sunmi,” Moonbyul said, still feeling a bit out of breath. “Sunmi is the reason I’m here. She put me here.” 

 

María nodded. “You kept saying ‘lunatic.’ That’s what really woke me up.” 

 

“Oh,” Moonbyul turned away from María, hoping it was too dark for her to see her blush. “Sorry.”

 

María ignored her apology. “Did she say that to you?” 

 

“Yes,” Moonbyul whispered. “After she lied to me. She told me she loved me, that she’d leave her husband for me…”  She took a steadying breath. “Then when he actually found out, she acted like I was worth less than the gum on the bottom of her shoes.” 

 

María’s eyes still held a softness, an understanding, something Moonbyul hadn’t felt much of since she got here.

 

“I did go a little crazy. I trashed their place.” 

 

María snorted. “Please, I’d do the same.”

 

“Really?” Moonbyul asked. 

 

“Totally.” María actually smiled at Moonbyul––just a bit, but it was there. “I guess we’re both in here for a reason though.”

 

And then, like they were girls at summer camp, they both actually laughed.