Triggers warning: Mention of suicidal ideation; discussion of fear of abdonment

 

Dr. Kim really couldn’t get through to María. Nobody could. In the end, Hwasa watched as they injected her sister for what felt like the thousandth time since she’d been there. She watched as María lost consciousness, and when she placed her head next to María’s, she saw darkness.

 

There would be no sharing dreams tonight. 

 

***

 

Moonbyul sat in an arm chair across from Dr. Kim, who sat in an identical one. 

 

“Moonbyul-shi,” Dr. Kim said. “I noticed something in all the commotion during group yesterday.” 

 

Moonbyul bit at her nails––a habit from childhood she’d never been able to shake. 

 

“When María called you ‘unnie,’ you seemed… Well, unhappy.” Dr. Kim said after searching for the right word for a moment. 

 

“I hate that word,” Moonbyul quickly said. 

 

“Why?” Dr. Kim leaned forward. Her openness, her genuineness… Moonbyul felt like she could truly trust her. 

 

“It’s what I called Sunmi-shi before…” She took a deep breath. “Before she betrayed me.” 

 

“Ah, so it has really bad connotations with it,” Dr. Kim said. 

 

Moonbyul nodded. “Right before Sunmi-shi told me to call her informally, I called her… that word. And it was then that she told me she’d never abandon me. She told me we’d always be together and she would leave her husband for me.” 

 

Moonbyul felt tears gathering in her eyes. Dr. Kim silently handed her a tissue. 

 

“She loved me so much, but she just discarded me like I was nothing. I’m completely worthless to her. I’m worthless,” Moonbyul said quietly. 

 

“Moonbyul-shi,” Dr. Kim said. “Sunmi-shi treated you horribly, and that reflects on her––not you. So knowing that, do you still believe you’re worthless?”

 

“My parents died, my aunt hated me, and the one person I loved…” Moonbyul shook her head. “How can I not feel worthless?”

 

“I’m sure your parents didn’t want to leave you,” Dr. Kim said. “And your aunt…” 

 

“I looked too much like my mom,” Moonbyul said. “I overheard her on the phone not long after my parents’ funeral. She said she would take care of me for my mom, but looking at me reminded her of the sister she lost. Everyday she had to relive the pain of knowing her younger sister was dead.” 

 

“We can’t control what other people think or say, but we can control how we react and how we think. Your aunt made a choice, Sunmi-shi made a choice, and neither of those say anything about your worth.” 

 

Moonbyul nodded, letting the words sink in.

 

“What does it all mean then?” She asked. “I’m still someone who is always abandoned.” 

 

Dr. Kim smiled. “I think you have one good friend here, Moonbyul-shi.”

 

“I’m afraid.” Moonbyul’s voice was small and timid. “I’m afraid she’ll leave me too.” 

 

Dr. Kim sighed, a smile still on her face. “That fear might always be there after everything you’ve been through, but the past doesn’t define the future unless you let it.” 

 

Dr. Kim leaned forward just a bit more. 

 

“And besides, Moonbyul-shi, we can’t let the fears win. You care about María-shi. It’s true, you can walk away now and be safe, never be abandoned by her. But wouldn’t it be far better to see how things turn out if you stay?”

 

***

 

“She hates me,” María said to Hwasa. They were sitting on her bed, Marís still groggy from the medication she was on. “Moonbyulie hates me.” She dropped her head into her hands. “I’m too much.” 

 

“I’m certain she doesn’t hate you,” Hwasa said. 

 

She wanted to reach out and hug María. Ever since she’d seen Moonbyul and Wheein hug her sister, it hurt even more that she couldn’t. Somewhere in her was so hollow from the pain of not being able to hug her just one more time. 

 

“You saw how she ran away,” María said. “It’s like she suddenly realized what a mess I am and just couldn’t take it. And she’s been avoiding me all day.” 

 

“I’m sure she’s just busy,” Hwasa said. “Maybe she’s with Dr. Kim.”

 

“She’s going to leave here and forget all about me.” María curled up on her bed, knees hugged to her chest. “It’s better for her that way. She should heal, leave, forget me. Me, who will be here forever.” 

 

“María-ya, you won’t be here forever.” 

 

“She hates me,” María mumbled. “Moonbyulie really hates me.” 

 

“I don’t hate you,” Moonbyul suddenly said. 

 

Both girls turned to see Moonbyul standing in the doorway. 

 

“I don’t hate you at all, María-ya. I just hate that word… the word you called me.” 

 

María was confused for a moment before remembering she’d called Moonbyul unnie. 

 

“It’s what I called Sunmi-shi,” Moonbyul said quickly. “So when you said it…” She took a deep breath. “It brought me back there.” She sat next to María on her bed. “So call me affectionately, María-ya.” 

 

María couldn’t help the smile that slipped onto her face. 

 

“You don’t hate me?” She was afraid of the answer, but she had to be certain. 

 

“Not even a little bit,” Moonbyul said before pulling María in for a hug. “You’re the closest friend I have, María-ya. I don’t plan on going anywhere.” 

 

María sighed, finally feeling relieved. 

 

“Rest some more,” Moonbyul said. 

 

María eventually drifted off, and as soon as she was certain she was asleep, Hwasa was at Moonbyul’s side. 

 

“I’m worried about María-ya,” she said. “I heard her thinking––” 

 

“You can hear our thoughts?!” Moonbyul exclaimed.

 

“Only if I touch you! So no, I haven’t listened in on your thoughts if you’re wondering. It was an accident. Like if I pass through a person, I hear what they’re thinking.” She left out the part where she snuck into María’s dreams. 

 

“Oh, thank goodness,” Moonbyul breathed a sigh of relief with a little chuckle. But then her face sobered up. “What is it, though?” 

 

“I heard her thinking she’d be better off with me… Really with me.” 

 

Moonbyul looked down at María, who looked peaceful in her sleep. The fear––the fear of being abandoned––gripped her. She pushed it down. She had to take care of María. 

 

“I’ll watch her,” Moonbyul said. “We both will. We’ll get her through this.” She looked up and locked eyes with Hwasa. “We’ll get her through this together.”