Chapter one; Reset.
Time To Love.
Chapter one; Restart.
You gave me hope
my reason to smile,
to me,
you are everything.
I'll give up everything
for your happiness,
your pain is mine.
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Everyday is the same, I see you and you see her. She’s everything to you, as you are to me, but there is a difference that she loves you back; me, I’m just your one sided lover. I gave up everything I ever had, just for you, when you’re down or happy, I’m there for you. In need of help, a shoulder to lean on, I was always there. To capture her heart, I even helped you; despite the pain I felt; every time you’re with her, the smiles, laughs, tears. It hurts me to see you with her.
I had to hide everything, my love, my heart, everything I wanted to show; I had to hide it all from you. Oh the pain, I wish this pain would leave me be, leave me alone; allowing me to move on – to restart. But life isn’t always fair, everything happens for a reason.
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“Ri In- ah, me and Tiffany are going out for dinner, would you like to join us?” Jaebeom asked me, it was sincere; but I knew better. Tiffany, she didn’t like me, it was worst – hatred, yep that’s the word. She hates me, inside out. I wouldn’t blame her though, though she’s dating the love of my life, Jaebeom, he still spends a fairly amount of time on me; his best friend. “Mianhe, I can’t make it. Really, mianhe, but I have some busy to attend to.” I apologized, it wasn’t all a white lie, and I had to attend something, to an airport, to a flight agency. In a weeks’ time, I would be off, to another country. To start fresh, and hopefully, just hopefully; I could forget him, his scent, his smile, his laugh, and his features – everything about him…
-
“Ri In, here are you, why aren’t you picking up?”
“Call me back, please!”
“Are you there… we miss you…”
The messages, the voice, it was all lies. There was no ‘we’ it was just him, even my friends didn’t care of my existent; I’m a mere shadow that they all use, but I’m happy, to know that I’m useful to others, but what was my reason of living… I can’t always stand aside and watch them, seeing then happy together. Though I’m happy that his experiencing happiness, but what about mine, I’m dying inside every time I see them happy together, everything I had given up on, I’ve gave up for his happiness.
Why can’t he see this, why is love so blind. Nothing is ever running my way, I’m not fortunate enough, my life is a nightmare. One that I can’t hide from, no matter how hard I try too, no matter what I do, all I can think of is you. The pain you give me is unbearable, do you know how much it even hurts… it hurts lots, like a thousand knives stabbing me in the heart, till it’s no longer there, a million little pieces; till it was just scattered, soggy, running, crimson red dusted puddles.
-
“If I was to leave would you really care? If I was to die, would you even notice that I’m missing? No matter what I do, how hard I try; I’m nothing to you; as she is everything you can ever imagine. I want you to live happily, like you always did when I am around. When I was there to help you, this time I’ll no longer be by your side. Supporting you. Cherish her, cherish Tiffany, no matter how I see her, hating me, I know she loves you lots. Forget me; forget our memories together, I’ll not regret meeting you, my best friend, and my first love and in hopes that it are my last. This pain, of jealousy and sadness, how it over whelms me and controls my emotional, I don’t want to face it no more. Farewell. “ I whispered, as here I am in front of their apartment building, the one place I hate to see, to know that the live together; not only dating but living together.
It’s almost time; with a sigh I turned around and walked the other way, away from their home and towards the nearest bus stop, one that leads to my final destination. Just before my new life, my new future is awaiting for me… Maybe this time I can forget you, maybe I can forget everything that has happened between us, just maybe; in hopes of a new future, a new path to take.
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“All airlines to New York City, is now boarding in gateway #18, please make your way to the departing point. I repeat please make your way to the departing point.” A booming voice at the airport spoke. This was it, it’s now or never, time to change my life and forget him, forgetting Park Jaebeom; no I don’t regret this, I was just too blind to not had done this earlier.
“Annyongi kyeseyo, Jaebeom oppa.” I whispered his name for the last time, before I move on – trying to. The pain will leave me soon enough, eventually, I’ll return and by that time; I’ll be ready. Ready to face the facts that you’re only and can only be my best friend.
By the time we meet again, I want to see what I can find, find about myself. My reason of living, my reason of being alive and my own happiness – if I have one, till then I’ll be far – gone. My new beginning, everything shall start once again, once I am there, in America.
“Sorry, may I get though; I go the window seat…” I sweetly spoke to the guy that was somehow in huge shades, and a beanie, it was as if he was in a disguise; trying to hide himself. From something or someone, but I didn’t mind it’s not my business to worry about. Passing though I thanked him and sat down, this is it.
Farewell, Korea.
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