Victoria Jang, she felt like a friend.

Someone true, someone who ate inside the bathroom stall next to mine—someone who walked herself into my life the lonely days you weren't around.

And at first she was really all that. She was an outcast like I was on the first day. A striking one. Scared, frail, alone as well.

But unlike me, she was trying to get around—maybe just a little too much. And it pained me seeing people shrug her off.

If I were to describe her—huwag ka nga lang magseselos ha?

Maganda siya, mahal ko. She was this beauty covered beneath her bushy black hair, her dark sleepless eyes, and her thick clear retainers that made her lips pout whenever she closed . 

I pitied her in an instant, making me reflect on the day we met...

Kaya mo ba ako kinaibigan kasi naawa ka sa akin? But of course it was just a silly thought. Hindi ka gano'n, Jimin. Your intentions have always been pure, innocent and genuine from the start. I just know how much you wanted to be my friend. 

But Vicky?

Talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing...

She wanted to keep me as a friend but not only that...Victoria Jang wanted all of me—all for herself.

She started off as this random girl who approached me on my first day at chess club, "Hi, Winter. Magka-block lang tayo," sabi niya noon, "pansin kong lagi kang mag-isa...maybe I can change that."

Meeting her honestly reminded me of you. Your gentleness, protectiveness, kung paano mo ako alagaan dahil gusto mo lang. And so I let her into my bubble—how everything felt harmless and innocent at the start.

We shared a few laughs together, even made up this silly book club between us back when I was trying hard to read Dostoevsky to impress you while she was reading Sylvia Plath. Naaalala mo ba 'yung kopya ko ng "Bata, Bata... Pa'no Ka Ginawa?" that we annotated together tapos nawala? Well...it was our doing. Hindi ko talaga siya naiwan sa jeep. What happened was, I got mad when she scribbled on some of our notes. How she teased and mocked them, and how personal some of them were that I refused to have her read any further. The next thing we knew, we were pulling on each end of the book until it tore apart. I got mad at her. The following days, she started asking about you—about the two of us at kung ano ang meron sa ating dalawa. 

Out of impulse, I decided to keep my mouth shut, keeping the two of us as my precious little secret.

Because those were the early months of the semester when I would hear your name in every corner of the school. Everyone really liked you, Jimin.

Everyone liked Karina Yu. 

And I don't know if this'll make sense at all but...Karina Yu isn't mine—Jimin Yu is, and none other.

Suddenly, it felt like high school all over again. I was ing back to square one. I know I told you I was doing alright. Na kinakaya ko naman nang wala ka. Obviously, I lied. But can you blame me for not wanting you to think I was the quiet lonely chess kid again? I wanted you to be proud of me. After dad noticed how dependent I was with you, he told me not to be so much, but it was hard. 

It was really, really hard. How I got used to your presence as time went by. Ikaw nga 'yung laging nakabuntot sa akin eh; and for that, I hate you. I hate you for making me get used to you. Tignan mo tuloy nangyari sa akin, hindi na nasanay nang wala ka.

The amount of times I held myself back from crying every time you'd surprise me with a hug whenever I came home to our apartment after my lonely day at school—you'd start off the late afternoon with a "how was your day, Minjeong?" followed by your "mine was really, really great!"

Now, call this toxic or whatever, but it only made me feel miserable seeing you do well without me.

You know, I dreamt about living a life without you once. It was honestly a nightmare. You were doing fine, I was at rock bottom. I cried to my dad and do you know what he said? 

He said, "Anak...panaginip lang 'yon. At ano naman? Kung kaya ni Jimin nang wala ka, alam kong kakayanin mo rin." and until this day, those words haunt me like an endless, narrow, dark and empty hall.

This may sound selfish of me pero parang ayokong kayanin na wala ka. I mean, I know I can, if only I gave my all to try...

But I choose not to be okay without you.