A hand flew at my face jolting me from my slumber in a form far vicious than my alarm clock. Struggling with my bed sheet coiled around my body haphazardly, I searched for the perpetrator, only to find her sleeping peacefully by my side. I had two options: wake her up gently or throw her off the bed.

It was delightful to see her sprawled on the floor rubbing her sore , her mind disorientated. With those glassy eyes, she looked at me in confusion and then scanned the unfamiliar room. “Where am I?” she mumbled, yawning with wide open.

“I would have loved to say hell,” I replied, folding the bed sheets, “But you are somewhere close to it: my room.”

“Oh!” she exclaimed, smiling stupidly still unable to control her drooping eyelids, “I slept with you last night?”

“Frame it a bit differently, will you?” I laughed and pulled out my school uniform from my wardrobe, “and yes, you did and I know you snore.”

She snorted and sat there, slowly drifting away to sleep. I just stood there, saw her head lolling forward, and heard her snoring lightly and chuckled. Well! I was in a good mood so I could let her sleep for a few minutes more.

“!” Jieun shouted as she zipped her skirt and tried to eat her toast at the same time, “You !”

So the few minutes had turned into half an hour because I got busy singing in the shower. Big deal! But looking at a frenzied Jieun snarling and growling at me I forced myself to believe it was a big deal. She was lucky that mother hadn’t heard her swearing otherwise the knife she was using to butter her toast would, most probably, be used as a weapon of threat.

“How could you unnie?” she yelled dramatically, “How could you?”

“You are not late!” I yelled, knowing very well that she was. “And even if you are,” I continued, “I’ll give you my identity card to avoid getting the slip.”

She gulped down her toast at one go and gawked at me. “Really?” she shrieked, “Even you abuse your powers? LOL! I thought only the junior members did! You should have told me this before so that I could have dressed properly. I could have straightened my hair. . .”

I heard her ramble incessantly on the hundred things she could do within the half an hour I had wasted for her and munched on my toast. Last night, I came to know a lot of things and let her know a lot of things. Carefully hidden secrets and forgotten thoughts, all were poured out yesterday. We cried, we laughed, we swore at each other but most importantly, we came closer. We avoided talking about Kai or Sehun because that would have definitely dampened the mood so we just stuck to talking about ourselves, ourselves as individuals, ourselves as sisters.

“Did you know the pink haired girl from gets to school every day?!” Jieun ed, waving her Oreo before my face.

“Don’t lie,” I reprimanded as I picked up my school bag and slung it across my shoulders, “Our school prohibits hair dyeing.”

“I know!” she replied cheerfully picking up her own bag, “I was just checking whether you were paying attention to what I was saying!”

This !

A clatter of crashing plates drew our attention from our silly banter to the situation at hand. I rushed to see what caused the commotion but stopped when I saw my house cleaners supporting a very indolent Kai, on their shoulders. His steps faltered and his eyes closed shut at irregular intervals. I didn’t move when I noticed that his face was sickly pale, his palms had some injury marks or when I felt the strong stench of his alcohol infected breath.

From the side of my eye, I noticed that Jieun had stopped breathing and was gulping noisily. Her jaws were clenched, her stressed veins bulging at . A soft “Kai” escaped from her lips when she saw him stagger at the steps and her foot almost registered a step but she stopped and looked at the ground.

She was going through an internal war. With so much gut, she had said to me last night that she was leaving Kai and here; she was at the brink of tears by just looking at him in a helpless state; on one hand was her promise to me and on the other hand was her love for Kai.

“Tend to him,” I ordered, calling upon God to stop myself from rushing to Kai, “I shall come back and listen to the sequence of events. Also don’t let mother and father know about this.”

I waited. I waited for her to say no, I waited for her to give me the permission to tend to Kai, I waited for her to toss her hair and walk towards the gate ignoring Kai but I was kept waiting. Even before I had finished rapping out my order, she had rushed to Kai cupping his face in her tiny hands and desperately asking him what had happened. Kai had not replied but had given his innocent smile and rested his head on her shoulder.

There was the wall, there were the shut doors, there was the locked gate, and there was my limit. I could not cross over to the other side; I had no role to play in the other side. I did say I had left Kai but I never said I had stopped loving him and with the kind of complicated emotions I was feeling right now, I don’t think I would ever stop loving him.

It was difficult to drag myself from there. I did not want to see them together; they fit so beautifully like two lost puzzle pieces, but I also wanted to make sure Kai was all right. In the end, I made my wretched wall clock my best friend and listened to it as it said it was time to go to school.

The morning incident was nagging at my mind even as I wished a hearty good morning to a random group of students. They jumped in fright as they saw me smiling but managed to wish me back. Before Kai had entered my life, school used to be my stress reliever. Despite all the workload and responsibilities, I found it easy to forget my problems here.

“You!” a voice shouted from across the corridor, “Good Morning!”

I do not know in which, country did people wish each other so commandingly but I was going to return him the gesture nonetheless.

“You!” I mimicked, “Good Morning to you too!”

"Hey! You are not going to get back at me for pouring water on you yesterday?” he asked cautiously as he walked over to meet me. My dear Advisor had loosened up quite a bit around me, and that made my day a little better.

“If the ‘getting back’ includes free lunch, then yes!” I answered in the affirmative much to his dismay. “Fine,” he grumbled, tucking his hand in his trouser pocket, looking for extra money to feed hungry souls.

“Count me in as well!” chirped that energetic voice.

“What are you doing in the senior school building?” I asked, shocked. It was not allowed for junior members to stroll in the building unless of course, they had some strong connections here.

 “Why?” she exclaimed, as if hurt by the question,” Stalking you!”

Gauging by my Advisor's exasperated sigh, she had been doing this for quite some time and it scared me to think of the things she might know.

“Since when?” I asked, feeling lethargic. My shoulders were slumped and my body posture was stooped.

“A few days back,” she replied nonchalantly, “I have told the sunbaes that I am great friends with you!”

“I told you not to!” My Advisor hissed murderously. I did not like this side of him. I liked his shy, embarrassed side to his dominating side.

I ruffled her hair and laughed softly. My ruffling resembled Sehun’s; guess, certain things were embedded in my memory. “It’s all right, both of you,” I said, “We are great friends, after all!”

I thought it would feel awkward saying this. However, it did not. With my Advisor and the girl nodding their heads vigorously, it did not feel awkward; it felt perfect.

“Too popular to pay any attention to me?” came a very sarcastic voice as I reached my class. I could actually feel the bitterness dripping from every syllable.

Sehun had his hair brushed backwards today, exposing his broad forehead. Looking older and intimidating, I felt a wave of guilt crash over me as I saw his hurt eyes and felt his bitter words. So much had been happening that I had completely forgotten about him. No, I had not completely forgotten about him. I had completely forgotten on how to deal with him. This was the first time Sehun was meeting the transformed me. This was I, who was not in love with Sehun, this was I who was trying to suppress her feelings for Kai, this was I with a sister worth dying for, this was I who smiled without a reason and this was the I, who had friends.

“I am sorry,” I mumbled. What else could I say? I knew Sehun was clueless about my feelings for him but I still felt guilty for shifting to Kai from him. More than anything, I felt guilty about the fact that I never did love him. I thought I loved him because he resembled the princes in my stories, I thought I loved him because Jieun seemed to approve of him, and most importantly, I thought I loved him because I thought I couldn’t get him.

And here, I was standing in front of him, devoid of all those feelings. I did not want him as my lover anymore but I wanted to treasure him as my friend. Jieun was right. My feelings for Kai were much stronger than my feelings for Sehun. How do I put it? I chose Sehun because I only had him so technically, I did not choose him per se. But after Kai came in, I saw, for lack of a better term, a variety, a difference. Only then did I choose.

Ugh! I felt so horrible! So confused! I did not know what to hold on to!

“First class is cancelled,” Sehun spoke after a long while, “come with me to the basket ball court.”

I followed him. I did not want to think anymore. I wanted someone else to do the thinking for me.

“You’ve changed” was the first thing he told me the moment we reached the court. It was not congratulation; it was an accusation. An accusation made when something precious is snatched from you.

“I like the change,” I muttered, kicking a stray pebble.

“I don’t!” he shouted, his hands flying. “I don’t, okay!” he asserted, “I don’t like you making new friends or hanging around with that god forbidden pest!”

“Do you hear yourself?” I yelled, my anger reaching its peak. I didn’t know how to make sense of his nonsense! He did not treasure me, so I could not call him selfish but I didn’t have any other word for his obsessive behavior!

“Yes, I do!” he yelled with double the force. I had a feeling the entire school was being audience to the drama. “Apparently, you are falling in love with Kai and making new friends and completely ignoring me! And I am supposed to bear that silently!”

My brows creased and my heart gripped with fear. How did he know about my falling in love?

“I overheard your two friends,” he said coldly, smirking devilishly, “Discussing how you kissed Kai in an amusement park!”

I ran my hand through my hair in frustration as I paced back and forth the length of the court. What were they thinking? Arggh! I thought they were not gossipmongers but then again curiosity was human nature! I muttered some choice vulgarities for them but that was all I could do! Why was Sehun acting so horrible? Shouldn’t he be happy?

“Shouldn’t you be happy?” I voiced my thoughts, “I have fallen in love and I have made new friends so shouldn’t you be happy?”

A tremor ran through his body. He opened his mouth and then snapped it shut. His anger vanished but was replaced by a biting confusion. He was having an internal monologue and clearly, every question he asked led him to a dead end.

“No! I am not happy!” he shouted, his voice lacking the force as earlier, “You promised you won’t leave me.”

It came out as a broken plea. “I am not leaving you Sehunah~,” I cajoled. He shook his head vehemently and pointing his finger at me accused, “You will leave me just like Jieun!”

What was wrong with him? I had never seen him so vulnerable or insecure before. He looked angry but I knew he would burst into tears any moment. He was not a lonely kid. He had tons of friends but he was acting as if I was the sole one.

“Don’t leave me,” he implored, “Please. I swear I’ll be more attentive.” Something did not feel right. The fear of losing a friend was one thing but his obsessive fear was something very different. Either there was something else troubling him or there was a part of the story I was not aware of.

“Sehun, you are scaring me,” I confessed, “I’ll talk to you when you are saner.”

I turned to leave waiting for him to stop me. I knew he would stop, I was very confident about that. Unlike Kai or Jieun, I knew Sehun very well. I had got the chance to observe him from a third person perspective. Yes, there were times when my emotions got severely involved in his analysis but whenever I watched him and only him from afar, it was logical and rational analysis.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” he yelled, his word reverberating in my ear. He had stopped me but that is not how I had expected him to do it. My worst fears were being put to test. I shut my eyes and didn’t turn back, sincerely hoping that the love he was talking about was simply friendly love.

“What happened to your love of nine years?” he yelled again sounding more desperate than ever. I could feel his footsteps coming towards me and as he whirled be my shoulder to demand an answer, my palm met his cheek with a loud smack.

He knew it all along. This jerk knew it all along!

“So did you have fun laughing behind my back for all those nine years?” I yelled, “Must have been entertaining to see a pessimistic girl pining for your love?”

His hair had fallen on his forehead and eyes remained downcast. Despite being much taller than I am, he somehow looked pitiably small and weak. His hands were not clenched into fists but were left loose. His body flinched, as I raised my hand in frustration, in anticipation of another slap.

Truth be told, I had exaggerated my anger. I wanted to feel terrible, broken and angered but somehow I did not feel any of it. It scared me that I was not feeling what I was supposed to feel and that was why I had slapped Sehun hoping that it would instill some prescribed emotion in me. However, I felt nothing. It was as if did not matter. So what if Sehun had made fun of me? So what if he knew that I had loved him. It did not matter anymore!

“Why did you do it?” I asked, composed than earlier, “Why didn’t you tell me that you knew about it?’’

It did not matter anymore but he owed me an explanation.

I heard him mumble something but I didn’t quite catch so I went to closer to him to hear him better.

“You wouldn’t have been with me if I acknowledged that I was aware of your feelings,” he whispered in a raspy voice. From underneath the heavy fringe, escaped a much restrained tear and that was when I realised it mattered. That was when I felt a surge of emotions choking me. He was right. If he had told me that, he was aware of how I felt I would have avoided him for my entire life.

I waited for him to say more. But he just stood there frozen.

“Sehun,” I insisted, “Sit down and tell me the entire thing.”

He shook his head, intimating a stubborn no but thankfully, it was only to the offer for sitting down.

“I-“ he fumbled as if searching for the right words, collecting little pieces of memory and trying to fit one into the other, “I did not forget you from the time we met in the park.”

He ignored me in the party when we had met the second time but now he was saying that he remembered me from the time at the park?!

“Do you remember?” he asked expectantly looking up finally. His eyes were underlined with tears, his nose was red and he looked like the obnoxious kid I had met nine years ago.

“Yes, I do,” I replied, going back in time imagining the young boy who had grown up over the years but remained unchanged otherwise.

“Thank god!” he said with a smile, a smile of relief, a smile of a person whose hopes had just been revived, “I thought I was the only one.”

“I disliked you,” he continued staring at the lonely basket ball net, “I was enthralled by Jieun’s beauty and repulsed by your, forgive me, ugliness. You see all my life I had been hailed as an ulzzang. Everybody kept on appreciating my nose, my jaw, my forehead. This!” he stopped and gestured at his face spitefully, “Was all that mattered to the world and eventually, to me as well.”

“So when I saw you, you clearly didn’t fit the defined description of beauty but Jieun did and I was attracted to her like, bees to honey. But when I went back home that night all I could think of was you, not in high terms of course, I was just mulling over how could two sisters be so different: one so ugly and the other so pretty. The second time I met you, in the party, remember?” He asked, his voice tinged with desperation.

I nodded. I did not have the energy to do anything more.

Again that smile of relief and he continued, “Yes! I saw you before I saw Jieun. No matter how much time I spent with her, my eyes always sought you. I was hoping that you would get jealous that I was paying attention to your sister and none to you but you didn’t . . . you didn’t react. I tried so hard to see you angry; I introduced Jieun to my friends but left you alone, I did not take part in any conversations with you but you remained just a passive observer, a silent spectator. You just didn’t look interested in me!”

I smiled wistfully. Not interested in him? He was the only thing I was interested in!

“I decided to talk to you after Jieun forced me to. And you talked about these real high level stuff! You know the typically ‘you’ things! Books, articles, paintings! I felt like an idiot in front of you! I had said to myself, ‘look at you, you just have a face to be proud of but otherwise you are an empty headed idiot!’ so I had decided to shut up, not listen to you speak but watch at you speak. You were different, you know. Your eyes were shiny, you giggled once or twice and you used many hand gestures to explain your point. When I saw you so happy, I had these sadistic tendencies of seeing you sad! Uggh no! Not that! All I wanted was for you to look at me! Not like an object to be observed but as a man!” he yelled. He was narrating in past tense but something about him made me feel that this desperation was not outdated; it had been carried along to the present.

He paced up and down, massaging his neck with one hand and stuffing the other one in his pocket, “You know when was the first time I realised you were in love with me? Eighth grade. I still remember my classmates telling me how obviously you were in love with me. They made fun of you and I joined in. but do you know how I actually felt? I felt victorious! I felt privileged! I felt invincible! After that day, I started observing you more. You smiled thinking about me, you touched your hair after I ruffled it, you did these little things, which made me feel like a winner! The more I observed you the more grew in me the obsessive need to keep those reactions to myself. That was why once in a while I would pass a comment which would make you feel bad about yourself. I did not want you to turn over a new leaf! Because if you did you would notice that the world had better people than me, you would realise that i am just a superficial human being and then all that I had called mine would become the world’s so I deliberately tried to kill any vivacity you had. I never encouraged your making new friends! I made sure I was the only one you could trust in the entire school!”

“And then came that bloody Kai!” he spat out as if it were a bitter medicine, “That ing bastard spoiled everything for me! He started this metamorphosis in a matter of few hours of entering the school! You smiled more often, you laughed but for none of them were I the reason! I thought I loved Jieun but I realised I did not. I had just used her as a tool to keep your attention focussed on me. As long as I had her, I would have all your attention. When Jieun refused to date me, the first thing that came to me was anger and then insecurity! Jieun was our only connection! If she was lost; maintaining contact with you would become difficult!”

He sounded scary. This was a part of Sehun, which I doubt anyone knew. He sounded obsessive and possessive. He looked unstable.

“I don’t know what I feel for you,” he continued, stopping only inches away from me, his black pearls boring into mine, “but whatever it is, it is strong and no matter what, I am not letting you go.”

“Sehun” my voice came out in a whisper, partly because I was scared and partly because of the intensity of his confession, “Sehun, you have treated me as an object, as a trophy to be won and now that you have realised it is not yours, your ego as been hurt.”

He jerked my shoulders and lifted my chin, a sinister smile pasted on his lips, “You were a trophy I had won but now I want the woman.”

“Sehun, what is wrong with you?” I quivered, “You are not the Sehun I know.”

“Don’t you want to be mine?” he asked lovingly but given the context, his ‘loving’ voice gave me the chills. I didn’t answer. I just closed my eyes and thought about every nice moment I spent with Sehun. I was not willing to believe that the demonic being standing before me was the real Sehun. I squeezed my eyes more as I felt his breath on my lips and his face shadow mine. If he kissed me now I doubted whether I would resist him; it would be better for me to run before he kissed. But I waited and gave him a chance to prove me wrong, to prove that this was not the real Sehun.

I didn’t feel his breath anymore and the glowing sun heated my face. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw a teary eyed Sehun crouched in a corner, a little away from me.

“You were never mine were you?” he sobbed, “I was never your love! You just chose me because I was only option!”

I stood there still reeling from the impact of what had happened. An insecure Sehun was the last thing I could have thought of.

“Please leave,” he whimpered, “Leave before I do something rash again.”

I did not need his warning. I was planning to leave already. I was not Almighty, I did not know the answers to every question, the solution to every problem; I did not know how to help Sehun.

“If it’s not too much to ask,” he called out as I left the court. I stopped, my back turned against him.

“Will you give me another chance?”

I walked off to the building to attend my class.