It’s the way Jinsoul says her name.

Sooyoung knows she’ll never get that feeling from anyone else. 

She’s not dependent on Jinsoul, but if she ever wants to feel this way again. She knows she’ll have to rely on Jinsoul. This girl has ruined her, but Sooyoung can’t seem to be upset about it. Not when it feels more like an awakening than anything.

Sooyoung didn’t think it was possible to feel this good.

If someone were to ask what her definition of perfection was, she’d hold up a picture of Jinsoul. 

Sooyoung told herself she’d never commit to anyone like this again, but god, she hates sleeping alone. And now Jinsoul’s made it to where she’s not going to be able to sleep at all unless she’s there, right in arms reach. Sooyoung told herself, over and over again throughout these years of being alone that she’ll never need anyone. Jinsoul’s made that ideology of hers something of the distant past now, Sooyoung needs Jinsoul, but it isn’t a bad thing. It’s never been bad needing Jinsoul. 

But Jinsoul needing her may be the mistake.

While this is something she’s always wanted. To share herself with someone, especially Jinsoul who walked straight out of a dream, Sooyoung knows she made the mistake. The whole time she and Jinsoul are together, she keeps stealing glances at the door. Afraid that someone will be there, standing with the knife, ready to destroy her all over again. 

It’s just proof what Doyeon said was right. She wasn’t ready for this...not yet. Sooyoung is willing to give up everything for Jinsoul. But it’s not the right time. Sooyoung’s still scared to death. If she can’t love Jinsoul with everything in her at this moment, then it isn’t fair to either of them. Sooyoung’s heart thumps hard, fast, painfully. If Jinsoul needs her, Sooyoung’s not sure she can give it all to her. 

Sooyoung didn’t want to start this, not before she trusted Jinsoul enough to hand her the heart she’s so protective over. When she didn’t have to worry about a single thing, when she knew for sure she wouldn’t hurt Jinsoul, and the girl would never abandon her. No matter what they may become after all this.

She didn’t want to start this, when Jinsoul’s given her everything and Sooyoung can’t give it all back. What if Jinsoul sees that it’s unfair. What if she wants everything after this and when she doesn’t get it she leaves. Sooyoung’s insecurity convinces her, but the reasoning is unclear. Jinsoul’s selfless, she’d never be that way towards her. But there’s that other thing...that doesn’t seem so unreasonable. 

What if Jinsoul thinks that she just wanted only this. 

She’s never been loved like this before. She’s never been ed like this. It’s never been this intimate. It’s never meant more than just the physical touch. She needed Jinsoul to hold her more than she needed to finish. Sooyoung doesn’t know if Jinsoul understands that.

Sooyoung needs Jinsoul to understand it’s not just , but her chest is becoming tighter and even Jinsoul’s touch is suffocating her. She doesn’t want to be afraid. But Sooyoung is so scared of so many things.

She can’t risk this.

Not so early on. She can’t risk losing Jinsoul because she couldn’t fight the temptation. When Jinsoul was so impossible to say no to. Sooyoung didn’t want to do this so soon. She wanted to show the girl how much she cares for her before this intimacy began. She wanted to feel completely safe with Jinsoul. 

Jinsoul was just too hard to resist though. When she opened the door Sooyoung knew she was screwed. It’s the way Jinsoul says her name.

Her name belongs to Jinsoul.

And Sooyoung wants to belong to her. God, she thinks she loves this girl. But she knows she doesn’t trust her. So many things could happen still.

When the high comes down for the seventh time, Sooyoung pants into the crook of Jinsoul’s neck, wishing that this was simple. Wishing it was just as simple as Jinsoul’s laugh at the moment, “hey, babe, you still there?” 

Sooyoung raises up, refuses to look into her eyes, because she doesn’t want to tell the truth. And she knows if she met Jinsoul’s affectionate gaze, she’d spill her guts out. How scared she is of this. How it isn’t fair, how Jinsoul’s the best she’s ever had. No one else will ever compare and Sooyoung knows it.

How much she means to her.

It wasn’t just for Sooyoung.

She drags her palm down Jinsoul’s sweaty body, dripping and glowing in the slightest bit of light coming from her kitchen. Finger tips twitch when muscles do and Sooyoung sharply inhales when she rubs one of Jinsoul’s hips, she never wants to let go of this. 

Jinsoul is...Sooyoung stares down at the blonde, avoiding her eyes. She’s so beautiful, Sooyoung can hardly stand it. She wants to worship Jinsoul all over again, to never stop. She counts the marks on the girl’s skin. Jinsoul’s hers. 

That thought shouldn’t feel right, but any other way would be wrong.

Her hand slides back up the curve of Jinsoul’s waist, squeezing every inch. Jinsoul arches and Sooyoung presses into the ribcage that becomes visible when the girl below deeply inhales. Her hand crawls further up, her palm fills up with the swell of Jinsoul’s , Sooyoung bites her lip to resist squeezing there as well, and finally her hand sits steadily on the girl’s chest.

Jinsoul’s heart is pumping hard, and rapidly. 

Jinsoul’s hers.

This girl has willingly become hers.

But...she isn’t Jinsoul’s.

No matter how much she wants to be.

~~~~

with Sooyoung was awkward and a bit clumsy. Both of them were too eager to please. But despite all the fumbling around, cursing whenever things weren’t as y as it was planned to be. When a groan turned into a whine or if something made Jinsoul laugh. It was still amazing. Very, very amazing. 

Jinsoul feels little dumb. Since having with girls was this great, she doesn’t know why she didn’t try it sooner. Honesty, she wishes she did, because her inexperience was embarrassing at times. Like when Sooyoung had to tell her three times where her fingers had to go and which ones to use. Jinsoul felt a little frustrated but when they went to the right place, she moaned louder than Sooyoung did. 

It was fun, then serious. At first it was them just ing, Sooyoung would laugh too. It felt incredibly nice when the two of them took the time to explore and learn each other’s bodies. The clumsiness made Jinsoul more comfortable. But then it got more...intense, desperate. And Jinsoul would be lying if she said it didn’t scare her when she was looking straight into Sooyoung eyes a few times.

Sooyoung looked at her as if she was everything.

She’s never felt so vulnerable before. Jinsoul likes to be three steps ahead of everyone to have a plan for anything that may happen. But Sooyoung had stripped more than just her clothes. It was like she was seeing everything that Jinsoul was, and has been. She hadn’t had time to prepare. She wasn’t ready for something like this. Sooyoung was seeing her before she could guard herself, or hide away. It was all out in the open.

After that it became desperate, uncontrollable, more passionate than anything Jinsoul’s ever done. There were a bit too many emotions, more than what Jinsoul wanted there to be. But they were there, and they were suffocating. 

She thinks she likes Sooyoung a lot more than she puts on.

And Jinsoul thinks that’s the same case for Sooyoung.

Jinsoul knows she’s hot, but Sooyoung well...Sooyoung seems to think she’s more than that. Sooyoung wouldn’t stop kissing her. Wouldn’t stop touching her. Wouldn’t stop whispering her name in praise. Sure, she’s had guys worship her in bed before. But this was something new.

It made her feel self-conscious. 

Because she really didn’t think she was that amazing.

Sooyoung thinks differently.

Exhaustion comes after the high. Jinsoul smiles tiredly, spent from more than just the physical part. She feels like her emotions have run a marathon too. Sooyoung was onto something when she said simple wins over complicated.

has always been fun for Jinsoul.

While this was fun, it turned into something more, beyond Jinsoul’s reason or explanation.

She’s scared, but she embraces the fear like a shot of adrenaline. Sooyoung is whispering sweet things to her and Jinsoul isn’t entirely sure if she’s supposed to be hearing them. If Sooyoung even realizes she’s saying them out loud. 

Her hand soothes through Sooyoung’s sweaty, black hair. Her nails scratch at the base of the girl’s neck. Their legs are tangled into each other and Jinsoul likes the way their bodies fit together. 

Sooyoung must understand that this is meant to be. She has to.

That they’re meant to belong to each other.

But the girl raises up and avoids her gaze. Sooyoung doesn’t dare to look in her eyes, Jinsoul tries to tilt her head side to side, up and down. Sooyoung makes an effort to keep her stare miles away from Jinsoul’s.

Jinsoul breathes in and out, slow and shaky as Sooyoung claims her body again. Her grip is possessive and timid at the same time. As if she’s doing this one last time before she stops. Jinsoul doesn’t understand really. She’s too scared to speak, she just wants Sooyoung to look at her before she does.

She’ll tell her this is the best she’s ever felt, and she wants to know if Sooyoung thinks the same. She wants to know if Sooyoung’s heart is beating as fast as hers. 

Sooyoung stands up and turns away. Jinsoul panics and grabs her wrist. Sooyoung shakes it off and walks away, turning the kitchen light off before she disappears into the hallway. Jinsoul sits halfway up on the couch now shivering from the loss of warmth. Sooyoung was her only source. “What the actual ?” Jinsoul grumbles out.

She...thinks she should maybe go after Sooyoung? But the expression on the girl’s face was cold, standoffish before she left.

Distant.

One moment, Jinsoul’s never felt so close to someone else. 

The next, it’s like they never did what they just did. 

Hours of intimacy, hours of…, turns impersonal just like that. Is Jinsoul not seeing this right? Is this how Sooyoung sleeps with other girls? Like she needed them, full of desire and want. Only to withdraw from them like they don’t mean anything to her. Like this didn’t mean anything at all to her like it did to Jinsoul.  

Does Sooyoung not care?

Was this all a part of the plan, to act as if she did and then switch the mood once she gets what she wants. Jinsoul shakes her head of the negative thoughts. She knows Sooyoung, and she knows she isn’t like this. Sooyoung wouldn’t betray her like that. Wouldn’t play her heart like this. 

Although that’s all she’s been warned about. 

Is something like this.

I’m not a game to Sooyoung.

Jinsoul broke the deal.

You can’t get mad if I can’t give you what you want.

, Jinsoul had forgotten how cunning Sooyoung was, how good she was at tearing into girl’s hearts with false charm. , no it couldn’t be like this. Jinsoul refuses to acknowledge the possibility she’s being played. Sooyoung wasn’t that person. But...this is...so what if she wanted to like, cuddle or go to sleep or whatever. Now she just felt awkward and unwelcomed. 

Maybe this really is all Sooyoung wanted.

Maybe that’s why she was warned, Sooyoung knew she would want more and that’s why she’s been so serious about rejecting her. Sooyoung after all didn’t want to hurt her and this was the one thing that would. Jinsoul didn’t fall into Sooyoung’s trap, she willingly walked into it. 

She made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.

Jinsoul has always been three steps ahead of everyone. Sooyoung’s beyond what she can reach. She starts to question everything, just how far Sooyoung would go to deceive her, if after all this has been one long, strenuous game. If Sooyoung has been playing her cards right all this time. Jinsoul starts to doubt herself and...it .

Should she chase after her? What if she’s told to go away, what if Sooyoung rejects her even now. Jinsoul is too afraid to take that chance. Too afraid that all these fears will come true. That Sooyoung really doesn’t want this afterall, that she doesn’t want Jinsoul. 

Wiping a few tears away she grabs some of her clothes, still damp from the rain. She grabs Sooyoung’s clothes instead. The tank top and pajama bottoms and she grabs a warm coat on Sooyoung’s door hanger and walks away. She walks away from what she left in that apartment. A ton of emotions, feelings, that she’s not sure if she wanted to give away, regretting it now. And maybe half her heart.

It’s okay, Sooyoung can have it.

She deserves it.

~~~~

Sooyoung takes a few calming breaths, she needs to tell Jinsoul. Only a moment alone to collect herself. She knows Jinsoul will come after her. But...she doesn’t. Jinsoul isn’t here yet when Sooyoung thinks she’s ready to tell the truth. She doesn’t think I want her to leave does she? 

She hears her front door open and it feels like her chest is being ripped open. She brings her fingers to and bites down on her thump, hard enough to bring the blood. Sooyoung messed this up. 

Don’t leave.

Please don’t leave.

The door slams shut and Sooyoung bites her thumb harder. Her other hand clutches at her stomach where her scar is. It was too much.

She hurt Jinsoul by doing that. 

Walking away as if she was nothing, when she is everything.

~~~~

Her house is dark and empty. Jinsoul wraps Sooyoung’s coat around her tighter. It smells of her and well, Jinsoul doesn’t really want to think about how it makes her feel.

Fixing a piece of toast, Jinsoul thinks of everything but Sooyoung. Forces herself to. Suddenly the kitchen light turns on and Jinsoul turns to find her mother staring at her.

The older woman rubs her face sleepily, hair rollers about to slip out of her head. “Sweetie, it’s late are you okay?”

Jinsoul puts a smile on her face, “yeah mom.” 

Her mom shuffles toward hers, concern laced in her features. Jinsoul leans into one of the palms that cradles her cheeks. “Soul, you’re crying.” Jinsoul blinks and she feels the tears for the first time, hot, rolling down her cheek.

They’re not the first ones though.

She’s been crying this whole time.

“It’s okay I promise.”

It’ll be fine, Jinsoul tells herself. She’s tough. She can handle a few tears.

~~~~

Jinsoul asks herself the same question for the thousandth time. Is Ha Sooyoung playing her?

The first answer is yes. Sooyoung is playing her like a fool, probably laughing at how naive she is. That all of this time they’ve spent together has been an articulate game of how much I can make this girl like me and then crumble her entire world. She was...tricked. So well that she thought that maybe, just maybe that she was the one tricking Sooyoung into falling for her. Jinsoul’s been outplayed when she thought she was winning this game this entire time.

Except...that really isn’t the case. So the correct answer to that question was a big fat no. The more Jinsoul thinks about it. The more she realizes that Sooyoung’s never played her. Never had the intentions of doing so, her warnings were true. That she would hurt her. That they shouldn’t do this because it would get complicated.

And just what did Sooyoung mean when she said complicated? Jinsoul didn’t ever understand, but she knows now. She wants it all, but Sooyoung...didn’t. 

It was just for her. 

That’s why Jinsoul’s been rejected over and over again. Sooyoung saw her as a friend only, but had a strong attraction towards her. It just makes so much sense. Sooyoung knew that she had feelings but was trying to protect her.

Jinsoul wonders if this happened to all the other girls.

She wonders if the monster they said Sooyoung was, wasn’t one at all. Just a misunderstood girl who doesn’t want to be loved, but ends up being loved anyways and is told she’s bad for not loving them back. Sooyoung wasn’t a monster. She warned Jinsoul, Sooyoung clearly cares about her to be so considerant, even though she knows Sooyoung desires her. Wants her more than anything. Cried at the thought of Jinsoul abandoning her. Pleaded with her to not get angry.

That’s what the deal was about, and although Jinsoul thought the rules and agreement between them was stupid. She understands it now. It was Sooyoung’s way of resisting her. 

Sooyoung sacrificed that desire in order not to hurt her.

Jinsoul went and ed that up. 

If Sooyoung was playing her she’s sure Sooyoung would have ed her a long time ago. She’s sure she probably wouldn’t even still be thinking of Sooyoung. They would have been strangers again by now.

It’s been a week since they’ve talked. She wonders if Sooyoung is thinking of her. Who is she kidding, Sooyoung’s probably freaking out right now. Thinking Jinsoul was done with her. Wanting nothing to do with her anymore. Jinsoul wasn’t done, she was just...hurt. 

She can’t help it really. 

And all her friends make it worse. They look at her like she’s some pitiful lovesick fool, and so what if she is! Jinsoul really ing likes Sooyoung and she didn’t want Sooyoung’s feelings for her to be just physical. 

Telling them all had been about as awkward than when Sooyoung had blew her off after the...Yoojung had gasped and congratulated her until she saw Jinsoul was bawling her eyes out. Doyeon had cursed about something that Jinsoul hadn’t understood. 

Xiaojun is indifferent, not really excited...nor disappointed. But more concerned than anything. He asked if it was good at least, seemingly reading Jinsoul’s mood. She only tells him yes, it was really good.

Jungeun well...she wasn’t planned. Jinsoul had simply let it slip, her blonde counterpart only hummed, a bit surprised before seeing the sunken expression on Jinsoul’s face.

Jiwoo was probably the worst. When Jinsoul told her, the girl only smiled sadly at her. As if understood every little emotion running through her veins. Jinsoul wouldn’t doubt if she did. Jinsoul didn’t bother asking what it was like for Jiwoo, it didn’t matter. 

Jiwoo knew exactly what her heart was going through right now.

Jinsoul needs time to heal and everyone worrying about her isn’t helpful. She’s strong. She said she wouldn’t let this exact situation affect her if it happened. But damn is Jinsoul having a time right now. She wonders if Sooyoung misses her as much as she does.

Pouting up, Jinsoul begins to cry. She wishes Sooyoung liked her more. Wishes she could have gotten Sooyoung to fall for her. But she won’t force it on the girl and make her push her way more. Jinsoul thinks that she may back off for now and wait for Sooyoung to come around again.

She only hopes it’s soon.

Her chest feels empty without her heart.

The one that now belongs to Sooyoung.

~~~~

Sooyoung eyes are burning from the computer screen, she’s been working almost twelve hours a day just to get ahead on this game development, sometimes she doesn’t even leave the office until it’s dark out.

Her boss is of course happy. Some of her team is worried. Jennie’s called. Jinsoul hasn't.

Sooyoung honestly doesn’t know what to do. She knows she’s hurt Jinsoul, the blonde probably thought Sooyoung was avoiding her because she didn’t want to see her anymore.

Jinsoul probably believes she’s been played.

And old Sooyoung would be delighted with that. The old Sooyoung would have gotten what she wanted and be happy that Jinsoul was hurt enough to not come crawling back, that she didn’t have to deal with her anymore. 

New Sooyoung is, well she feels like total right now. Because this is the exact opposite of what she wanted. Yeah, she hates when girls want something more, make it more than what it is. But...it is more with Jinsoul. She wants the blonde to come crawling back. 

She never wanted to hurt Jinsoul.

Jinsoul doesn’t deserve this. To feel like she’s been manipulated, or messed around with. Jinsoul’s not the girl to be fooled.

Sooyoung likes to think Jinsoul’s pissed at her. She hopes so.

She hopes Jinsoul isn’t done with her. But that’s the kind of girl Jinsoul is, she isn’t one for games. She doesn’t like bull and that’s exactly what Sooyoung has been playing at. Sooyoung knows she should tell her the truth sometime before Jinsoul decides to forget about her. To move on since Sooyoung’s starting to become a person that isn’t worth putting the time in for.

Sooyoung wants to beg for Jinsoul’s time, all of it. 

Because Jinsoul is starting to scare her.

She’s starting to fall for her.

Rubbing at her tired eyes she looks at the screen again. Her office is a mess. There’s notes on top of notes on her desk. Countless codes and patterns that she has to enter and memorize. She’s tired and she just wants to go home and sleep. 

Sooyoung snorts.

Like she’ll get any, as if she won’t think about Jinsoul the whole time.

And although she should be mad that this girl has found a way to worm herself inside her heart. Sooyoung isn’t at all.

She’s glad it’s Jinsoul finally turning her world upside down.

Picking up her phone, she dials a number. It doesn’t ring too long until a chirpy voice answers, “hello? Oh shut up Jinho! I’m on the phone!” Sooyoung smiles a bit, it seemed like Jinsoul took after her mother.

“Hi, it’s um Ha Sooyoung I don’t know...if you remember me or not but I was hoping Jinsoul was there?” 

The line is silent for a few seconds but then the woman’s voice pierces the speaker again, making Sooyoung hold it from her ear. “Of course I remember you! You’re her very special friend, noo I’m afraid my little Soul isn’t in right now. She’s out playing that D&D with her friends! Strange game ya know? Do you…”

Sooyoung was sad at first that Jinsoul wasn’t home, but now she can’t help but smile. Jinsoul’s mom was talking her ear off, all she could think about Jinsoul getting embarrassed by being called little soul while out being a total dweeb.

She’d pay to watch Jinsoul play that, and she’d pay double if she could the whole time too. Sooyoung can just imagine how much of a dork the blonde is. How invested she gets into it, her determined frown, her little nose scrunched up in focus. Her eyes sparkling whenever she gets a critical hit. Jinsoul probably wears her glasses and comfy clothes, her hair in a messy ponytail. Yelling every time the game master is a and god…

Sooyoung is so in love with her.

“Um.”

“And I said you can’t fit that in there! Oh I’m sorry Sooyoung I must have been talking your ear off are you busy?”

Sooyoung wipes the sweat off her brow, “no no I was just thinking about something.” 

“Oh! Well anyways-“

“Is Jinsoul okay?”

She feels incredibly rude for cutting Mrs. Jung off. But she needs to know. Sooyoung feels like she’s going crazy without knowing if Jinsoul is okay or not.

“I think so, she’s been sad recently but don’t say anything. She gets really mad when people worry about her! 

Sooyoung wants to slap herself, “I see, I was just checking.” The line goes silent and Sooyoung tries to think of what to say next. “Soooo it couldn’t fit?” 

Mrs. Jung goes off again.

“Yes!”

~~~~

Everyone’s looking at her. Jinsoul can’t stand it. “For the love of god what! What is it you freaks?!” They all stare back down at their character sheets and Jinsoul rolls her eyes. 

Hyunmin clears his throat, “it’s your turn.” Jinsoul grabs the dice a bit forcibly from Xiaojun’s hands and tosses it down. A seven. God that’s a miss and Jinsoul’s character is going to die. “A seven wow! A critical hit...the thief is now close to dying.” Jinsoul glares at Hyunmin who looks incredibly nervous.

Jinsoul feels like the freak now.

“I’m done, you’re all being weird.” Jinsoul bumps the table as she gets up, throwing down her special, lucky pencil that always helps her survive during a hard session. 

As she’s walking out of the room Haseul calls out, “we’re just worried Jinsoul!” She turns and sees Haseul, in that stupid wizard hat. “We’re worried.” Hyunmin nods and Hyelin frowns at her. Her safe spaces are dwindling down, she can’t go to the arcade without thinking of Sooyoung. In her room her mom constantly checks on her and now she can’t even be a loser and enjoy a game of D&D, which by the way was going great for her because everyone was feeling sorry for her and letting her by with just about anything.

Jinsoul storms out, anger seeping into every surface. She’s been keeping herself numb these past two weeks. This must be her breaking point. They act like she’s dying. But...but. 

It’s not like this hurts more than anything else has in her entire life.

Grabbing her bags and saying goodbye to Xiaojun’s sisters, she heads out onto the chill streets. The magic of summer has gone. Now Jinsoul is left with a bitter cold that reminds her too much of Sooyoung’s attitude. 

She misses the warmth of Sooyoung’s smile.

Jinsoul guesses that it has faded along with summer as well.

“Soul, stop, you’re walking too damn fast.” Jinsoul slows, hearing the voice of Xiaojun, a bit out of breath. “What is wrong with you?”

Facing him, Jinsoul is quick to get whatever weight off her chest, “oh I don’t know everything?” She lifts her arms and drops them back down. Jinsoul’s confused, frustrated, she just wants to cry alone in her bedroom until it all goes away. She shivers a bit, and wraps her arms around her body in an effort to keep warm. “How everyone’s worried about me, it’s annoying.” 

Xiaojun frowns at her, “Jinsoul, you haven’t been yourself.”

“Oh bull.” Jinsoul groans, rolling her eyes at the accusation. “You’re just saying that because you think I’m heartbroken.” Jinsoul refuses to admit it. Not that she’s heartbroken, but to admit it’s affecting her this much. “Well, I’m not. I’m not weak, so stop acting like it.”

“It’s okay to be weak, Soul, it’s okay to feel this way.” It’s something Jinsoul hates hearing. Because it isn’t okay, none of this is okay. For her to be weak means that she isn’t as strong as she says she is. That she couldn’t handle it, the heartbreak everyone was warning her about. The heartbreak that she said wouldn’t hurt her or even phase her. Jinsoul hates being wrong, but even more she hates feeling helpless.

Shaking her head, she argues, “I can take care of myself Xiaojun, it’s not like I can’t live without her or anything.” Xiaojun gives her a small smile at the little slip. She could have made up anything for her reasons to be upset, but now he knows it’s about Sooyoung. Jinsoul isn’t lost, she’s not one of those people who gets dumped and doesn't know what to do with themselves.

Because that would mean she needs Sooyoung.

And she doesn’t

She only needs herself.

Blinking, Jinsoul lets out a pitiful whine when she realizes she’s crying. She harshly wipes the tears away. Jinsoul feels pathetic and out of touch with herself. This type of thing shouldn’t bother her like this. Old Jinsoul would have already moved on. But new Jinsoul understands that she doesn’t want to give up on this. That she doesn’t want to leave Sooyoung even when the girl has been a total to her. She made her promise. Jinsoul loves Sooyoung so much she’ll settle for being her friend. Jinsoul cares about Sooyoung so much she doesn’t want to hurt the girl the same way the girl has hurt her.

Jinsoul is pathetic, because maybe, just maybe. She thought she would be the one that Sooyoung finally likes. Maybe she thought it would be different.

Old Jinsoul would have been so pissed off. 

This was exactly the thing she said she wouldn’t do. The exact person she said she wouldn’t fall for. 

She’s trapped right under Ha Sooyoung’s spell.

“Jinsoul.”

Looking up at the sky her voice breaks, “okay, maybe it does hurt.” She admits, “it hurts so ing much.” Jinsoul drops her head back down, shaking it as she wipes away tears again, “and I hate how much I’m letting it get to me, I hate how it’s eating at me constantly. I promised to myself and everyone, I even promised her I wouldn’t be like this.” 

It isn’t like Jinsoul to be troubled by something this much. She hates how it consumes every part of her. She should have been fine by now but it’s only getting worse.

Xiaojun goes to comfort her but Jinsoul holds a hand up, begging him not to touch her or she may break. “I mean look at me Xiaojun,” Jinsoul’s a mess. “And I feel like an idiot because I told everyone I’d be fine if it happened and well it happened! And now...” Smiling at Xiaojun he doesn’t mirror it, because Jinsoul isn’t fine. But she accepts it as it is. She promised herself she’d be okay and she isn’t. 

There’s nothing she can do about her own mistakes. She’s the one that gave her heart to Sooyoung and didn’t ask if she wanted it. “I thought it would be different, you know, I thought it would mean a little bit more to Sooyoung that we had . But I don’t know, she hasn’t spoken to me in like three weeks, I guess that’s my answer huh.” 

Jinsoul’s always been strong, independent. Letting no one control her spirit or life. But it feels like Sooyoung’s got her on a little thin string. Jinsoul’s not sure if she wants that string to be pulled on or snipped. God she doesn’t know.“I miss her so much. That stupid jerk, why does she have to be so dreamy! And sweet...and funny and...”

“If you don’t go talk to her! This is all probably in your head.” 

Jinsoul pouts up, “what if she doesn’t want to? What if she’s grossed out by how much I like her!” 

Xiaojun rolls his eyes and shakes his head, “Jinsoul do you have any idea, that girl adores you. She literally follows you around like a lost puppy. Are you sure that she even wanted you to leave?” Jinsoul nods her head, absolutely positive her assumption about Sooyoung was correct. He frowns, reluctantly agreeing with her.

Sooyoung wasn’t a bad person. Jinsoul thinks she’s amazing. It's just...Sooyoung doesn’t want her in the way Jinsoul wants to be wanted.She finally allows Xiaojun to hug her, Jinsoul melts in the embrace. “Xiaojun, am I making this out to be a big deal?” He shakes his head no. 

“I mean you are dramatic, I’m the most, but you sit comfortably in second place.” He leans back and brushes back some of her baby hairs, “Honestly, you’re handling it pretty well, love is very scary.” Jinsoul blinks, she remembers Sooyoung being scared. 

Wait. 

“Say that again.” 

“Which part? That we’re both drama queens?”

“No, the part about love.”

“Oh, well it’s scary.” 

Jinsoul stares at him and then kisses him on the head, “god you’re a genius.” Xiaojun raises one brow as Jinsoul starts to strut off. She needed to stop thinking only about herself for once. 

“Where are you going!”

Turning and walking backwards she doesn’t bother answering and Xiaojun is left scratching his head for an explanation. 

~~~~

On her walk home, Jinsoul’s concluded that she had the whole story about Sooyoung wrong. Sooyoung’s is just a soft-hearted dork. She’s just guarded. Jinsoul feels like an because it was more than likely that Sooyoung was sulking right now, thinking that she was the only one heartbroken.

Sooyoung likes her, but she’s a . That has to be it. 

Jinsoul must have scared her to death that night. Maybe she wasn’t even ready, that’s why she had rejected her the first time, hell all the time. Jinsoul’s a terrible listener. Her heart must have been pumping so loudly it drowned the rest of the noises out.

Love is scary. Jinsoul remembers explicitly when Sooyoung admitted why they’re not already dating is that fact that she’s scared. Jinsoul has broken a few promises.

And yes, maybe Jinsoul was hurt. Pissed off, confused even. She let it cloud her reasonable thoughts. Since things did not go the way Jinsoul fantasized them to be, she reduced it all to the worst thing imaginable. 

Jinsoul was really bad with compromises. Sooyoung has never acted the way Jinsoul imagines it, so she always assumes the worst case scenario. That Sooyoung is an arrogant (this holds some truth), that she may hate her, (this may be true now), and that she only wanted . (Okay, maybe not so true.)

It’s been like this day one. 

Sooyoung is unpredictable and still so hard to read. So Jinsoul assumes the worst, or at least, the bad stuff that everyone’s warned her about. But she knows Sooyoung. She knows the dork likes her. Sooyoung only pretends she doesn’t.  

Jinsoul’s seen Sooyoung vulnerable. There has never been anything fake about that, honesty in her eyes. So Jinsoul is making her compromise. Sooyoung likes her. She always has. It’s just...Sooyoung is bad at liking someone.

Making it home, Jinsoul hurrys in. Kicking off her sneakers and hanging her coat up on the hanger. “Hey sweetie how did your dragon game go?” 

“Umm it went good!” Her mom comes strutting through the kitchen, Jinsoul can smell the food flowing through the hallway. 

Her mom pinches her cheek, squeezing it hard, “I missed my little nerd.” Jinsoul grimaces at the affection. She thinks her mother is done torturing but really. She just wants to see Jinsoul die, “oh Soul, by the way a friend called.”

Jinsoul’s blood freezes. Yoojung and Doyeon were out of town and Xiaojun...well it could have been him or Jiwoo or anyone or… “Oh, who?”

“Sooyoung, I like her a lot, she’s a good listener. I could have talked all night, I even invited her to dinner but she declined, ugh will you change her mind or something?” 

All while her mom speaks, a stupid- eating grin starts to grow on Jinsoul’s face. “Yeah? What did she say?”

Her mom eyes her suspiciously. “She was asking about you...a lot. I think sommmebody has a crush on you.” Jinsoul blushes as her mom pokes at her face.

Jinsoul is quick to deny it even though her mood has totally flipped from what it was an hour ago. When she thought the world was ending, maybe she was dramatic. “She doesn’t trust me, I would know.” Jinsoul doesn’t even give the chance for her mom to say anything back before she’s racing up the stairs into her all pink room. 

Grabbing her phone she sits it on the bed and picks it up, twirling her finger around the cord as she dials a number she’s memorized. 

It rings, two...three times. And. 

“What the are you playing at?” Jinsoul says as soon as the dial tone disappears. She’s met with silence. Jinsoul clenches at the phone, butterflies are racing in her tummy. She’s such an idiot for not realizing this sooner.

“ I missed you.”

The sound of her voice is enough to melt Jinsoul into a puddle. She realizes, as her worries start to fade, that all that she felt was fear. The reason she didn’t follow after Sooyoung, refusing to think about any of it, avoiding everything that could hurt her.

Jinsoul was placed back into her younger self. Seeking out acceptance and approval of the people she admired, and of course when she was ignored it left a deep pit inside her chest. That was before she changed, before she decided she needed no one to like her. 

She realizes the only reason she’s hurting now is because she thought Sooyoung was denying her. Jinsoul wants Sooyoung’s approval for god only knows why. And Jinsoul is so afraid of being rejected again she avoided the situation that it could happen.

That night she could have followed Sooyoung into her bedroom, but she didn’t want to hear the words, go home. She’d rather been tortured without knowing at all how Sooyoung felt. But even now, Jinsoul isn’t strong enough to handle that, she wants to know the truth.

She thinks that maybe. Her reasons for being afraid are wrong. That she needs to prove to herself again, that she is strong. Not weak, that all her friends now think she is.

Still...

“You’re a jerk you know that right.” Jinsoul says after the second silence. She wonders if Sooyoung is holding her breath like she is. “You’re the meanest, most stupidest jerk ever.” 

The deep sigh Sooyoung lets out, leads Jinsoul to believe in it. “I love it when you talk to me like that.” It’s timid, Sooyoung’s voice. But full of something...eager. Like she’s been waiting for this moment all along.

“Oh god will you shut up.” There’s a small chuckle on the other line and Jinsoul rolls her eyes at the breathiness of it.

“Just like that. Do you have any idea what it does to me?” Sooyoung tells her, wrapping every little word in that silky tone that sends goosebumps down Jinsoul’s spine. “Don’t stop baby you sounded so good.” Sooyoung asks quietly and Jinsoul doesn’t think she could if she even tried.

at her top lip she thinks of what she wants to say next. There’s only one thing that sounds right, “I missed you too, probably too much.” Jinsoul twists her fingers into the fabric of her jacket. Nobody knows that it’s Sooyoung’s jacket from the night Jinsoul dipped from her apartment. Jinsoul would die if anyone knew this jacket wasn’t hers. “All my friends think I’m heartbroken because of you.” Jinsoul shifts her jaw, the tinge of pain still there but softened from the sound of Sooyoung’s voice.

“Are you?” 

“No are you kidding? Why would I be sad over a loser like you?” Jinsoul defends herself even though there’s no point. The only thing keeping Sooyoung from knowing the truth is that they’re not facing each other. 

“Jinsoul.”

She loves it, how right her name sounds on Sooyoung’s tongue.

“It’s not like it meant anything.” The one thing she’s been hiding from, she puts it out in the open. For the both of them to face. Jinsoul doesn’t want to pretend that it didn’t happen anymore, doesn’t want to avoid talking about it just because Sooyoung’s answer might not be the one she wants. They need to talk about this.

Even if it ends anything that’s between them.

“We both know it meant something, stop lying.” 

“Don’t you dare.” Jinsoul gasps, she was such an idiot for assuming that Sooyoung didn’t want this as much as she did.

“It meant everything to me. I know it did for you too.” It’s all Jinsoul wanted. Were those words. Her hands are shaking and all she’s thinking about is how much she wishes Sooyoung was here right now. Just so she could see if Sooyoung was being honest with her.

“Bull.”

All she has is words.

They’re almost not enough.

“Try me.”

“You don’t like me like that.”

“Do you not want me to?”

“I don’t want you to lie about it.”

“I’m not lying. My god, Jinsoul do you have any idea? I couldn’t lie about this even if I practiced over and over again, I like you so ing much.”

“Bull Sooyoung.” Jinsoul croaks out and shuffles to her bed, her knees becoming too shaky. Jinsoul knows weakness shouldn’t feel this good. With her vulnerability being embraced by Sooyoung’s promises, she shouldn’t trust this girl. But she does. She believes in every little thing that Sooyoung says and does. That’s why she doesn’t want her to lie.

It would destroy Jinsoul.

“Why would I lie about that baby?” Sooyoung asks, “I can’t stop thinking about it.” The girl on the other line lets out a strained laugh, like it was unbelievable, the way Jinsoul was acting. As if Jinsoul wasn’t everything to her. “About you and that smart mouth of yours.”

It’s silent then. It’s so quiet and Jinsoul hates it. She wants her head to be full of Sooyoung’s words, of her voice, of the thought of her. She just wants everything to be Sooyoung. 

“God, I don’t want you out of my head.” 

Jinsoul smiles, because there’s no way Sooyoung is denying her. No matter the way she wants her, Sooyoung isn’t denying her. 

“Are you playing me Ha Sooyoung?” She says it playfully, loving the way Sooyoung scoffs on the other line. Laying back onto her bed she sinks into it, wanting to get comfortable since she feels like she’s gonna be here a long time.

Sooyoung answers with an equally joking tone, “baby you have no idea,” Jinsoul rolls her eyes and can just imagine the arrogant smirk on the girl’s face. “Yes I’m playing you, I actually called to tell you to lose my number.”

“Hey!”

“No Jinsoul, if I was, we would have been done a long time ago. I...like to end things when feelings get involved.” Sooyoung explains, “I think maybe at the party is when I would have, I might have taken you home then, but…”

Jinsoul feels the pressure on her chest. “When did you change your mind? About me…” About us? Is the real question that lies on the tip of Jinsoul’s tongue. 

“I think from the beginning I’ve had my mind made up about you.” Suddenly her voice is lower, a whisper that crawls all over Jinsoul. “I keep thinking about it.”

“Do you think about it, Jinsoul?” 

God of course she thinks about it. She still can’t believe it even happened. It almost feels like a dream, some fantasy that she’s thought so much about it’s become real. But it was real, every second of that night was real. 

Nodding her head. Jinsoul can feel the lump growing in . “Everynight.” Smiling, she can’t help but ask, “Was it good?”

“You don’t want me to answer that.”

Jinsoul scoffs, “Why? Afraid you might hurt my feelings?”

“Ha, yeah, no, it’s not that.” Sooyoung explains, and Jinsoul pushes further. She needs Sooyoung to say it. 

“Then tell me how good I was.”

The line is quiet for a few seconds and then Sooyoung whispers out, “I don’t wanna give out all my secrets tonight.” She can’t help but wonder what all those secrets of Sooyoung’s are. If they all have to do with her. Or just one. Maybe two. Jinsoul wants to know all of them. She wants to know everything about Sooyoung.

“Tell me.” Jinsoul asks timidly. “Just one Sooyoung.”

“It was too good.” Sooyoung admits, “So good, that I know it will never be the same with anyone else.” Jinsoul clutches at her chest. She feels the same, and is afraid that Sooyoung has ruined her. “Because they won’t be you Jinsoul. They’ll never be you.”

“I don’t want it to be anyone else but you.” 

And by the tone of her voice Jinsoul believes it. Sooyoung wants to love her. She wants Jinsoul to love her. Jinsoul doesn’t even have to try.

“Can we meet? Right now. I have to-“

“Yes.” Sooyoung doesn’t even let her finish, and spews out a location they’re both familiar with. Jinsoul’s met with the dial tone shortly after and she stares at the phone before scrambling to run back down the stairs.

~~~~

Jinsoul shivers at the wind chill, it’s late into the night now and the only thing she can hear is the crickets chirping. Every so often, there’s a car that drives by and Jinsoul wonders if she looks as crazy as she feels.

It’s the same mossy wall she took Sooyoung’s pictures at, the same mossy wall where the cherry blossoms were once pink, now they’re turned green with the late summer. It’s the same place Sooyoung had first allowed her inside. Seeing a part of her no others had the opportunity to.

Jinsoul remembers the vulnerability in Sooyoung’s eyes after that party, when she had touched the scar, Jinsoul doesn’t have a clue. 

She’s so preoccupied with the memory, Jinsoul doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching behind her. And even if she was focused they would be hard to pick up on. 

Sooyoung’s walking slowly, scared since she’s forgotten her script already. She was thinking of ways on how to confess to Jinsoul again on the way here, but seeing the blonde shadowed in moonlight steals every word out of . 

Jinsoul is faced away from her. Sooyoung misses the courage she once had. Just so she can show it to Jinsoul, how sure she is of her feelings.

Rocking back and forth on the sides of her feet, Jinsoul crosses her arms, Sooyoung should be here. Any second now, and for the first time in her life Jinsoul’s nervous about facing her. She isn’t sure if she’ll crumble completely, or ignite once again with the heat that Sooyoung brings.

The answer is neither, because with slim arms wrap around her from behind. Embracing her completely. Jinsoul can only think of one thing. It feels right, more than anything in her life. Being with Sooyoung feels right.

Jinsoul knows it must be love.

“On my way here I kept repeating this...long heartfelt confession in my head. But I know you probably would have hated that. You’ve probably been confessed to a hundred times in your life.” 

The arms squeeze around her, and the chill that was biting at Jinsoul quickly melts away. She realizes that Sooyoung’s never been cold, never been the person who she seems to be. The one if she got close to she’d freeze up. 

Because Jinsouls never felt warmer in her life.

“This may not be the right time,” Sooyoung speaks directly into her ear, like she was inside her head. “I might not be the right one.” Jinsoul closes her eyes at the voice, losing herself in the low rasp of it.

“But there’s something about us Jinsoul.” 

Sooyoung’s face drops to her shoulder, the girl buries it there. Jinsoul wonders if Sooyoung realizes it’s her coat. “I just need you to know how much you mean to me, that I’ll never let you go. Even if you end up hating me. I can’t let you go. I won’t let it happen.” Jinsoul squeezes her eyes shut harder. Just to make sure if this is a dream after all, that she doesn’t wake up. She doesn’t want to wake up from this.

Jinsoul starts to believe this is more than a dream, “I want you more than anything in my life. I need you more...just I-“ Sooyoung chokes then, and her arms wrap tighter around Jinsoul.

“Be with me.” 

When she opens her eyes, she’s still there. Everything about this is real. Sooyoung’s more than just a dream. 

“So I can be with you.” 

~~~~

Aw this is my least favorite chapter so far! We hate you sailorloona we hate you. But I hope everyone else likes it! Also this is like the last part of angst I guess, there might be a little piece later.

As always lots of love mwah!