and yes i am alive.

let’s just say i put the most random thing i could come up with but couldn’t give it a title in this omeshot dump so here we go. once again, i don’t know how to write endings (and i can’t proofread too so enjoy reading the typos and errors dkdhsjs)

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The music was blaring throughout the house, red and gold balloons decorated the ceilings and walls. People gathered in groups, talking animatedly about things Saerom could care less about. Some were near the dining table, subtly munching the food every now and then. While some focused on drinking, as if the alcohol would run away from them if they stop.

Saerom couldn’t even think how messy it would be after the party, and started to pity the couple who organized it. But that’s probably the last thing they’re thinking about for their engagement party, right?

She just stood in the kitchen, leaning on the counter while sipping her apple juice (thanks God for Hayoung who reminded Jiwon that not everyone drinks alcohol and that she should at least prepare non-alcoholic beverages other than colas—which might have some rum mixed in already, by the way). 

She searched for some familiar faces nearby her, which was mostly the couple’s workmates, but failed to find one. Not even the shadow of her bestfriend was to be seen. She proceeded to the living room, and there they were.

A group of rowdy girls in a circle, Jisun and Jiwon in the middle, others chanting ‘kiss! kiss! kiss!’ and teasing the couple with Chaeyoung leading the group. She just giggled at the sight of her friends being their playful selves. 

She was about to walk to them, but then she saw someone approaching the little crowd, and the screams got even louder. The girl slightly shorter than Chaeyoung hugged Jisun and Jiwon, saying her congratulations, and then greeted the others one by one. Saerom froze on her spot, seeing the familiar puppy eyes she haven’t seen in ages. She turned back to the kitchen, sitting on one of the stools in corner in hopes of hiding herself from her friends’ pitiful look, from the gaze that felt so familiar, from the pain she might feel when she meets that gaze.

God, why was she drinking a ing apple juice in a party? Damn Hayoung for giving it to her! She should’ve given her some wine, or rum, or whatever!

And she spotted the said girl making her way towards her. And there it was, the pity in her eyes as she looked as Saerom, the exact look she never wanted. Saerom looked down on her cup, avoiding the gaze she doesn’t want to receive.

“Hey,” Hayoung put a hand on her shoulder as she sat beside Saerom. She didn’t answer, taking little gulps from her cup, eyes not looking anywhere but the liquid inside. “Gyul’s here.”

“Yeah, I know. I saw her.”

“You okay?”

She nodded. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s been, what, one? Two years?” She said, trying hard to be nonchalant, though she knew she failed. Well, one is because she’s not okay, she felt very uncomfortable, because Gyuri’s face is the last thing she want to see. And two, because she’s talking to Hayoung. And lying to her bestest of a friend is as hard as swallowing alcohol.

Right, she doesn’t drink. Well, thanks to Hayoung again for giving her juice.

“Yeah, right. That’s why your face looks like the have massive weight on them and just wanted to drop on the floor.” And Saerom knew that if she looked at her, she’d see the younger rolling her eyes.

She chuckled lightly. “Shut up.” And when Saerom looked at her, a smirk was plastered on her face, somehow wanting to say ‘yeah, right’. Saerom smiled bitterly, “I expected her to be here anyways. I just... I guess I just never got myself ready, of how I should feel, or how I should react... and I, I don’t know what to do. I’m still lost, you know?” 

And lost she was. Almost two years in the break up, and she thinks she’s stuck in the same place where Gyuri left her, trapped inside the cage of all the feelings she felt when they were together. And she has no idea how to break free, of how to move on to the next chapter of her life. And she doesn’t know if she’ll ever have an idea. Because Gyuri was her first everything, and when she didn’t know what to do, it was fine because there’s Gyuri guiding her. Like how she guided Saerom in their first date when she didn’t know how to act, or how she guided her in their first kiss. So when Gyuri left her, there was no one teaching her on how to move on. There was no one showing her the way out.

“You know you’ll see more of her now that Jisun and Jiwon’s engaged, right? You realize we’re in one circle of friends?” 

She brushed her face with her free hand, and massaged her temple, and she nodded once. Of course, she knew that. It was bound to happen, and it’s a miracle that her friends even lasted incomplete hangouts for more than a year without dragging Saerom by her ear when she was trying so hard to avoid Gyuri’s presence, the awkwardness they would feel, and the burden of not knowing how to act in front of her ex-lover. She remembered Seoyeon trying to persuade her to come in their monthly hangouts, because the usual nine girls doing cafe or restaurant hopping were reduced to just seven, sometimes six. Because her attendance is Hayoung’s attendance as well, she recalls Jiheon saying Gyuri tried to miss some meetings so Saerom could join, still she wouldn’t.

“I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m suffocated being in the same room as her.”

She felt a hand wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her close for a side hug.

“Do you want to go out for some air right now?”

She looked at Hayoung. ”But the party’s not done yet.”

“And so? It’s not like we’re the ones getting engaged.”

She laughed at her remar