9 years ago, I asked you to stay. You asked me why and I couldn't give you the reason why. But now I realise why, we are soulmates in a very twisted way. We were never meant to be yet we will always be intertwined in one way or another. Our ties can't be severed easily. After that day, everytime we got closer again, you pulled back and distant yourself from me. When I was younger, I was stupid and never realise why you did so.

As I grew older and realised why, the reason hurt me even more. Everytime we got closer, you fell for me again. You tried denying it, you tried saying that the feelings for me have changed but I can tell from the tone of your voice and the look in your eyes. Even from your actions, you now hesitate to be in a place with me all alone, perhaps you are afraid you would lose control like that time we kissed 8 years ago. 

We were already broken up by then, I guess I thought in my naive mind that I could change your mind. You returned my kiss, it was not lust but it was more of a regret with a tinge of love. I'm not saying that I would want you at this point in my life but what I'm saying is that I wish you would admit to yourself about your feelings because I still want to be friends but if we are going to keep going round and round in this circle of getting close then getting shoved away with no regards to my feelings then what is the damn point?

Like I said, we are twisted soulmates. Somehow with just a look, we both know the answer and yet at the same time, we are both afraid of mentioning it out loud. I know we will always somehow have love for each other in one way or another. I sometimes wish you were easier to sever ties with but I know deep down inside, I will hurt if we do so. 

We once told each other our deepest darkest secrets and fears. We once kissed. We once made a promise that we will be there for each other but as the year is ending, I think I need to start forgetting everything and try to let go. You will always be that twisted soulmate of mine and I, yours but the fate of us ever being together for real is not in our hands. We had more than a "some" relationship, it went deeper than that but to protect my own heart except for that piece that will always be yours, I think I need to first walk away from trying to maintain any kind of friendship with you because it hurts to keep getting close then having you pull away.

Thank you for being there for me, thank you for saving me from my self destruction, thank you for making me believe that it is possible that someone will love me for me but most of all, thank you for making me believe that I was not worthless or tainted because of an arsehole. For that, I will forever be grateful but now it's time to love myself first.

Hence, I will no longer try to approach you first with no reason at all if you do not approach me because it hurts that it seems like I'm the only one interested in maintaining a friendship when it goes both ways. Thank you for everything and may you have the best of luck in all that you do.