Lonely

Writing this down while listening to Nomtom's rendition of Lonely based on his experiences. I relate to it so well, perhaps why I feel like crying every time I listen to it. I smile on the outside, I listen to others telling me their problem, I give advice to them and yet on the inside, I feel dead. Every other day, I look at my scars across my wrists and wonder when will I give in again. It has been 6 years, 6 years since the last time I took a knife across my wrist but yet every time my heart feels all choked up, I am so tempted to grab any sharp object just to inflict pain.

Maybe if it hurt on the outside then it won't hurt so bad on the inside. Although from past experiences, I know that it is not the case. I know this blog is public, I know that people I know may come across this post and think I'm crazy. I sometimes wish I really was then maybe there would be a proper explanation for the way I feel but I know the way I feel is actually an illness. People are usually surprised when I disclose that I do have depression because they look at me as their sunshine, their bubbly person and I do not fit into the depression stereotype but I believe what I have is high functioning depression.

Somehow everything I read about that condition totally fits me. Why I don't go to a doctor? I live in an Asian country, the minute you come clean about experiencing mental illness, everyone looks at you as though you are gonna go crazy and kill them although honestly the only person I'm killing is myself. I have learned to recognize when I'm triggered and I try my best to control but it is really really hard.

I can't honestly say that it gets better because it doesn't, I only learned to control it. I stopped self medication, drinking all of the alcohol just so that I could sleep, cutting but I'm dead on the inside. I suppress how I feel on the inside just so that it doesn't show on the outside but every day it gets a little harder. Some days, I'm so afraid that today will be day that I give up. Sure, there are people I talk to who try to understand and who claims they go through depression too but you can tell that their experience is so different from what I'm facing.

Nomtom's lyrics describes how I feel so well and that is how I'm gonna end this post.

lonely, why does everything I do, end up feeling lonely
am I doing something wrong? Am I turning slowly
into someone I fear , its drawing so near
so guess I have to face the truth and know that I am 
lonely, why does everything I do, ends up leaving slowly?

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sayurimei #1
dear you know me... and you know what i will always say.
All I can say, lets fight the urge and our demons one day at a time, people always tell us high functioning depressive persons to do this or that... What we need to do is to take one day at a time and keep telling ourselves one way or another, we have control over this, this wont beat us down again.
Hang in there, the urge will always be there, but we can manage it. Big hug
sleepingprince #2
Its not easy to deal with depression but its not impossible. It take courages , time and lots of support . I would suggest you to take some time for yourself to just relax . Go do some activity that will feed your soul . Healing comes when you feel a sense of comfort . It helps if you could try keep yourself busy to distract your mind from negative thoughts. You can also try to talk to social support group , your trusted friends and family. Dont bottled up your feelings. Its also wise to seek for help when you need. I think nowadays society are more aware and open about mental health issues. Your health is definately more important . To know that you have been fighting it over more than 6 years its really amazing. This shows your strong will and power. You're a brave and strong person who have been through alot and have come along way so that gives you even more reason not to give up. Learn to accept and love yourself even more. Give yourself all the time , space , support that you need. No matter what happens know that as long as you dont give and keep fighting you'l have the cahnce to change things for the better. All you need is to believe in yourself and have more faith. Dont hurt yourself in anway . Give life a chance. You deserved to be happy just like everyone else. Go read some self help and motivation books. Do some meditation or yoga as well its good for the soul. I hope that you'l continue to think postive and open your heart . Think good and feel good. I hope that you'l feel better soon.Stay strong. You can do it.
Unknown_Writer96 #3
I totally understand you.
What I can recommend you is that if you can go on a vacation or a short trip alone, get lost in an unknown city and just live life the way you want without any restrictions.
Sometimes getting lost on your way you find yourself.

I have been suffering from depression from the past 3 years and yes I'm one of thoes bubbly person you always find laughing but on the inside I'm waiting for someone to just ask me if I'm ok, to say me 'it's ok to cry, I know it's been hard on you' But no one knows.

I know how it feels but we just gotta deal with it and no one knows the key to it.
So try out new things, that will keep your mind off these things.
I just hope this helped you some how.

"The price of joyful facade is that no one realizes that you are capable of pain and sadness too."
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