The end of 2012 was nearing and I became good at hiding my feelings. I learned how to keep a straight face whenever a topic about DBSK came out. I would cry sometimes but I tried my best not to make it obvious. One day, I was chilling out at home with my family when I naturally took out my phone and played "Before You Go". I didn't try to stop the song yet I starred at my phone longingly throughout the song. The next song on the playlist was "Keep Your Head Down". I thought that I would be ok listening to the song. It's been months, I should be able to hear that song now. But even before the chorus, I stopped the song and spontaneously cried silently.

Couple of days after, I tried listening to the songs when they were 5 and I asked myself "What are you doing? You're not a Cassie anymore. Remember when you said you're too tired to keep that faith? You brought this to yourself. Now what? You're listening to their song? Pathetic creature!" I cursed myself whenever I tried to allow the memories to come to me again. I cursed mysef when I realised that I'm trying to be a Cassie again. And I cursed myself when I realised that the reason why I posted that comment was to look for some kind of support so that I won't stop believing. Not long after that, I found that support. My friend started to take interest in JYJ and she asked me for their song. I gladly sent her all songs of JYJ I had in my phone. She said Junsu's voice is one of a kind and she loves hearing to Jaejoong's self-written songs.

Soon, she found out about the break-up too. But she didn't take it badly since she's not easily attached to anybody. She only loved their voice that's why she listened to them.

2013 - My final year in high school and came with it the most important exam. I was still listening their song. I didn't cry anymore and I would smile a bit whenever I heard about them. One day, my friend said that she read about the lawsuit in an article and she said that SM's cruel. She started to take interest in all 5 of them. Not just their voice but all about them. She would inform me every article she read online and she too became a Cassie. I admired her because she didn't break down yet she kept going on about how TVXQ should get out of SM and join JYJ. I too thought about that. She gave me strength and so I let myself to love them again. But I didn't dare to call myself a Cassie yet. When I thought of what I did, I questioned myself whether I deserved a second chance. "No, not yet. You have to pay for what you did."I thought. I didn't cry. I stopped crying. I thought if I ever give up on trying to push them away, I would cry but I didn't. I laughed instead and my days became brighter.

Me and that friend of mine shared news about the five of them. We jumped around the class when the lawsuit's over. We became a crazy fangirl when new songs and music videos were released. She watched JYJ's activities through Twitter and Instagram while I watched their activities through LINE. I turned my head immediately everytime I hear their name and smile. I jumped around the house when they appeared on TV. I pointed out to them when I see their picture or dramas until my mom's tired of nagging at me and she would just roll her eyes. I wanted to make it up for the times when I turned away from them. But I don't know if I could. And I still haven't paid for what I did. For leaving them when they needed Cassie the most. For shutting my ears. For closing my heart. For being weak when I need to stay strong for them. For being blinded by tears that I didn't try to see the good times they had together that could give me strength. And until now, even when I called myself a Cassie I feel guilty. Yet I didn't know what to do to punish myself.

So, here I am. Confessing my guilt. I understand if all of you hate me, cursed at me. Please, hate me, curse me. Do whatever you want with me. I'll take it as my punishment. I don't know any other way of punishing myself. I want to let go of that dark past when I was so ignorant. I wanted to be a Cassie again. I want to be DBSK's daughter again. To hope for their comeback. To wait for them together with you guys. I want to be part of the family again. I wanted to appologize personally to the five of them but I don't know how to. So, I'm appologizing to all of you instead. Will you forgive me? Will you accept me?